It was a strange question for an early-morning breakfast, though not unsurprising, given the night they'd had. Still, Kabuto took a moment before answering it, finishing the toast and serving both their plates before responding.
"I was twelve."
The chopsticks halted half way to the Karin's face. "Twelve. And, um, who with?" She set the utensils down, and looked up at him, demanding further answers.
"Who do you think?" He smiled, but looked away, not meeting her eyes.
"Oh. That sucks." She resumed eating, leaving him to think guiltily back on their night together, and of a night six years ago.
He hadn't been ready. He knew that now, though he would never admit it to anyone else. He had been young, lonely, and willing to do anything to be recognized by the one person he wanted respect from. That hardly excused his mentor from taking his offer.
It was the confusion that came back to him. The overwhelming desire to please, coupled with pleasure he didn't know how to quantify, all twisted together with a feeling of bewilderment and pain.
To an older man, the night they had shared might have been pleasurable, and looked back on fondly. All of the obvious signs where there – flushed face and wide eyes, a smile and thank-you. But the truth was that he had been twelve, just beginning to understand his own body, confused at the actions of others around him and trying to keep up. No, he didn't understand why people had sex. He didn't understand the reason why his mentor would like to share that with him. And he didn't know what it should have felt like. He had labored under the impression for years that one was supposed to feel lost and alone afterward.
Of course, he had learned a few good lessons from the occasion. He could outperform most of his colleges in the amoury arts, though he didn't boast of it. He had added the skills to his arsenal, willing to use them in ways that most of his companions would shy away from in disgust. He didn't mind the names that resulted from that; most of them were accurate, if unnecessarily crude.
He had learned the 'right' way of doing it afterward, stumbling into the breathless exhilaration and joy unexpectedly. It had taken him years to fully understand why he felt the way he did - and why some nights he woke up from nightmares he couldn't explain, while other days he woke from dreams that made him blush. He didn't know what 'sexuality' he had started as; he had been too young to know when the matter had been decided for him. He would never be able to sleep with men without recalling the perversion that had prompted his understanding. That hardly meant he would stop and potentially lose some of his best sources. But it did mean that he would privately enjoy the company of the few women he felt comfortable around, keeping his preferences quiet.
"So…was it good?" Karin's question jolted him out of his reverie, breaking the silence that had descended on the table.
"I guess." He shrugged, and then collected their plates, glancing surreptitiously at her smiling form.
For a moment he worried that he had done the same to her, repeating the cycle of perversion. She was only a few years older than he had been. And he was using her on a pretext, just as Orochimaru had used him. Gods knew she didn't need more scars in her life.
But…she smiled as she handed over the plate, leaning in to kiss him in thanks. And she giggled like a school girl and told him to "snap out of it" at his expression of shock.
She bounded joyfully down the corridor, disappearing back to her work, badly concealing what had happened the night before. Maybe his actions had not been so selfish after all. She had her reasons, just as he had his own.
She would be able to declare to her companions that she had done it for Sasuke, wanting to learn any and everything that could help in pleasing him. He could say he had done it to ensure loyalty, and to teach her one of the skills any chunin should be able to call upon. Neither would find it necessary to mention the smile on the others face, and how – for a moment – it lightened their whole world.