A.N.: Ok so…this is just…the reason why you shouldn't let me listen to depressing music when I am in a depressive mood and my best friend is going to Spain for 2 weeks right before I go to France for 3 and we won't be seeing each other forever and we can't even meet to say proper goodbye…it's just really…ugh…but I had to get all the sad stuff off my chest before I could even think about continuing on 'Our Happy Ending' which I will (hopefully) be able to post an update to in the next like 12 to 24 hours or so…
Story Notes: I started writing this one shot a while ago following a sad event in my life and when I stumbled across it today I decided to finish it, long before Klaine had become canon on the show, so it doesn't follow that events in the show, just thought I'd mention that even though it's not overly important. It has a tiny amount of fluff, a lot of drama, angst a huge Hurt towards a tiny comfort...it is possibly triggering, or depressing it is short and possibly pointless, maybe slightly OOC and of course it's KLAINE...if you chose to read on do so with caution...other than that enjoy *lessthan3*
Rating: T for language, and (possibly) triggering content (I don't think it is but if you're easily triggered…well)
WARNINGS: Contains mentions (though not overly graphic description) of self harm and a lot of Major Character deaths…
Disclaimer: I don't own the song or Glee...or Darren or Chris...bummer...
Also…the italics are flashbacks, just saying that to avoid confusion… ;)
"…
Circling the pain inside my soul
I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show
I tried to find the answers in my fears
But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared
Take it all away
I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own
Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?
..."
Red "Take It All Away"
"Oh boy..." Blaine groaned softly into the soft brunette hair of his boyfriend after they had finished watching a show on how you could make diamonds of your deceased relatives or partners.
"What?" Kurt chuckled.
"Promise me something, when I die, please don't make me into a heart shaped necklace." the raven shuddered at the thought.
Kurt didn't reply at that, he just stared at the now blank black TV screen silently.
"Love you ok?" Blaine asked, slightly worried.
Kurt seemed to be drawn out his reverie by the sound of his voice "Huh? Oh...yeah I'm fine it's just..." he drifted off.
"It's just what?" Blaine wanted to know, confused as to what may have upset his boyfriend like this.
"Remember when we did the Star Trek TOS marathon last weekend?" Kurt asked out of the blue.
"Sure I do...but...?" Blaine was confused.
"Remember how in "The final Frontier" Kirk tells Spock that he knew he wasn't going to die because he wasn't alone and later on Spock just accepts that, never doubting the captain's assessment?"
"Yeah...sure...one of these things that you made a point in telling me proved Spirk...right?"
"Exactly..." the younger boy smiled "And...just like that I know that you don't have to worry about me making you into a necklace..." he continued.
"Oh?"
"Yeah...I guess that...in between my dad's heart attack and my mum dying in that accident I just know that I am not meant to be on this earth for long...so I will die long before you..."
Blaine just stiffened at that. He couldn't believe the calmness and implicitness with which the boy in his arms spoke about such matters.
"Love, you ok? You seem troubled." Kurt noticed.
"You...you..." the lead Warbler took a deep calming breath, chasing away the images of himself without Kurt and replacing them with the warm feeling of Kurt's soft body against his chest and the faint chocolate-raspberry smell of his shampoo and conditioner. "How can you say that?"
"I just know...I think I...I never doubted it, or regretted it...at least not until I met you...I mean...even when I had my friends and dad and now Finn and Carole I just always kinda figured that it would all go to hell...Then I met you and for the first time in my life I realized that while everything, myself included, in my life was just temporary, you're permanent. And...yeah...I guess I just felt betrayed all of a sudden, until I realized that should be grateful, that your happiness was the most important thing to me...and that I only wished for you to be happy after I'm gone..."
Blaine was very silent, fighting back tears and terrible images after that confession. What seemed like an eternity later he shuffled their positions, so that Kurt was now lying on his back, Blaine on top of him. Beautiful glasz eyes directed their questioning gaze towards pleading hazel ones.
"Blai...?" Kurt started, but the older boy motioned for him to stop.
"Promise me something..." Blaine pleaded.
Kurt just nodded, eyes full of earnest and affection.
"Promise me that you will fight...promise me that you won't leave me alone..."
Kurt pushed himself up until their faces were almost touching. Eyes still firmly trained on each other.
"I promise."
The raven hadn't thought about this conversation ever again after that incident. He had pushed it to the farthest corner of his mind, covering it with all the happy memories he had made with Kurt, and there had been plenty. Even when times had been at their worst, it hadn't resurfaced. Because Kurt, against all of his better judgment, had kept his promise.
Blaine was sitting on a waiting bench at the New York airport, waiting for his boyfriend to get there. It had been almost a year since his graduation, and it had been a tough time for them, not being able to see each other whenever they wanted to.
The fact that New Directions were the defending champions for this year's nationals, which were coincidentally in New York yet again, and that Kurt, all of New Di and even his family were on their way here under strict supervision of their coach and one Sue Sylvester, to New York where Blaine was studying at the moment, was just the perfect opportunity.
He wasn't bothered by the fact that the plane was late for arrival. More than half of the planes were when they got here, it kind of belonged to the charm of the giant airport.
The boy started to get a little antsy when he noticed the obvious distress of the employees working at the airport. For no apparent reason a very dark feeling started to settle in him, although he had no indication whatsoever that something could have gone wrong.
His fears were confirmed however when a detached calm voice announced that the plane from Lima to New York had crash landed and that the injured of the crash had been transported to various different hospitals. People waiting for arrivals were asked to check upon the news to find out where their friends or relatives had been brought.
Blaine raced home, turned on the television. It was all over the news. The terrible pictures of a burning plane wreck, paramedics, policemen, firefighters and other helpers were on the spot to save what was left to save. Several things struck Blaine cold.
"Out of 200 passengers and 40 more of the crew we have now received confirmation on a number of at least 180 deaths, and more than 50 gravely injured."
The voice of the newswoman drifted into the background as Blaine's brain started catching up with the meaning of those words. It meant that there was no one who had made it out of this unscathed, it also meant that the number of deaths would possibly increase dramatically in the next 24 hours.
It didn't take him long to understand, logically that there was a high probability of the New Directions group to be among the steadily increasing number of victims. He also knew, logically, that it was more than likely that Kurt, was one of the almost 180 unfortunate that hadn't even survived the initial crash landing, much less the resulting explosion.
His heart refused to accept that though. He refused to accept that he would never hear Mercedes and Rachel bitching about who was the bigger diva, never see Burt and Carole with tears of pride in their eyes as their sons won another title doing what they loved, never watch Puck and Finn going completely crazy over a silly Wii game, never listen to the cheerful and terribly unorganized singing of New Directions when their Director once again told them to just let their feelings fly. He refused to believe that all of these amazing people could have just been wiped out of their life from a cruel accident.
As far as Kurt was concerned, Blaine didn't even allow himself to think that far. He knew that if he would think about never hearing Kurt's voice again, never seeing how his eyes and his whole being lit up with a smile of happiness whenever he saw him, never feel his soft touch against his warm skin, never talk to him all through the night about nothing at all...he knew that it would kill him and he would never make it to the hospital.
By chance he drove to the New York General hospital first, rushing through his halls, right into the emergency room, where acquaintances of victims were supposed to look for their loved ones. Blaine knew Kurt was there the second he entered the room and he all but ran to his side, dropping to his side.
"Kurt." he cried, afraid that he had come too late.
"I promised…remember?" Kurt asked weakly, before he went limp and Blaine was pushed aside by the doctors who brought the boy into surgery, leaving Blaine behind, not knowing if he would ever see him again.
The next ten hours were what he thought of the worst hours of his life, waiting for Kurt's surgery to end, waiting for him to wake up.
However as it turned out he should be proven wrong soon, when Kurt woke up.
"Blaine?" he asked weakly, voice hoarse.
"I'm here love everything will be ok…" Blaine assured him.
"Blaine…w-where are the others?" Kurt asked solemnly, as if he already knew the answer, but still Blaine felt like a big glassy something inside of him shattered into a 1000 pieces as he watched Kurt fall apart at the horrible truth.
As it had turned out later, after 30 hours of trying to save as many as possible, only Kurt, a stewardess, 2 other passengers and an American White Shepherd puppy had survived the crash. No one else had made it. Something inside Kurt had changed that day, and it had scared Blaine to death.
They had decided to adopt the little dog on Kurt's insistence and called him Courage out of sentimentality, even if that wasn't really a usual name for a dog, or anything for that matter. But at that time there had been no way Blaine would have denied Kurt anything at all no matter how ridiculous, if it would just have made him smile again.
Kurt hadn't been the same. He had shut himself off completely, from everything and everyone. The only thing, other than Blaine, he still seemed to care about was Courage. He had trained him lovingly and the two of them had moved in with Blaine, since they had nowhere else to stay anymore. Going back to the empty Hudmel residence had been absolutely no option. It was a wonder how either of them could have survived. But although the brunette had been very much alive and healing it had been obvious to Blaine that Kurt had stopped living.
Finding him sitting on the floor in the bathroom, bright red blood covering his wrists from cuts with the blood stained razorblade he was clutching desperately, while their puppy watched him miserably, had made something inside of Blaine snap.
"What are you doing?" he yelled, panicking as he saw the mess that Kurt had made of himself.
The pale and skinny brunette lifted the gaze of his beautiful glasz eyes to meet Blaine's and the raven felt like he was being punched in the gut as he saw the emptiness in them.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to see this." Kurt whispered brokenly, getting up warily, dropping the bloody razor into the sink and wrapping two small towels around his injured wrists.
"You didn't…?" Blaine refused to acknowledge the implication in that sentence.
"I'm sorry,…I'm sorry for doing this to you, sorry for making you go through all of this…I know I'm a mess Blaine…I am so so sorry."
That was it for Blaine, he couldn't take it anymore, he broke into tears, wrapping his arms around his lover, crying into the soft crook of his neck. Kurt just held him, Courage sitting next to them patiently, wagging his tail every once in a while.
"Don't apologize to me…You always only ever care about me…I need you to start caring about YOURSELF Kurt…about YOUR life…"
Kurt didn't reply to that and Blaine could feel the heartbreaking sobs shaking his own body against the calm and still form of his boyfriend.
Kurt allowed him to gather his composure, holding him, stroking his back soothingly all through this. But he didn't reply until when Blaine had almost cried himself into and exhausted sleep and Kurt knew he was borderline falling asleep.
"I'm here for you Blaine…I should have died that day…should have died in that plane crash together with the others…I know that and, somewhere deep inside your heart you know that too."
The next morning Blaine woke up to a note from his boyfriend that he was outside with Courage and that he would bring breakfast. When Kurt arrived, fresh bread and fruits, as well as a delicious bone for their puppy, Blaine had already purposefully forgotten about the gruesome incident and Kurt's words.
Unlike these other words, the conversation of that night refused to stay locked away for long. Only three weeks later, exactly half a year after the plane crash they had come back to hit him with full force.
Blaine was walking down a rather busy street, Courage bouncing up and down eagerly with anticipation of meeting Kurt soon.
"Blaine!" a very familiar voice yelled and for the first time in 6 months Blaine saw Kurt smile as he hurried across the street to get to them.
Blaine shot the brunette a responding smile, looking down at Courage who barked happily at seeing Kurt. Suddenly there was a terrible mashup of noises, tires screeching, glass shattering, people screaming, metal clanging.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion for Blaine as he tore his head up, just to see the contents of Kurt's shopping bag scattered all over the road and a black Van standing in the middle of the road, several other cars crashed into it.
But all of that registered a lot later with his brain. He didn't even feel how Courage ripped him forwards, towards the motionless figure lying in front of the Van. He didn't see or hear anything but the person in front of that car.
"Kurt!" he yelled, not caring about his knees or jeans as he dropped himself on the floor, cradling the boy in his arms. "Kurt no, come on please!" he yelled.
The slender brunette slowly opened his eyes.
"Blaine?" he asked weakly.
"Yeah I'm here baby, don't worry, it'll be ok…you're gonna be ok." Blaine cried, more to reassure himself than to actually reassure Kurt.
The younger boy smiled sadly.
"I'm so so sorry." He said softly and Blaine's heart stopped.
"Noo…!" he cried.
"I know that I promised…" Kurt continued weakly. "I tried…" he whispered, scared glasz eyes finding Blaine's.
In that moment Blaine could see all the pain that Kurt had been harboring for so long, all the fear and the pain, the loneliness and the agony. But above all he could see endless love, and he knew that it was directed at him. It was then he realized that Kurt was asking his permission.
He felt like he was about to faint as he held the boy he loved in his arms.
'I'm here for you Blaine…I should have died that day…should have died in that plane crash together with the others…I know that and, somewhere deep inside your heart you know that too'
Suddenly Blaine remembered the words Kurt had said to him all those days ago and his heart felt as if it was being torn to shreds as he closed his eyes, feeling tears falling from his eyes. He pulled Kurt closer against him, kissed his lips, his jaw, his neck, leaving a wet trail of tears.
He shuddered with the effort as he buried his tearstained face in Kurt's hair.
"It's ok love…" he whispered "You kept your promise…it's ok…" he whispered brokenly, knowing that Kurt would go through so much more pain just for him.
But just because someone was ready to endure all that for a beloved person it didn't mean that that person should put them through that. Blaine knew that he had been selfish, keeping Kurt alive for his own sake.
A small shudder went through Kurt's body and Blaine could feel that Kurt was crying as well.
"I love you…" Kurt whispered weakly and then, a little stronger, assembling all the strength he had left "Courage, remember?" and he sagged against Blaine's chest and the raven knew that it was over.
"I love you too." He whispered over and over again. "I love you too. You never needed courage from me, you always were the stronger one…"
He held Kurt until the paramedics came, he just refused to let go of him. They finally managed to pry him away from the dead vessel of the boy he loved, by telling him that "the dog had to get lost".
Blaine got up planting one last kiss on Kurt's forehead.
"I'll always love you …"
He stayed behind as they took him away, knowing that Kurt would have killed him had he left Courage all on his own in the city. Ironically it started to rain and Blaine didn't move, not even as the night came and the cold washed through his body.
He didn't even notice. Because he was already cold inside. He just felt empty and stone cold, the feeling was impossible to describe.
Suddenly he felt something warm touching his hand and he looked down, just to find Courage snuggling against him, equally soaked as he was, but not leaving his side. The dog looked up at him and for the first time, Blaine noticed something. The eyes of the dog, were glasz, like he had only once seen them before.
'Courage remember…?' Kurt's voice resonated through his head.
Bowing down to stroke the little puppy's head, Blaine couldn't help but wonder about how much exactly his lover had known.
In spite of all that had happened, Kurt's words from that conversation back on the couch had never once crossed Blaine's mind until this very day. Tears started falling from his eyes as he remembered.
He missed Kurt so much. Yes he too had lost a family when New Directions and the Hudmels had died in that plane crash, for they had been more of a family to him than his own could ever be.
But when Kurt had been taken from him he had lost his heart, a part of his soul. He didn't even know how he had continued living, but he figured that it had been only for Kurt's last words and the puppy that he had left him.
Now, 15 years after he had lost everything his life had been worth living for, Blaine was once again standing on the graveyard in front of a beautiful white gravestone with silver engraving.
Kurt Elisabeth Hummel
1992-2012
Beloved Son, Brother and Boyfriend
"Courage"
He gently put down a green leather collar with a silver dog tag on top of the stone. The dog tag read "Courage".
"I love you." he whispered gently, tears falling from his eyes as he looked at the stone being painted red by the setting sun.
End Notes: Ok…I'm listening to songs like "Take It All Away" by Red or other similarly 'upbeat songs' right now and…I feel so, so terribly sorry for Blaine…this is just making me sad…
Courage is the same kind of dog as mine and they're amazing…if you don't know what they look like just google American White Shepherd or American White Shepherd Puppy…
I don't know what this is…I would normally say I hope you enjoyed it but I don't know in how far you could say that here, so I just hope that the writing wasn't terrible and you found something about this that you enjoyed…liked…I don't know…
As you can possibly tell I'm kinda on the fence about this so I would love to hear what you guys thought about it…
Anyways thank you for reading *lessthan3*
I am currently working on updating my other stories…
Love,
CITC