Transience
Warnings: Character deaths. References to the Judith novels, but no real major spoilers, I promise!
Notes: Ba'ul-centric (I think that's a first in this fandom!). Very heavy focus on Ba'ul-Judith friendship. Angst angst angst.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Vesperia.
When Ba'ul first met Judith, they were both very young.
Due to their respective species, though, "young" meant something different for each of them. Judith was eight years old, and amongst her kin, those called the Kritya, she was considered a child. And Ba'ul? Well, he couldn't actually remember exactly how old he was, but he knew it was at least a century. And to the Entelexeia, that meant he was still a baby.
And at first, this didn't mean anything to either Judith or Ba'ul. All that mattered was that they had both been alone for so long, that they had both needed a friend and had found one in each other, that they were mentally linked to one another and loved each other deeply and wanted to stay together forever.
Judith was Ba'ul's best and dearest friend, and all he cared about was being with her.
So Ba'ul was there for Judith through everything. He was there to save her life when she was nine and her hometown was destroyed. He was there to comfort her when she was thirteen and the effects of the Circle and the death of her father and the memories of the Great War still had her traumatized. He was there to be her faithful partner when she was sixteen and she embarked on a mission to destroy Hermes blastia all while she struggled to shoulder the burden of an entire world.
He was there to watch when Judith was nineteen and she found new friends on her journey and she finally, finally wasn't suffering anymore.
So Ba'ul got to see Judith start living a better life, got to see her save the world and dedicate herself to Brave Vesperia and love other people besides him. And oh, he was so happy for her, so glad that she wasn't hurting anymore, so proud of the woman she had become.
Judith had grown into a fantastic young adult.
And Ba'ul was so relieved that he let himself forget he was still just a baby.
The fear didn't fully set in until the first time Judith lost a fellow party member.
It had always been there in retrospect, always lurked in the back of Ba'ul's mind, but it never really hit home until a 26-year-old Judith received the sudden news and he had to rush her to the lower quarter so she could help organize and attend the burial.
We know we can't really give him an official funeral, Judith somberly told Ba'ul during the ride there, but Repede deserves at least this much.
Ba'ul couldn't enter the town himself, of course, but through Judith, he was able to know the gist of everything that went on during her stay. The day after Judith arrived, they buried Repede in the fields outside Zaphias, where the entire party, as well as a good majority of the residents of the lower quarter, showed up to give their respects. Judith and the rest of her friends stuck around for several days afterwards to keep Yuri company, but they all had to take off eventually.
Yuri's still taking it really hard, Judith reported as she packed her things on the eighth day, and she conveyed to Ba'ul memories of the man sitting in his room, surrounded by his friends but casting forlorn glances at the empty corner that had once held Repede's bed, smiling weakly even when it seemed like at any moment he might start to cry. I feel bad about leaving him.
Ba'ul projected that he understood. He lost a dear friend. It must have been quite a shock.
Judith didn't fully agree. Well, not entirely. It doesn't make this any easier, but Yuri knew it was coming. Dogs don't live very long, and Repede was already pretty old. It was just his time.
..."Just his time", huh, Ba'ul echoed almost vacantly, and it was a brutal wake-up call to suddenly realize just how much those words reflected their own situation.
Because just like how dogs had shorter lives than humans, humans and Krityans had much shorter lives than Entelexeia. And while Ba'ul had always been aware of that, always known it in his heart, only now did it start to sink in what exactly the impact of that would be.
Repede had died before Yuri, and similarly, Judith would inevitably die long before Ba'ul.
Ba'ul? When Judith called out again, she was concerned and sorrowful, and he knew that she was aware of how he felt, of how he was now sad and anxious and afraid because someday she was going to leave him behind. It felt like she was close to crying as she relayed, Oh Ba'ul, I'm sorry...
He could sense how helpless she suddenly felt, how much she wanted to comfort him, how much she wished to tell him, It's okay, I'm here, I'm not going to leave you.
But she didn't say it. She couldn't say it.
They both knew it would just be a lie.
Time passed.
Time passed far too quickly.
Ba'ul knew it would be foolish to let the fear hang over him, and rather than worry about the inevitable future, he did all he could to make the best of whatever time he had left with Judith. But even still, her life seemed to just fly by.
Major events passed practically one after the other. Some members of the party got married and had kids. Brave Vesperia grew and grew until it had earned acclaim rivaling those of the Five Master Guilds. Judith and her friends steadily lost the youthfulness in their faces and began to take on slight wrinkles and whitened hairs. To Ba'ul, it all seemed to be happening way too fast.
And then, all too soon, Raven passed away.
His blastia just...gave out, Judith thought as she lay wide awake in bed the night before they held Raven's funeral. It lasted him until he was sixty-eight, though. He probably never expected to live as long as he did.
She was upset, resigned but also downcast and choked up and filled with a sense of loss, and something hot seemed to burn its way up her throat, seemed to brim at her eyes. Ba'ul responded by emitting his empathy, hoping that he would somehow be able to comfort her just a little.
He used to not want to live at all, Judith continued. But...I want to believe that we were able to change him. I'd like to think that in the end, he was happy.
Ba'ul knew there wasn't much he could do help, so he simply expressed his agreement, kept her company throughout the entire night, and tried not to dwell on his own sorrows.
Twenty years later, Yuri, who apparently still had some fight left in him even in his seventies, dashed straight into a pack of rampaging monsters to save a group of civilians, succeeding in the effort but also receiving the grave wounds that eventually did him in.
Six years after Yuri's death, Rita's lungs failed on her, and Judith scrambled to get help but it was too late, and at the hospital, she clutched onto the mage's hand as her pulse grew ever weaker and then wept for hours after it stopped.
Two years later, Karol just went and collapsed out of the blue right in the middle of a regular Brave Vesperia delivery mission, and the doctors and Estelle were able to keep him alive but bedridden for a whole week before his body finally surrendered and went cold.
The year after that, Estelle simply slipped away in her sleep, and when she was found in the morning she was smiling, painlessly and peacefully like she knew her life had run its course and was sure that everything would be okay.
And actually, everything was okay, or at least as okay as could be expected. Judith's old party members were all gone, and Ba'ul knew she mourned them and missed them terribly, but she wasn't entirely alone. By this time, her friends' kids had had kids and Judith was still given company by the people that called her "Aunt Judy" and the children that saw her as their "other grandma".
And of course, Judith still had Ba'ul. Of course she still had her best friend who she talked about everything with, who helped her continue traveling despite how her friends' kids kept telling her not to exert herself, who loved her more than anyone else in the world and swore to be with her for as long as she needed him to be there.
Yes, Judith would always have Ba'ul.
Even if he couldn't always have her.
Krityans had a natural longevity over humans. It was slight and practically nothing in comparison to the longevity of the Entelexeia, but it was there nonetheless. So even after the last of her friends had left her behind, Judith continued to live on for quite a few years.
But she could not last for long, and finally, the day Ba'ul had always dreaded had to arrive. Judith was ninety-seven, and though she still continued to fly around the world with Ba'ul, that was just about the only thing she had retained from her youth. Now, her once brilliant blue hair was dulled by streaks of gray, and her body was not nearly as strong as it used to be.
And, Ba'ul noticed as he communicated with her from his position carrying the Fiertia while she sat on the deck, their previously infallible mental connection was wavering for the very first time.
Even still, when Judith called out, Set her down, Ba'ul, he heard her just fine, and he instantly landed in the nearest open field he saw. Once they touched down, Judith asked him to try and bring himself to her level, and with a little maneuvering around the harnesses, he lowered himself beside the ship until his belly hit the grass and he and Judith were at eye level with each other.
Judith laid her hand on Ba'ul's forehead, and while he normally treasured the feel of her touch, it hardly offered even slight comfort now. They both knew that this was it, that her senses were fading away and would soon stop working altogether, and as her essence grew ever weaker, she conveyed to him a wave of sentiment that said so many different things all at once—
I'm sorry. I hope you'll be okay without me. I'm so glad I met you. Thank you for everything you've done for me.
I love you.
—And underlying it all, there was the undeniable sense of Goodbye.
And Ba'ul clutched desperately at those feelings she shared with him, held steadfastly onto their precious connection, until it finally vanished completely and he knew without a doubt that she was truly gone.
Her hand, no longer bound by her will, fell lifelessly from his head, and Ba'ul slowly and carefully nudged it and the rest of her body fully inside the ship so that it wouldn't fall out when he took off. Not that he was going to take off yet—he would have to eventually, he would have to take her back to her friends' kids because they deserved to know about their aunt's passing—but not yet. Not for a long time.
Ba'ul knew he was crying, knew it by the sense of shattering in his soul rather than the feel of tears in his eyes, and he slumped down unfeelingly into the ground beneath him. Taking in a deep breath, he let out a long, echoing wail, one of mourning and loss and overwhelming grief. And yet somehow, perhaps because of a need to hold something besides sadness in his heart, the cry was also laced with just a tinge of bittersweet relief, because Ba'ul had received Judith's thoughts right down to her last moments and he knew exactly how she had felt.
In the end, Judith had felt fulfilled. In the end, Judith had been happy.
And in the end, that was the most Ba'ul could have ever asked for.
Time passed.
Time passed far too slowly.
Once Ba'ul had left Judith's body to the humans, he flew off and left behind the Fiertia and everything it held and didn't look back once. Life would have to go on, Ba'ul knew that, but he honestly wasn't sure if he would be able to make it to the next day, much less the millions, billions more that he had ahead of him.
It was a battle that felt like it lasted for far too long. Ba'ul had been so accustomed to his telepathic connection to Judith, to her constant stream of thoughts and the reassuring feel of her presence. But now he had to get used to silence and force himself to accept that he would never be able to share her burden or relish her joy or receive her love ever again. And for some time—he didn't know how long, maybe weeks or months or years—he kept to himself, racing aimlessly through the skies as if to somehow outrun his sorrow, trying to pull himself back together but never quite succeeding because a key part of him was missing and could never, ever be replaced.
After that, Ba'ul eventually worked up the nerve to step out of his shell and started visiting the other Entelexeia and communicating with the spirits again. He never did return to approaching humans or the Kritya—his only link to them had been Judith, and without her, what was the point?—but the Entelexeia and spirits were his friends, and they were willing to support Ba'ul and treat him as their own kin. And with their help, slowly but surely, he started to move on and got his life back on track.
And finally, Ba'ul was okay. He hadn't quite stopped grieving, and he knew that he never would, but he was okay and that was enough to keep him going.
So he flew around the world and spent time amongst the Entelexeia all while continuing to consume aer, steadily growing bigger and becoming stronger as a result. He couldn't say he was unhappy like this—life was easy enough and he wasn't alone—but he couldn't really say he was satisfied either.
And that was how Ba'ul lived for several millenia, until the day the spirits informed him that he now had enough aer in his body to form an apatheia and safely undergo spirit conversion.
They told him that he didn't have to become a spirit immediately—there would be absolutely no problem with him living as long as his Entelexeian life allowed. And Ba'ul did put it off for some years, because he was unsure of whether it would truly be wise to purposely cut his own life short, even if he did know another life would await him. But once he had time to fully realize it, he knew what he truly wanted to choose.
Ba'ul was growing weary of this existence. He had nothing to lose in taking on a new one.
It was with this mindset that he resolved himself and willingly swallowed down a field's worth of toxic plants. The Four Great Spirits themselves, who he had told about his plans beforehand, were there to aid him, using their powers to sooth his body and conversing with him to keep his mind off the pain and make the process as easy as possible.
One of them asked, as Ba'ul felt his own essence fade, if he might want to change his name after the process, like the four of them and many other spirits had. Ba'ul didn't even hesitate to give an emphatic No.
"Ba'ul" was the first name he had ever received, the name that meant "freedom" in some strange but wonderful ancient language, the name that had been gifted to him by an eight-year-old girl on that day so very long ago that they had become each other's best friend.
He was Ba'ul, and that was how it was going to stay.
And as he communicated that to be his will, he felt the spirits smile upon him, their gazes filled with fond warmth as they responded, As you wish.
And even as everything went dark, Ba'ul felt perfectly at peace.
When Ba'ul awoke, he was immediately assaulted by voices.
They weren't the voices of the spirits, he could tell that much, and he didn't quite recognize them, but he had a feeling that he should because they cried out in chorus with sentiments of familiarity and joy and echoes of Congratulations. Then there were other voices, the voices of the spirits this time, and when he conveyed to them his confusion and surprise, they responded, As a spirit, you now have much greater powers. Powers that can transcend certain boundaries.
He still didn't quite understand until one more voice broke through all the others with a simple cry of Ba'ul!, and this one he recalled instantly, because even after all this time, he had never been able to forget it.
Shocked but suddenly hopeful, Ba'ul forced himself to concentrate on that single voice, to follow it back where it came from, and as his senses heightened even further, the source became abundantly clear. His vision exploded as he reached it, and the next instant, she was there, not physically, but there nonetheless. She was there in mind and spirit and soul, in a way that still allowed Ba'ul to hear that nostalgic tinkling laugh that was filled with relief and warmth and joy, to see those vibrant blue tresses and bright violet eyes that had once been possessed by a girl of nineteen years, to feel those arms that reached out and seemed to encompass him entirely in their embrace even when in the material realm they used to be so small.
I missed you, Ba'ul. She pulled back, sporting a lively and radiant grin, and for the first time, Ba'ul noticed the figures standing behind her, a colorful group of characters that stood together and looked pleased at the reunion they were witnessing. They were the friends she'd had in her life, Ba'ul realized, and also the sources of the first voices he'd heard upon waking.
I missed you too, Ba'ul managed to respond, still stunned, and he watched as her smile grew even wider and spread across her face, showing that she had heard him loud and clear. That almost abandoned mental link, that space at the other end that had been empty and missing for so, so long, was filled again, complete, whole and working and wonderful like it had never been gone in the first place.
Ba'ul had taken on a different form as a spirit—one with wispy legs and arms rather than wings, and as everything started to fully sink in, he decided to test out his new, very humanlike face. He quirked his lips upwards to return the grin, and it felt awkward and probably looked that way too, but she didn't care one bit. Her emotions stirred, and oh it was so wonderful to be able to feel that they stirred, and if she had been filled with joy before, now she was overflowing with it. His sentiments matched hers entirely as he reached out to hug her again, and he treasured the fact that he could hold her, that she was here, that they were together.
Ba'ul had his best friend back.
And in that moment, nothing else mattered.
More Notes:
-Written because I came up with character death scenarios and Ba'ul-Judith friendship is very important.
-The "Circle" that I mentioned in the first part is a crucial plot point in the Judith novels. Not gonna go into details because spoilers, but just letting you know.
-Speaking realistically, dogs tend not to live beyond ten-fifteen years old, depending on various factors. Terca Lumireis's rules may vary, but I made Repede live to be about eleven just because.
-That thing about Krityans living longer than humans is something I made up. Just try to roll with it.
-Yes, Ba'ul can shed physical tears when he's sad. That is a thing that he can do, as confirmed by the novels. So shut up, it's not like any of you are experts at dragon anatomy.
-According to the Judith novels, "Ba'ul" actually means "freedom" in Fwineeg, which is an ancient language. And yes, Judith was the one who named him.
-Umm, the ending. Right...the ending. Uhhhh, honestly I don't know how to explain how any of that works so I'm just gonna chalk it up to some spiritual deus ex machina shit and move on. I know that's a really stupid and contrived way out but I don't care; I needed Ba'ul to be happy at the end.
-Yeahhhh, you know what, I'm just gonna go and never write anything again. Ever. Bye.