Mama Told Me Not to Come
Chapter 1
Hello. Surprised myself and actually wrote something. I hope you'll like it and will review. Even if you don't like it I'd be interested to know why.
Am struggling with part two of 'I Can't Make You Love Me'. The muse is a slippery sort and isn't really into 'romance' so it's slow going. Imaginary Beta went over this but – you know.
Disclaimer: Not making any money from this. I just like to stay up late and drink coffee while fending off the tubby not-very-ninja cat who insists it's not a keyboard, it's her bed.
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
Smoked
He surveyed the scene before him. Bodies lay draped on nearly every horizontal or semi-horizontal surface. Even the mantle wasn't spared as a half-naked young woman lay sprawled on the slate surface like a discarded doll or a sacrifice to the gods of herbal enlightenment. A thick, sweet, haze hung in the air as an odd sort of electro pop/ska fusion pulsed loudly in the background.
Sighing in exasperation he advanced further into the syrupy atmosphere of the formerly orderly and expensively furnished living room.
It was like being transported back to the era of which his parents sometimes fondly reminisced now that their children were grown. It was a time when they weren't required to be quite so parent-like and long hair, drugs, sex, and rock'n roll were considered de rigueur on the path to nirvana. He half expected to see Hendrix, Marley or, at the very least, Willie Nelson wander through the smoke filled room.
Wading through the assemblage of the unconscious and the semi-conscious, he commenced his search. Bending to get a better look at a young face, he pulled back long dark hair and compared the revealed countenance to the image on the phone held in his other hand. Nope. Not her. Keep looking.
Steve had gone in the back way to secure and search the rooms at the rear portion of the house. He knew the SEAL is no doubt armed well enough to invade a small foreign country but the weaponry wouldn't be needed. From what the detective had observed, any inhabitants of the vapor-filled dwelling were most likely in no shape to put up any resistance. It wasn't an unfamiliar scenario. With mommy and daddy away, junior and his friends had partied their entitled little asses off. Judging by the debris littering the room they'd consumed enough alcohol, highly potent cannabis and whatever else they got their hands on to send them to lala-land or perhaps an emergency room.
The marijuana grown nowadays is far stronger than the stuff he used to smoke with his equally rebellious friends back in his wild youth, (though if one smoked enough of it, it got the job done). He vividly remembered the time one of his dad's fellow firemen had spotted the small gang of stoners toking up under a tree in a local park and had ratted them out. His father had promptly shown up and hauled his baked ass home where he'd been grounded for two months, (only his mother's intervention had saved him from being grounded for life). Ah, the good old days.
There was the fleeting thought that he should give Kamekona a call. When these idiots finally begin to stir, they are gonna have industrial strength munchies. No doubt the extra-large entrepreneur could sell out his entire stock of overpriced shrimp dishes in just minutes.
Hearing some harsh coughing from behind him he turned to see Steve burst out of one of the back bedrooms; a thick cloud of smoke rolling out the doorway with him.
"No . . . no luck." hacked out his friend trying to catch his breath between spasms as his lungs tried to rid themselves of the irritant. "Lotsa stoned kids but not . . . not . . ." his words were interrupted by a particularly painful sounding hack. ". . . the right one." he finally gasped.
Danny frowned when he realized that, though this was a somewhat dramatic entrance, it wasn't quite the same as the SEAL's usual sudden appearances. The man had just sort of staggered out to the center of the living room to stand wheezing and blinking in front of him. This initial alarm morphed into barely controlled laughter as the detective realized what had happened while Steve was searching the other room. The cause for the glaze on the the red-rimmed eyes that blinked owlishly back at him is all too obvious. SuperSEAL has just experienced a contact high.
Danny walked to the front door to throw it wide and then went around to several windows to open them as well. It would be a bad idea to subject himself to the effects of the herbal haze. Steve was apparently stoned enough for both of them.
"You okay babe?" he asked trying to control the bubble that threatened to rise to the surface to burst in uncontrolled laughter.
The Five-0 leader's alarmed realization right before the thought sort of floated off into the atmosphere was, Shit! I am so fucked-up! Intently peering into his friend's amused and suddenly startlingly blue eyes while trying mightily to concentrate enough to form a coherent sentence he came up with, "Umm, yeah . . . good, I mean good . . . no not uhh . . . 'm fine."
Well, this is kind of amusing, thought the detective. "You see any evidence to indicate she was ever here?" he asked, (mostly just to be an asshole).
He waited patiently for Steve to answer then, changing his mind as to just what level of mirth had been achieved; he struggled for control while thinking . . . No! This is freakin' earth-shattering, piss-your-pants hilarious! This was a gift from the deities of illegal herbs . . . blackmail material for life.
"There were umm . . . lots of . . . umm people passed-out in that room but . . . umm none were umm . . ." What is her name? I knew it a second ago! thought Steve strangely without feeling any panic over the suddenly missing information. "Umm, you know . . . that girl." Then managing to regain a bit more focus he frowned and surveyed the mellow chaos about them and asked, "I take it you didn't find any sign of Denning's . . . um . . . brother's kid?"
"No. His niece," said the blonde stressing the word his partner obviously couldn't locate in his befuddled memory bank, "is definitely not among the Grateful Dead currently passed out on the floor . . . or couch or coffee table . . . or, you know whatever." replied Danny as he waved toward the eighty-gallon fish tank in a corner of the room. Flopped over its top was a blonde kid wearing nothing but boardies and staring dazedly, (and upside-down), at the brightly colored fish that floated through his vision.
"You sure you're okay?" asked the detective once again. Then, miraculously managing to make an observation without laughing, he said, "'Cause you look a little, umm . . . high."
"As a fucking kite", agreed Steve with his goofiest grin ever as he nodded a bit too vigorously, causing him to momentarily lose his balance and grab for Danny's shoulder. Too late he'd come to the conclusion, Dammit! I shoulda been wearing a mask 'cause I'm pretty sure I just inhaled a shit-ton of pakalolo! The thought drifted briefly through his mind before it drifted out again.
"So, I guess that tip we got wasn't a good one. You wanna call Denning or you want me to do it?" asked the blonde knowing it definitely wouldn't be wise for Steve to hold any conversations with the Governor of the State of Hawaii or anyone other than maybe Toast at the moment.
Steve seemed to be actually contemplating the question before Danny made the decision and proclaimed, "Maybe talking to the Governor and parading around in front of HPD in your current state of umm . . . bliss . . . isn't such a good idea right now Rambo. I think a better idea would be to get you home."
His attention span apparently having dispersed into the haze that filled the room, Steve just looked blankly at him for a long moment before suddenly declaring, "Man, that's the bomb!"
"What?" asked Danny in confusion. He knew that Steve wouldn't consider going home before a scene is secured a good thing. What could possibly have elicited that response? Danny cast his eyes about the room looking for 'the bomb'. They were currently standing in the midst of a bunch of passed-out kids who were going to be in deep shit with their parents as soon as they became cognizant enough to remember their names. He could spot nothing that could elicit such an exclamation from his partner – baked or not.
"Did you ever notice that awesome cowbell in that song? It's genius!" observed Steve of the loud but almost forgotten soundtrack of what was rapidly becoming an episode of 'The Twilight Zone' as far as Danny was concerned.
"The bomb? Seriously? What is this? Time-machine Tuesday?" snorted the blonde. "Come on Rambo. We have to get you back to the commune before one of your fellow flower children makes off with your bong and those disgusting alfalfa sprouts wilt."
"Uhh. What?" asked Steve brow momentarily knit in confusion before marshalling his thoughts to protest, "I don't have a bong! Haven't had one since high school and . . . alfalfa sprouts are really good for you . . . especially with avocado and maybe umm chocolate chips."
"If you say so, Snoop Dog." chuckled Danny shaking his head in amusement, "Don't wander away 'kay. I'm gonna call CPS. There are several kids here who don't look anywhere near old enough to be partying like it's 1999. I hope their parents ground them for life when they get home. If I ever catch Grace doing anything like this she's not gonna be allowed out until it's time for her to go sign-up for Medicare at the social security office."
After a very long beat, Steve suddenly 'got' what his partner was saying and dissolved in an over-reactive giggle. "You think Gracie's gonna wait that long before she starts testing her boundaries? That's soo funny!" He actually doubled over with laughter before another round of hacking brought it to a stop.
"Yeah, whatever." frowned Danny. He really didn't need to be reminded how quickly his daughter was growing up. She hadn't even been allowed to wear make-up yet except for the tinted lip gloss her mother had permitted. He wasn't sure how he would survive her actually going out on a date or anything like that.
Once again taking his cell out of his pocket he punched speed-dial for Chin who was with Kono following-up a lead on a separate case. He filled them in on the situation without mentioning the current state of the leader of the Governor's Special Task Force. The two would be arriving in the next few minutes to take over. He next contacted Duke Lukela to give him the lowdown and ask that he send EMT's along with the HPD uniforms and contact CPS for the under-aged kid roundup. Without saying why, Danny told the veteran sergeant that Steve and he were needed elsewhere and that Chin and Kono could take care of any questions.
….
Five-0's Hawaiian contingent had arrived and took over the scene as at least twenty kids awakened and began to wander dazedly about the house and yard. Chin directed the chaos as Kono helped sort out who needed to be transported for medical care, who needed to be booked for providing the still illegal and way too potent cannabis to the under-aged, and who merely needed have their parents notified. All-in-all the group was pleasantly docile; a few were actually still too stoned to move.
"See you guys at H.Q. in another couple hours or so." said Danny as he tried to subtly guide Steve in the direction of the Camaro parked at the curb. "Steve's not . . . umm not feeling all that well so I'm gonna go drop him off at his place."
Observed Chin with his cat-that-ate-the-canary smile as he watched Steve more or less wander in the direction of the car. "I think he's feeling just fine Danny."
"Fuckin' A" muttered Steve in agreement as he slowly made his way toward his goal of the silver car. He'd never fully appreciated its beauty before. It's sooo shiny!
Danny rolled his eyes and took his mumbling partner by the arm and propelled him a bit faster toward the vehicle. He had to get him out of here before anyone other than Chin realized the guy was totally wasted.
"Bye Boss!" yelled Kono after them, "I hope you feel better!" Poor Steve, he's gonna be embarrassed when the pakalolo wears off. She smiled to herself as she turned back to her task of sorting who needs what. She'd never seen the man so relaxed. Maybe they should make it a regular thing.
…
"Hey Danny!" exclaimed Steve as he looked out the passenger window, seemingly fascinated by the scenery that flashed by.
"Yeah?" asked the driver who hadn't stopped smiling since they'd left the 'den of iniquity' - the house their informant had directed them to.
"Umm . . . "
"Steve?"
"Umm . . . "
"Look! Either you spit out the rest of the sentence or I'm just gonna handcuff you to the steering while I stop for a beer and wait for you to make your way out of the stratosphere and back to earth."
"Why're you mad at me?" asked Steve in that annoyingly hurt sounding way of his. Berating him at this moment would be like beating a puppy. An orphaned one. With big sad eyes. And a hurt paw.
"I'm not mad dammit! Just ask the question already!" exclaimed Danny in exasperation
"What question?" asked Steve with a frown. What the hell is Danny talking about?
"Okay, now you're just messin' with me" growled the detective.
"Huh?"
"Never mind. Just shut-up, sit there, look pretty, and enjoy the ride." said the blonde with a roll of his eyes as he steered the Camaro toward Pi'i'koi Street.
"I'm pretty?"
"Pretty baked maybe." snorted Danny
"I think Cath sometimes calls me pretty but I guess you could call me handsome if you want. Oh." With a slight hint of alarm in his voice he then added, "No offense Danny but I don't like you in that way."
At this point, Danny wasn't sure if Steve was pulling his leg or not. This conversation was getting out of hand.
"Just shut-up okay? We're almost to your house."
"Daniel?"
"Yes, Steven?" winced the blonde, not sure what the next squirrely declaration was going to be.
"Can we stop and get something to eat? I don't know why but I have a really bad craving for a cheeseburger . . . and maybe pizza . . . and maybe . . ."
Finding the first burger joint he could, Danny whipped the car into the drive-thru and they proceeded to order several things Steve would normally never think of eating.
Even if he had to pay for it himself, Danny was more than willing to give his friend the opportunity to stuff himself with the unhealthy eats. It would be sweet, passive-aggressive, revenge for the lectures his partner had given him over the years about changing his diet to a more healthy one that didn't include the sacred malasadas. In fact, he was eagerly looking forward to obtaining photographic evidence that Steve was actually human and didn't exist on a diet of shell casings and gogi berry/wheat grass smoothies.
As they drove away from the burger joint Steve ripped into one of the greasy paper sacks and retrieved a gooey sandwich. Taking a huge bite he groaned in appreciation of the paper-wrapped invitation to a coronary event.
"Hey whoa!" exclaimed Danny with alarm. "What the hell are you doing?! You didn't even open the bag at the top. You just tore through the side of it like a starving raccoon! Don't eat that stuff in my car! You're gonna drip cheese on my upholstery then I'm gonna have to shoot you, you animal!"
Steve's only response was a huge, cheddar smeared grin.
By the time they arrived at Casa McGarrett, his partner had devoured a triple cheeseburger and most of an extra-large side of fries. Danny was impressed.
"Hey D. There's some chocolate in the freezer. It would go really good with the milkshakes!" announced Steve enthusiastically as he practically jogged toward the front door; several more bags of fast food clutched tightly in his arms.
After a bit more shuffling of foodstuffs they finally settled in to watch a movie.
This had been a good call. Steve was definitely useless to law enforcement at the moment and since Chin and Kono had assured him he wasn't needed, he was going to enjoy the time off even if it meant spending it with his still baked and munchie crazed partner. The food that had made it all the way home had been laid-out on the coffee table before them; Steve apparently arranging it by proposed order of consumption or maybe just alphabetically, Danny couldn't tell. The items included in this intimidating feast were: chili-cheese dogs, another triple cheeseburger, a mountain of fries, pastrami sandwiches, milk-shakes, pizza, (Steve had insisted they get one delivered but mellowly agreed to eschew any pineapple topping), chocolates, pop-corn and strangely, a quart of peach yogurt. They were ready to watch a movie.
Danny had already checked-in with the wonder twins who told him everything was being taken care of at the scene and the 'big case' had already sorted itself out. The Governor's missing niece had shown-up at her parent's door with a ring on her finger and a scruffy new husband in tow.
"Mazel tov." responded Danny to news of Isabel Hall's, (nee Denning's), new marital status. He wondered how long it would be before her parents tried to get it annulled.
Ending the call, he reached toward the remote. "So, what's it gonna be Steven?" he asked as he concentrated on selecting the streaming service Steve subscribed to. "Considering your current state, how about 'Dazed and Confused'?" Receiving no reply, he went on as he read the Nextflix menu displayed on the big screen, "Maybe 'Horrible Bosses'? It's something we both relate to." When no answer was forthcoming he grumbled, "Okay, okay. Since you're paying for it we'll watch 'American Sniper' it's on pay-per-view."
Queueing up the movie he set down the remote, settled back, and turned toward his companion.
The tall man was sprawled against the back of the sofa, one foot resting on the edge of the coffee table, the other on the floor, mouth open and sound asleep. There was cheese and chocolate smeared on his face, mustard and chili stains on his T-shirt and a melting Klondike bar still clutched in his hand.
"Lightweight" snorted the blonde derisively as he reached for his cell phone to snap another picture.
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
Story inspired by Cheech and Chong. Title is from an ancient song by Three Dog Night. Any research was done solely for the sake of this story. Anyone got a Klondike Bar?