Rivendell was back to its old peaceful self. Aragorn no longer insisted upon being called Pants, Frodo was on the mend, and everything else was just fine and dandy. Or so they all thought. * * * * * The Fellowship of the Ring set out from Rivendell, ready to brave the dangers of the long, hard road to Mordor. Spirits were high, touchy- feeliness was running rampant, and songs, while rather more solemn than those of Middle-earth normally were, were often sung round the fire at night. But all was not right in this merry band of mostly attractive males. For let it be known that Saruman was actually correct when he had suggested that the pipe-weed habit was taking its toll on Gandalf, despite the fact that he had said it half-jokingly. Gandalf's wits were not as sharp as they once had been, although there were no outward signs of his impairment, except perhaps that he kept insisting on showing everyone his pointy hat trick. Then, one beautiful New Zeal-, erm, Middle-earth day, something went horribly wrong. The members of the Fellowship were sitting round the fire, having their customary bit of after supper-weed. Merry and Pippin, ever inseparable, were having an animated discussion with Merry's friend Mr. Carrot, who, you may be interested to learn, was not much of a talker. Legolas was instructing Boromir and Aragorn on the proper way to wash and brush their hair, for, as he put it, "Men's sanitary habits are atrocious!" Sam was watching while Frodo, who hadn't smoked much weed before, slept peacefully, his androgynously attractive features lit perfectly by the firelight. Gimli was raving on to a barely conscious Gandalf about the benefits of being about waist height to Men and Elves. Then Gandalf, being rather high and also an old perv in robes (A/N: just kidding, I wuv Gandalf!), decided he had an announcement to make. "My dear sirs and madams- nope, just sirs, although with those beardless ones you can never really tell. Anyway, I would just like to tell you all that from now on I wish to be known as Underwear." Chuckles would not normally have ensued, but the Fellowship was completely stoned. They giggled. ("Why Boromir, you have such a manly giggle," Legolas purred. "Why Pippin, you sound exactly like a little girl!" Merry squealed girlishly.) They all woke up with horrendous hangovers the next morning, but vaguely remembered that they were supposed to be walking in the general direction of Mordor and continued on their way. At some point they had to stop for food, as they couldn't possibly have been carrying much in their packs, so they made a quick run to their local Ingelves Food Mart to pick up some necessities. ("Legolas, Elf shampoo is *NOT* a necessity!") When Gandalf went to pay, the cashier asked him for some I.D., as he was going to be purchasing quite a large quantity of weed. "So, what's your name?" the cashier asked him. "I'm Underwear the Gray," he answered, having no idea where the name had come from. "Gee, I *REALLY* didn't need to know that. How long have you been on the road, anyway? And why in Eru's name didn't you just stop at a freakin' Laundromat?" asked the poor befuddled man, who thought Gandalf had said, "My underwear is gray." "Eh, so sorry, I meant that I am Gandalf the Gray; that just sort of slipped out there. Here, let me give you some I.D." The cashier eyed him suspiciously as Gandalf, now known as Underwear, handed him his Official Wizard Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown! Members card. With the shopping trip finished (after Legolas, pouting all the while, bought his own Elf shampoo), the Fellowship continued on its merry way. "So, Underwear," Gimli inquired, "Is it really gray?" "What the Morgoth are you talking about, young man?" (A/N: Well, I suppose just about anyone would seem young to Gandalf. I mean Underwear.) "Well, you just told the cashier back there that your underwear was gray." "That is *NOT* what I said! I said, 'I'm Underwear the Gray'!" "So that's what you're going to have us call you, then?" Boromir asked. "*NO!* Well, actually, it does kinda have a Ring to it. hmm, 'Underwear the Gray.' I like it!" Gand- UNDERWEAR cackled. A/N: And so ends chapter one of "The Tribulations of Underwear." Please r&r. The more reviews I get, the happier I will be, and the more quickly I will continue. ;)