A/N A new oneshot err'one :D Yeah, I know I didn't update last week D: I lost motivation - fail - Anywhooo.. I procrastinated on Friend Request I don't even have CH6 written - UBER SOWWIE - I wrote this particular oneshot about a week ago but just had the energy to type it up now.. It's very loosely based off of Spice. Yeah, yeah, I know. Another Spice related story with Len as the player blah blah blah. BUT this is in Rin's POV ( I didn't follow the plot from the video ) The mood is sorta angsty.. Kinda~ Enjoy please ^^
What if I didn't moved?
I was the "new girl" at school that had just moved here. I was innocent as one would say; pure. My overall confidence and personal self esteem didn't sky rocket off the charts like others I only knew, not who I was acquainted with. I would never in a million years be the outgoing girl that could make friends easily. Even though I tried, my words of attempted friendship remained unnoticed.
People already judged and labeled me on the first day of school. A nobody, pathetic, push over. I know it should affect me deeply to be called these names, but I wasn't. Cause I agreed with these people and didn't deserve the very least to be recognized.
Everyday remained the exact same. The most important thing on my list was to just simply live and act strong when on the inside, I'm just "the train that could." One look, just one little glance at me, and people would retreat like I was some infectious disease. It didn't faze me one bit though. Who would want to interact with me?
What if I didn't meet him?
Everything changed when I met him. Len, yes that's his name. He was the first person in this school, other than faculty, to ever approach me. How sad. I was absolutely ecstatic that someone would try to build a conversation with me, let alone from the opposing gender. Len had greeted me out of the blue, yes it did seem suspicious, but I decided to live in the moment. He had a very indeed handsome face, a charming and mystifying voice, and an unbelievably tall height. Well compared to me, a wall of lockers can tower over.
The greeting was sweet, nothing like anyone had ever addressed me as. But it had this doubt of slyness to it, like it was forced. A fake sincerity in his gentle words. Something about his look proved it. His voice was soft and caring, but not his eyes. They were a very beautiful color, but hidden among them was a whole different person. The image on the outside betrayed the feelings his eyes portrayed. They were hungry, full of a driven lust that contained a small tint of impatience. But that was masked with a scripted smile.
Then it clicked. I have heard of this guy. His name was flaunted off every girls' lips in this school. From what I heard, he was a player. Len was someone who would befriend you and then break your heart senseless. He was cold blooded when he did it too. There was no "in person" break up, but a single text that made a girl's world come crashing down. And he didn't feel remorse for them either. He captured hearts when he didn't have one himself. I didn't want to become a part of his collection. But for some reason, I just craved more of his presence. Len had put me under his enchanting spell with a few say of words and look into his eyes. I can't break his wicked curse on me.
What if I didn't love him?
I had let him make me a toy. I was part of his collection that I despised greatly. I couldn't just turn my back at him. He was my first. My first friend, kiss, everything. Yes, I do mean everything. And I can't help but feel a pang of regret when I think of that night.
I already knew what was in store for me. I knew he had other girlfriends, I knew he always sneaked out in the night, I knew. I wasn't fully oblivious to his acts. I wouldn't hear from him in days, weeks even. Then he would finally show up at my door, obviously expecting something from me. I let him use me. Like I was some battered doll from a thrift store. Useless, but useful for something.
I had let him. Let him take me under his spell. I was an easy catch. I never bothered him, harassed him with unnecessary questions, nothing. I acted like I never knew him at school. I had avoided him at all costs, to save my heartbreak. But when it was "my" time to be used, I knew him like he was the back of my hand. I know I shouldn't be treated this way. And I know I shouldn't love him. I know it makes me sound so naïve… I know. But I can't stop this unworthy attraction.
It is so worthless to put forth so much effort in this so called relationship when it's not returned. Do you know how hard it is? To love someone so damn much, but not have those feelings of the counterpart granted? It's like the story of a stray dog. They loved and depended on their owner. Stayed loyal to them every minute of their lives, but only to be abandoned the next day. Stuck and forced to survive off of nothing. Betrayed. Unloved.
There's also this poisonous vibe that I receive from Len. He leaves you wanting more, more of his spice that it's absolutely ridiculous. He makes you feel so special, like you're his number one, yet you know the dark truth. I know he can't be just mine. I'm going to have to share him with the others that have fallen into the same trap as me. And I blame myself for this. For letting him take advantage of me.
What if I didn't exist?
I remember the day so well. When he finally ended the relationship. I knew it was coming sooner or later, I just never expected it to be so heart numbing. I was quite surprised when he confronted me in person, not a stupid little text. He told me it was over, so casually, like what we had was nothing. And it was. I felt like I was shattering. But you expected that didn't you? A weak being like me breaking under such pressure.
I asked him if he actually loved me like the way I did for him. I already knew the answer. It was clear, but I wanted to be able to hear it verbally. Len smirked so cruelly like he had just won the game, then he said, "You thought I actually loved you? You're so pathetic." He turned on his heels without another word and left.
He did win the game though. He was the player, the mastermind that knew which play to choose. I was one of his game pieces, the one that was controlled. And I had brought him to victory,
What if I took one more step?
I looked over the side of the bridge, debating if this is a good idea or not. I closed my eyes, calming my unsettling nerves. This is right. Nothing is left for me anymore. Nothing…
I was the loner. I made my first friend. Someone who I thought was trustworthy. Something that I never got to experience in my short life. And when I did, it turned out for the worse. That 'friend' had earned my trust, my love, my heart. And he crushed it. Crushed it to pieces. So many pieces, it would be worthless to count it all. I let him. I deserved this. This is what I get.
I opened my eyes slightly, gently smiling. I've forgiven him. Them. Everyone who treated me wrong. It won't be right to blame them. I took one more step, the small smile still adorning my face.
What if I said goodbye?