My vision was blurry as I dragged my feat down the familiar cement hallways. It was cold, and dark and so was I . I tried hard to focus on Gidge in my mind... what she looked like in the morning before tip-toeing into my shower, how her feet curled when I kissed her, her laugh when we danced glass of wine-in-hand in our warm little bungalow cooking up domestic bliss ... how she'd look now , realizing I'd fucked it all up... Still beautiful I'm sure... I shook my head hard and chewed my lip trying not to make eye contact with the influx of other new inmates passing by me . I felt anger and hurt prickle down the surface of my skin like goose bumps as I inhaled the smell of musty cells and failure all around me.
The guards on either side of me halted and gestured me forward to sit for intake but I wouldn't budge. I saw Bridget pass by the window on the other side, her eyes searching me for answers and welled up with hurt and I was furious. I remembered her, the first time she looked that way tapping her dainty fingers on the glass of my cell in the slot; how I smiled and watched her believe in my fighting spirit... but not this time, this time it hurt me badly to watch her through the glass. I groaned audibly and struggled the guards off of me.
"Doyle! Doyle! Knock it off come have a seat yeah?" A familiar voice should have calmed me perhaps, but hearing Will address me like that did nothing but stir me up more and I lost it on him too, knowing he'd be looking at me like a failure among the see of other faces that I already knew were thinking just that.
"Ahhhhmphmmm ! Fuck off me!" I screamed and kicked myself lose knocking the guards off balance enough to release me. I hit the ground hard , hands still cuffed behind me , panting and sweaty. With Will Jackson motioning the guards to leave us I finally took a moment to breath in enough to fill my laboured lungs.
"Franky what are you doin' ? You're already making this worse for yourself ... Keep calm and it'll look better for your hearing."
I wrinkled my face hard and rolled my lower lip over my bottom teeth repeatedly before mumbling. "like I'll evah fucking get out alive again..."