When I Would Have Laughed
Freedomhowler
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They are J.K. Rowling's. I am merely borrowing them for my own twisted pleasure.
Summary: REWRITTEN "I wonder if we were better off a year ago, when I would have laughed." HarryDraco SLASH
If you had told me a year ago that something like this would have happened, I would have hexed you until you bled from your ears and then laughed while you twitched on the floor. But today, there is no blood and I am not laughing.
I'm not sure when it started. Maybe months ago or just in the last few days, but I'm don't think it is going to end anytime soon. I never thought I was capable of this. Admiration, respect, even awe but not this. I'm not sure my roommates have felt this either. We've grown up the way we were supposed to. Loyal to those like us but apathetic to the outside world. It began when we were at home but it was completed while we were at school. Every one expected us to be ruthless, uncaring, and cruel and so we became. They all hate us for being what they wanted us to be. I'm not looking for sympathy. I wish for you to understand. We've just products of our raising just as you a product of yours. In the end, we are not so different.
I don't hate the way I am. In fact, I'm rather fond of it. I haven't change for anyone not for my father or even for my mother. And I certainly won't change for him. I wouldn't want him to change for me. I want him the way he is, scar and all. I should know it wouldn't work. His friends never will accept me and I fear I will never be able to accept them. There is too much resentment towards me that it would take years for me to overcome. We don't have years. We may not have tomorrow. Nothing is certain anymore.
I'm not sure its love. I don't even know what love feels like much less what it actually is. My parents cared for me, yes but the kept their distance to make me independent and strong. So I could be what they wanted me to be. I still feel guilt when I think of how I disappointed them but that can't be helped. The very independence they praised me for caused me to do what I wanted. Now, I think if they could they would curse it.
I'm afraid. I haven't been in nearly twelve years but I am now. I know that my feelings are returned. And when he looks at me I forget. I forget everything except him. Those moments are rare. It is hard for him to lie to them. We rarely see each other so every moment counts.
He's grown tired of hiding. I don't blame him. I have too. I hope he won't decide it isn't worth it. I believe it is. We need each other. That has become apparent. I don't know what we are going to do.
It's hard to think of him as the hope of our world. He's hardly a man and nowhere near perfect. Though, he is a better person than I or anyone else can ever be. The life they are pushing on him is difficult. Any life he's known has been hard. I worry he won't be able to handle it all. I know I couldn't but he does. I respect him more than anyone even my father.
I wish he would give up or refuse them. No matter how shameful that would be, it would be better than watching him slowly fall apart. I wish I could take on some of it myself. Maybe even give him some rest, but I can't. I fear the responsibility of the entire world is now solely his and there is nothing anyone can do.
I fear things are coming to an end. Everyone in this world is drained and fearful. He is uncompromising. He is going to end it tonight and I'm afraid he will. He has brought something out of me. If I lose him, I lose it. I wonder if we were better off a year ago, when I would have laughed.