Feeling too lazy to do the necessary research for the next story in the Tamao Series, so here's a tribute to my favorite guilty pleasure pair. It seems not a lot of SP writers like to tackle the issues of depression and heartbreak and just dive into the fluff. Fortunately, depression is my forte.
The original version was about self-worth/self-value, but then I remembered this isn't Evangelion (that is, I ran out of inspiration). I do believe Strawberry Panic is the Evangelion of yuri though. That sentence makes me chuckle with its ridiculousness.
Edit: some dialogue have been changed to match chapter 2's
"The Etoile election is about to begin."
"I know which side is going to win. There's no point in watching it."
"What are you saying? You must be stupid for not watching Hikari in her moment of triumph."
"Yes, I'm stupid. I stay here because I want to."
"Suit yourself."
"I will."
How long has it been since they uttered those words? Tsubomi cannot remember anymore. Perhaps it had been an hour, or two, or ten. Even with the curtains drawn, the heavy grey clouds that obscure the sky darkens the day so much that there is no difference between the light of morning and the darkness of evening.
The passage of time, however, is the least of Tsubomi's worries. In fact, given her present company, she would not mind sitting in this room all day. The company in question would be Yaya Nanto, Tsubomi's upperclassman and… her crush.
AAAAAAAAAAHHH! Even admitting it to myself embarrasses me so much that I get gooseflesh! Screams the pinkette internally as her face reddens. Luckily, the object of her desires is too wrapped up in her depression to notice Tsubomi's temporary vulnerability.
The thought of her senpai's depression brings the first year's demeanor back to serious. Indeed, Tsubomi hadn't sat herself down beside Yaya just because she likes (shudder) her. It was because Yaya needed someone. Tsubomi may be young, but she is not stupid, and she's certainly sharp. Although the dark haired Spican tried to put on a brave, supporting face for Hikari, her inner pain showed through her mask and Tsubomi saw through all of it. Yaya may have smiled, but her eyes cried with sorrow, and the pinkette could not ignore it.
The only problem is how to help? Tsubomi has spent the entire time thinking it over, and she still has no answer. The first year Spican can't really relate—how can she? The person she adores is still available; she still has a chance at happiness. Tsubomi can, however, understand Yaya's love. After all, she feels the same way about Yaya. She can imagine how it would feel if the one she loved gave herself to someone else. How can she translate her feelings into words though? How can she ease her senpai's pain?
At any rate, it will be better if the black haired third year does not stew in her own sadness for too long. Tsubomi plucks up her courage and breaks the silence.
"Don't feel bad Yaya-senpai," Tsubomi begins tentatively. At this, the girl addressed turns to look at the speaker. "Just because Hikari-senpai didn't choose you doesn't mean anything. Life continues, and you can still make the best of things even without her."
"What do you know pipsqueak?" responds Yaya with a tone so bitter it makes Tsubomi's blood chill. "What do you know about devoting all your effort to something and getting nothing out of it? For the past year I spent all my energy on Hikari's happiness. I've never tried so hard at anything, and in the end all I got for my efforts is heartbreak and loneliness." At this the dark haired girl's voice becomes laced with frustration, and angry tears threaten to spill from her eyes. "I can't find joy in anything anymore, not even in the things I used to love doing. Nothing feels worth doing anymore, sometimes even my life doesn't—"
"Don't say that Yaya-senpai!" Tsubomi all but shouts. She can feel the hot surge of tears tickle the back of her eyes. The first year Spican has never heard anything so scary before in her life. How could the person she looked up to so much talk like this? A burning feeling that's like a mix between outrage and alarm boils in her chest as Tsubomi speaks.
"I don't think we're too different, you and I." From the corner of her eye, Tsubomi catches Yaya's startled and bemused look, which causes the pinkette to doubt herself briefly, but she strengthens her resolve and continues. "We both devote ourselves to other people. You've told me about your devotion to Hikari-senpai, now let me return the favour.
"My mother was a high achiever and expected everyone around her to be just as accomplished as her. Age didn't matter to her. I can't remember a time when she was satisfied with the way I was, even at a young age. I'd always have to improve somehow. Be smarter, better looking, more polite, and more mature. Little me didn't know better, and so I spent nine years submitting myself to her standards, devoting all my efforts to make her happy so she would praise me.
"And yet, she was never satisfied. If I wasn't perfect, I could improve, and mother would rather focus on the 1% I could improve on than the 99% I had already achieved. I hated it. Even worse, this sort of mentality carried over to how I would treat my friends. I always had to try my hardest around people so they could compliment me and tell me how good and smart I was. Probably because my friends were also overachievers. Sometimes it felt like we weren't so much as friends as we were competitors that socialized.
"I never reconciled with mother. Even up till the moment I left for Astraea, she looked at me like I was an object and I regarded her with a cold respect that would not exist were she not my mother.
"Thankfully, Saint Spica was different. I met a person who was different from all the others I had known. She was bold, she was confident, and she did what she wanted. She didn't care what others said about her as long as she got her way. Sure, the way she acted and the way she talked down at me infuriated me at first, but the same attributes also drew me to her. She didn't live for others, she lived for herself, and I wanted to experience that kind of freedom vicariously by being close to her."
"Well, you can see that you're wrong about me now," interrupts Yaya. Her voice, though bitter, does not carry the same edge to it anymore. "I'm no role model, and I never will be."
"Exactly, Yaya-senpai. Like I said, we're just the same. I thought you would be the one to help me, but I can also help you. No, rather, we can help each other. I've thought about how to be my own person for a long time now, and I think what I've come up with will help you as well."
"Well, you don't look like you're going to take 'no' for an answer, so let's hear what you have to say," sighs the third year Spican.
"The first step should be a small one. Instead of devoting all of your efforts to one person, it's better to split up your energy over many. That's why you have friends; that's what we're here for. After all, it's simply not healthy to put all of your hopes on one person because no one is perfect. Even with many people, you will be disappointed, but at least your whole world won't collapse because of the mistake of one person. With many people, we can support each other. Your friends want you to be happy. We want to share your pain. I don't want you to suffer by yourself. I'm here for you, please talk to me."
Tsubomi doesn't know when, but sometime during that speech, she had reached over and grabbed Yaya's hand. For a terrifying moment silence reigns once more and Yaya just looks at Tsubomi with the same sad, withdrawn look she's been wearing for the past few days. Then, the mask breaks and her expression changes from measured sadness to unadulterated sorrow.
"It hurts," Yaya manages to mumble. "It hurts so much but the tears won't come. The pain won't go away." Their eyes meet and for the first time Tsubomi can see just how broken inside her senpai is. The depths of her anguish scares the first year a little, but she's determined to help the raven haired Spican through her dark time.
"Why does nothing feel right anymore?" screams Yaya as she throws herself into Tsubomi's lap, wracking with dry sobs.
If the situation wasn't so sad, Tsubomi is sure she would be blushing right now. After all, she's dreamed of this moment for who-knows how long. Something in Yaya's voice, however, prevents anything except pity and empathy from being aroused. Her voice is so lost, like a young child separated from her mother, that the sound of it just breaks Tsubomi's heart. The pinkette settles for holding Yaya in the most comforting embrace she can muster.
This is fine, she thinks. It just wouldn't do if I took advantage of my senpai in her vulnerable state. I'll confess when we're both ready. For now, she just needs to let go of her tears. What can I say...?
"Things will be all right," soothes Tsubomi as she strokes the heartbroken Spican's dark mane. "Let the tears flow. Let me share your sorrow. You're not alone, I'm here for you. You have me."
Tsubomi never considered herself religious (the religious work she did at Astraea were more for duty than for salvation), but nevertheless gave her thanks to God, because her words must've struck a chord with Yaya, as the first year almost immediately feels her uniform dampen with fresh tears. Tsubomi continues to stroke Yaya's hair as the third year gives full vent to her heartbreak.
It's not until much later that Yaya's sobs stop and the two girls settle into a comfortable silence. So comfortable a silence that Tsubomi almost falls asleep, if not for the older Spican's timely words.
"I know that words don't mean a lot, especially when they come from me, but I really wanna thank you. I feel better now. I'm not over it yet, but I think I'm ready to take the first steps to recovery now. I don't think I'd be able to without you."
The words snap Tsubomi out of her pleasant, near dream-like state. All of a sudden, all she can think of is the intimacy of their position and the sincerity of Yaya's words. The pinkette's face heats up and all of her former eloquence is lost to embarrassment.
"D-don't get the wrong idea!" she manages to stammer out. "I'm not doing this because I'm worried or anything, I—"
"Yeah yeah, I get it. You're not worried or anything." The raven haired girl replies with a smile, a wide, genuine smile so dazzling that Tsubomi can't help but flush even harder. Yaya raises her head from the first year student's lap and looks her in the eye. "I've been thinking about what you said, and it makes good sense. But you had more to say, didn't you? The thing about friends...that was just the first step, wasn't it? Tell me more. For a small girl, you really think about big ideas, and they're very helpful."
"Huh? Oh, right. Yes. Aahhh, well…." The pink haired girl curses herself for getting lost in her senior's smile. How could she do anything but stare when Yaya smiles so brilliantly? Thankfully, she recollects her wits relatively quickly. "Right! Living for yourself! I remember now!"
Yaya's smile changes to a smirk that borders between amused and derisive. Tsubomi quickly starts talking before the dark haired Spican can snark at her.
"Well, the next step should be an obvious one. Instead of doing things for the benefit of other people or because other people want you to, do it because you want to, because you like it. This has been on my mind for a while as well. Do you like singing, in the choir I mean?"
The third year takes a moment to ponder the question before answering. "I used to hate singing actually. It brought up bad memories that I would rather remain buried. But you know what? I can't imagine life without singing anymore. I love it. I love the thrill of performing in front of an audience. I love the beautiful sounds we create as a group. I love how each individual comes together with all our faults and make something so pure and perfect together. I think I can truthfully say that I love singing in the choir."
"Good!" cries Tsubomi as she snatches Yaya's hands. "Then come to choir practice!"
"...What?"
"Don't do it because I told you to. Don't do it because Hikari-senpai wants you to. Do it because you love singing, because you love the music we create together. In a place like Astraea Hill, where we are far away from the expectations and standards we grew up with, we have the perfect opportunity to explore and discover what we like to do. And once we find out what we like, we should pursue it. Not because our mothers told us to. Not because our friends want us to. But because it brings joy to us. I think that is what it means to be your own person."
A contemplative silence falls on the room as Yaya mulls over Tsubomi's words.
"What about you then? What are you doing this for? You don't seem to be practicing what you preach."
"..." Tsubomi can feel the blood rushing to her face as she struggles to find a way out of Yaya's trap. She can't just say she's doing this because she likes her; the pink haired Spican is not ready to confess just yet. What can she say though? The third year's Cheshire grin is growing wider by the second.
"L-Like I said, I'm not doing this for you! I'm doing this for me, because it helps me collect my thoughts. Also, it doesn't make me happy to see you so sad. But not because you're special to me or anything, I just can't stand seeing anyone sad! Don't think I wouldn't do this for anyone else, even a random stranger! So there!" Tsubomi is breathing hard and her heart is pounding. Hopefully she didn't make herself sound like a complete idiot with those words.
"Is that so?" asks Yaya with a bemused smirk. She cups the pinkette's chin and brings their mouths so close together that the first year can feel her senior's warm breathe fanning her face. Her body is frozen. On the one hand, she's dreamed about this moment for months. Half of her wants this more than anything else in the world. On the other hand, a glance into Yaya's eyes and it's immediately obvious that she's not in the best mental state right now, it wouldn't be right if she takes advantage of her senpai's emotions right now. The other half wants to violently protest and shove Yaya away. Neither side can win over the other, so she just stiffens and freezes. The dark haired Spican, however, is just as inactive as Tsubomi. What are you waiting for Yaya-senpai? Do it.
As if hearing her thoughts, Yaya starts closing the distance between their lips. As the last of her self-control crumbles away, all Tsubomi can do is squeeze her eyes shut and wait.
Or not.
The side protesting wins over at the last moment and Tsubomi discovers a surge of strength, with which she pushes Yaya away from her.
"No! I mean yes! I mean-gah! You're hopeless Yaya-senpai!"
With that she storms out of the room and slams the door behind her. The pink haired Spican doesn't go too far though, and slumps against the wall beside the door with a goofy smile adorning her face.
I'm not quite ready to confess yet, and Yaya-senpai probably isn't ready for a serious relationship either, but I'm pretty sure we're both interested. We'll get to a place where we're both ready for each other though. I'll see to it. Wait for me, Yaya-senpai, because no matter what I'm going to be by your side.
What can I say, I like people who are mature and reflect on the situations of others and themselves. I just love it when people talk about their problems and resolve things. Which is probably why I hate Shinji.