The one with a School, The Six, the Pearl, the Peach, and Two Troublemakers Who Get Beaten Up. (And Monty Python Quotes!)

Once upon a time there was a school. This school was unusual because it was like no other- it was a karate school/magic school. But there was no homework in this school of over 200 kids. One of the days when it was 'karate' (no magic day), one of a group of friends got into trouble. Bethany, one of the Six, as they were known as, got into some trouble. As usual, Beth, Brenda, Kyle, Jacob and Corey had to bail her out. Something was really quite weird about these friends- they were so different, it was hard to believe that they could get along. Bethany preferred to insult and run, Beth and Brenda liked to fight from a distance, and the guys all liked to simply duke it out.

As Bethany was running from her latest insultees, Cera and Anna- two brown belts, MUCH higher than her, (she was a green), she noticed that this time, she wouldn't be able to get away. The idiot that she was had run straight into a dead end. Beth and the others hear her frantic yells in time to keep her from being pulverized, but they doubted the wisdom of that when they learned of what she had done.

Flashback: Bethany hid in a tree some ten feet from Anna and Cera. Grinning, she chucked a rock at them, bouncing it off of the wall near them. A few minutes later she decided that it wasn't fun anymore, and decided to find someone else to bother. As she slid down the tree, she shouted a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail "Your mother was a HAMPSTER and your father SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!"

But it didn't work…against school rules; Anna had hit her with a jinx that made her jump up and down frantically. Out of necessity, she soon figured out how to move while leaping, and had successfully cornered herself in the corner of a building. : End

Flashback

When the Five of the Six had arrived, Anna and Cera realized that they had jinxed the wrong person. As soon as Beth, Brenda, Kyle, Jacob, Corey and Bethany had finished thrashing them, they weren't doing anything for a while.

Unfortunately, they had a 'friend'. Draco Malfoy hauled them into the infirmary, but only to turn them in to a teacher. Soon, a bruised and beaten Anna and Cera were cleaning out bedpans in the infirmary--- no magic allowed. The Six heard of this, and, classic to most who disliked the people who had gotten in trouble, they went to gloat. They got in a good fifteen minutes of gloating before Madame Pomphrey chased them out.

Three days later, the Feared Two Who Were Beaten Up were found floating upon the Giant Peach. (James and the Giant Peach) Suddenly, Jack Sparrow and the Black Pearl appeared next to the Peach.

"Well, that be some weird sight," he said to his first mate, Draco Malfoy.

"I love you, yes I do, and yes I admit it! I am gay!" Draco confessed and purred and jumped on Jack, who had offered a piggyback ride. Without warning, they jumped onto the Giant Peach...and it…EXPLODED! Then they swam into an electric fence and died. Dumbledore, Harry and Ron cheered, while Dumbledore's alter ego who shared the same body and used his first name stripped, holding sickles and a dungbomb, declaring it to be NAKED TIME! Good for everyone, Albus was soon under control and Dumbledore was back to normal, and apparently Albus had been joking. However, it soon was common knowledge that he had been wearing pink and orange flashing spandex underwear.

THE END

The one Where Everything Springs from the Ground- Captain, Teacher, and the one and only…Slytherin Sex God

Also Known as an Explanation Of Draco Malfoy

Once upon a Time there was a TREE. From the fruits of this tree sprang all life. The McDonald's places, room keys, Legos, Green Day (the band), Simple Plan, and DEAD FISH THAT LAID ON THE FLOORS. Then, the time suddenly changed to 1843!

Capn. Jack Sparrow leapt out from the ground, fully clothed in full pirate garb.

"Arg! I be the fearsome Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl!"

Nearby, there was a man, whose name was Albus Dumbledore.

"Well! Soon comes Harry Potter- someone I can manipulate! Ya!" Then he saw Jack. "Lemon Drop?"

"No thank you, strange sir."

"Ah well, soon comes the Boy-Who-Lived! Then I can destroy his life with my manipulation and my LEMON DROPS!"

Yes, even then, Dumbledore was a manipulating bastard. As Capn Jack soon found out.

Captain Jack snuck into the newly founded Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry under the name of Draco Malfoy, posing as the only son of a powerful Wizarding family. As he had expected, he was placed in the crooked-est house; Slytherin.

However, her knew that there were gonna be problems with his appearance. So he paid Snape, the Potions Master, to make him a potion to change his appearance and age for 20 years. He soon was blonde, pale, thin, and younger looking. After the first day at school, 'Draco' had already established himself as the leader of Slytherin. However, in Ravenclaw, Hermione Granger was in her rightful house, and she had a problem. Named Draco Malfoy, he year's sex god.

Sixth Year

Since all the prefects had to share a common room because of heightened security and attempts at unity, Hermione was screwed. Her and Draco had become worst enemies the moment they met. But recently, Hermione had gotten him in trouble for terrorizing some first years. But now, Jack (or Draco, whichever you prefer) was determined to find Hermione, despite the fact that they loathed each other- there was just something about her. (Opposites attract! )

Meanwhile, in Hufflepuff, Ronald Weasley was hopelessly trying to get Hermione to notice him…but he only succeeded in making a fool of himself. Especially in Potions. He was trying to show off, but instead he exploded his cauldron, soaking everyone in orange potion, making them swell in places (sound familiar?) When Snape was yelling, (or more, glaring) at him, he noticed a firecracker in the bottom of his cauldron. Snape turned and surveyed the class with Evil Look Number 2. (for a full list of Evil Looks, see end of story) Hermione looked like a perfect angel, but when Ron glanced at her, she grinned…was it devilishly?

Evil looks- Smirks and glares

Shut up, sit down, and get to work, before I add 'Skin of Student' to my inventory of ingredients.

If I find who did this, they will wish that they had never been born…

HARRY POTTER! IF YOU DO NOT STOP THAT, YOU WILL WISH THE DARK LORD HAD KILLED YOU WHEN HE TRIED!

You are not worth my notice.

Get out of my sight, before I curse you

If Avada Kedavra was not illegal…

Avada Kedavra may be illegal, but it's sounding pretty good now…

SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU UNCLE FUCKER AND GET TO WORK!

And you're surprised by your grade? I wonder why…

Get out of my way, Gryffindor SLIME!

(This is the current list of evil looks. If you wish to suggest a 'look', email me at )

The one with a Bomb? Jack Sparrow? Harry Potter? FOOBY? Titanic Ending?

What the HELL?

Jack rolled through the thick forest, drunk off his ass (½ ) and abruptly stopped. There, lying among the leaves…was it a BOMB? (½.1) Yes, he guessed he had too much rum after all. All of the sudden… "ZiggyBoogy Dude!" (½.2) was shouted and everything exploded.

Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy. Not only was he a wizard, but he also had sudden urges to eat watermelon. As though sensing his thoughts…FOOBY THE KAMAKAZI WATERMELON flew into him!

Harry ate Fooby, and took a walk on water. He wandered around for a while and decided to got to Tahiti and check out the watermelons there. Then he ended up in Georgia during a watermelon festival where they were playing Cotton-Eyed Joe, and he learned how to do the water-melon-crawl with the watermelon queen after drinking his weight in watermelon juice. Then he crapped in his pants and blew up, transforming into Barney. And angry and murderous mob swarmed him, but Draco Malfoy embraced him and cried out "Shut Your Fuckin Face Uncle Fuckers!" (½.3) Harry was back to normal and punched him in the face and gave him a watermelon slice. YAY! Then, Jack Sparrow came and introduced them to Fooby the Second. Harry was happy- Draco wasn't.

Fooby then turned into a Giant Peach. Then Draco was happy. He ate Fooby. Harry bitch-slapped him. Jack (still drunk) began to ramble about how he had single-handedly defeated drumroll

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

End drumroll mermen and didn't get a scratch. Draco raised an eyebrow and kicked him in the balls. Jack cried like a little girl as Ron comforted him and they both jumped off the Titanic together.

They sat for hours in the freezing water, holding each other. Jack wasn't in his left mind, and Draco (sob) was gay in that life. But they froze to death as they sank to the bottom of the ocean, holding each other 'till the end.

THE END! OF EVERYTHING!

or not

If you read this, you're probably wondering what my friends and me were on at the time. The sad thing is that we weren't on anything other than caffeine. It was like 3 am and we were on the last of our 12 pack, and we decided 'let's make a STORY! (or two…)'

You're probably also wondering about the fractions- my version of note-number thingies.

½ As usual

½.1 O.o….bombs!

½.2 O.O The Demented Stick figure Southpark- the Movie

Be happy, this is done, but if you liked it or needed the laughs, please review, and we'll write more stupid stuff, intended just to make you laugh!