Authors: bluejay and InvisibleBrunette

Notes: Because someone (Writer215) actually requested this fic, and Blue needed a kick in the behind to start writing again.

Notes2: We hope everyone gets a laugh or two out of this :)

"You have got to be kidding me," Red Hood muttered at the fluttering newspaper stuck in the dumpster. As though to show its defiance, the newspaper twisted just so and the article that Red Hood had problems with glared right back at him. And there it was again, clear as day - or as clear as a streetlight on its last days could make it.

The newspaper was one of those gossip rags that print tiny nuggets of truth and blows them up in giant in-your-face fonts. Jason knew better than to take stock in those rags; especially not when it almost cost him a bullet to the leg, shot by thug number three who was determined to keep shooting despite the glazing look in his eyes. (Red Hood made it a point to give him an extra strong kick to the head.)

But this one...oh, this one. Right there, in full color, on the front page: a picture of Bruce, with a baby. Yes, that's right. A baby. And it can only mean one thing if a gossip rag posts that picture on the front page.

Jason slapped a hand over his helmet's face, muttering, "As if one demon child wasn't enough. Who's it from this time?"

And so, despite his New Year's resolution (who really keeps them anyway?) to stay away from the Manor and its extended family of Capes, he made a mental note to check things out.

"It'll be just my luck if the whole thing was a set up to catch my attention." He told himself as he went to his motorbike. If he stepped on one of thug number one's hands on the way, well, it's no skin off his nose.

And as he roared out of the dirty alleyway, he thought, It's not like the Bats haven't run out of direct ways to catch my attention.

The manor was just as prestigious as ever when he arrived. And while it wasn't the same building he'd grown up in - the earthquake that had devastated Gotham a few years ago made sure of that -

but the newest facade was close enough to the original it brought back bittersweet memories that he tried so hard to keep buried.

He remembered feeling the same awe that everyone feels on first seeing the huge place - but he also felt a tiny bit of resentment that some folks work little and yet get to live in places like this while others work their entire lives in misery and still only get a one-room apartment in the dingiest neighborhood. And sometimes, not even that.

You could've stayed though. A voice reminded him. They would've taken you back if you wanted.

"And f*ing pigs could f*ing fly if they got hold of some magic beans," he muttered to that nagging little voice in his head. "Could live with the riches, couldn't live with the rules."

And it was those rules that shattered the illusion the Bat had painted for him.

The security - as state-of-the-art as they were - still had the same little blind spots as they had back in pre-quake Gotham. Nostalgia on the part of the Bat? He thought to himself. Or maybe it's just the little door that he kept open for his birds.

Either way, he slipped in undetected. Not that there had been any doubt - he'd lived here for half his life, after all. Then again, maybe the old man's just getting old.

The Manor at night was mostly dark and quiet. But that was the above-ground level, of course. All the activity would be below grounds, leaving the rest of the Manor for Jason and whatever dirty skeleton he could find in the many closets.

Bruce's study hadn't changed from the last time Jason was here - was that a couple of years ago, already? I remember Goldie closed up shop when he moved to the Bunker. But he must have left everything else the same. It's like he kept everything of B's as much as it had been as a memorial.

Speaking of memorials, there was his one…

No, Jason wasn't going to bother with that thought.

He gave a cursory check on the other rooms (except Alfred's because he would know someone's been messing with his stuff) and finally ended up in the family wing. The Demon spawn's room was as bare as a monk's except for the mini armory that served as decoration. I'll bet Alfred barely approved of this much pointy objects in a room.

Replacement's room looked like a college student's only without the fan posters. Even if Jason was inclined to, he really didn't want to spend a lot of time figuring out Replacement's favorite hiding spots. Besides, maybe one or two of them would even be password-protected.

Next, he peered into Goldie's room - or what should have been Goldie's room. Jason had spotted the anomaly instantly since it took up the pride-of-place in the room: a crib. An honest-to-goodness old-fashioned, refurbished crib.

"What. The. Hell."

It was as if he'd been sucked into a trance. Because before it really registered in his mind that he had, in fact, moved, he found himself standing in front of the crib and peering into it.

And he was half-expecting it to be empty instead of-

There was suddenly an arm against his throat-

-occupied.

"That's as far as you go, buddy," the whisper was all sorts of menacing despite its softness.

"Is this really the way to greet me after all this time, Goldie?" Jason said, snark clearly lacing his tone. "I'm hurt!"

"Jay?" The arm faltered, dropped, and Dick stepped away. "What are you doing here?"

"I've got a better question," Jason pointed at the tiny bundle in the crib. "What. Is that?"

"That would be a baby, Jason." the Golden Boy said slowly, as if explaining something complicated to a young child. "I'm pretty sure you've seen one or two before now."

" 'Course I know what it is!" Jay hissed. "What, did the old man get himself another one?"

"...What?" Dick gave him a confused stare. "Jay.. I think you have the wrong idea."

And at that moment, Damian came bursting in still halfway garbed in the Robin outfit. "Crays detected an intruder!"

The Demon Spawn took one look at the crib, at Goldie, and the leather-jacketed elephant in the room. "Oh, it's just you, Todd."

Jason immediately bristled. "What do you mean, it's just me? Just because I haven't kicked your-"

"Guys," Tim suddenly strode in, still pulling off his mask but already in civvies, "I could hear you guys all the way downstairs."

Jason snorted as he took in his 'brothers' and the non-uniforms they wore. "Looks like a regular party in here. Why don't you invite the old man and his butler in too?"

"We are already here, Master Jason."

Jason froze at the accented, testy, but still cultured tone. No matter how many years had passed, hearing Alfred's voice in that tone always got his hackles rising up.

The old butler came into the room and made a beeline for the crib, Bruce following behind him but pausing as he took in the sight of all his sons in the room.

"Jason." Bruce nodded at him. "Welcome back."

"Yeah, I'm not looking to stay, old man."

"Still, I-"

"What I'd like to know," Damian cut in, arms folded on his chest. "Is what are you doing here, Todd?"

"I'd like to know that, too," Tim added.

Bruce simply raised an eyebrow and looked at Jason. "Jason?"

Jason shrugged. "I'm just here to check on the new brother."

Bruce choked while Tim and Damian stared aghast at him and the baby. Dick however, just scratched the back of his neck and said sheepishly, "Uh, about that, Jay…"

"Still can't keep it in your pants, old man?" Jason sneered at Bruce. "Who's the mother this time? Or are you actually starting a brood of-"

"It's Chey." Dick interrupted with a sigh. "Cheyenne Freemont."

"Who?" Jason paused, froze, and stared at Dick as he finally recognized the name and computed two plus two. "Wait a minute… YOU?"

Dick nodded. "Me."

"Holy sh-"

Dick slashed a finger at him. "No foul language around my little bit."

"Might I suggest," Alfred cut in, "that we move this conversation to the study and thereby, allow Master Dustin his sleep?"

Everyone agreed with a grimace and wary glance towards the quiet bundle before silently trooped downstairs to Bruce's study - well, Dick stayed a bit to make sure the baby kept sleeping without any fuss then followed after them.

But as soon as Dick arrived, Jason launched onto him. "Alright, Goldie, how old."

"How...what?" The older man looked confused.

"How old's the kid. Because I know for sure Cheyenne wasn't in the picture when I last dropped by."

"Oh. Err…"

"She had Dustin without Grayson knowing." Damian explained for him, arms crossed and a sullen expression on his face - then again, when wasn't he sullen?

"So you knocked her up and you didn't know?" Jason sneered. "I've heard the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but you take the cake, Goldie."

"What are you saying, Todd?"

Jason jerked a thumb at Dick, saying, "Goldie here's been compared to Bruce all the time. The whole having a secret baby though? That is ridiculous." He smirked. "At least you found your mini-me before he got turned into a killing machine."

"Don't be stupid, Jay," Dick rolled his eyes. "Chey wouldn't do that."

"Nah, she'd just teach him to be as fashionable as her. So does widdle Goldie sparkle and shit rainbows a lot more than you do?"

"Really, Todd, you just can't keep spreading your filth everywhere, can you?" Damian snarled. "I will not allow such as you to corrupt my nephew."

Jason snorted at the smug possessiveness in the little brat. "Even little and he's already got the Demon Spawn wrapped around his little finger. Has Replacement done his stalking bit too?"

Tim's cheeks colored. "I was not stalking."

Jason counted off his fingers, "Snuck out at night to find and follow Batman and Robin wherever they were patrolling? Check. Kept all newspaper clippings related to them? Check. Took as many pictures as you could while hiding somewhere nearby? Check. Sounds like stalking to me."

Tim reddened further. "I'll have you know I made sure I was as discreet as possible and never troubled them. And besides, I have Dick's permission to take photos of Dusty for the family album."

"As I recall, Master Timothy," Alfred spoke up, "you took enough pictures to fill three albums."

"Don't tell me they're the humongous types with infinite pages." Jason snarked.

"I shall not say."

"Th-that's not true!" Tim protested. "Dick filled one album!"

"Hey! Donna helped!" Dick retorted. "Besides, Dusty's just too cute! And he won't stay little forever."

"Sentimental papa much?" Jason laughed at him.

Dick gave him a pointed look. "I'll have you know that I saw a folder of Dusty's pictures and videos in the Crays."

All former and current Robins fell silent at the implications and turned to look at Bruce.

"It's customary for parents to have pictures of their kids." Bruce defended himself.

"Kids they watch grow up," Jason remarked with a hint of bitterness.

"Nonsense, Master Jason," Alfred added, "Even foster parents have pictures of the children they've adopted. It brings a sense of joy and accomplishment to have photographic evidence of children you've raised. Why," there was a gleam in the butler's eye when he said, "I'm sure Master Bruce takes the time to look at those same pictures once in a while; like he does Master Damian's infant pictures on his smartphone."

"It also helps to have remote access to the Crays at all times." Bruce remarked blandly.

"Indeed," Alfred agreed, "One can never be too vigilant in these dark times."

"Wait," Dick and Jason interrupted. "Damian's baby pictures?"

The three quasi-brothers turned to their youngest who was beet-red in embarrassment. "I will check on Dustin," he excused himself and ran off. But everyone knew he was actually going to search out that stash of his baby pictures and destroy them before anyone else could see them.

Speaking of which, Jason started to run after the Demon Spawn when Tim stopped him.

"Don't mind him," Tim said, "I have backups. And I'll bet Bruce has backups too."

"Oh really…?" Jason smirked, already thinking of what he could blackmail the Demon Spawn with.

Alfred remarked, "But of course, there are backups upon backups. It wouldn't do to lose all those infant pictures. Master Bruce would no longer have anything to show off."

Tim's eyes widened as he realized, "Hang on, you mean he has baby pictures of all of us?"

Bruce shrugged as though it wasn't anything unusual. "Did you think I spent all those hours on the Crays just researching crime databases while you were asleep?"