Disclaimer: Dr. Tolkien owns LOTR, I, Catherine, own myself, and Tasha owns
herself.
This is just a parody. Please don't expect too much from it. There's a few laughs here and there.... Written in honor for the release of LOTR on DVD! There are many quotes from the movie and book in this fic, so each one is italicized.
WHO LOVES LOTR?
Catherine fingered her gold ring protectively as she muttered in Mordor tongue the rhyme of the One.
"Ash nazg durbataluk,
Ash nazg gimbatul,
Ash nazg thrakataluk,
Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,"
There was a long pause. Then Tasha piped up.
"Do you think it worked?"
Catherine stood up and kicked the glass sliding doors to SUNCOAST. The doors barely rattled. She began cursing wrathfully as she pulled her black hood over her head. She and Tasha had managed to scrounge up enough money to buy about thirty-two yards of black cloth to drape over themselves as Wraith costumes. Catherine loved Wraiths. Tasha preferred doing Gollum imitations, but she didn't know what to use to make the right suit, and besides, black hoods would be much more useful for this night operation: being the first ones to lay their hands on The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring DVD.
"Nope." sighed Catherine. She walked over to Tasha and extended her hand, "Hand me the crowbar."
"Cat! You won't be strong enough to pry open that door! And we don't have insurance!"
"Ssshhh!" snapped Catherine, forcefully slapping a hand over Tasha's mouth, "Keep your mouth shut!"
"Okay! Here you go!"
Tasha pulled out a long parcel wrapped with many cloths and ties from her bag. Catherine hastily unraveled the bundle and jammed the pronged end of the crowbar by the lock. She pried and thrust, but her ambition was not physically strong enough. Giving up on that idea, she unhooked the crowbar and pressed it against the flat surface of the lock. Then she shifted her weight back and forth on it.
"Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!" she sang. Nothing happened. She shook her head. "Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!" A slight breeze came and Tasha suddenly became interested in a dead leaf that was passing by.
"Shine! On the door! Please!" Catherine started screaming, jumping up and down as she shook a fist at the moon, "I need the inscription thingy!"
"Uh..." said Tasha tilting her head at the door. She spread her arms wide and spoke to the door. "Mellon!"
Of course, SUNCOAST did not really have an ancient spell cast over its transparent doors unlike the broad mountain west wall of Moria, so nothing happened. Catherine looked around.
"Is there any kind of...of river or stream thing around?" she asked quickly.
"The nearest stream runs right under us, and that's the sewer." replied Tasha pointing at the sewer cap.
"Ewww.... Nasty. Oh well."
Catherine trotted to the cap that was plated into the hardened tar of the parking lot. Tapping it with the crowbar, she chanted,
"Nin o Chithaeglir,
lasto beth daer;
Rimmo nen...uh... sewer,
Dan in ulaer!"
In her madness, she thought she heard the sewer waters lap higher, but not high enough. Refusing to give up, she turned to the faded silhouette of the distant mountains, now spreading her arms with the crowbar in one hand and shouted,
"Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse,
Nai yarvaxea rasseyla,
Taltuva notto-carinnar!"
But then she remembered that there was no snow in August, and the name of the mountains was not Cadharas. She was about to attempt another 'spell' on the locked doors again until a rubber arrow came flying from behind them. It bounced of the wall and almost hit her in the face. Catherine whipped around as she and Tasha unsheathed their cardboard Morgul blades, wrapped in tinfoil to make it shiny.
"Elvessss," hissed Catherine, pulling on her Nazgul act.
"Hooray! Elfies!" squeaked Tasha. Catherine bopped her on the head. "Ow."
"The Nazgul have arrived before us!" cried the attacker who was accompanied by his female friend. They wore cotton robes and wore a lot of jewelry. Catherine didn't seem to figure why elves would be wearing all that jewelry, but in days to come Tasha will reckon that it was to make them look shinier.
"Thou hast no business here!" Catherine barked, remembering the funny dialect the Witchking used when he spoke to Gandalf in The Return of the King , "Flee from this place! Tis not thy deed to claim first!"
"It's mine!" shouted another voice.
"Hi, Gandy!" said Tasha as a guy with a blue robe and styrofoam hat came along into the parking lot.
"Oloorin!" said the first elf, "You have come to assist us?"
"Nuh-uh!" said the imitation Gandalf, "It's every being for himself! And you Sindar elves aren't supposed to call me Oloorin. I'm Mithrandir!"
"Silence!" screamed Catherine, pointing her tin blade up to the night sky and holding the handle at her chest, "Thou shalt die!"
"Let me kill the elves!" interrupted a rather gruesome looking mask that had just leapt over the nearby stonewall. It was an orc.
"This is my job!" she retorted, waving her Morgul blade around, "Go find some of your own Illuvatar-spawn's blood to spill!"
"We're not spawn!" shouted the female elf, "We're the Firstborn, you lousy Morgoth saplings!"
"Morgoth saplings?" spat the rubber faced orc, "What kind of insult is that?"
"A good one! And all Ainur suck!"
"I am Oloorin!" boomed the Gandalf, "A child of Eru!"
"You certainly are a child!" went another set of voices. A group of hobbits stomped out of the nearby bushes. "Surrender this territory and all your mushrooms!"
"We aren't filthy hobbits if you haven't noticed," said the male elf, "So we wouldn't be carrying those dirty fungi---"
"What?! They aren't dirty!"
"All of you shut up, before I serve your heads before the Eye!"
"Go get your own show! I was here first, so I should enter first!"
"I'm the Maiar here! I am the best! Let me through the doors!"
"I want them mushrooms!"
"Havo dad, ilya!"
"Shut up!"
Finally, the orc jumped at the male elf and attempted a fierce assault as the female fired another rubber arrow at it. The Gandalf made for the doorway but the hobbits grabbed his shins and he fell to the ground. Catherine snatched Tasha's sword and began to fend off a gang of dwarves that had just charged into the area, wielding paper axes. Soon, all the brawls smashed into each other to create a brutal battle, fought with the inspiration of Moria, Tol Brandir, Helms Deep, and Pelennor. Everyone was screaming and shouting, whacking each other with their artificial weapons.
Tasha simply stood there on the side, watching the violence take place. Then, the sun dawned and the doors to SUNCOAST magically opened! Everyone was too busy fighting to notice, so she skipped inside, grabbed a shiny copy of the DVD, paid for it at the cash register, then ran off back to her house where she popped a bag of popcorn and sat in front of the television for three hours straight.
THE END
Wasn't that just the stupidest story you ever read? Review if you want to. This is more for the honor of August 6th.
This is just a parody. Please don't expect too much from it. There's a few laughs here and there.... Written in honor for the release of LOTR on DVD! There are many quotes from the movie and book in this fic, so each one is italicized.
WHO LOVES LOTR?
Catherine fingered her gold ring protectively as she muttered in Mordor tongue the rhyme of the One.
"Ash nazg durbataluk,
Ash nazg gimbatul,
Ash nazg thrakataluk,
Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,"
There was a long pause. Then Tasha piped up.
"Do you think it worked?"
Catherine stood up and kicked the glass sliding doors to SUNCOAST. The doors barely rattled. She began cursing wrathfully as she pulled her black hood over her head. She and Tasha had managed to scrounge up enough money to buy about thirty-two yards of black cloth to drape over themselves as Wraith costumes. Catherine loved Wraiths. Tasha preferred doing Gollum imitations, but she didn't know what to use to make the right suit, and besides, black hoods would be much more useful for this night operation: being the first ones to lay their hands on The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring DVD.
"Nope." sighed Catherine. She walked over to Tasha and extended her hand, "Hand me the crowbar."
"Cat! You won't be strong enough to pry open that door! And we don't have insurance!"
"Ssshhh!" snapped Catherine, forcefully slapping a hand over Tasha's mouth, "Keep your mouth shut!"
"Okay! Here you go!"
Tasha pulled out a long parcel wrapped with many cloths and ties from her bag. Catherine hastily unraveled the bundle and jammed the pronged end of the crowbar by the lock. She pried and thrust, but her ambition was not physically strong enough. Giving up on that idea, she unhooked the crowbar and pressed it against the flat surface of the lock. Then she shifted her weight back and forth on it.
"Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!" she sang. Nothing happened. She shook her head. "Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!" A slight breeze came and Tasha suddenly became interested in a dead leaf that was passing by.
"Shine! On the door! Please!" Catherine started screaming, jumping up and down as she shook a fist at the moon, "I need the inscription thingy!"
"Uh..." said Tasha tilting her head at the door. She spread her arms wide and spoke to the door. "Mellon!"
Of course, SUNCOAST did not really have an ancient spell cast over its transparent doors unlike the broad mountain west wall of Moria, so nothing happened. Catherine looked around.
"Is there any kind of...of river or stream thing around?" she asked quickly.
"The nearest stream runs right under us, and that's the sewer." replied Tasha pointing at the sewer cap.
"Ewww.... Nasty. Oh well."
Catherine trotted to the cap that was plated into the hardened tar of the parking lot. Tapping it with the crowbar, she chanted,
"Nin o Chithaeglir,
lasto beth daer;
Rimmo nen...uh... sewer,
Dan in ulaer!"
In her madness, she thought she heard the sewer waters lap higher, but not high enough. Refusing to give up, she turned to the faded silhouette of the distant mountains, now spreading her arms with the crowbar in one hand and shouted,
"Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse,
Nai yarvaxea rasseyla,
Taltuva notto-carinnar!"
But then she remembered that there was no snow in August, and the name of the mountains was not Cadharas. She was about to attempt another 'spell' on the locked doors again until a rubber arrow came flying from behind them. It bounced of the wall and almost hit her in the face. Catherine whipped around as she and Tasha unsheathed their cardboard Morgul blades, wrapped in tinfoil to make it shiny.
"Elvessss," hissed Catherine, pulling on her Nazgul act.
"Hooray! Elfies!" squeaked Tasha. Catherine bopped her on the head. "Ow."
"The Nazgul have arrived before us!" cried the attacker who was accompanied by his female friend. They wore cotton robes and wore a lot of jewelry. Catherine didn't seem to figure why elves would be wearing all that jewelry, but in days to come Tasha will reckon that it was to make them look shinier.
"Thou hast no business here!" Catherine barked, remembering the funny dialect the Witchking used when he spoke to Gandalf in The Return of the King , "Flee from this place! Tis not thy deed to claim first!"
"It's mine!" shouted another voice.
"Hi, Gandy!" said Tasha as a guy with a blue robe and styrofoam hat came along into the parking lot.
"Oloorin!" said the first elf, "You have come to assist us?"
"Nuh-uh!" said the imitation Gandalf, "It's every being for himself! And you Sindar elves aren't supposed to call me Oloorin. I'm Mithrandir!"
"Silence!" screamed Catherine, pointing her tin blade up to the night sky and holding the handle at her chest, "Thou shalt die!"
"Let me kill the elves!" interrupted a rather gruesome looking mask that had just leapt over the nearby stonewall. It was an orc.
"This is my job!" she retorted, waving her Morgul blade around, "Go find some of your own Illuvatar-spawn's blood to spill!"
"We're not spawn!" shouted the female elf, "We're the Firstborn, you lousy Morgoth saplings!"
"Morgoth saplings?" spat the rubber faced orc, "What kind of insult is that?"
"A good one! And all Ainur suck!"
"I am Oloorin!" boomed the Gandalf, "A child of Eru!"
"You certainly are a child!" went another set of voices. A group of hobbits stomped out of the nearby bushes. "Surrender this territory and all your mushrooms!"
"We aren't filthy hobbits if you haven't noticed," said the male elf, "So we wouldn't be carrying those dirty fungi---"
"What?! They aren't dirty!"
"All of you shut up, before I serve your heads before the Eye!"
"Go get your own show! I was here first, so I should enter first!"
"I'm the Maiar here! I am the best! Let me through the doors!"
"I want them mushrooms!"
"Havo dad, ilya!"
"Shut up!"
Finally, the orc jumped at the male elf and attempted a fierce assault as the female fired another rubber arrow at it. The Gandalf made for the doorway but the hobbits grabbed his shins and he fell to the ground. Catherine snatched Tasha's sword and began to fend off a gang of dwarves that had just charged into the area, wielding paper axes. Soon, all the brawls smashed into each other to create a brutal battle, fought with the inspiration of Moria, Tol Brandir, Helms Deep, and Pelennor. Everyone was screaming and shouting, whacking each other with their artificial weapons.
Tasha simply stood there on the side, watching the violence take place. Then, the sun dawned and the doors to SUNCOAST magically opened! Everyone was too busy fighting to notice, so she skipped inside, grabbed a shiny copy of the DVD, paid for it at the cash register, then ran off back to her house where she popped a bag of popcorn and sat in front of the television for three hours straight.
THE END
Wasn't that just the stupidest story you ever read? Review if you want to. This is more for the honor of August 6th.