This may fall into the 'illegal fic' category, but so much is illegal these days I wasn't sure! Please don't get mad, ff.net! And if its a little plotless now its building up to plotiness!
Summary: Silliness abounds, Muggle mixes with magic, slash is hinted at and I own nothing but the story itself. Harry Potter and everything else belongs to J K Rowling, fall down and worship the woman I say!
Hogwarts got email, ooh err
Part One: Harry's inbox
From: he_who_must_be_obeyed@hogwarts.com
To: Gryffindor113@hogwarts.com
Subject: correct usage of email
This system is a privelige, so kindly do not abuse it. Whilst it is possible to change your email address to whatever you wish, we would remind students that certain titles are not appropriate. We would like to think that you are all sensible enough to be able to distinguish between suitable and unsuitable (still, you never know).
The internet is also not to be abused, anyone caught going to the wrong sort of sites will be banned from the internet and will most likely receive Howlers from their parents, as we will of course be informing them. Not that we will be monitoring everything you are doing of course.
Enjoy your new freedom!
Albus Dumbledore
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From: Seeker@slytherin_rules.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: Re: arrangements
Whilst I appreciate your eagerness, did you read nothing in Dumbledore's email? If they're monitoring our emails they are likely to wonder:
a) why Harry Potter would be emailing me of all people.
b) what 'arrangements' you were talking about, I'm fairly sure they think we're going to kill each other any day now
c) just what we would do with handcuffs and whipped cream
d) if that is actually possible (I'm kind of curious too)
e) just what we've been doing for the past two years
Just to give you a few tips in subtelty, Harry.
Draco
P.S. ha ha at the address, by the way.
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From: hermione@gryffindor.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: Ron
Harry, have you seen Ron? I suggested we study together, and he seemed oddly put out when he turned up in my dormitory and saw me surrounded by books. I was going to help him improve his Potions mark, but he seems to have thought it was something else. Do you know where he is? I need to talk to him.
Hermione
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From: hermione@gryffindor.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: Re: how thick are you girl?
I found your email both rude and offensive. I am not 'in more need of glasses than [you]' nor am I 'unable to see past the end of [my] nose'. And your thoughts on my apparent 'invitation' to Ron were highly uncalled for! I will not be speaking to you for a week!
Hermione
P.S. Do you really think he fancies me?
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From: I_hate_Snape@and_all_his_works.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: she hates me!
Hermione hates me, I just know it! I thought she was flirting and she wasn't! She doesn't think of me as anything more than a friend, Harry, what am I going to do? I've liked her since 4th year when she went out with that waddling charade of a Quidditch player Krum and she's never noticed. I've just got to face up to the fact that she doesn't like me in that way and move on.
Either that or throw myself in the lake.
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From: hermione@gryffindor.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: Re: look what Ron just sent me
Thank you! thankyouthankyouthankyou!
*smooch*
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From: snape@hogwarts.com
To: better_than_Draco@thats_me.com
Subject: detention!
Technology is a wonder, isn't it? Potter, detention and five points from Gryffindor for using such an untrue and degrading email address.
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From: Seeker@slytherin_rules.com
To: Snape_must_die@the_earliest_possible_time.com
Subject: Re: sadistic housemaster
Harry love, you don't need to tell me! I've put up with the bloke for seven years and I know just what he can be like. At least he isn't your Housemaster is all I can say.
P.S. I couldn't find any whipped cream, will chocolate sauce do?
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From: mcgonagall@hogwarts.com
To: Snape_must_die@the_earliest_possible_time.com
Subject: re: die bitch!
Mr Potter
I wish to inform you that such emails, even if they are a joke, are not correct protocol nor are they permitted in the Hogwarts rules. I am sorry if you find my lessons boring and feel frustrated by the lack of 'grisly Transfiguration' you are permitted to do, but not everyone has your constitution or, I feel, mental problems. I am going to talk to Professor Dumbledore about this, as I feel the stress of fighting You Know Who may have finally got to you. We will most likely send you to the school counsellor, who will undoubtedly be happy to help you.
I would also like to call you to account for such a disgraceful email address. Professor Snape may be a Slytherin and a git but he is still a member of staff and is to be treated with respect! I will not punish you for this discrepancy in light of your obvious disorientated state, but will be forced to if I do not see a change in the address within 48 hours.
Professor McGonagall
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From: snape@hogwarts.com
To: Snape_must_die@the_earliest_possible_time.com
Subject: Re: Darth Snape
Potter, I cannot stress enough just how much trouble you are in. Not only do you use an offensive email address but you send me emails such as this (repeated in full just in case you deny all knowledge in front of the Headmaster):
All young students stand in fear as Darth Snape approachs, the only thing missing from his wonderful impression of Mr Red Light Sabre himself being the helmet and heavy breathing, though many students strongly suspect that the mere sight of Sirius Black is enough to make this last a great possibility (and not from anger, if you know what I mean). Still, leaving aside Darth Snape's sex life - because who would really like to think about Snape and sex in the same sentence? - many people feel that the time he is killed by Voldemort - who does bear a striking resemblance to the Emperor - has been a long time coming. What rejoicings there will be, first years (Ewoks) shall frolic, a wise old man shall smile and a weird little thing with big batty ears - Yoda is the Star Wars equivalent of a house Elf after all - shall also be pleased. Sadly, that day has not yet come, but we hope that Darth Snape's reign of Evil will soon come to an end.
I have three words for you Potter: my office tomorrow. Possibly tacking 'detention for the rest of your life' on to that.
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From: Seeker@slytherin_rules.com
To: Snape_must_die@the_earliest_possible_time.com
Subject: Re: I hate you
Harry, do you?
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From: george_weasley@yahoo.co.uk
To: Snape_must_die@the_earliest_possible_time.com
Subject: hello
Dear Harry
We're gone from Hogwarts but not from your heart! Fred and I decided to liven things up by hacking into your email account and sending some emails which really should have been sent a long time ago. We finally told Malfoy off for you, aren't you glad?
Hope you're keeping OK. Has Ron pulled Hermione yet?
George & Fred
P.S. Quidditch? Not an original password.
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From: george_weasley@yahoo.co.uk
To: thetwinsaredead@itsonlyjustice.com
Subject: Re: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
Yikes, chill, how were we supposed to know you and Draco were at it? We're not mind readers Harry! And, yeah, sorry but where did you learn such language? Sorry we got you into trouble with McGonagall and Snape, we didn't think you'd mind!
George & Fred
P.S. Thanks for telling us about Ron and Hermione though
P.P.S. Harry, Malfoy?
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From: Seeker@slytherin_rules.com
To: thetwinsaredead@itsonlyjustice.com
Subject: oh shit!
Harry, we need to leave the country. Now.
Why? Well, you know how we were a little over enthusiastic last night on account of it being make up and also declaration of true feelings sex? Well, we were a little too noisy and Snape saw! Snape knows! He spoke to me about it this morning, the worst thing is he looked like he'd been turned on by it.
Would you rather go to Japan or Hawaii?
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From: snape@hogwarts.com
To: nolongerhere@nowhere.com
Subject: Just what have you done to Mr Malfoy?
Potter, you're really pushing it, you know that? You send me rude emails - I have never felt anything other than hatred for Sirius Black! - and then you seduce my best student! How dare you! You are going to be in detention in the after life, Potter!
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From: Seeker@slytherin_rules.com
To: nolongerhere@nowhere.com
Subject: Re: re: oh shit!
Yeah, I thought you'd like Japan too, and we really should leave immediately because Pansy hacked into my account somehow and now she knows too. We should leave because I think she's going to kill you.
Love, Draco
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From: Dracosgirl@futuremalfoy.com
To: nolongerhere@nowhere.com
Subject: how dare you!
How dare you Potter, how dare you? Draco is mine, just because he's never admitted it doesn't mean it isn't true! He loves me, he just doesn't like to discuss his feelings! Stay away from him or else, Potter!
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From: Dracosgirl@futuremalfoy.com
To: laughingmyassoff@pansy.com
Subject: re: get a life
Draco didn't mean it when he said he loves you, he couldn't possibly love another boy let alone you Potter! Draco loves me!
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From: lucius_malfoy@azkaban.co.uk
To: laughingmyassoff@pansy.com
Subject: my son
Mr Potter
A report reached me of a most alarming nature, at least it would be alarming were it not written by an hysterical girl. Whilst I expect there is some truth in what Miss Parkinson says, I highly doubt that the Boy Who Lived would tie up and rape my son. I am actually of the opinion that my son would consent to the bondage (he takes after his father that way) and that he was never going to give me an heir anyway. You're welcome to him.
Lucius Malfoy
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From: lucius_malfoy@azkaban.co.uk
To: creepedout@hogwarts.com
Subject: re: too much information
Sorry if I have mentally scarred you for life. And I believe I appear to be 'less of an evil bastard' because of either the Dementors or the sedatives, or possibly a combination of both.
Lucius Malfoy
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From: ohdearlord@scareddraco.com
To: creepedout@hogwarts.com
Subject: re: your father is insane and/or disturbed
I know, Harry, I know. Add Snape to that list because he gave me a box containing, er, well, it may be interesting to try some of that stuff out. Although I didn't think you'd want to see the sketches he'd drawn of your godfather and Lupin so I returned that to him immediately.
The other stuff in the box is...interesting.
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From: snape@hogwarts.com
To: creepedout@hogwarts.com
Subject: re: you sick git
Potter, do you want more detentions? You've all ready got them into the after life!
And you don't need to put in good words with Sirius and Remus for me because...er...ask them!
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From: padfoot@hotmail.com
To: creepedout@hogwarts.com
Subject: re: you and Snape? SNAPE?
Harry, differences must be put aside in times of war. I saw Severus in a different light as I'm sure you did and one thing led to another and I'm sure you wouldn't like me to go into details here! Or ever.
But could I just close with one word: Draco.
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From: padfoot@hotmail.com
To: creepedout@hogwarts.com
Subject: re: at least Draco washes his hair!
Severus doesn't have to wash his hair, I do it for him!
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From: mcgonagall@hogwarts.com
To: padfoot@hotmail.com
Subject: Harry
Dear Sirius
I regret to inform you that Harry went into extreme shock yesterday because of something he received in an email. He is now in the Hospital Wing recovering. I am sure he would like to see you.
Minerva
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Yeah, I know the last one wasn't in Harry's inbox but it rounded it off nicely. Should I do more or was this one of those fics written in a fit of insanity which I'm really going to regret later. Please review.