A/N Please Read- Hello my loves! I know that I have not been writing very consistently, ok, fine, at all, and I apologize for that. I had a busy school year and a close death in the family. But I am back. I am still working on Saving the Brains and Finding a New Family but while rereading FaNF I thought of a nice spin off. At one point Remus is recounting a time Minerva talked him off the ledge and I thought "Wow, wouldn't that be a great fic?", so I wrote one. Hope you enjoy. Not sure yet if this will just be a one-shot or if I will continue. Thanks loves. Remember that you are loved and that you matter. Also I couldn't think of a good title, I know 'Remus' is kind of lame and I'm sorry.
He was at the end of his rope. What good was it to stick around anyways, he was a burden to everyone who had to take care of him. He knew that each and every one of his care takers loathed him and wanted him gone. There was no point. Yes, maybe his friends would miss him a tad, and possibly a few of his professors but overall Hogwarts would get over his death and continue on, her load lightened by the absence of one particularly high maintenance student.
/
For several years now Remus had been thinking about killing himself and had been planning his suicide for months. He would jump off the astronomy tower, a sure way to rid himself from the world. He had contemplated the other options, but he was too squeamish to slit his wrists and not bold enough to steal poison from the potions supply closet. Even his way of suicide was cowardly, just like his method of self harm. He used a muggle lighter, that he had purchased on a trip to London two summers prior, to burn marks on his skin.
/
Now that he had his death planned out, he had chosen the date and time and settled every logistical detail, he began to think about his suicide note. He felt that it was only fair to atleast give some explanation so that Hogwarts would have something to say to the press. He couldn't bear the thought that The Daily Prophet might possibly blame Hogwarts for his suicide, he in no way wanted Hogwarts or any of it's staff members to suffer any ill consequences of his actions. As he sat down at his school desk to begin preparing his note he thought about the potions essay that was scheduled to be due the day after he jumped, he thought about the charms test set for a week later. Out of his bag he drew out a piece of parchment that should have had the heading "The Effects of Gillyweed on Dreamless Sleep" but instead started out "To whom it may concern".
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To whom it may concern,
You are reading this letter because I have jumped from the Astronomy tower. Fallen like a pigeon with clipped wings crazy enough to try and fly. I couldn't keep living in a world that wasn't designed for me. Everyone assumes that you are straight and have no medical issues. This default of what many people believe a human should be creates issues for those who don't fall into those neat little boxes. I guess that now is as good a time as any to come out, I'm gay. Surprise! Yes, I understand that this new may come as a shock to many of you but I am gay. The society that we, well you now, live in has created such a hostile environment for anyone who isn't in their mold and so people live in silence and fear. I have spent years grappling with this particular issue and with the question of whether I would rather be gay and alive or gay and dead. The latter seemed more appealing to me, apparently. And then there was the whole being a werewolf thing. First, thank you to all who made my life a little bit more comfortable during my times. I am so sorry for having burdened you with my care for so many year. None of you did anything wrong to deserve taking care of me. I'm sorry if my actions hurt any of you. You have all helped me so much and please don't blame yourselves because I made a choice to end my life. Please know that this is not your fault. You can't blame yourself for something I that did. This was my decision.
Much love to all,
Remus
/
By the end of the letter Remus had tears flowing down his cheeks. He knew that he would be hurting many people but he felt that it would eventually pass and everyone would be better off without him. Carefully he rolled up the parchment and tucked it away safely in his cloak. This time tomorrow evening he would be making his way to the astronomy tower to end it all.
/
Remus slept surprisingly well that night and even got up early to shower and prepare for breakfast instead of his usual roll out of bed and walk downstairs routine.
"Mornin', Remus! You're up early this morning," greeted James.
"Remus beat me! Are you joking?" groaned Sirius from his bed. James gave an enthusiastic nod. Remus joined into their banter rather awkwardly, but in it none the less. The trio and Peter walked down to breakfast together and sat in their usual spot and the end of the Gryffindor table. Remus took large portions of everything, something rather uncharacteristic of him, but his friends just shrugged it off, happy to have the old Remus back. None of them noticed how nervous he seemed, or how spacey he was.
/
Classes went well that day and Remus survived until the last class of the day, transfiguration. Remus was exhausted by the time that the last class rolled around and he could feel his anxiety building as he got closer to his death. The observant Minerva McGonagall most definitely picked up on this. She watched him closely through the class and noted that his hands shook with every movement of the want and that he just seemed so out of it but much happier than he had been in months. Aware of his history, this sudden change in mood set off alarm bells in the old witch's head. She had a sinking feeling that Remus would try to kill himself. As she walked by his desk, she discreetly placed a ward on him to alert her if he attempted to harm himself. She also decided to hold a stakeout at the top of the Astronomy Tower to keep him from jumping. These precautions would prevent any method that she could think of.
/
Minerva skipped dinner to head straight to the tower. There she waited for several hours until she heard hurried footsteps echoing in the corridor. Finally, around the corner came Remus Lupin.
"Remus," Minerva said quietly as not to scare the child who quickly turned to face her. His expression broke her heart. In it was so much self loathing, so much hopelessness and discontent. All Minerva wanted was to hold him and fix his heart.
"Professor!" Remus exclaimed, startled by her unexpected presence.
"Let's continue this meeting in my office," prompted Minerva while placing a guiding hand on Remus' shoulder and leading him to her office. He was sure that he was going to get scolded for being out out bed past curfew.
/
When they arrived at Minerva's office Remus was expecting a stern scolding and lecture on my student should not be out of bed after curfew, instead he was offered a ginger newt and some tea. Before long he was crying and explaining everything to Minerva. He even gave his note to her to read. She didn't even miss a beat or raise her eyebrows at his coming out.
"I had my suspicions," she said coyly after putting down the letter.
"About what?" Remus prodded.
"Oh nothing..." she replied.
/
Minerva spent hours with Remus, until nearly five in the morning when he fell asleep on her couch. She brought a blanket out for him and let him sleep. She decided that she would consult with Dumbledore about the best course of action. As she quietly slipped out of her office, she could faintly hear Remus' calm breath and was glad to have him safe and sound.