Co-written by Prongsie-Jamesie and Pranks Are So Siriusly Padfoot
Disclaimer: We only own the plot... and the whistle eating floorboards...
This was originally a movie we were going to make... but we decided to let you guys have a peek!
ENJOY!
It's Too Loud For My Delicate Eardrums
Act 1
Scene one: Crap In A Can
Sirius: It's too darn hott.
James: Yeah and I'm too darn bored!
Sirius: Hey! Let's write a play!
James: No, that's a dumb idea.
Remus: He is right. That would be an incredibly bad idea. See…
Sirius: It is not!
Peter: I'm stupid don't ask me.
Sirius: I love plays! How's about…four lads are writing a play about four lads, who are writing a play about four lads who writing a play about four lads who are writing a play about four lads who are writing a play!
Remus: Yes! We get the idea!
Peter: I'm stupid don't ask me.
James: We'll see 'bout that. But for now…
Sirius: It will be a comedy/romance/horror/thriller/action/sci-fi/ fantasy/drama/romantic comedy/musical/documentary/foreign! And your beloved director is, drum roll please….ME! And as Director I personally get to boss you around and use this whistle, whenever I want!
Remus: Why the whistle?
Sirius: Cause I'm the director and I say so. This play will be all the aforementioned things and more. And Peter guess who is going to be the hero!
Peter: I'm stupid don't ask me!
Sirius: Prongs is!
Simultaneously
Peter: Him!
Remus: Him!
James: Me!
Sirius: Yes! You slash him slash him!
Remus: Mr. Moony would like to express his doubts that Mr. Prongs will be able to control the overproduction of saliva from his salivary glands and may very well flood the set!
Peter: Mr….(5 seconds)…Wormtail! Would like to remind the four lads of his undying stupidity!
James: Whoa!
Remus: Mr. Moony states in shock See! Mr. Prongs cannot even talk in Mssr.-dialogue!
James: Mr. Prongs expresses his awe and amazement at Mr. Padfoot's choice of cast. Whoa. And wishes to add with regards to Mr. Padfoot what a wise decision indeed!
Remus: Mr. Moony contains his anger and would like to state: Why you little--!
(Attacks James. Both boys, plus Paddy, end up on the ground, fighting. Sirius' whistle is tossed out of dog pile. Peter picks up the whistle and blows into it, failing to notice his finger is firmly placed over the hole. He tries to make it sound over and over again, winding himself. Moony interrupts his fruitless attempts, and he quickly shoves the whistle in his pocket.)
Remus: I feel much better, now that I've-…Sirius are you okay?
Sirius: (breaking down in tears and clutching heart) No! I don't believe it! Where is my Directors Whistle? Moony give it back!
Remus: I don't have it!
Sirius: But you were mad at me for not making you the hero! And you wanted to get revenge…so you took it! It all fits!
Remus: No it doesn't! Because I didn't do it!
Peter: Who did take it? (forgets he stole it)
James: I know… it must have been lost in the action part of the play! So let's find it. Sirius, you and Moony look on the floor! Peter you search the beds… and I will search the kitchen!
S and R: Why would it be there?
James: Because it could have fallen through a crack in the floorboards!
Peter: (Gasps in astonishment and jumps onto bed) If it swallowed the whistle does that mean it could swallow me?
(after unceremoniously dragging Peter from the bed, group makes way down to kitchen. Peter shrieking with fear because of whistle-eating-floorboards)
Peter: You won't take me alive!
Remus: Cut it out you brute! The floor won't eat you!
Sirius: That's right! Just the whistle!
(Peter starts crying)
James: There there. It's not like you have in your right front pocket!
(Peter wails louder)
Sirius: Just think, the evil whistle-eating-floorboards could be listening to our every word! Give it back you fiend! It was just a baby (false sobbing)
Remus: Calm down. Maybe if I had been appointed hero I could have saved your whistle form the evil clutches of the whistle-eating-floorboards.
James: Too bad! I'm hero!
Sirius: He's right! Prongs, you're out! Moony's hero!
James: No
Remus: (Smugly) Yes
James: You Cad! How dare you? To think I once called you friend. You…you…EX-BEST FRIEND!
(Remus sticks tongue out at James)
Sirius: (torn) I stand by my decision… Prongs don't make that evil prank-planning-face.
James: Remus may be better at charms than I, but I know more hexes, than he knows jinxes, hexes, and curses combined!
Remus: Um…(tugs at collar)
Sirius: I think that Moony would make an academy award-winning villain! Wait…no…Peter is the traitor in the play…sorry mate!
(Peter fingers whistle uncomfortably and laughs uneasily)
Sirius: Well, Moony I've found the perfect part! The Damsel In Distress! This way James has someone to save! It's genius…its foolproof….its –
Remus: NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
Sirius: How about a heroic damsel who first saves the whistle but gets stuck on the journey back?
James: Yes! But you will look great with your bright red hair and big green eyes!
Remus: I will not cross dress!
Sirius: What!
Remus: I didn't stutter!
Sirius: Not even for me?
James: Or me?
Peter: Or them?
Remus: NEVER!
Sirius: Fine! I shall write you out!
(fast reverse)
Sirius: It's too darn hott.
James: Yeah and I'm too darn bored!
Sirius: Hey! Let's write a play!
James: No, that's a dumb idea.
Sirius: It is not!
Peter: I'm stupid don't ask me.
Remus(VO): This is terribly boring without me.
Sirius(VO): FINE!
(Fast forward to present. Boys finally reach kitchen. Moony and Sirius glaring at one another)
James: (Laughs uneasily) So! Who is up for some bare-knuckle fist-fighting?
P R S: What?
James: Come on! Help me move the table!
(P R S fleeting looks at James, fear for sanity or lack of)
James: Well if you aren't mad enough to bare-knuckle fist-fight, then you aren't mad at all!
S and R: Oh….Fine (embrace in brotherly manner)
Peter: (smiles stupidly and strokes something in right front pocket) How cute!
Sirius: Well, now that that is settled…let's see about some pigging out!
James: I say we duke it out on popcorn mixtures! Paddy…you do sweets…Moony you do… hot sauces… Wormy...err…you can do…butters! And I'll be the Judge!
Remus: Fine… but as hot sauces I don't have to eat as much as sweets or butters…(James gives him look)…ugh! FINE!
(Sirius begins pouring chocolate syrup and candy, plus anything else with sugar in it into his bag of popcorn.Remus grabs any hot sauce / pepper he can find and pours it into his bag of popcorn.Peter melts 8 sticks of butter and it goes into his back of popcorn along with some peanut butter.)
James: Ready…ON you mark… get set… STUFF YOUR FACES!
(All begin to stuff faces. Sirius gets chocolate syrup in his hair. Moony starts whining for mild. Peter with congealing butter on his face. James runs up and starts helping Sirius…what a judge… Sirius and James finish Sirius' bag and start on Remus'. They stop shortly after beginning, and beg for milk as Peter passes out.)
James: I declare Padfoot Sirius Black the winner!
Remus: Not fair! I always get hot sauces!
Sirius: And I always win!
James: And as always here comes…MUM! Quick! Wake up Peter, and get rid of the EVIDENCE!
(They all quickly throw out the garbage and put all the food they used away! However, they forget to clean up themselves!)
MP: Boys… what have you been up to?
(J P R S stand in height arranged line and look up at her with puppy dog eyes)
Simultaneously
James: Nothing Mother!
P and R: Nothing Mrs. Potter!
Sirius: Nothing Mother Potter!
MP: (eyes them suspiciously then bursts into hearty laughter)
(J P R S grin looking at each other as well as MP. MP goes up to the boys)
MP: GROUP HUG!
(all emerge from hug covered in food)
MP: Without you boys, my life would just be so empty! Now who won?
Sirius: I did Mother Potter!
MP: Well, aren't you special! Let me guess… Remus had hot sauces?
Remus: As usual Mrs. Potter!
MP: And Peter dear had…Butters! Not my good sweet whipped butter I hope?
(James laughs nervously)
Peter: Umm…what kind of container was that in again?
(James steps on his foot)
Peter: Oh…wait! Now I remember! I read the label, because I can read, mind you, and it had the words fresh, fluffy and ….err….sweet on it!
(James scowls)
MP: James! I've been scolding you for years, and still you use it! Every time!
Sirius: And yet you still buy it…Mother Potter!
MP: True…
Remus: I think we should get all washed up.
Peter: What's for dinner?
MP: Chicken Cordon Bleu, mashed potatoes, and…CORN!
(All the boys stiffen noticeably)
MP: Well I better get cleaned up!
(Exits room)
J R S: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Peter: (fingers stolen whistle) What?
Remus: COOOORN!
James: The rottenest, meanest, cruelest…
Sirius: evilest of the evilest evil's evil that is an evilly evil shade of THE EVILEST PURPLE EVER!
Peter: (stupidly) Oh.
James: (Pacing) What are we going to do?
Remus: No doubt this will turn into a fiasco! Including one of Sirius' ridiculously long-named missions, an attempt at dumping the corn in some remote location halfway around the world, and being foiled by THEEE MRS. POTTER!
James: She foils it EVERY time!
Peter: Is that the lady who stops us from throwing our corn away?
Remus: Yes Peter!
Sirius: But NOT this time… this time, we're going to show her whose boss….
Peter: She is.
Sirius: That's right… but at least we can give her a run for her Galleons...or biscuits…
(J and R exchange confused looks. Peter nods head like he understands perfectly.)
Remus: It won't work… never has!
James: Let's do it!
Peter: What are we doing?
Sirius: Ok! Here's what we do….
(trail off in whispers. Peter sits back, trying to blow the whistle, but still places finger over the hole.)
End Scene 1
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Pranks Are So Siriusly Padfoot