Crystalized.
She's prepared for Hina's absurd request thanks to Imai. After the day's practice the bassist had edged closer to her as she put her guitar away.
"Today went well, don't you think?" Lisa shot her a smile, full of nerves. It stung a little. Sayo had been with this band for months now, was even a founder, but nonetheless her band mates still approached her with trepidation. She could pretend that it did not matter at all to her, that Roselia was a strictly professional relationship anyways, but she could not ignore that burning in her chest.
"Is there something you want, Imai-san?" Sayo asked her, straight to business. She snapped her guitar case closed and fixed the other girl with what she hoped wasn't too intense of a stare.
"I talked with Hina-san the other day," Lisa began, and Sayo tried not to flinch at the mention of her twin's name-already dreading what else Lisa had to say. "She wanted to know when our next gig was. When i told her, she seemed really excited!" Lisa paused, chuckling at a memory. "There is something she wants to invite you to, so i thought I'd give you a heads up." She gave Sayo a wink.
"Keep it in mind!"
Sayo let out a shaky breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. So this was Hina's new tactic of getting her way? To convince Sayo's acquaintances to do her work for her? Everyone Sayo knew was aware of her...complex relationship with her twin. Lisa waved a goodbye to both Ako and Rinko as they exited the studio, no doubt giving her time to come up with a response.
"It'll depend on whether I have anything happening that day," she finally answered. "Either way," Sayo added as she slung her case over her back and made her way to the studio door, "Thank you for the information." A quick wave and she was gone.
That night it rained heavily. In a rare occurence, Sayo sat on her bed, looking out at the storm from her bedroom window. She prided herself on living a life without time wasted on frivolous activities, but for now she would allow herself this moment. The dark, gloomy skies and the pounding of the rain against the roof was comforting.
Gloomy weather for a gloomy girl, she thought to herself bitterly.
She heard the knocking as it beat in time with the thunder outside. Light, tentative knocks. An envelope slid under her door, followed by the sound of footsteps quickly retreating. Sayo's pulse quickened. She hopped off her bed to snatch the envelope off of the floor.
'For oneechan', the front read in hastily written script. Sayo imagined Hina deciding last minute to address it to her rather than leave it blank. Hina, a goofy smile brightening her features, hugging the letter close to her chest as she padded along to her sister's room.
Rushing back to her desk, Sayo flipped open the envelope and turned it upside down, spilling the contents onto her schoolwork. A single pink slip of paper floated out. The noise from the storm died down; all she could hear was the blood rushing to her head and the pounding of her heart.
It was a ticket to a live show for Hina's band. The date was printed in vibrant, bubbled letters; it was the next day. Flowers in each of the band members' signature colors adorned the blank spaces. Sayo flipped the ticket over. Tucked in a corner, written in small, girlish handwriting:
Please come -Hina.
The venue where Pastel Palette's live show was being held was downtown, in a large building that seemed more glass than concrete. Luxurious, Sayo thought to herself, with a twinge of envy. Roselia had not been invited to play here.
Yet, she added, clenching a fist. A line of fans had gathered near the door. Sayo stood behind a short girl with lopsided twintails holding a pink fan with the lead singer's face on it. She wondered how many of these people would have merchandise of her sister.
Sayo had not told Hina that she would be here. In the morning during breakfast Hina kept shooting her looks, hoping their eyes would meet. Sayo avoided those hopeful glances and ate her meal in silence before leaving for the studio for a bit of solo practice.
It was cruel, she knew, but she could not bring herself to act another way. Half of her-the awful, sickening side- wanted to leave Hina wondering all day. Wanted her sister's eyes to search for her own among the cheering crowd while she played her guitar. If Sayo could get any satisfaction from this night it would be from seeing the perfect Hina distressed.
The people at the gates taking their tickets were efficient at their job so it did not take long for Sayo to step inside. Pastel colored balloons and streamers adorned the ceiling and walls of the foyer. To the side of the room near the auditorium a small table was set up selling merchandise. It was mostly shirts, fans, and the occasional keychain. Sayo quickened her pace in order to avoid catching sight of knick knacks with her sister's face on them.
Technicians were up on the stage putting together instruments and checking the lights. Sayo managed to snag a seat towards the front, but tucked into a corner where it would be hard to be seen. Did she want Hina to see her? Did she want Hina to look for her in vain? Both thoughts bounced back in forth in her head. She rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on. Fans around her talked in excited tones. The crowd was dominated by teenage girls, young girls accompanied with a parent, and the occassional mid 30s male. Weird. Sayo could pass off for fan, yet she felt out of place. This stage set a very different ambiance than what Roselia provided.
As she began to pull her phone out of her pocket to check the time, the room went dark, and the audience quickly fell silent.
"Are you ready?" a cheerful voice shouted into the darkness. The lights turned back on in time with the audience's cheers. Their enthusiam was infectious; Sayo almost felt herself crack a smile.
The singer - Aya, if Sayo remembered correctly- was the first to walk up. Her pink twintails bounced as she walked up to the mic. She wore a frilly white dress with pink and mint green accents and pink bows graced the chest/torso area. She made a heart with her hands, before spreading her arms wide and giggling at the crowd.
"I'm so happy to see you all here tonight!" she beamed. "I hope you're all ready for a great show! As a dear friend and bandmate would say, it's gonna be 'boppin!'" Aya winked and the crowd went wild. For all her ridicilous and overly sweet gestures this girl was beginning to learn how to win the crowd over. Roselia would never turn to these theatrics but it was still interesting to see another band in action. There was always something to learn.
The rest of the members came out; the keyboardist, bassist, drummer, and finally: Hina. She walked up to her guitar with a bounce in her heeled step and a lazy grin on her face. Sayo could tell the dress she wore was tailored to fit her perfectly- all of the member's outfits were. The blue bows added a childish cuteness and complimented the color of her hair. She looked... pretty. She picked up her guitar and did a quick scan of the audience while her bandmates got set up. Hina was looking for her. Sayo's heart did a little jump- whether from excitement or fear, she could not tell.
"We're all excited to share this new song with you all," Aya clasped the mic in her hands, as if in prayer. "We really hope you enjoy it!"
The song they begun to play was upbeat and and pretty soon had fans lightly clapping in tune with the beat. Aya's singing was not the best, but she carried on with such passion and unfiltered happiness that talent ended up irrelevant. She sang of happiness and other pleasantries with such conviction it made one believe maybe life wasn't so hard after all. It was.. soothing. Sayo had tried not to focus too intensely on her sibling until a part in the song had given her a small guitar solo. As usual she played excellently; fingers flying across the strings,creating an electrifying melody that resonated throughout the auditorium.
In spite of herself, Sayo was captivated. The crowd was ecstatic, fixed on her performance. It was as if she was meant for this. This made sense; since they were young Hina always shone brighter than her. People gravitated towards her naturally, while Sayo stood behind, wondering what she was lacking. If they were twins, why was it that she could not keep up?
A bitter taste filled her mouth and Sayo realized she had bitten her lip hard enough to bleed. It was in that moment as her solo ended and focus went back to Aya, that Hina had the gall to look her way. Their eyes met, twin pairs of surprise. Hina's eyes shone when she realized, and Sayo could tell it took significant inner strength to not jump down from the stage to run to her side. She smiled at her so warmly that, despite the jealously coiling in her gut and the blood coating her lip, Sayo smiled as well.
Why did it have to be so hard to just get along? Why couldn't she properly behave as a sibling without her own insecurities getting in the way? This envy, heavy and viscuous like tar, stained fond memories of when they were younger and the love she's always held for Hina in her heart. Others had praised her for always seeming composed and strong willed; yet right now she couldn't stop the flow of self hatred and anger spilling out of her.
The song ended, meeting with uproarious applause as Aya and the others took a bow. Hina's head turned in her direction once again.
Impulsively, Sayo turned and rushed towards the exit. She couldn't breathe; she couldn't be here any longer .As she reached the door she heard a squeak and thuds coming from the direction of the stage.
"Oneechan!" Hina shouted. Sayo went out the door, quickening her pace. Stray workers and fans in a line buying from the merchandise table gave her odd looks as she passed. It was now pouring outside but that was the least of her worries. She'd rather be soaked to the bone than face her sister in this moment.
Droplets of rain obscured Sayo's vision as she ran through the puddles forming on the sidewalk, no real destination in mind. With her blurry vision she made out a alley tucked in between two shops and so chose to hide in there, if anything to just catch her breath for a moment. With bangs plastered to her forehead and clothes heavy and sticking to her skin, Sayo leaned against the brick wall, breathing heavily.
It was a mistake to come. She should have known that she didn't have it in her to act normal for once, to not blow up like she did. Once again, she failed Hina. Sayo hit her head against the wall, blinking way the beginnings of frustrated tears. When Hina shouted at her as she was leaving, was it full of anger? Did she finally grow sick of how Sayo treated her?
"There you are!" a familiar voice ran from the entrance to the alley. Sayo froze, incredulous.
She...came after me?
Hina approached her cautiously, as if afraid that any sudden movement would have her running away again. Like Sayo, she was also soaked; the skirt of her dress hung limply on her hips, bows drooped and fabric becoming see-through.
"This isn't a very good place to hide from me," Hina spoke softly, attempting to lighten the tense air with a joke. She stopped in front of Sayo and looked at her, a sad smile on her lips.
Stop looking at me like that!
Sayo let out a shaky sigh, steeling herself and returning Hina's gaze. " I was never good at hiding when it came to you. Somehow you'd always find me."
Hina giggled, the sound of it hollow and restrained.
"I'm always looking for you, whether you want me to or not." She edged closer, keeping her eyes on Sayo, measuring how close she would be allowed to get. Drained, Sayo let her. They were a few feet apart now, chests almost touching. Shyly, Hina reached for her hand. Sayo let her take it.
"It's funny," Hina began, her voice quivering. "I used to think I could always sense you. Where you were, how you were feeling."
Sayo looked at her, brows furrowed. Where was Hina going with this? She was well aware of the... slightly obsessive tendencies Hina had towards her. No matter how many times Sayo shut the door of her room in her face, the cruel words thrown at her, Hina's love never flickered. It angered her as much as confused her.
"But then we grew up and we only grew further apart. I can't tell what you're thinking. I don't know what you like, dislike, do for fun. I can't even talk to you without hurting you!" Hina let out a sob then, and buried her face on Sayo's shoulder.
Sayo wanted to throw up; the sound of Hina's crying made her feel worse than she had felt back at the live show. She leaned back, in stunned silence, while Hina's tears warmed her cold shoulder. Her free hand rose and hovered over Hina's back, afraid to comfort her.
I made her cry, the thought flashed in Sayo's mind. A lone tear made its way down her cheek. Once again her emotional outbursts had singed any potential for their fragile relationship to heal.
"I-" her voice was shaking slightly. She couldn't continue to let Hina think that she was the one in the wrong. "I was in a bad spot and I took it out on you, I'm sorry."
That only scratched the surface of Sayo's issues, but the explanation would suffice for now.
Hina looked up at her, eyes bloodshot and brimming with tears. She sniffled and shook her head.
"I didn't think about how you would feel when I-I invited you," she confessed, voice raw. "I was selfish. I just wanted you to see me, I wanted you to be p-proud of me," she flushed then, a dusty pink in contrast with the teal hair plastered on the sides of her face.
Hina placed her arms on Sayo's shoulders and leaned closer. The sudden determination in her gaze had Sayo transfixed.
" I want to understand you, onee-chan." Their lips brushed against one another's with each word spoken.
"Hina," Sayo managed to get out,warily, before Hina sealed their lips in a kiss.
It was impulsive, just like almost everything her sister does. A pair of bold lips pressed against hesitant ones with both eagerness and a slight desperation, as if they'd been waiting for a moment like this to occur. In her enthusiasm she tried to push Sayo back against the wall, but Sayo reached for her shoulders and swung her around, reversing their positions. Hands shot out and wrapped around Hina's thin neck, lightly, to keep her at bay. Even now, Sayo couldn't stand not being the one in control.
Their eyes met briefly, both teary and clouded with an emotion they couldn't quite name.
Just a few minutes ago it had felt as if they could never stand on the same level of understanding with one another. She had made Hina cry. Now it felt... they were...
Hina,Hina,Hina. Sayo's thoughts began and ended with her.
The warmth from Hina's lips and body lingered, lighting Sayo's skin on fire,lulling her into a sense of temporary peace. In that moment their hearts were in sync. Sayo leaned forward, this time the one to initiate the kiss. Hina let out a pleased hum as her sister's lips melded against hers, both moving in an irregular rhythm as they tried to find a perfect balance. Sayo could feel Hina's hammering heartbeat under her fingers as she licked across her soft bottom lip, coaxing her mouth open just a bit wider to slip her tongue inside. The shy way both their tongues moved against one another made a chill run down Sayo's spine. shivering, she edged forward, slipping a knee between Hina's legs, nudging at the delicate place in between.
Was Hina feeling the same way she was right now?
Was this okay?
Hina moaned in her mouth and tried to press herself closer, trying to rub herself against her knee,but Sayo's hands around her throat kept her pinned back. Her fingers squeezed just a bit tighter,curious. Sayo knew her sister was beautiful, but right now- with her face flushed and fingers pressing against that slim throat- she had never been more enraptured. A heat pulsed low in her gut, traveling downward.
Sayo was so lost in her thoughts she hadn't realized her grip on Hina's throat had increased until Hina coughed and pulled away, breath heaving . A thin trail of saliva connected their spit-slicked mouths.
"L-look oneechan, we're connected now," voice hoarse, and blinking tears out of her eyes Hina eyed the saliva and Sayo with a lustful, dizzying gaze.
Sayo released her grip on Hina and wiped furiously at her mouth, face flushed scarlet. "You're embarrassing," she muttered, which earned her a dopey smile as a response.
A silence soon fell over them-heavy with questions and spilled feelings- amidst the pitter patter of rain. The fire ignited in Sayo was beginning to flicker; the confidence she sported earlier has faded away and now she stood, wet from head to toe and aroused from making out with her own sister. Her fingertips tingled where they had been wrapped around Hina's throat. Nothing made sense.
Hina was the first to break the silence. The bravado must have left her as well, for she now regarded Sayo with a nervous expression, eyes peeking out shyly from her fringe.
"I really-"
"There you are!" a voice sounded off in the entrance to the alley and both Sayo and Hina froze, the words wilting on Hina's lips. It was Chisato and Aya, accompanied by two security officers. The burly men held a large umbrella over them, shielding them from the rain.
Hina's bandmates both looked concerned; Aya appearing ready to burst into tears and Chisato aiming a stern, violet gaze in Hina's direction.
It was time for damage control.
"Shirasagi-san, Ayamura-san," Sayo spoke out, turning to face them. Hina remained silent, staring at her with frustration etched on her face.
"I apologize for the disturbance. we had a slight misunderstanding, although it was nothing serious enough to warrant Hina leaving the show so abruptly." Sayo reached for and grabbed Hina's wrist, pulling her closer in order to gently push her in Chisato's direction.
"Eve and Maya stayed behind to entertain the crowd while we came to get you," Chisato explained, voice smooth but with an underlying trace of exasperation. "We'll have to quickly change into new outfits for the next song. We don't have much time."
"Hina, go back to your show. I'll be home if you want to discuss this further," Sayo replied, in order to coax her sister into leaving already. However intense a moment they had just shared, Sayo valued professionalism, and would not stand for her sister to let her bandmates down. her hand was still resting on Hina's back, and traced a finger up her spine, teasing.
"You said you wanted to understand me better, did you not? I'll be waiting for you when you get back."
Sayo spoke in a lowered voice, directly into Hina's ear. She heard the words spilling from her lips, realized the promise they carried within them.
They weren't done with whatever this was, not so early in.
Hina looked back at her, eyes flashing in delight, before nodding.
"I'll be back, oneechan!"
As Hina walked back to her group, Sayo caught the bassist's eye. Chisato glanced from her to Hina with a curious expression on her face. It disappeared as the guards began to usher them out of the alley and back to the street. Sayo watched the pastel blue of Hina's figure fade from view.
She touched her lips. With this mouth, for so many years, she had tried to cut Hina out of her life with harsh words but now, with the same mouth, she and her sister had a reached some primal level of understanding that left her standing there in wonder. A stray droplet beaded on the tip of her fringe, a small crystal, before it fell to the ground.
Despite all this anxiety, confusion welling up inside her, Sayo had to admit to herself that she was excited to see where this would go.
She turned around and made her way home.