A/N Hello everyone, this story is very personal to me it is based on real events in my life. The notes really happened to me and I am still with the love of my life that broke my heart at 17. Bella and Edward will be OOC. There will be mild lemons and language. I will post here until I am told to take my stuff down.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any rights to the songs that are mentioned. Much to my disappointment.

Chapter 1

BPOV

May, 30

Bella,

I have been thinking about this for a while now. I don't love you anymore. I can't be with you. I know this is lame breaking up with you in a letter but I don't think I can say the words to your face. We want different things right now and I have to have to opportunity to explore what I want. I'm sorry it's over.

Edward

It was the last day of school my Junior year and my boyfriend, Edward gave me this note before he jumped in the car with his best friend Jasper. He was gone before I could even argue, before I could ask him to say he didn't love me to my face. Did he want someone else? The thought made me physically ill. I knew something was off for the past week he had been distant and not calling and texting as often. He started making excuses not to spend time with me alone. The dreams were the worst. I guess I should have known because I dreamt about him leaving me at least 3 times before he give me this note. I can't believe it, he told me over and over again how much he loved me. If that is true, this means the past year had been in vain and I was a fool to believe him. To believe in myself and my own instincts. My heart, My soul, My virginity, and My love, gone. I have now idea how to fall out of love with him. I can only pray it gets better as the days pass. Empty is all I have left now.

Heartbreak is a funny thing, its like living life on autopilot. I got up. I went to work. Rinse, lather and repeat. After awhile the numbness set it and it was a relief. The odd thing is the physical ache of heartbreak. I could feel my heart literally hurt in my chest. My arms hurt, longing to hold him. I often hold on to my mid section to try to ease the ache. I crave his kiss. I miss his scent. I think most of all I miss his friendship. I thought about going to his house and talk to him, but I couldn't find the courage. It would crush me if I heard him say he didn't want me out loud. So I left him alone and he left me alone. I love him and I will always love him.

I think the tears are the worst part. I hate to cry anyway and I find myself crying over the strangest things now. Of course at first it was all I did. I got in my truck the other day to go to work and suddenly the waterworks started. I remembered how he would whine and moan when I insisted we take my truck to La Push last summer. Our shared love of music killed my heart too. I almost stopped listening to it all together. The oddest songs would trigger traitor tears to roll down my face.

It's like my heart would never heal, like I will always feel empty and the hole will always be there. I take things day to day now. I stopped taking my birth control pills because I was only taking them for him, and its not like I need them for medical reasons or something. I know I would be tempted to fuck him out of my system with some unsuspecting member of the opposite sex. I also know I won't have sex without the pills, besides heart can't handle it anyway. I won't put my self out there like that right now. I still had to remove the temptation.

I can't.

Instead I will settle for the constant ache between my thighs, what's one more ache anyway. I try my best to ignore it. I want to keep sex sacred, to respect myself, and not just hook up. My pride, it seems it is all I have left. So I go back to plain old Bella, just a girl who likes books and the one who will find someone else to love someday. I know I have to pick my sorry ass off the ground and hold my head up, to feel the sun on my face.

It is two months later and I am pissed off today. The numbness has been replaced by anger and resentment. But the worst is the regret. I feel it all today. I guess it is nice to feel something, but I didn't expect this. I found some of the old letters he wrote to me while he was in class last year, we seemed to never have the same schedule, so we would write letters back and forth. I have read them over and over, trying to find some hint of unhappiness on his part. Some hint of something that would tell me what I had done wrong. Why I was not good enough for him. Yes, he is gorgeous. Me, I guess I'm pretty plain. It's not like I am ugly or anything. I fold up the letters trying my best not to rip them to shreds. I guess I want proof one day that I had found the one for me. That I was capable of loving someone with everything that I am. I put them back in the box under my bed, because I know I will destroy them if I don't. So now I am just mad. Mad at the promises he made me, mad at the future he stole for me. Mad at myself for foolishly believing I had found the one at 16. Who does that anyway? Mad because I can't make my heart let go of him. Mad at the nightmares, mad at everything. The tears are rolling now and I have to escape. I get in my truck and drive to first beach. The water has been my companion though this.

I will find the strength. I have to because school will start soon and I will have to face him. I have to try to make the pain subside somehow. I have to prove to him that I can live without him. Most of all prove it to myself. Today I am so mad at him. I feel oddly empowered by my anger like I know I will be ok. I have to let him go. Let go of the fantasy of us, and our white picket fenced happily ever after, cause that shit don't happen in real life; even if you have found the one. How could I have been so wrong about that? Or so easy to let go? Like we were never in love. I know we were. I know it with everything I am. That's why this hurts so bad. Traitor tears fall down my face. I am so fucking sick of crying. I wipe my tears with resolve. I'm DONE crying.

Fuck him.

"I thought I would find you here."

I didn't even hear her walk up. Alice Brandon my best friend and savior.

"Hi Alice"

I didn't look at her as she sat down beside me on the sand.

"How are you today?"

She held me for hours while I cried, many days following the note.

"I'm pissed off, and I'm tired of crying."

"WOW, I didn't expect that." she half giggled.

"It feels good to feel something, it actually makes me feel better."

She smirked at me.

"I think that is the final stage of the grieving process." Her parents are psychologists.

"Grieving process? Alice what are you talking about, no one died." I looked at her with confusion.

"Yeah, just because no one physically died does not mean we don't grieve when things end."

"What the fuck kinda psycho babble bullshit is that, Alice?"

"Think about it Bella, you suffered a loss even though it is not physical does not mean you don't grieve your emotional loss, a loss is a loss."

Alice has always been wise beyond her years.

'I guess that makes sense because, I feel the loss physically and emotionally, damn that's some deep shit Alice. I never thought about it that way."

I wanted to change the subject, I'm done with this shit. I'm just done. I want my life back. So I can make something of it. My future is mine now.

"So Alice how's Jasper?"

"Beautiful, sexy, and I'm still not on his radar." she sighs.

Alice has wanted Jasper for a long time, I thought they would get together when Edward and I did. Please don't say his name we can't take it. My heart sighed.

"Have you spoken to Edward?" I cringed at his name.

"No, of course not, you know I haven't seen him in two months. A clean break, I'm thankful for that more and more these days. I am worried about school." I paused.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know, avoid him as much as possible, he has to know I can live my life without him, that he didn't break me. I can't give him the satisfaction. He broke up with me in a note so he could do god knows what with god knows who. Even if I have to completely fake it, I will."

I looked at Alice her face was priceless.

"Are you sure you can do that Bella, I mean he's your one?"

"Whether he is my one or not he doesn't want me. I can't make him love, if he doesn't." I refuted.

"Besides, Alice, I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I won't live like my mother. I won't give everything to someone and get nothing in return."

Phil my step-dad is an alcoholic and he is mentally abusive to my mother, that's why I live in Forks with my dad and have been for the past four years. She stays with him even though he is a dreadful drunk, thank god for Charlie.

"So are we going to Mike's annual back to school party in two weeks?" I asked Alice.

"Bella, are you ok because I could have sworn you asked if we were going to Mike's party?" She giggled.

"Yeah, I think it will be good for me. I feel like all I have done is work and grieve this summer. I need an out." She was still looking at me funny.

"Alice, I need your help, I want to change my look. I think he needs to know what he walked out on, and I wanna show him." She gave me an evil smile and squealed. She was practically floating.

"Alice,….. ALICE besides I need it for me. It will help me feel better." She smiled and put her arm around me.

"Let's get started"

A/N What did you think? Let me know