A/N: First and foremost, a warning: this will be nonsensical, borderline-or-even-achieving-past-that-crack fic. If this deters you from reading my other works, I highly suggest you navigate to a different page. If it lessens your certainty of my soundness of mind, this is the perfect opportunity to leave. There will be strong language, themes that may be deemed inappropriate, and facetious views. Do not ever take personal offense. Another note: this may be a parody, but it is only meant to poke fun at things, and not to make you roll through the aisles or to induce even the slightest of chuckles from you. People somehow unjustly believe that I am supposed to please or humor them. But, that is not so; this is produced merely to quell my own severe case of boredom. Reducing your boredom as well is simply a bonus.

Most importantly, and this may be sort of contradictory depending how you look at it, I do not like Claude. I hate him with an unbelievable passion. I will probably end up ranting about him sooner or later. Any Claude fangirls should not take personal offense. I don't dislike you especially because I don't know you. I only despise the character you're besotted to. Anyway, this is why it is a parody that centralizes around him—I get to fiddle with his character. Claude-haters... today we unite. Claude-lovers, hi, you might want to leave soon.

Ah, who doesn't love parodies? This series will feature Claude's thoughts during the making of the season, a sort of behind-the-scenez (typo at first, but too good to change it)-look, interviews asked by yours truly and readers, and much more! (When people say "much more", they really ran out of things to say.) But without further ado, enjoy (if possible)!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.

Hi.

I am Claude Faustus. Initials: C.F.

Or rather, my real name is Jeff Green, the person that won the role as Claude Faustus. (Seriously, don't I look like a Jeff?)

I just wanted you all to know that how the creators of Kuroshitsuji II portrayed me is DEAD WRONG. They twisted everything in the season so it would seem like I'm the bad guy. Ridiculous, right? I'm not as boring and monotonous as people think I am. I'm a pretty interesting guy, if anyone actually takes the time to sit down and talk to me. OK, so Sebastian did that once, but at that time we were doing this really freaky black-roses-dripping with blood exchange-thingy, so yeah, he didn't get to see the deep and meaningful side of me.

I was so pissed when the season came out, 'cuz I was as dull as a stick in the mud! How degrading. I filed a complaint to the creators and producers of the season ASAP:

Dear Creators of the Crap,

Yo, wassup with the changes? I thought we were cool here! What the f*ck, man! Redo the whole season NOW, or I will go to your f*ckin' house, and I will f*ckin' tap dance and you will watch me!

Love ya lots,

Claude-fosizzle

Then, they sent back:

Dear of Crap,

wassup the? I we cool! What f*ck! Redo whole NOW, I go your house, I f*ckin' dance you watch

ya,

Claude

Those cheap-asses just copied and pasted, but omitted every second word! What the hell was the point of that anyway!?

Since they suck, I will once again have to step in and fix everything. These stories that I compiled are the real crap, alright? I will enlighten you all of what REALLY went down in the episodes.

Episode 01: Clawed Butler (AM I REALLY CLAWED?)

It all started with the bedroom scene. Now... let's be mature about this, guys. No naughty thoughts. It's just some nasty pedo on a bed, there's this blond, and I have a cameo appearance as a spider. You know, the typical day-to-day stuff. Anyway, as I have mentioned beforehand, I'm a spider. The animators did this extremely cool effect where I fade away on the blond's tongue, in which leaves this resplendent pentacle thingymabob.

We insert a time-skip, here. Now, the super cool bedroom scene. Let me begin by a proper introduction of my character. Hi, I'm Claude Faustus. A butler. A meritorious one (with an extensive vocabulary, whatcha). I handle all the business in the Trancy manor (that's the current setting, if you don't already know). So, dawn had set in, and I entered my master's bedroom. Being the awesome servant that I am, I had to help the blond, Alois, dress for the day.

OK, first off, I don't see why people think I despise the kid so much. I mean, we're practically father and son! We happen to spend a lot of quality time together. Like, during the beginning of the episode, we shared this entertaining little activity.

I buttoned a button.

He unbuttoned a button.

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

We exchanged giggles.

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

OK, seriously, I have other stuff to do.

So, I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

Are you freaking serious?

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

Seriously, kid, stop.

Alois smirked at my annoyed expression. "Am I irritating to you?"

Hell yeah, kid. But that line isn't part of the script.

So, I kinda settled for a smack.

He kinda smacked me back.

We kinda got bruises, so we stopped.

Then, in the middle of the episode or so, news arrived that Arnold Trancy was coming over for a visit. Alois was freaking out over the minor details such as how he had replaced all of the pedo's crap. I told him to chill, and that I will take care of this shit. (Shit = extra work.)

Now this is the highlight of the episode, the only part that I really approve. In the colossal dining hall, I stood on the baluster. Elegant music played, signifying for my beautiful performance. You see, I've been taking tap-dancing lessons since I was four, so needless to say, I'm a natural. When I auditioned for this role, one of the requirements was you have to be a proficient tap-dancer.

HOWEVER.

I am an overachiever. I don't just tap-dance. I do ballet classes, too. So, I twirled around the vast room, leaping adroitly from wall to wall. "Be a swan" is my motto, and my inspiration.

Then the director was like "be more dramatic." So, I "be more dramatic." I threw up my glasses, and was Superman when I tossed up the table as well. I fished out these epic-looking golden-ware (everyone knows these are cheap knock-offs of Sebastian's silverware) and hurled them like a ninja.

But while I was too busy being "a swan," I stepped on my glasses, which effectively shattered them. Stupid spectacles, getting in my way. Yeah, the director edited that part out, and we had to re-shoot the scene.

Thus, I had to twirl around again, but this time I brought along a ribbon so that it can flutter as I dance to add that, you know, add that magical feel. So, I was employing the most intricate, aesthetic and flowing patterns for my ballet chiz. Grace and precision, "swan."

But, no one told me they decided to change where the glasses are going to be. Because the director suddenly told me to look up. So naturally, I freaking looked up, and those damned glasses poked me in the damned eyeball. And EVERYBODY knows how drop-dead gorgeous my hazel eyes are. To don an eyepatch is a crime. But, I had to wear one while my penetrated eyeball was healing (or feebly shriveling in my socket).

Anyway, they had to call in a stunt double to film that scene, 'cuz apparently, only "beuteful" (my director's crap accent) people are allowed on set. Well, I used to be beuteful, before I transformed to a freaking pirate.

I was fuming for weeks, man. You can only imagine the rage I was in when I found that that they totally removed the ballet part from the cameras, the computers, the whole interconnected system. I WAS BALLET-ING! YOU DO NOT REMOVE BALLET-ING! CTRL + ALT + DELETE CRUSHED MY DREAMS. (Join me on my quest to obliterate the commands CTRL + ALT + DELETE. It's a sin. More information as to how to participate will be provided below.)

Now, moving the hell on. Fast-forwarding through the uninteresting Arnold part, 'cuz he's, well, uninteresting. Unlike me, but no one knows that because I'm the secluded, grumbling pirate watching from afar. (I had to miss production for a lengthy period. That's why season two took so long to be released—they totally needed me.)

But when I finally went back on track, they decided to introduce Sebastian Michaelis and his cute tiny luggage, too. Sebastian is my archrival; he always steals my spotlight. Like, all the time. OK, so here's a little trivia. I had auditioned to be the character "Sebastian Michaelis," but I was declined of the role because I seemed like the "Claude-y type." Seriously, enlighten me—what the hell is the "Claude-y type"? A new species? Undefined alien?

So Sebastian was dressed all creepily, in the long overcoat and mysterious hat, which covers most of his face but "conveniently" leaves the black fringes and angular face so that fangirls just KNOW right off the bat that it's Sebastian. What's the point with the apparel, then? Might as well come with a name-tag that reads "Sebastian Michaelis," because everyone knows who he freaking is anyway.

Alois was all like, "OMG, let's let him stay here." And, I was all giving him that grim and stern look, you know, the one that shouts "CAUTION!", but that oblivious child ignored me. If you see a cloaked stranger, you do not, at all costs, invite him in like family. Still, the blond is a bit short on common sense—don't tell the blond that; we're so tight, I'm practically his dada.

But, you... you should check out my face at that moment. I-it's priceless. Just go on YouTube, and rewind that part over and over again (around the range of 14:54 to 14:56—it will be the two best seconds of your life). You will see the suspicious yet subtle cross of my brow, the tenuous purse of my lips; these are all indicatives of my displeasure. Yet I have to stifle all that under my calm and stoical fortitude. Then, there's that dramatic flash of lighting. It's brilliant, really, seeing how well I act. I mean, all I have to do that is portray nothingness, but I'm SO GOOD at it. It literally took my breath away how talented I am. I'll save you a moment here. Check out the video right now, and you'll know what I'm talking about. It will take your breath away, I guarantee it.

Transitioning to the next scene, I, the hardworking butler (hi, I'm Claude Faustus), had to serve freaking Sebastian some delicious food prepared by me. Alois was all: "Claude's food is freaking awesome," and you can't view it since it's one of the rare moments where the camera wasn't directed at me, but I was grinning like a fool 'cuz his statement is so legitimate. I make the most scrumptious meals out there. World class chef, I am.

But, ARGH! That moronic other butler had the nerve to criticize my food. "Tiny speck of sauce on the rim of the plate," MY ASS. Well, sor-ry. I don't have super lasers for eyes like you do, Sebagodieinaholetian! It's a scantily visible, infinitesimal spot—hence the "speck"! Then, I had to clean that shit (once again, shit = extra work) up, when he could have taken a piece of napkin and go swipe. Just like that. Go swipe, and poof, it's gone. Magic, if you will.

The director told me to "chell" out, whatever that's supposed to mean, since it's just an anime, but I felt it. I felt that it was real to me. I have a profound and spiritual connection to this chiz.

I thought my evening couldn't get any worse in the episode. But I was so wrong 'cuz I had to do even more shit. You know why? It's because that imbecile Alois decided to go on a little tour with Sebastian. They explored the manor, and that sly butler eventually got his greasy fingers on Ciel's soul.

A brief recap: Ciel is the dude contracted with Sebastian. I pissed the demon off by stealing Ciel's soul.

So, anyway, I have enrolled in ceramics classes, so I learned this neat trick where I can place souls in this container thingymabob. I was meticulous with the construction and requisites of that chiz: perfect size and shape, and pretty designs.

Sebastian was seconds away from possessing that cute box I made, when I swooped in like an action hero and hurled the golden-ware. It failed the first few times because the trajectory was just off. It was absolutely horrid. Those cheap knock-offs hardly flew from my fingers. In fact, the highly efficient things landed at my toes.

After that was done, Sebastian's disguise was expelled from his body. We had an epic brawl. I was dealing with enough shit with this guy that hops from places to places, only to have Alois squealing in the background, yelling about how Ciel Phantomhive is all his. Creepy kid.

Then, there was that instance where Sebastian was about to say "I am merely one hell of a butler," but stopped himself. Like, WHY? What's the point of saving it for the right time? We've heard you say it over and over and over again the first season. It's not going to be an incredibly overwhelming, near-fainting, jaw-dropping, "OMFG, he said WHAT!?"-kind of thing.

In the end, Sebastian managed to escape with the soul thing. It's so unfair because everyone knows that people just want Sebastian to win anyway. Pfft, whatever. But, no, the magnitude of crap isn't over yet, because all of a sudden, it was super dark. Alois is scared of the dark, and the fucking kid kept on tugging on my leg when HELLO, I was having "The Moment." (The Moment = staring off into space. Any teacher that asks you why you are minutely scrutinizing the wall instead of paying attention in class, respond by saying you were having "The Moment." He/She'll understand.)

Then for the ending, it got pretty weird. I had to act according to the script, OK? This is completely not part of my own volition. Apparently, my way of comforting the blubbering kid was by telling him I'll make one hell of a feast out of him. Borderline cannibalism there, I don't roll in that direction. But I guess saying that really works. So here's a handy tip: you see anyone that's sad, just go up to them and say "Your face looks ooh, ooh, yummy." They'll definitely snap right out of the depression. Sure, you might get a run-in with the cops. At least, no more tears from that person—chances are, you'll be the one crying instead while rotting in a cell, but bah, details, baby, details.

Anyway, the ending sucked—just Sebastian happily skipping through the woods. Since there are no more Claude Faustus moments, I'll have to wrap it up here. Let me warn you, this is CONFIDENTIAL. To leak things like this is very hazardous of me to do, but you know me. My middle name is DANGER. (First name = AVOIDS; last name = COMPLETELY.) Ahem, so, join me next time as I elaborate on the other episodes that have me in it. Episodes that don't are severely lacking in that statue effect. I mean, without me, who's gonna be the statue! Without me, there will not be the barely memorable presence lurking in the background! Have a good day now. I hope you enjoyed the whatever this is. Bye, I'm Claude Faustus, and you have just witnessed the inside scoop of Pirate Butler ('Clawed' has no meaning).