I haven't had the chance to write many thing lately. I had this one written for at least a month but work took most of my time so and I wasn't able to published it before. I've got time now, so here it goes! Please comment your thought about it.
It was past midday in Fenris Mansion and the elf was starting to wake up because of the sunlight that was entering through the windowsill, making him broodier than usual, especially with that horrible hangover he got for last night's heavy drinking with that damn wine. Getting drunk with wine will get you really bad headaches for sure, along with some other symptoms; facts he didn't consider until that moment and that wouldn't be willing to think about for the time being. The brightness of the sun was just too much for his eyes, so he went to another room to be a little more at ease.
How long had it been now? 2 years?... yes, two years since that incident with Hawke. He didn't know how to call it anymore; it was neither a breakup nor disagreement, he just left chased by his own damn ghost and his past, both things he couldn't change so he forced himself to stop torturing and bothering himself with those thoughts. For now, and after seeing how much of a mess he was, the best thing to do would be take a bath and go out for a while.
As soon as he went out, he noticed the unusual atmosphere in Hightown: the streets were more crowded, people seemed happier and they were selling flowers everywhere. The elves around town were making a big business selling flower arrangements and bouquets. At least a something good was happening for a little change, elves were always in the lowest place of society in Thedas. Fenris walked around town, just feeling pleased from the joy atmosphere around him, and somehow he managed to end up in Lowtown, near the Hanged man. He didn't notice until Varric suddenly made his appearance in front of him.
-Hey broody! I don't intend to be rude, but you look really bad, even for you.
- All I can say is… I completely understand the meaning of the Hanged Man name now. And no, I didn't do the drunken-dance you are thinking about right now.
- Hahaha! Ok, so, was it a good night at least?- Fenris glanced at him with a fierce look.- Ok, I won't ask, but let me invite you a pint, it works for the hanged people…trust me.
They sat at the usual spot inside the tavern, a table in the corner of the establishment where they wouldn't be bothered and were still able to see what was going on around. Very useful to pass unnoticed. The place was, like the streets, more crowded than usual.
-Why is everywhere so crowded anyways? I've seen a lot of people and flowers around town.
- You really don't remember? Tomorrow night is Kirkwall's annual festival; you know to celebrate the freedom of slaves ages ago…you know.
- I see. I didn't remember.
- Really Fenris, is the biggest event of the city you've been living in for several years! How could you forget?
- I don't look at the calendar so often, and is not like I enjoy those parties at all.
- If I don't recall wrong, you were looking forward to it two years ago…and I'm sure last year would have been the same if we were not chasing some blood mages around the free marches.
- Well, that's because… -
-Because…
- I was in the mood, just that.
- Oh really?... and you expect me to believe that?
- Do as you please dwarf. But tell me, what is the big deal about the flowers?
- Oh, that my friend, is because the festival holds a ball in Hightwn and Lowtown, so everybody in town can have its own party.
- And…?
- Please, you have to figure it out that much!
- I can't thing straight right now… I remember the ball part but nothing else.
- Ok, I'll give you that. Well, the tradition is to give flowers to your female companion, is like asking her to go with you, so you take the flowers and if she accepts it, is set, you have a date to the ball.
- Is that so? I learned something new today. Good.
- Is common knowledge, and I wonder how did you end up going with Hawke two years ago?- Fenris looked down to his pint with melancholic eyes and had a sip of his drink.
- That wasn't planned.
- Care to tell me the story?
- Let's say that we… walked at the right place and the right time, just before the ball and we ended up going together, nothing special.
-Sure…
-Believe what you want.
- I know I said I wouldn't ask any more questions and I won't, but I can't help thinking that since whatever happened between you two, and obviously stopped happening, you got grumpier. At first nothing was notorious, but… this year, it is.
- I know.
- You can tell me, I won't say anything…well, I will but after a couple years. – Fenris looked at him almost offended.- Don't worry broody! We are friends aren't we? I'm not saying anything if that's what you want, but I could listen.
- Let's just say that, for all the wrong reasons in the world, I stopped what was going on between us.
- And now you regret it.
- I've made mistakes in my life, but none of them had consequences that…bother me so much. Is not like I don't care for her or want to be by her side, is just that… looks like I closed that door and nothing I do could ever open it again.
- I will disagree with you in the door part.
- What's the door part?- Isabella came to sit down with them, along with another round of pints.- Sounds interesting.
- Rivaini! I hadn't seen you all day!
-I know dear, I went to pick up my dress for tomorrow's party.
- And you look… happier.
- And I see you don't, Fenris. You even look a little greenish…
- Hangover, I'm afraid… I invited him a pint so he would feel better, but I'm afraid that is not the problem at all, so we are having a little talk.
- Awesome! Tell me all about it!
- No!
- Ok, ok! Just have a drink with me then! Let's not waste the round I've ordered.
- Someone is happy today, isn't she?
- Maybe we should ask the guy whom she spent the night with?- Fenris said laying on the wall behind him.
- You hurt me, Fenris! Maybe we should ask you why are you having a hangover today?... I'm sure the reason is not a party, am I wrong?
- Let's just chill and let Isabella tell us who is she going with? We don't want broody to get broodier!
- Oh, is just a guy I met last week. You remember that amazing hat shop I talked you about? Well, I met him there, and he is very funny to talk with, and then he sent me some flowers and now we are going to the party tomorrow. Of course, Lowtown's is way better than Hightown's, that time we went there…it was two years ago right? well that time was very boring in there.
- Maybe we should be doing the same thing this time, you know just saying hi to the nobles, Meredith and Orsino, grab some dinner and then go to the big party in Lowtown.- Varric took another pint from the table- after all, the food is great in the "nice" party.
- You mean we are going to Hightown ball? – Isabella looked a little bit shocked
- Of course we are! We are the Champion's companions; we are supposed to be there!
- Speak for yourselves. I'm not planning to go to neither parties…nor balls or whatever.- Fenris complained.
- We were invited, you are free not to assist is you'd like, but I wouldn't say no to some fun at noblemen expense!
- Count me in Varric! And who are you going with, by the way?
- Isabella, you hurt me! I'm going with Bianca, by all means!
- Of course you will… that's so you, Varric. I wonder who the others are going with.
-Aveline's date will be Donnic, for sure. As for Daisy…well I hardly think she would date anyone… Anders…
- Oh! You think he will ask Hawke?
-What?!- Fenris woke up from his shallow sleep. And Varric started to laugh.
- Well, you know- Isabella started to say- he's always had something for her, so I'm pretty sure he asked her to…
- Rivaini… -Varric saw Fenris' face, noticed it was getting greener.
- Excuse me, I need a bathroom.- the elf stood up very fast and ran to the nearest bathroom.
- Oh, you are SO mean Rivaini!
- I know right? I just like to bother him any chance I got. Is so obvious he cares for Hawke, if nothing else, have you seen the "puppy eyes" he has whenever she's around?
- I know, I know- still laughing- but, can't you see he's a mess right now?... by the way, Anders asked Hawke to go with him?
- Yes he did, and guess what?...she said no. I don't really know the whole story, but is you ask me, I think she's waiting for that lanky elf to ask her.
- That's bad, he just learned about the flower thing today, so…
- That's going to be a fun thing to watch… any ways, I have to go now, I still need to get some shoes for today.
When Fenris came back he had recovered his natural color and apparently he was feeling better. Still, he had that face of hating the world no matter what.
-Feeling better?
- I…do, thanks.
- Isabella had to go get some shoes so… we can resume out talk.
- Yeah, I'm not sure. Apparently, Hawke's going with Anders so, there is nothing to talk about. That's it.
-Nah, she is not going with him, that's what I've heard, that's what people say, and believe me, I listen lots of things around here. And before you can argue with that, I should tell you, don't give up on that just now, I don't know what happened between you two, but you're still here, and somehow she keeps you close right? Besides, you think she would give you those reading lessons if she didn't care? I think you underestimate the affection between you, and I don't say that because we are friends, is what I see.
- I have to think about that.
-Make it quick, the ball is tomorrow.
- Is not a fairy tale, Varric…
- No, there are no fairies… just broody elfs.
- Pretty funny. I should go now.
- I hope to see you tomorrow.
- Don't count with that ok?
Fenris was walking around Lowtown, going nowhere but he ended up in Hightown, lost in his thoughts and with a big headache. People passed by without noticing him and the atmosphere was joyful, the tension between Templars and mages eased, at least for the day and then, Hawke appeared in front of his eyes. She wasn't wearing her armor, but a simple dress. She was buying a pair of earrings apparently, and didn't notice the elf looking at her.
The elf found himself just admiring her and the gestures her face showed. Maker, how he loved that thing she did with her hair; when she was thinking about something, she sided her head and moved it slowly to put the hair in front of her face aside. It was unconscious, but there were times he was sure Marian was flirting with him: when they talked and were alone it was more notorious, especially because she did it slower and more exaggerated. Fenris simply loved that thing she did. And there she was, doing it again while choosing jewelry.
Fenris realized he had to do something, and suddenly the idea of the flowers didn't seem so ridiculous. He rushed around town to find the prettiest flower bouquet for Hawke. He found them in a small but pretty store next to the chantry. It was almost hidden so it gave him the feeling that it was somehow exclusive.
-I'm taking this, please.
This, young man?... are they for asking someone to the dance?- the lady at the store had a kind voice. Something was relaxing about her.
-Yes – he was hesitant about the question.
- Oh, then you will need this card.- She took out a very pretty red card with some prints on it.
-And… what for?
- You don't know?... Maker's breath! Then how are you going to invite her? – the lady was surprised, but then she saw the confusion on the elf's eyes. – You have to put your name in the first line and with blue ink. Then, if she accepts she will write hers on the bottom of the card, with red ink.
- I see… by any chance do you have ink?
- Here you go. 3 sovereign-ok...thank you.
He left as soon as he wrote his name on the card, feeling proud about it; the lessons Hawke gave him were working after all, and for more than plenty of chances to be with her.
Hawke's state was silent. Apparently she hadn't arrived yet. There was just Orana, Bodahn and Sandal cleaning some mess the enchantment boy had made with some runes. The female elf gently as always, welcomed Fenris, and led him to the study.
-Lady Hawke will be here in a couple minutes I'm sure… can I get you something to drink? Or perhaps something to eat, sir?
- eh… no...thanks… I'd rather be alone… if that's not much to trouble.
- Alright sir.
She left and Fenris tension eased up. He wasn't so comfortable with the idea of giving orders to someone; he was once a slave, so he knew all the bad and hard things about serving someone. Orana was working for Hawke, so it was pretty much the best place to be in Kirkwall, but he felt reluctant about giving orders to her anyways.
After a while, he couldn't be at ease so he started to look around the room. It brought memories of his reading lessons, when he and Hawke sat on the desk in front of the statues on the second floor, and sometimes in the carpet by the fireplace; there was just something very exiting about it. He shook his head to clear that thought and looked at the books on the wall.
After a while he decided to go upstairs to see the statues, enjoying the fierce of the lion made of hard iron, but then something got his attention: a certain thing on the table, next to the wine bottle. It was a crystal vase with an elaborated and big flower arrangement.
He felt his stomach going upside down and his lyrium marks glowing lightly on his skin. He got closer to see the card, and there it was: the name of a noble man on blue and Marian Hawke's in red on the bottom of the paper. It was like his heart stopped for a while and his face burned in desperation, with his markings glowing so bright it hurt more than usual.
Quickly he went down, threw the flowers into the fireplace and ran away from Hawke's State, almost running over Sandal in the main hall. The next thing he knew was that he stood in the stairs of his borrowed mansion, with his sword stained in blood and his face dirty with sweat and red fluid that came from Maker knows where. Soon enough he remembered that some thugs tried to kill him on his way home; poor unlucky men.
At least he was less angry, but still felt pretty bad about the woman he loved dating someone else. Perhaps, not exactly dating, but the idea of her going out with someone else drove him crazy. Even knowing that he lost any right of being jealous at the very moment he left her, he didn't want anyone to be in Hawke's heart the way he wished he was. It was just unthinkable and somehow unbearable, but perhaps he ought to accept it and let her move on. It was a sad thought, and his face showed it with his wet eyes as he looked down and took a deep breath.
The next afternoon Varric was knocking on the elf's door, very elegant wearing his best clothes to attend the festivities and eager to catch the best occurrences of the night, plan that was not on Fenris thoughts at all. At best, he would spend the night throwing some bottlers of wine at the walls, so seeing Varric at his door surprised him.
-As I expected, you are not dressed for the party! What would you do without me?
-You are not pretending to make me go, are you?... dwarf?
- Of course not! I am pretty sure you are going willingly – he entered the mansion carrying a bag on his hand. – I see you haven't redecorated this since my last visit.
- Why would I?
-Ok… I won't mess with your decoration sense, but I will have to do something about your clothes. You can't go like that.
-I' not going, why bother on getting clothes.
-Well… I'm sure you could use some air, fun, drinks, and perhaps a little peak at Hawke's dress. I saw her clothes and I'm sure more than one man will be trying to get close to her so… maybe she would need a bodyguard.
- I'm not sure. Besides, she's already going with some noble of High Town.
-With more reason broody!
- I don't brood…and I don't know about this…
When Varrick entered the great hall of the Viscount's castle he thought he needed a drink; so many nobles in one place made it look like any Orlesian street and everybody was gossiping about other people's clothes. Fenris stepped into the room behind his friend, wearing a pair of black trousers with a royal blue shirt and a black log coat, perfectly fitting him. Many eyes followed him as he passed by, but it was not like he noticed because he was looking for Hawke, without success.
They had some food and fancy wine for a while, talked with some of the people attending and eventually meeting Isabella and her date. He was a nice man, not the usual type she usually hanged with. She and Varrick did most of the talking and suddenly it was like the air in the room got different and the time stopped for Fenris. He didn't know if either be mad about seeing a handsome and, most likely wealthy young man beside Marian Hawke, holding her arm proudly, or be happy and almost breathless when he saw her dress: a light purple long dress that left her shoulders show 'till the exact point of being sexy.
-She looks beautiful, isn't she? I suggested the color- Isabella was very proud of her choice.
- I will have to agree with you, Rivaini. Your taste in clothes was fitting for this evening.
-I know, sometimes I even surprise myself… so, Fenris, I thought you were going with Hawke.
- What?... Oh… I didn't know I would end up coming tonight and… - He just couldn't take it when she did that. Siding her head a little bit, smiling innocently and he standing there like a fool, not being able to stop her from doing that in front of that random guy, Maker knows with what intention. – Excuse me, I need some air.
He left the place after finishing his drink and went to Lowtown, not carrying about the thing Varric and Isabella would have said about his reaction. At least the party somewhere else would be more enjoyable.
The crowd seemed happier in Lowtown, with people dancing around, forgetting about the tensions around Kirkwall, just happy to be alive and celebrating. Fenris walked around for a while, enjoying the evening and then sat in a corner of the main plaza; the best spot to see everything from a distance. Eventually Isabella and Varrick appeared along side a very exited Merrill.
-I guess I shouldn't be surprised of seeing you serious…as always.
-What do you care, witch?
-Well… - she sat beside him- I thought you would at least enjoy yourself a little. For the time being at least. Is a beautiful night with good music, everybody is happy…or drunk…which makes people seem happy at least, not trying to kill each other.- He just looked at her, wondering how could she be so innocent and a blood mage at the same time.
- Music is nice, I suppose.
-See! Eh… well, I should leave now, I – she looked behind his shoulder – have something to do!- then she ran away, leaving Fenris a little confused.
- Can I sit here, sir? – Fenris looked up to find Marian looking at him with a big and beautiful smile.
-Su… sure.
- I was looking for you at the Vicount's place but when I saw you, you were leaving.
- I don't enjoy fancy gatherings at all.
- Me neither, but I had to assist. I mean the Champion, had to. Marian Hawke wasn't sure about it really.
And then she did it again, that little thing that drove Fenris mad. He just stayed there, defenseless, looking at her lips moving and her bright eyes as she was talking to him; it was like all the things she said were going away, and the wind stole the meaning of the words coming from her voice. He couldn't focus on what she was speaking, in fact he didn't even knew what she was saying. That thing she did with her hair and her tongue wetting her lips as she made pauses to continue her dialogue, were driving him crazy and he remained silent without being able of doing something about it. It wouldn't take long before he couldn't take it anymore; he couldn't stand how she was teasing him, consciously or unconsciously. He had made many tries to forget her, to pay no attention to his feelings, but he failed every time, and going somewhere far away from her would certainly kill him.
Did she noticed? It would be hard to say, but even if she did, there was a good chance she was teasing him for some kind of sick revenge; he was the one who left her anyways. She had all the right in the world, but still there was some hope inside Fenris that kept him close, a chance that maybe someday everything would change, that he would be able to leave his pride and fears apart and then he would be the one next to her in the parties and the only one inside her heart.
His thoughts were overwhelming him inside until Hawke said something that woke him up from his trance.
-Why didn't you give me the flowers? I mean… when I returned home Orlana told me you were there a couple minutes ago and then you left in a hurry, later when I went to the study I found the remains of a beautiful flower bouquet in the floor next to the fireplace, along with the traditional invitation to the ball. Care to explain me what happened there?
There was a moment when Fenris was as much as speechless as surprised while Hawke looked at him really curious. He thought the flowers were burned but evidently he was mistaken. The only choice left was to be completely honest.
-I… I was going to invite you. That is why I went to your house yesterday I… well... then I saw you were going with someone else, because of the flowers in your desk, so I decided to throw the bouquet away. I thought it was burned. I didn't mean to interfere with your plans, really.- His voice was sad.
- Oh well… I was kind of hopping to go with you but… -the elf was surprised of hearing that. – I know some things had been weird between us since… well you know.
- I wanted to…
- No, wait. Please Fenris, let me finish. I respect the fact that you don't want to talk about it. I cannot change what happened and I suppose we will have to cope with it.- She started to look sad, but kept talking. - But I don't want things to be weird between us. I promise I won't bring the subject up anymore, really. But don't be so cold with me and stop doing things like disappearing for days or… leaving flowers on my fireplace to burn.
There was a small pause and only the crowd around them could be heard. At first he was speechless. It had been the first direct thing he said after what happened between them.
-As you wish. – He said this pretty sad and somehow disappointed. Maybe she didn't want him back at all or willing to try it again, but at least she wanted to be close.
Suddenly she hugged him very thigh, which took him by surprise, but still held her with strength, finally understanding what she had just said.
As the sweet smell of Hawke's hair filled his lungs, he felt happy. It wasn't just him the one suffering, having a hard time accepting his feelings and making up for the mistakes done. She, very deep inside, in some place where he couldn't read her reactions, held some feelings for him, which made her worry about him and with any luck, attracted to him too. Eventually they would figure things out. That night was filled with joy, celebration and a warm embrace between two people too afraid of hurting themselves and each other, to say how they really felt, but distantly they perceived it, that's why, despite anything, they wouldn't stop being close
-I do care about you. – She said softly, not really knowing why that suddenly left her lips.
- I know, I know… me too.