IMPORTANT NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: This story is extreamly personel, and is based upon events that I am/was going through. IN NO WAY DO I EVER THINK CHARLES WOULD ACT THE WAY HE DOES IN THIS; Charles is a much kinder man than the person I'm dealing with, luckily for Erik.
So, point is, Charles is out of character, tada. So please refrain from asking 'OMG LIEK CHARALES WUD NEVAR ACT LIEK THIS WHY YOU MAEK HIM ACT LIEK THIS?' because I will become saddened by the human race.
Here we go; Super Angst on Maximum.
The wind is cold and mean and bitter as it stings my bleached red eyes.
I'm standing here, screaming on the inside, silent on the outside.
This is pain.
I'm showing weakness to the one person who will no longer accept it.
"You were thereason,"
Spit it out.
"To smile.
"You were the only reason, to get out of bed.
To get ready.
To be nice to complete strangers."
I can't look at him.
With teeth bared and throat knocking I hold back a sob.
"I hate it-I fucking hate it." With each syllable I bark my words into a curved knife, trying to cut away the water dripping from my eyes.
"I hate how much you've affected me. How I've let you affect me.
"I hate-," My chest gives way to an earthquake, shaking with the uproar.
"I hate how the way I can be happy is with you." I'm spitting it as though it is an insult, hoping to break his selfishness with the blunt edge of my pain. Then with mixed with the spittle of a fresh wound I murmur a confession to his deaf ears.
"I can't even get the same happiness from being with my own kids than I am with you.
"How sick is that?
"How pathetic am I?
"I…" There are so many tears now that there is no point in trying to hold back.
All locked doors open eventually.
"I am used… to having people leave me.
"First my parents, then my wife, then my first born…
"And then you.
"And you gave me, so many reasons beyond revenge.
"You made me happy.
"But now you're gone, and the space you used to fill is empty, and once again I am left with no one.
"You're not like Magda, Charles.
"You're not dead like Magda.
"But you're gone.
"And I'm starting to think you might never come back.
"And I can live with that; I can accept that.
"But…
"I can't understand why.
"Was I no longer worth it, Charles?
"Or have you simply moved on and I'm left like a school boy with a crush?
"You know what?
"I wouldn't put it past you.
"You've always been more social than I.
"Figures that new friends would flaunt to fill my place by your side.
"But no one will ever be like me, now will they?
"No one will ever care for you like I did, now will they?
"And no matter how long you search, no one will ever love you like I did.
"It was you that pushed me away, in subtle ways.
"Trimming the nails to a hand I soon cut off.
"But after all this time of being pushed away, I might not come back.
"I might stay away.
"But if you had let your pride down; if you had talked to me about it.
"I would have come running with open arms.
"… But you didn't, now did you?
"And because of that we're both alone.
"Sitting on stones. With arms crossed."
My nerves have calmed and I can think so much more clearly with all of the chaos oozing out from my skull.
"I have no more reasons.
"For anything anymore.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, and I will be gone unless someone should stop me.
"I'm not asking you to come to your senses, in fact I doubt you will do anything at all.
"I just thought I should let you know, that as of tomorrow all ties will be severed.
"Permanently."
He said nothing as I turned to leave.
Which was only for the better, I suppose.
Because I don't think I could have stopped myself from embracing him if he had.
He is only a phantom limb, to which I can hardly feel.
If I had known that Charles had taken pain medication to ease his head ache from my outburst, I would have waited longer for him that morning.
But the fact that he hadn't showed up at all hurt too much to bear.
If I had known that he had simply overslept, I would have listened to his urgent calls for forgiveness.
But I didn't.
I would like to say that I'm glad that I didn't respond.
But I'm not.
Because there is no reason to be happy anymore.
I have no reason to smile.