Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and settings etc belong to Mrs JK Rowling.
Another year at Hogwarts: same old castle, same old lake, same old people. It's been a bit quiet round here since the break up for the holidays, so lets spice it up shall we?
We begin this fine story (AN: chortle) at the Dursley residence. After watching the usual round of football, finishing off a low fat beer, we find Vernon Dursley entering the kitchen. He begins to search for the ever elusive packet of crisps that seemed to have been avoiding him since he started the eat-everything-with-no-flavour diet.
VERNON (puffing at this slight exercise, which is a big deal when your low on sugar he muffled): Petunia? That boy has got to go!
Carrying a rather large basket of unwashed XXL boxer shorts and mud encrusted socks, Petunia Dursley stumbled in with her marvellous balancing act.
PETUNIA: Hmm? What's that dear?
VERNON (used over exaggerated hand gestures): That boy! He's stolen my crisps!
PETUNIA (eyes became the size of tea cups): CRISPS!
VERNON: Did I say crisps? I meant walnut whips….
PETUNIA: (Dropped the laundry.) WHAT!
ROUGE SOCK: (Made get away behind freezer.)
VERNON: Erm…..…
PETUNIA (shook an accusing finger at a certain shame faced husband): Vernon, for the last time I ….
Vernon: Exactly! That boy has got to go!
PETUNIA: (Slapped him.) Don't change the subject!
VERNON: (Dazed.) K?
Meanwhile, as this nonsense and obscene space filler has been added, Harry Potter sat cross legged on his bed, counting out his numerous ingredients for his potions class.
HARRY (counted on his fingers): Powdered horn, ginger root, wisp oil……
The room began to shake and Harry grabbed his bed post for support, as a whiney voice was heard.
DUDLEY: Mum! Where's my playstation?
Harry turned to the playstation on top of his wardrobe. A smug smirk befell him. He couldn't do magic out of school but that didn't stop him for teaching Dudley a lesson for stealing his last piece of chocolate cake! Scandalous I know!
PETUNIA (yelled from the kitchen): In the dishwasher. Where do you think?
DUDLY (mumbled): It might be. (Thundered back to his room to await the call for dinner.)
Lost in thought, Harry closed the lid of his Potions box and packed it away in his trunk, before turning back to his strenuous Transfiguration essay.
HARRY: (Tapped top of the essay with his pencil.)
'Why do Witches and Wizards prefer to transfigure animals and objects into items of practical use rather than going out and buying their own? Answer 3,000 words'
HARRY: Hmm….Why indeed?
This would have been easier to do if he hadn't just drunk a load of strong butter beer, which Fred and George had helped smuggle back for him to help him through the 'bad' times.
PETUNIA (voice from downstairs): Harry? Sausage and mash for tea! Jump to!
HARRY: (Stumbled to his feet. With a pain of pins and needles from sitting cross legged for so long and trying at least five attempts at opening one of the three doors that lay before him, Harry some how staggered down the stairs.)
AN: Dare I go on readers as to the state of the burnt dinner or shall I leave this up to you?
Following morning
Light hit Harry's face as he rolled over to his side. A harsh drilling on his skull rendered him useless that morning. Well that's what you get for drinking 11 mugs of butter beer! Trying to remember where his memory from the night before left off, a sudden screech rang in his ear.
Mistaking this for an alarm clock, he misguidedly knocked Hedwig to the floor. Needless to say that she was not pleased and went to sulk in the corner where she continued to screech out animal rights, not that Harry had any clue over what she was saying.
HARRY: Ow, Hedwig! Shut it! Enough, enough!
Hedwig: (Impatiently held her breath to make herself seem dignified.)
HARRY: (Rubbed his head and slowly put on his glasses. A couple of stretches later and he turned back to his white, now slightly blue, feathery friend.) Sorry. Here have some breakfast. (Deposited two owl treats in her cage.)
HEDWIG: (Gave him a look as if to say 'is that all I get? Hundreds of miles for two?')
HARRY: (Pained sigh as he doubled the dosage of treats.)
HEDWIG: (Stretched out leg in mutual agreement of payment.)
HARRY: (Removed and read the letter)
Dear Harry,
Just to let you know, for reasons that the author wants to hurry up and actually get to Hogwarts this year, school is starting today and we are coming to get you in ten minutes.
See ya!
Ron
A little confused at this sudden change in pace, Harry packed up his case and got ready to leave. After a quick wrestling match with Hedwig to get in her cage 'can't I just fly there?' Harry gathers his case and awaits the carriage of destiny!
10 minutes later
In such a frazzled state of mind, Harry had conveniently forgotten to tell the Dursley's that the Weasley's were coming, and Petunia was, shall I say, less than pleased at the sight of strange men (Mr Weasley, Fred, George and Ron) beginning to emerge from her newly painted fireplace.
VERNON: (Dramatically threw his paper at them.) For goodness sake! This isn't a zoo! (Face turned the vibrant shade of purple.)
MR WEASLEY (cheerfully): Hello there peeps! (Smiles trade mark smile and made an attempt to shake hands but was detoured by 'the eyes of death' from Vernon.)
FRED AND GEORGE: (Swiftly crossed the room and produced a colour chart to match the shade of Vernon's face, feeling it would be the perfect colour for their bedroom. Colour matched, they promptly left to find some Deluxe paint…….)
Bang! Crash! Bump! A dazed Harry appeared in the doorframe with his trunk.
RON: Harry! How are.. phew! What have you been drinking?
HARRY (staggered over): 'Lo Ron (Loosing his balance he and grabbed the nearby table at which Petunia screwed up her face at the smudgy finger prints and muttered 'just two more years…just two more years'.)
MR WEASLEY: Right, best be off! (Enchanted the trunk and sent it whizzing through the fireplace)
RON: After you Harry!
Harry: (Fell into the fireplace.)
TIME: Passes
HARRY: Oh, the Burrow.
A moment later he appeared with a clatter back at the Weasley's house where Molly Weasley gripped him in a tight embrace.
MRS WEASLEY: Harry dear. It's so good to see you!
Just before Harry was about to loose circulation from this bear hug, Harry and Mrs Weasley found out the hard way what the consequences were if you didn't move when someone else is coming through the fireplace, and the game of human dominos was born.
MR WEASLEY: Oops! Sorry dear.
RON: Get off me!
HARRY (thought): Note to self, move away from the fireplace.
Fred, George and Ginny just stand there watching the mayhem while crunching popcorn.
MR WEASLEY: I suppose it doesn't occur to you to help?
FRED (through a mouth full of popcorn): Nope. You're doing quite fine on your own.
MR WEASLEY (grumbled): Born in a barn. (Helped everyone up before turning to Harry.) Take this Harry (Deposited a bright yellow, had seen better days, woolly hat into Harry's hand.)
HARRY: Erm, thanks but its summer and it doesn't quite go with my outfit.
MR WEASLEY: No, no. It's a Port key. Come on kids! To the station you go!
Ginny, Fred, George, Harry and Ron grab hold of the hat and are hooked by the navel off to the station.
MR WEASLEY: (Sighed.) I shouldn't have given them one of my best hats.
Well you've come this far. Thanks for reading! More to follow! Please R&R