Don't know where this is going if it even ends up going anywhere at all, but here it is. AU-ish, loosely set after the Last (except Neji lives 'caus why not?), so there's going to be some background pairings of love-dovey NaruHina and awkward SasuSaku and unrequited NaruSasu. Probably going to be eventual GaaSasu, GaaNeji, or SasuNeji (or maybe all three, so be warned) if it keeps on going. That's it for now. Don't like; don't read. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure how OCC everyone is.
Warnings: Vague references to some dubious consent and (lots of) angst. Sasuke also has a dirty mouth. Kakashi is worried about suicidal Sasuke.
"You have the same eyes as I do… the eyes, filled with filled with hatred and death, that long for strength…just like mine… your eyes tell me how badly you wish to kill the one that put you through the hell called loneliness."—Gaara no Sabaku
"Eyes. Those damn eyes fucked me forever. We made love just looking at them."—Charles Bukowski
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"You know the point of coming to a wedding to pay your respects to the bride and groom is defeated by no one knowing you're here, don't you?" Kakashi's bored drawl rang out.
Forcing back a scowl, since giving Kakashi any indication of his emotional state usually ended in a lecture, Sasuke settled for a grunt. He supposed he could spare a minute to wish the newly-wedded couple the very best, but he didn't want to disrupt on their very oh-so-apparent matrimonial bliss.
Sasuke shoved these thoughts aside and decided to get to the main reason behind his visit. There was no point wasting anyone's time with nostalgic get-togethers. It was nice to see Kakashi, though; it had been several months since he had last been in Konoha. It was not nice to see Kakashi when Kakashi was trying to be hands-on, however. That usually ended in disappointment on both ends. He had disappointed Kakashi enough for a hundred lifetimes.
"There were some dissatisfied factions pushing for a coup in Wind—near Suna. They claimed to be unhappy with the balance of power in the Alliance, saying that the Kazekage's love for Konoha is keeping him from taking Sand to its true heights," Sasuke ground out. At the very least, this would push Kakashi into Hokage-mode and out of Disapproving Parental Figure-mode. (Sasuke has had enough of that from his actual father while he was still living and Kakashi during the whole "destroy Konoha" debacle.)
"A coup? I haven't heard anything about that from Morino's reports."
"His reports are shit. Besides, I heard my information straight from the source."
Kakashi blinked and stared at him. Sasuke met his gaze for a few moments before ducking his head and continuing onwards.
"The coup was mainly being planned by a few minor lordlings in the Wind Daimyo's court. They seemed to think that stirring up disrest would shake the Daimyo's confidence in Suna and push him to rely on them instead for military support, increasing their own power and prestige. This attempt failed, though; I took care of it." Kakashi looked at Sasuke expectantly, but Sasuke gave him no response.
A muscle neck in Kakashi's throat twitched. "What is your source? How did you 'take care of it'? Words, words are important, Sasuke; you should use your words, especially in the case that you may have caused an international incident."
Though Sasuke knew that Kakashi was prematurely grey long before he was his teacher, Sasuke could almost see the gray hairs growing on Kakashi's head every time they talked. Naruto really should hurry out of his honeymoon stage with his beloved Hinata and become Hokage already before the old man is completely over the hill. It's not even like Kakashi even wanted to be Hokage; Hinata is distracting Naruto from the goal he has had had since he was young and even more annoying and orange, Sasuke thought sulkily.
Sasuke looked at the strained expression on Kakashi's face before elaborating out of pity. "One of the lordlings had a wife who was interested in and pursued me, telling me anything and everything to get me into her bed. Pillow talk, you know? Once I reciprocated, she thought that she was in love with me and confessed everything. I simply gathered information and sent the appropriate authorities everything that I knew. It may have helped a little once I told my lover"—Sasuke spat this word—"that her adoring husband may or may not have been seeing someone behind her back. Then, she may or may not gone to the Daimyo himself and told him everything out of spite." Sasuke did not mention the irony of the woman spurned having already spurned her husband since he did not think Kakashi would share the same black amusement he found from this.
Kakashi closed his eyes and let out the sigh he had been holding in. "So you were never engaged in any direct combat, or involved in any thing that could be interpreted…badly? Nothing that could prove to be bothersome later down the road?"
"I'm not fucking stupid, sensei. Who do you think has been sending what good intelligence reports you've gotten since Jiraiya died? Who do you think dealt with the aftermath of that group that who tried to revive Kaguya? I have the Daimyo's blessing for dealing with the mess, and to begin with, I had permission of the Daimyo to infiltrate the group of conspira—"
"But you did not have my permission or my knowledge of what you were doing, Sasuke. You did not inform the Kazekage that you were in Sand and dealing with hostile parties. You just send anonymous reports back here and expect to go traipsing through the Five Great Nations without a thought anyone or anything else. Teamwork and cooperation are important; I taught you to value them, Sasuke. You are not doing that. You are going off by yourself and ignoring those that can help you and need your help."
"But—"
"This is not me speaking as your sensei; this is me speaking as your Hokage. There are complaints about how light—or how nonexistent— your punishment was after the war. I know you, and I know that you have changed. Others don't; they say that while your motives and alliances are with us instead of against us, you are still the same as before. They say my emotions towards you are coloring my treatment of you. Maybe they are right. The last two years that you have spent 'finding yourself,' you have sent Konoha invaluable information. However, your actions in the name of defending Konoha have been reckless, and I haven't held you accountable. It's lucky that this last instance did not turn into a huge cluster-fuck. You cannot just stop a coup in another military nation without permission from that nation's military leader."
"I didn't think it was necess—"
"Obviously, you didn't think. You could have been killed if they thought you were collaborating with the conspirators in worst case, causing instability in Sand's alliance with us; in the best case, if you had been caught there without them knowing why you were there, you would have spent a few months in a prison cell before I had to fill out a mountain of paperwork to get you out." Kakashi paused. "Things turned out well, but this can't happen again. With the way you're acting, you're going to turn into another Tsunade and run around drunk for a few decades until Naruto beats some sense into you and drags you back here. Until I say so, you're confined to village 'til I figure out what to do with you and this. I expect a report and a draft of a formal letter of apology to the Kazekage by tomorrow morning."
Sasuke bite down the rage; he did not understand why Kakashi was so angry. Ever since his last fight with Naruto, he had tried so hard to be good and to protect Konoha. That was the right thing to do, wasn't it? Protect Konoha and all the petty, useless people in it. It's what Itachi would have wanted; it's what Itachi had died for. And here Kakashi was yelling at him for doing what was right. It's not like he had betrayed anyone or done anything that could have potentially hurt any of his teammates again. He didn't even engage any direct combat with any of the conspirators to avoid the complications that would ensue for using unauthorized physical violence in another nation. Hell, he had even spread his legs for that cold harpy of a woman and let her touch him to keep one of Konoha's allies safe. Sasuke hated being touched, but he faked pleasure for Konoha's sake. Who knew all that time spent with Orochimaru would pay off in Konoha's favor?
Will he ever be able to look Kakashi again without the ever-present disapproval on his face? No, Sasuke decided, he won't; that was okay, though. With everything he has done, Sasuke knew that he deserved the disapproval. Sasuke took a deep breath to avoid the hysterical laugher bubbling in his stomach. One of his ribs gave him a twinge of pain. Oh, I'd forgotten about that, Sasuke thought. During one of the last sessions with the woman, she had been rougher than usual and he did not feel like giving her the satisfaction of using his safe word. Afterwards, she would have tried to hold him and say sorry and how much she loved him. That made Sasuke angry. It was one thing to fake lust for a noblewoman's perversions in order to get information from her; it was another to pretend to listen to the farce of the thing she thought was a love declaration. It had been that way in Sound, too. Sasuke blinked slowly and (as per usual) pushed these thoughts away.
Kakashi's damn eyes were now looking at him very intently. Sasuke did not know how it was that even when Kakashi used to look at him with only one eye, it felt like the whole world was watching him. Now, with two eyes looking down on him, it was even worse. Sasuke decided to say nothing until Kakashi went away and left him alone; the empty feeling is better when Sasuke is alone. That way no one could look down on him with those damn disapproving eyes.
"Are you okay? Your ribs, they're hurt, aren't they?" Kakashi said.
Sasuke said nothing.
"Well, since you are obviously fine then, put on your people face. We're going to go to the last part of Naruto and Hinata's wedding, and you are going to smile. Then, you're going to go to the hospital and deal with Sakura worrying about your health."
Sasuke attempted to smile, but it came out like a strained grimace. Sasuke has never been very good at smiling. Or at least he hasn't been good at smiling that night his life went to shit.
"Never mind about the smile then. It looks like you have two broken ribs."
Oh fuck, Sasuke thought before following Kakashi out of his office.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kakashi has always known that he will probably never want to have children. This morning when he was calming down a frantic Naruto (who for some reason thought Hinata was going to get cold feet despite being in love with him for her whole life), this thought was reinforced. He was prouder now than he had ever been in his life, but damnit, his adorable baby genin were growing up. They were official adults now, and soon Naruto and Hinata were going to be making adorable baby genin of their own. The feeling this thought brought up was heart-warming but made him so sentimental and close to teary-eyed that it would ruin the "hip" reputation Guy has given him.
On the other hand, the feeling that he never wants to have children was doubly magnified with Sasuke. He never knew what that boy is thinking these days. There was a time when he did know what Sasuke was feeling, seeing a miniature of his younger self, but those days have been long gone for ages now. Even the slight micro-expressions Sasuke used to give are now absent, leaving a blank, broken slate of a young man. Some times Kakashi wanted to ask what was wrong, but he knew the only response is the bland, chalk-written word "fine" and the blanker slate of Sasuke's face. This was when Kakashi knew that his heart was broken. Sasuke was never like the old Obito, but now he looked like the broken, despairing Obito towards the end. The look on Sasuke's face was too similar to the look on Sakumo's face before Kakashi found him in a pool of his own blood. The kid had come so far from the angry, bitter person he had been; Kakashi is going to be damned if he lets the kid end it all doing something like that...
I should have known that this finding "inner peace" thing was bullshit; the only thing Sasuke has been good at finding is trouble—even when he's trying not to. It's like he wants to die. At the very least, there's reason enough to keep the kid in Konoha now where we can keep an eye on him. I'm not going to lose him because of his own stupidity. Not when I can stop it—not again, Kakashi thinks. He lost Obito and Sakumo because he had been too blind; he's not going to lose Sasuke to the big, bad world. Plus, confining him to Konoha will cut down on the bitching at the next Kage's meeting. And it would make Naruto happy, making a win-win situation for everyone.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As Sasuke slipped into the room behind Kakashi, all eyes seemed to fall upon them. Sasuke did not need to look into the eyes to know what the minds behind those eyes were thinking.
Traitor. Coward. Murderer. Liar. Family-killer. Traitor.
Not for the first time, Sasuke wondered how Naruto dealt with all the eyes upon him as a child with such grace. Whenever Sasuke felt those eyes land upon him, he felt the hate being shoved from the everyone else's eyes and into his own, forcing its way through his pupils and taking root in his brain. He knew the world thought that he was a monster, and despite his attempts at redemption, he was starting to think he is a monster as well. He wasn't like Naruto; he could not smile and turn the hate into a challenge to overcome and laugh in the face of it. Maybe he would turn into the monster the Kazekage—Gaara—was when he was younger. After all, the old Gaara said they had the same eyes. The eyes of loneliness that knew only of hate and rage. Sometimes Sasuke felt so hated and death-cursed these days that he wanted to rear up and tear up the eyes of all the people looking at him.
Sasuke ignored the eyes upon him and looked towards Naruto and Hinata. They were probably some of the few not looking at Sasuke (because they were looking at each other-how sweet). Hinata's silvery white eyes were staring into Naruto's sky-blue ones as though looking away would mean the world were ending. I know that feeling, Sasuke thought with a tinge of resentment; he cleared his throat. Better to get this ordeal over with; also, interrupting Naruto and Hinata's lovebeam-transmitting staring contest was a plus. Did they realize how emotional—how obscene—they appeared to an outside observer looking in? That intensity and depth of emotion was better bottled up inside and never let out; it was almost as if they were trying to hurt Sasuke by flaunting their love in his face. It would be easier to watch them fuck on the table like animals than to see them stare into each other's eyes like that. Annoyed, Sasuke did what he was best at and forced his emotions down and pulled out a smirk.
"So you finally found a woman willing to put up with you, dead-last?"
"Bastard! You're here; you actually came back! Wait—this doesn't mean I forgive you for last time. What the hell, man? Blowing up a meteoroid like a hero and then being all 'and now I must go'? We haven't heard from you in months. You've been worrying Sakura-chan sick, ya know…"
Foolish Naruto—Sakura as well— not forgiving him for that, but forgiving him for all his other sins. Sasuke did not understand them. He had never been able to forgive anyone or anything. Perhaps this was the reason he needed Naruto so much; Naruto was everything he could never be.
"Also, you're a dick for the last birthday present you sent. An orange frog night cap, which is awesome by the way, with a note saying 'Knowing your tastes, you'd like this. Happy birthday, dead last"? You set my last night cap on fire; you don't give someone a birthday present that replaces something you already destroyed, asshole."
Sasuke decided to cut this rant off before Naruto got started full force and shoved a package in Naruto's hands.
"Open it, idiot."
Naruto opened it and stared at it for a moment.
"It was my mother's; my father gave it to her when they were married. I figured you would be stupid enough to forget to give one to Hinata, so here you go."
An awkward moment passed, and Naruto opened and closed his mouth. Sasuke glared at the ground and shoved his hands in his pockets. He hated sentiment, but he was expecting Naruto to be happy when he gave him this. Naruto loved Hinata, so he should be happy he had something to give her to show how much he loved her, shouldn't he?
"But, Bastard, I can't take this. Shouldn't you give this to Sakura-chan?" Naruto trailed off uncertainly.
Sasuke glared even harder at ground as if it was the one causing his heart to be torn out right now. Besides, why would I give it to Sakura. She cannot still think she loves me after everything that has happened, can she? Or maybe, she can…oh fuck, Sasuke thought. Sakura was strong and brave and beautiful, but the thought of anyone loving him (or being unfortunate to think they loved someone like him) made Sasuke very uncomfortable.
Hinata finally spoke, giving him a slight bow and rescuing them from the awkward silence that seemed to swallow out everything now.
"Sasuke-kun, I want to thank you for this; it means a great deal to both of us. Sometimes, Naruto is not the best at saying what he feels; you are like a brother to him. I know that giving this ring to us must mean a great deal to you as well. You are our comrade and our family, and we can be your family, too, if you allow us."
Hinata's eyes met his own, and Sasuke was not sure if the genuine kindness and warmth he saw there made him feel any better. He did not know what to say, so he nodded and let out one of his fallback monosyllabic grunts.
Naruto suddenly laughed, breaking the tension, and slipped the ring on Hinata's finger. "Way to respond to a heart-felt speech, asshole, and, hell yes, you better prepare yourself for family dinners whenever you are in town. We're already coming up with the plans for a house next to the Hyuga compound, so you can even have your own fucking guest room."
"I'm sure Neji would love that," Sasuke drawled.
Naruto looked confused for a second before slinging his arm around Hinata, asking "Neji and Sasuke don't like each other?"
Hinata flushed delicately and brushed her hair out of her face, trying to think of the best way to phrase her response. On her finger, Sasuke's ring gleamed. Sasuke bit his lip to keep from screaming in anger. Hinata was pure and good, and Naruto was happy. That was all that mattered.
"I have to go," he snarled out before stalking to the open bar across the room.
As he left, he heard Naruto's yell of "Oi, bastard! Where do you think you're going?"
Glancing back, he saw Naruto's fallen expression and Hinata gently patting him on his shoulder.
Whatever, if he asks later, I'll just tell him I was overcome by a bout of emotion. After all, isn't everyone supposed to cry at weddings?
But then again, Sasuke never had been big on crying, so he just decided to get black-out drunk. His hangover the next morning should match how he was feeling right now.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sitting across from the Kazekage, Neji cursed the seating arrangements yet again. How was he supposed to converse with an important ally without deathly insulting him when said ally showed no expressions to gauge his emotions by? Neji was nothing if not prepared, and the Kazekage's non-reactions were an annoyance to him. He could tell the Kazekage was genuinely happy for Naruto and Hinata , but could not tell his thoughts on the new trade agreement that they were discussing. It's almost as if I am talking to the traitor. They both have the emotional capacity of a rock, he thought. Well, at least the Kazekage is wise beyond his years and stopped being a homicidal psychopath—unlike the Uchiha. I can respect that and I can actually respect him as a person.
This was actually rare for Neji. He was of the strict opinion that he would only give respect to those who deserved it and those who deserved it were few: Hiashi-sama, Hinata-sama, Gai-sensei and Lee occasionally (when they were not being idiotic), Tenten, and Naruto… The fact the Kazekage managed to fight the fate he once had accepted was something that Neji could identify with. Neji studied the man he was thinking about. Pale, blank face; paler green eyes. It was hard to tell what the Kazekage was thinking even for someone with eyes that saw everything like Neji…But now, there was actually something that Neji could identify on the Kazekage's face—a sort of darkening, an opening in the opaqueness that only let black through instead of light. What could cause such a reaction on a man like the Kazekage?
Neji followed the Kazekage's gaze. Uchiha…I suppose that explains it. Well, that is another subject I identify with this man on. Kamis, I hate that traitor. He has no sense of honor, and I do not believe his half-hearted attempts at redemption. What sort of entitled bastard can stroll into the wedding of a man he tried to murder like he has the right to be among us?
It was at that moment that Neji started sweating when he remembered he, too, was at the wedding of someone he had tried to kill. He had tried to change his ways and his thoughts towards the Main Family, but being completely honest with himself, he still felt trapped. He still hated seeing out of the bars of his cage with his all-seeing eyes and knowing that he would never be free. Would he go the same way as his father and only be able fly away free into the arms of Death? To protect Hinata or maybe Hiashi or Hanabi, he would do so, but for the rest of the Main Family, they could burn.
Oh kamis, forgive me, I am not the man my father was…
Making his excuses to the Kazekage, Neji got up and stalked to the bar. Well, if the Traitor could get raging drunk at a wedding, so could Neji. It appeared both of them were harboring traitorous thoughts tonight. The thought made Neji want so scream.