How is this fanfiction different from any other, you may ask? Well, most "Twilight" fans only got a sliver of the Twilight saga, while they were young enough to be uncorrupted by such harsh truths as "wisdom" and "experience". As scores of adolescent female teenagers hugged their precious novels to sleep, how could they possibly know what would come after the honeymoon phase? How could they foresee 20 years into the future that marriages, as 55% of intact ones in the United States know well, cease to be lusty melodrama? And how on earth would they be able to write fanfiction accordingly?

It is at this point, my friends, where our story begins...

The trailerpark sparkled with snow in the sunlight. All was silent in this sleepy little town, except for one raucous home spraying profanity, screams, and insults out into the chilly winter morning. This home was, of course, the trailer belonging to the Cullens.

"Why the hell would you even HAVE people here for Christmas?" Edward screamed at his morbidly obese wife. "And why are you even awake right now? Creatures your size usually hibernate when they get that fat!"

"Fuck you!" Bella screamed, hurling another Christmas ornament at Edward with a grunt. The Precious Angels figurine smashed into a thousand pieces on the linoleum floor. "Oww!! Dammit! It burns!!" Bella was trying to place a cross ornament onto the tree, which sizzled into her hand. Crucifixes and vampires, even sparkling ones, do not mix.

"Look," Bella said angrily, running her chubby scalded hand under cold water, "Your daughter is coming for Christmas. So try to be a half decent father figure to her for once. Maybe then she'll stop dating that octopus woman."

"How do I even know that she's mine?" Edward hollered back. "And I hope she's not bringing that damn seamonster here, we have no room for the tank." Renesmee, the only daughter of the Cullens, came out as a homosexual not long after her 15th birthday. She met her latest girlfriend, a Cecaelia named Gladys, while snorkeling during a trip to the Caribbean on a lesbian cruiseship.

"Its your fault for turning her off of men!" Bella screeched at her husband, cigarette flying out of her mouth.

"Well if you're so great, why isn't she dating an elephant?" he screamed back.

"Enough!" Came a girl's voice, piercing through the screams and sixth rerun that day of "A Christmas Story" blaring from the television. "I'm here. Can't we be a family for once?"

Bella waddled over to her daughter. "Oh sweetie! Of course! Come in!" Bella enveloped Renesmee in a large hug, whose rebellion-shaved bald head reflected the sparkles from the Christmas tree and her mother. "Oh look at me, sparkling with joy. My baby's come home!"

"Sure have, ma. Merry Christmas." Renesmee glanced toward the door. "Oh! Gladys is here. I'll wheel her in from the car." Renesmee gently placed some gifts under the tree before making her way back to the trailer exit. As she moved toward the door, she noticed the Christmas table was suspiciously set with more placemats than expected.

"Ma...who else did you invite?" Renesmee asked, glowering. "Please tell me you didn't invite him."

Bella was lighting up another cigarette. "Who?" she asked innocently.

"Please tell me you didn't invite Jacob. You told me you wouldn't!"

"Yeah, well, your father told me he'd love me forever!" Bella hollered back.

"Well you never told me you were a manatee! I guess we're all liars!" Edward yelled.

"Oh God," Renesmee blurted, "I don't want Gladys meeting him!"

"Hello!" came a holler from the trailer exit. Everyone glanced up to see Jacob, standing in the doorway in all his glory. "I brought whiskey," he slurred.

To be continued.