** Author's Note: Part of this story is based on season five episode, Remnants. Some texts are actual transcript from the episode. They are not my own words. Thanks you Jess for all you help. **
He could feel the ropes pulling tight against his wrists as Kolya's men pulled on him as if to have a tug-o-war. He knew what his enemy had in mind as he raised the machete type blade high in the air. In order for Koyla to gain access to the puddle jumper he needed something with his ATA gene. The blade swung down and pain seared through him and then there was blackness.
John awoke with sweat dripping from his brow. He reached for his left hand, still aching from the memory of losing it, but it wasn't even real. His nightmare was based on a facade that an A.I. did to protect his mission for the Sharakis.
It had only meant to distract John until its mission was complete, with the help of two other artificial intelligences that used McKay and Woolsey. They needed help with the recovery of their device that held great importance to them.
Tens of thousands of years ago, a civilization foresaw its end. After millions of years of evolution, a race known as the Sakari faced extinction. Knowing they couldn't save themselves, they spent their final days creating the means to start over. They built seed carriers, each with a different target world programmed into its navigation system – worlds that would provide them with the chemical compounds necessary to produce, sustain and develop life. Each seed carrier also held a repository containing the history of the Sakari people – their struggles, their achievements and the mistakes that ultimately led to their own destruction. The seed carriers were outfitted with sub-space communicators designed to alert the group once a seeding was successful. Over fifty were launched; none achieved their goal.
The A.I's were able to reach into their minds and learn from them. Two used themselves to gain trust of McKay and Woolsey to retrieve the device make the decision to send it back on its mission. While the third became an old haunt to John. A man he knew he killed.
He recalled the last conversation the A.I and him had.
"As a soldier, you were a threat. If anyone was to use force to secure the repository, it would have been you, the military man. So I connected with your mind to distract you," Kolya said to John.
"Distract" me? Making me think the Jumper had been sabotaged would have been enough of a distraction," John rebutted.
"You would have discovered the subterfuge. I'm unable to maintain a static illusion over time. It was necessary to keep your mind occupied," Kolya continued to explain his reasoning for everything.
"And that's what you chose?" John glared at the A.I with a disapproving tone to his voice.
"What you chose," The A.I quickly responded. "I didn't have full control over your hallucination or the direction it took. It was your mind driving the diversion. I merely played along."
John looked slightly confused, "You're saying I tortured myself?"
"You torture yourself every day, John – but in this case it was your mind manifesting your darkest fears. You were the architect of your own self deception," the A.I answered with a sound of sympathy in his voice.
The whole ordeal still plagued him.
He rubbed his left hand to get out any remaining ache that was left in it, thankful that he still had it. He got up, walked out of his quarters and headed towards the gym. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn't sleep now. His head was full of thoughts flying in his mind. It wasn't the first time this had happened and he knew it wouldn't be the last.
He started to work out with the B.O.B., the Body Opponent Bag, but it only aggravated the pain in his hand more and he really didn't seem to be into it. He began to look around and found a pair of banots rods that Teyla must've left behind. He had done some practicing with Ronon, but it had been awhile since he's practiced with Teyla. The thought of their first session brought a glimmer in his eyes, despite the severe butt thrashing.
He began to slowly twirl the rods between his fingers and before long he was moving about the room as if he was fighting an opponent across from him. His movements flowed like he hadn't done in a long time. Fighting was different with Ronon. It was precise and quick, but with Teyla it was almost like a dance.
He became lost in his thoughts almost to the point where he was enjoying himself and relaxing, but then the thoughts of his failures started to surface. How he failed so many of his men; Sumner, Ford, Carson, Elizabeth, Teyla and many more. Even the people of the Pegasus Galaxy that suffered from certain mistakes they allowed or made, he blamed himself.
Michael was one of their biggest mistakes. How could he allow himself to think they could cure the Wraith and make them human? How could he allow him escape from them so many times? How could he have not known that it was Michael that was behind taking Teyla?
With each passing question his anger grew greater. He's movements were no longer flowing, but quick and sloppy. He started thinking about how they could've lost her and her baby. Not just once, but twice. Michael taking control over Altantis was something that took him by surprise. He had let his guard down when he thought Michael died when the Daedalus destroyed his Wraith ship. A mistake she should've have seen coming. Luckily Teyla come to his defense when he was getting his butt kicked by Michael and she was able to finally end her nightmare and kick it off the tower of Atlantis. If only he could do the same.
He continued to mentally beat himself more failures in his life until he heard someone clear their throat from behind. He was so enthralled with what he was doing that he lost all senses to what was around him. He quickly turned around to see Ronon standing there with a frown on his face.
"You wanna talk about it?" Ronon asked in his deep voice.
John walked over to the bench by the window to get a towel to wipe the sweat off of him and trying to catch his breath, "About what? What do you mean?" John tried to pretend that he didn't understand what his friend was asking.
"Ronon's brows furled, "Whatever. We all know something is bothering you."
John's eyes widened as he became more serious, "Who's we?
"Like McKay and Teyla," Ronon began to say. "And I'm not sure, but Woolsey might be suspicious too."
"Really?" John was growing more concern. He knew there was a new psychiatrist on Atlantis and she was the last one he wanted to talk to about his problems.
"No, but if you keep acting like this he will," Ronon's voiced boomed with sincerity.
"Don't worry. I'll be fine. I always am," John said as he started to walk towards the door.
Ronon stepped in front of him to prevent him from leaving the room, "You know you can say whatever with to me and I won't say anything." Ronon paused. "We noticed that after your trip to the mainland a few months make you haven't been yourself. What happened out there?"
John paused for a moment almost ready to tell him what had happened, but the alarm on his watch went off.
"Nothing that I want to talk about," he said softly. He walked around Ronon. "I gotta get ready. I'll see you at breakfast."
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After his shower, he heard the chimes on his door ring. He opened the door to see Teyla standing there with a worried look on his face.
"Oh great! Not you too," he said with great sarcasm and rolled his eyes before retreating back to his room.
"But John…," she began with increasing concern in her voice.
"I'm fine, Teyla," he interrupted.
He frantically started searching for his boots. He wanted to leave this conversation as soon as possible, but his frustration was only keeping him from concentrating clearly and kept overseeing the obvious. Teyla could see him where he normally kept them, but didn't try to tell him so she could talk to him longer. She knew him well enough that he was trying to get out as quickly as possible.
"You are not all right," she sighed. "Look at you. You have dark circles under your eyes, you are increasingly becoming irritable, we know that you are not getting the proper sleep requirement and we are greatly concerned for you."
John huffed, "It's not the first time…"
He finally found his boots. He could tell that Teyla could see him the whole time. He gave her a sideways glare and she turned her gaze away from him.
As he put his boots on he continued, "Like I was saying. It's not the first time and it won't be the last that I show all those signs. It kinda comes with the job."
She hated his sarcastic snippets and she exhaled in defeat, "It is not the only reason why I came." She stepped in closer to John. "Mr. Woolsey is going to ask each one of us to meet with Dr. Simmons."
Dr. Jayne Simmons was the new psychiatrist.
He gave her a curious look, "Why?"
"It appears that she wants to know us better," she saw John's eyes squint. "Mr. Woolsey's words, not mine."
John cleared his throat, "Well… I'm busy. I'll just tell him I don't have time."
He walked pasted her and headed towards his door. She turned around before he got the chance to exit, "He told me that it is going to be mandatory."
John stopped in his tracks, not knowing what to say.
"He has called us to the conference room to a meeting. He tried to get a hold of you, but you comm. was off…so that is the reason why I had to come."
He still remained behind his closed door, frozen in his place. Teyla reached out and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and he barely turned his head to look at her.
"Perhaps it is good for her to be here. She could…" she began with a soft and loving voice.
"I don't want to discuss this with her," he was barely audible.
She sighed, "Are you so willing to lose your position here on Atlantis?
He quickly turned to face her, but didn't think of how close they would be. He swallowed hard when her body brushed up against his. This was another one of his demons. Longing for a woman that he cannot have. She was with another man and has his child and even though they are not married, he would never get in between that. He had his chance, but he blew it.
He shook himself out of his thoughts and stepped back before answering her, "No, of course not.
He walked back to his bed and sat down, "You know I'm not good at expressing my feeling, never mind to a 'shrink'. I've always been able to deal with thing on my own."
Teyla sat next to him and place a gentle hand on his upper arm, "We have know each other for many years and deeply cherish our friendship."
John nodded, "I do too."
She hesitated to continue, "But Rodney, Ronon and I have felt you become more distant with us lately. I have felt it for some time now, since I told you that I was expecting Kanaan's child…."
"And I'm really sorry for all that," he apologetically jumped in.
"She smiled, "I know." She continued to search her words carefully. "What I am trying to say is that if you do not wish to talk to Dr. Simmons, would you not want to talk to someone you trust. Like one of us?"
John clenched his left hand as if it was in pain, but he knew it was all in his head and Teyla noticed his gesture.
"John? What is it?" her concern for him had increased considerably. John remained silent and unclenched his hand slowly.
She thought of when he started to favor his left hand more. It was after he was on the mainland and had his own encounter with one of the A.I's. McKay bragged that he was with Radek the whole time and wasn't seeing beings that wasn't there, until it was confirmed that Radek was still off world and Woolsey also gave some mention of what his dealings were with them, but John never did. It had to be something bad.
"What did they do to you?" she pleaded.
He let out a cynical laugh, "They didn't do anything… that's the problem." He got back up and headed towards the door. "We should go before we are even more late."
Teyla knew he was right and she also knew at this point he wasn't going to let her pry anymore, "Yes, you are correct. We should go."
He stopped one more time before they began walking down the corridor. He cleared his throat and his face crunched up a bit, "Thanks, Teyla."
She gave him a sympathetic smile, "You are most welcome."
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