Author's Note: DAMMIT I DO NOT LIKE THIS PAIRING. e.e I don't, I really don't, I'm not in denial, not at all, DIE EVERYONE DIE! Stabs humanity Damn my girlfriend for having a Greed button, damn Greed and damn the fiction and fanart for this pairing that's out there. I DO NOT LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SHARK TEETH! AND I DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT THEM OR READING THEM!! DIE VIOLENTLY!!
.../Sigh/ Based off of the anime, language, slight (at least I hope slight) OOC on Greed's part and major OOC on Envy's part (Drunk!Envy? Meet OOC), and end-of-series references. Greed/Envy implied, characterization stolen directly from role-plays between my girlfriend and I. And YES I refuse to write/draw sex scenes. Because I have no faith in my skill. And yes, this was done instead of homework. Oops? Please, read and review, and for you freaks out there, enjoy. :/
Warning: Read the Author's Note pt.2 you lazy bastards.
Disclaimer: I think if the rights of any major anime/game/series/etc. had changed hands, you'd know about it. And you'd know people don't pay to read fanfiction. Idiots.
One would think that not being human would mean that things affected Homunculi differently. That they wouldn't be vulnerable to illness, hunger, thirst, exhaustion; silly petty human things like that. And they weren't - Homunculi had no need for sleep, food (other than red stone), water, or anything like that!
So why exactly was Envy's vision blurring and his words noticeably slurring after a few drinks?
Here he was, at the damn pub Greed used for his base of operations, "The Devil's Nest" or something lame like that, in Dublith, sitting at a bar holding a shot of vodka. Aforementioned stupid bastard was sitting next to him, merrily chatting it up with some stupid human woman, pouring yet another brandy shot down his stupid throat. Envy was only on his fifth shot, while Greed was well into the double-digit range.
Damn bastard had gotten him riled up, talking about how much of a lightweight Envy was and how childish he acted and how weak he looked...Envy almost took another shot just to spite the thought, and he would have if a certain blurred Homunculi hadn't put three hands on his wrist. Wait, how many hands did Greed have? And how many Greeds were there supposed to be...there were three too many for his taste.
"Tell me you aren't drunk already Baby," One of the Greeds said, with that bullshit smirk on his stupid ugly big-nosed face. Another one chuckled and shook his head, and Envy went to swing at him for the pet name, but instead met a old enemy known as gravity. Tensing as he prepared to kiss the disgusting floor, it took him a few moments to realize that his body wasn't moving even if his mind was still falling down. He spun his head to glare at whichever Greed had caught him, but immediately decided spinning wasn't a good thing at all.
"Shut the hell up you loud-mouthed snaggletoothed sonvabitch...I hate you...Big nose." Envy gave Greed his darkest glare once the bar stopped spinning and chose to ignore the fact that he was the one still in the arms of the loud-mouthed big nosed asshole he hated so much. Apparently his darkest glare was now something to be laughed at, making Envy narrow his eyes further, as Greed laughed and flashed a grin to the human woman he was talking to before.
"You'll have to excuse my friend here; he really can't hold his liquor, can you Gorgeous?" Greed smirked down at Envy, who had the most adorable pout on his face instead of the fierce glare he thought he had. "It's okay though, we'll get him home so the poor baby can sleep away that horribly strong vodka he had..." He dodged a slightly-better aimed punch at his face and sighed, standing up with Envy, who was now confused. "Greed, what the fu-" "Upsie-daisy sweetheart!" With that, Greed flung him - Envy. The oldest and strongest Homunculi of them all! - over his stupid shoulder and carried him off.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU SHARK BASTARD! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! ASSHOLE!! SHITFACED SONVABITCH!! ZOMBIE-FUCKER!!" Envy pounded on his back and flailed, kicking his legs and bringing his knees up to dig into Greed's collarbone. "PUT ME THE FUCK DO- AH!!" His protest was cut off as he was thrown unceremoniously into the back of Greed's car. 'Hold up a fucking minute...' "Since when did you have a fucking car Shark Bastard?"
"Since I wanted one Sweetie. You better not throw up in the back though, I won't just kill you for that y'know; I'll give that new Wrath sugar and lock you in a room with him for a day. Then tell Gluttony he can eat you." He put on his stupid glasses - 'Thinks he's so cool-looking and everything; he just looks like an idiot...' - and started driving at an insane speed, not that Envy cared, if they got into a wreck he could heal and walk away and Greed wouldn't have a car anymore, but his stomach had some dissent about the ride.
"If you don't want me to paint your interior a new color, slow the fuck down...!" Envy lurched forward as Greed hit the brakes and threw the car into park. He turned around, looking at an ironically green-looking Envy over the top of his glasses. "Can you walk or do I have to carry your heavy ass inside you brat."
Envy threw him a glare and held his stomach delicately, stupid bastard and his stupid liquor and his stupid eyes - "You've got really weird eyes. And a big nose. Those glasses make your nose look bigger. But they make your eyes look cooler. And weird." Greed blinked at him. And laughed. "Damn Envy you really are drunk aren't you? Ah well, you're gonna have to walk, 'cause I think the keys are somewhere inside this thing and I gotta find 'em befor-" "We're at your place?!" Greed looked back at a wide-eyed Envy, who looked like he was torn between evaporating from the world and tearing Greed's head off. He nodded and Envy went at him with his shifted arm, now in the form of a formidable looking blade.
"I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR WHORES YOU LIQUOR UP AND TAKE BACK TO YOUR PLACE TO DO-DO-DO WHATEVER WITH!!!! YOU STUPID UGLY BASTARD DIE!!!" He stabbed and sliced and scraped and slit and cut as much of Greed as he could, not caring that he really wasn't because of the bastard's carbon shield, before Greed caught his arm in a vice-like grip and twisted it to the near-breaking point. He let out a whimper before he could stop himself, he hated pain and the stupid vodka wasn't helping him hide anything. He looked up to Greed's glare and returned it with one of his own, mentally begging for him to let go already. He hissed as Greed pulled him forward, pressing the front seat into his chest uncomfortably.
"If I wanted to fuck you Princess I would have done it at the pub or pulled over and had my fun. Here I am, trying to be a genuinely nice guy, offering my place for you to crash and sleep off so your mommy doesn't see you all drunk and pathetic. Now you're gonna behave yourself or I will put some manners into you; I'd rather we both have a good time, hm?" Greed was serious too, he had the upper hand at this moment in time because Envy still couldn't see straight and his judgment was still really fuzzy because right now he was considering actually begging for Greed to let go, and that was ridiculous.
"Okay, okay, I'll behave and won't kill you...Promise." Envy glared and Greed smiled and went back to digging for his keys. Envy got out of the car a little unsteadily, but managed to walk to the door of the house just fine. He looked at it; it wasn't a huge house but it wasn't a shack either. It looked fairly nicely-kept from the outside and Envy made a face as he thought about how the inside must look. Greed had always been a pig, leaving his shit everywhere he wanted to, and Envy's demand for space and order conflicted with all the shit Greed kept bringing into Dante's place. Like those bottles of beer he'd purposely leave on the floor instead of in the trash, or on the table at least. One time he'd almost - He blinked. That was over two hundred years ago, why the hell was he thinking about that? He shook his head, trying to get rid of the thought, and had to lean against the door to steady himself.
He jumped back when he opened his eyes and saw Greed standing in front of him, dangling the keys in front of his face. "Found 'em. You feeling nostalgic or something sweetheart, looked like you were remembering something you liked." He received a glare in response and shrugged. "Whatever, let's get inside and find a place for you to crash." He opened the door and clicked on the light, dim due to many mornings he'd woken up and smashed the bulb for being too bright, and revealed just what Envy had feared. Clothes thrown everywhere, glasses on the table with different levels of beverage in them, ashtrays overflowing with butts and ash, papers and loose change everywhere; it was Hell to Envy's OCD tendencies. "Home sweet home; you can sleep on the couch if you don't mind the smell of smoke...it might be a little sticky too..." He laughed at Envy's expression of disgust and horror. "C'mon, follow me real quick, it's not a far walk."
Envy did follow him, taking in his surroundings slowly. The place did reek of smoke and booze and humans - was that a pair of girl's underwear over there?! - and it had about a year's worth of dust on top of certain things, like the broom. And the books. He caught glances of pictures and magazines, turning away from the distasteful ones, which was the majority. They went down a short hallway into the back room, blissfully dark and containing a single very large bed and a nightstand. He looked at Greed expectantly, and he received another shrug. "Sit down on the bed then, I'm gonna get your sorry ass some water; you're gonna need it."
"Thanks asshole." After getting the finger for a "you're welcome", Envy looked at the nightstand. It was covered in papers, surprisingly not all of them being porn. He sifted through a couple of them, not really feeling comfortable with touching anything of Greed's - not because of respect, but because of the risk of disease. He noticed a picture of some blonde kid that kinda looked like the chibi and held it in front of his face, looking at it curiously. The guy had longer hair, and had an mixture of annoyance and humor about getting his picture taken on his face. It looked like an older photo, something that Dante might have had in her ancient old home, but it was snatched out of his hand and replaced by a glass of water. He threw another glare at Greed before sipping at the water. "I was lookin' at that dumbass. You grab that from the old bitch's house before you left or something?" When he didn't get a response Envy laughed. "Aw, do you have a little crush on that kid or something Greedo? Did you fuck him behind Dante's back and she killed him or something?" He shut up when he got a look of surprise from Greed, who kept staring at him. "WHAT?"
"...You really are shitfaced right now aren't you sweetie." He got another glare. "Thank goodness for small favors, or at least a low alcohol tolerance right Baby?" That got him an emptied glass thrown at his head. He laughed and set the glass on the table, stripping off his vest and throwing it on the floor, while shutting the door with his foot.
Now it was Envy's turn to be surprised. "What the fuck are you doing?" Greed paused to look at him before setting his glasses down and taking off his boots. "I'm getting ready for bed, what does it look like I'm doing?" Envy gaped at him, before sputtering, "Y-You can't sleep here!! I'M sleeping here! 'Cause I don't want that disease-ridden leather touching my skin!! So I get the bed!!"
Greed laughed at him, "And what makes you think I haven't done what I do on the couch in here hm?" Before Envy could freak out properly, he added, "Because you're right, this is my room and I don't like people in here."
Envy smirked at him. "So am I your exception then Shark Bastard?"
Greed smirked back. "You aren't a person Baby."
Envy glared and climbed under the covers, scooting as far away from Greed as he could and stealing as many blankets as he could. He still couldn't see all that great, and despite the heat the alcohol made him feel, he wanted to make Greed just a little bit miserable, maybe deterring him from sleeping in the same bed as Envy. 'Course he wasn't expecting Greed to snatch the covers and drag them, with an Envy attached, over to himself. And he really wasn't expecting Greed to wrap his arms around his body and hold him. He stiffened and tried pulling away from him, only to have Greed tighten his grip. "Wh-What the HELL do you think you're doing Greed?! I'm not THAT drunk to EVER let you even THINK ABO-"
"Just shut up brat. You're in my bed, so I get home-field advantage, and I always get what I want. Right now, what I want is for you to be quiet and get some sleep, and just lay here." Feeling Envy tense under his arms even more, he sighed. "Listen, I'm not going to do anything to you for fuck sakes. I already told you if I wanted that I would have taken it earlier." That made him relax a little bit. "I just wanna have you here for a single night, even if I had to get you drunk to do it; just let me hold you."
Envy may not have been drunk enough to consider doing anything with Greed, but he knew he was wasted when he felt himself relax into the bastard's arms, and when he turned around to snuggle - snuggle - into the idiot's chest. His eyes started to get really heavy for some reason, and he was suddenly aware of his own breathing. There were two heartbeats, pumping blood into dead bodies, and he knew that at least for tonight it wasn't just an echo. But he was still pretty disoriented, his thoughts made no sense and he had worse control over his impulses than normal, and these weird thoughts just kept coming into his he-
"I sorta wanna carve something into your back with my nails right now."
Both Greed and Envy went wide-eyed and Envy wrenched his body free from Greed's embrace and ran as best he could out of the room, kicking the door down and hiding somewhere else in the house. Greed sat there for a moment before laughing loudly and shaking his head, hand against his forehead.
"Goddamn I knew he'd be fun to get a little messed-up...He'll kick my ass for the hang-over though. Ah well, small price to pay for getting that close to him...G'night wherever you are Gorgeous...sleep well."
Said Gorgeous passed out in the cleanest space he could find; the hallway closet, and had beautiful dreams of the kid from the picture helping him skin Greed alive.