A/N: So… This is the longest one-shot I've ever written. I literally sat a month on it before writing up more than 3500 words of it today. Enjoy.
Word count: 4114
Hey Scorpius,
Albus here. I know that you won't ever hold this letter in your hand, and I have my doubts about whether or not you can see or read this, but the hope that you might be watching me write this makes it all easier. At least then, it feels like you never left, like we're still in Hogwarts, writing silly love letters to each other, even though everybody else disapproved of our relationship. Most of all, my uncle. Although, I know that your father also had his own problems with us. It wasn't exactly easy to get them to approve, but we finally did it at one point, didn't we? I think it was worth it.
It all seems like it was ages ago.
Remember when we sneaked out to the Kitchens for the first time, when we were in our sixth year? I do. It was fun, though I also recall being nervous as hell, because you were a prefect being out after curfew without a plausible reason, and I didn't want you to lose your badge because of me. And then, you just laughed at me, saying you didn't give two shits about whether or not you can keep your position, because all that mattered was that I was there with you, and you honestly couldn't have asked for more.
I still remember that one, it was a really good memory. It made me feel happy and all fuzzy on the inside.
…
You know, it's such a shame what happened to you. I mean, it was just a freak accident, right? And then, it just had to happen to you, of all people.
You know, the news of the accident came to me as quite a shock. When the Ministry owled me, I was currently waiting for you at home, in our home, because you said it was going to be a special night. I still don't know what you had planned, because nobody told me anything about what the Aurors found. I guess I'll have to wait. I suppose I was not told any of the circumstances because they thought I'd be devastated. I'm not sure if I could be even more devastated than now though.
Sorry; I didn't want to get emotional.
You know, I think I may just go to sleep now. I'm tired, my eyes are puffed and I'm starting to sound desperate.
Write to you soon,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
It's me, Albus again. It's been a week since I've been informed about the news of your accident, and I'm still feeling a bit shaky. Mum and Dad didn't really ask me about it, and neither did Lily or James. I'm kind of glad they didn't, because I'm really not feeling like talking about it yet with anyone. Rose, though, she told me that I should maybe go and see a doctor, and consult with them about it, since it was a great emotional trauma, and it would help me if I got it off my chest. I told her not to worry about it; I'll deal with it myself.
But I did decide to write to you again, because I thought it would ease the ache in my heart, that I've been having for the past week. I think talking to you might actually help. I don't really know.
Remember when your grandmother had passed away, and how you used to seek out my help? You would secretly cry on my shoulder, while we were hiding from the prying eyes in the Room of Requirement. Those weren't exactly good days, but I'd been there for you. You had told me so many times how you appreciated it too.
I miss those days. I miss you too. I know I can't ever get you back – well, maybe sometime we can meet in the afterlife, and Merlin knows how much I have left – but whenever I write to you, it feels strangely soothing. You know, like we're sixteen again, without a care for the world, not yet having to worry about the consequences… I want to go back to that place sometimes. I'm pretty sure if you'd be here, you'd feel the same too.
It's really hard for me to keep up with my job at the Ministry these days. My boss told me I can take a bit of a break, since he understands that it must be hard for me to cope with you not being around anymore.
I think it haven't yet hit me fully. Every day, I'm still stealing looks at the door, waiting for you to come home, to wrap your arms around me, to press your lips onto mine and say it was just a really bad nightmare. I'm still hoping that one day you're going to come home and tell me everything was alright… My mind is telling me it's foolish, but my heart is still hoping, I'm still hoping on the inside.
I hope you see me while I'm writing this from wherever you are.
See you soon,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
Albus here again. Since I've last written to you, I decided that I would send you letters weekly, although, when I told this to Rose, she just furrowed her eyebrows and said that maybe it's not the best idea, and that I should spend more time with the family instead, and that it would certainly help me recover. I told her not to worry about it, and that I was just trying to preserve your memory by writing these letters. She didn't answer me after that, but I suspect she didn't take it well.
I still often think about what could have happened if you hadn't stepped in front of that goddamned car, and if the driver hadn't been so drunk that he didn't notice you. Wizards and witches die in potion accidents and oversights every day, and then here you are, gone because of something so mundane, something that could have happened to anyone, even muggles… In a way, it's pretty unique, but I've always thought you deserved something bigger. Not something like this, something so quiet, something that no one will notice except from your relatives…
Remember our first kiss, in fifth year? I know this is a bit random after my sentimental rambling up there, but I still like to reminisce about all those memories. Some people say I should try to forget, but I don't want to. I don't want to say goodbye yet.
Back to the topic. I remember that I've been fancying you ever since third year, when you finally asked me out on a Hogsmeade weekend, and you said it was an actual 'date' date, if it was okay with me. And then I replied that it was fine by me, trying to keep my cool, even though my heart was beating crazy fast in my chest. I remember you telling me that we were going to have so much fun, until we were told that the Hogsmeade weekend wouldn't happen due to not having any free professors to accompany us, students, since they were too preoccupied with having to grade the finals of their classes. Then, you said that then we would just hang out around the castle.
And on that day, I think it was already past dinnertime when you dragged me into an abandoned classroom and kissed me for the first time. I still smile at the memory every time I think about it, though lately, it's been a bit of a melancholic smile.
Then, you officially asked me out, and we've been together ever since. Eight years… According to Lily, that's an insane amount. She told me she never had a relationship longer than eighteen months. Does that mean we're special? I don't know. But I still miss it. And the ache in my chest is still there, every time your face flashes in my mind.
I guess you could say I'm sad. Rose told me she thinks I might be depressed, and that she really just wants me to get better. Then, she asked me if I was eating normally. I didn't answer; it's been a while since I last ate a normal meal. She scrutinized me briefly, then said that it's not healthy that I'm not eating. Okay, true, I've been losing weight, but I'm not really concerned; I'm not really concerned about anything right now. Maybe about you, Scor. But that's it.
I don't really understand why that's a problem. Everyone has their duller days. It just happens so that I've been having them for two weeks now.
I guess she'll try to push me into doing something about it. We'll see.
See you soon,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
Last week, I saw you again, for probably the last time. We held the funeral at the graveyard where everybody else in your family rests, and you were buried between your grandma and your great-grandpa.
Until then, I was just wishing to see your face again, for one last time, but now I'm not sure if it was a good idea. Your skin was even paler than usual, almost paper white, and you looked so… Dead. I know, that's not a creative comparison, but it was a bit terrifying. You looked as if you were somebody else, not my Scorpius. Not you, who would always look at me with warm eyes – which I have no idea how you managed; your eye colour is so icy – not you, who would pull me into a hug to comfort me when something bad happened, and not you, who would make me smile even if everything else was going terrible.
I think looking at you snapped something on the inside. It was then that it hit me, and it all came crashing down at once. You know that feeling, when you feel like suffocating at a place, because it seems like everybody is looking at you with pity, while really, you just want to crouch in a corner and cry? I had one of those moments then. And you know how I am in those situations; I always have a panic attack. And I almost did, right there, if it wasn't for Rose, who quickly escorted me out of the room before it could have really started. She told me she saw my glassy eyes, so she knew she had to do something. Then she tried to convince me to go and see someone about this whole thing, what she calls depression, the panic attacks, the letters I'm writing for you, all because she sees that it's eating me away, and she doesn't want me to suffer, that she's worried about my well-being.
I got really frustrated with her at that. I didn't really think about it, I just started shouting with her. I told her she didn't understand, I told her that it was all her fault – which I know wasn't – and that it'd be better if she just left me alone. In retrospect, I'm kind of glad she didn't. She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and started to speak in a hushed tone.
So, I'm having my first appointment with the doctor she told me about tomorrow. A visit at a hospital is not on the top of my to-do list, but she told me it would help, that this Mrs Green is the best psychologist she's met. I don't know what to think about it; to be honest, I don't really trust these people.
It'd be much better if it was you instead. the real you, not the one I saw at the funeral. I'm pretty sure you could take the numbness away.
I really just want to feel alive again, but I'm not sure if it's ever going to happen.
Hear from you soon,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
Remember when after graduation, we finally found the flat we'd been living in ever since? It was in late March, almost a year after we finished Hogwarts, and up until then, we'd been living back our respective parents. It was such a beautiful day; I remember feeling the spring in the air already, like the weather had also know that it was going to be a happy day in our lives. It was a nice day indeed.
Our flat was – is; I still live here, after all – a little apartment in London with only two bedrooms, a little kitchen and a bathroom with a living room. You eyed the place a bit suspiciously, since you were used to much bigger places – well, I can't deny that the Malfoy Manor does have a grandeur size – until I claimed that it was everything I've ever wanted. Then, you just shook your head playfully while I was smiling at you sheepishly and you told me if it was what I wanted, then you won't complain, but I'll have to save you a lot of space. I didn't really care about space though, I was over the moon that day, and nothing could bring me down.
I also remember you opening a suspicious looking box when we were almost finished with unpacking, and you found your childhood toys in it. You were pretty embarrassed about it, and stuffed everything into a nearby drawer.
Then, we spent the first night there, cuddling on the couch because you said you were keeping the bed for another time, then winked at me. And you kept your promise about using that bed later on, but I suppose you remember that anyway. You'd always had a knack for being dirty.
Why am I talking about this? I don't know. I guess I just had another sentimental attack.
You may be asking how my first meeting went with this Mrs Green, the one Rose told me about. well, it was alright, I guess. It wasn't anything special, and I didn't notice any differences in my demeanour either, but Rose told me I looked a bit happier when I came out. I think she was bluffing.
And to be honest, I'm not very keen on becoming happier either. I still miss you, you know, and I really don't want to leave your memory behind, and thus, I'm still writing these letters to you.
Actually, talking about our bed made me miss you even more. Every time I go to sleep, I expect you to come and lie down behind me, to wrap your arms around me like you always do, and when you don't, it leaves me emptier and emptier every time.
After my outburst at the funeral, I didn't have any other outbursts of anger. Although, these times I'm starting to think what could have been, about the what ifs, about everything I could've done to save you… And it makes me feel miserable. It's all my fault, isn't it? I could've saved you, if I was at the right place at the right time, but I didn't… I'm a terrible person.
I really don't know what to do now; I feel like nothing helps.
Soon,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
You never told me you were going to propose on that particular night. Of course you didn't, because you wanted to do a proposal, but still.
How do I know about it? Rose told me. She said the Aurors found a ring in your pocket after they found you on the street, with 'To Albus' engraved on the inside. She said she had known about it for weeks, but it was only then that she gathered the strength, became strong enough to tell me about it. She said it was because she was afraid I would break down if she told me earlier.
It didn't matter, because I broke down anyway, but not in front of her. I was first in shock, of course, but as soon as I got home and caught a glimpse of the one photo I still have on my desk about us, together, I felt the tears strolling down my face. It's been long since I last cried, because for the most part, I've been in shock, but this was just too much. I cried for an hour, most likely more on the couch, and I'm still feeling shaky from it.
I remember that when we were nineteen, you made a promise that we would eventually get married, and that we would adopt one or two kids one day, if I wanted, of course. I know it doesn't really matter now, but I would've said yes if you'd gotten home that night and asked me to marry you. I would've said yes, because even though we are both only twenty-three, I was, and I still am ready to take the next big step. Well, we got a funeral of a wedding instead. How ironic.
Dad once told me that the day Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur got married, there was a Death Eater raid on the house, and so many people got killed. It somehow reminds me, except here, the groom was dead before the other groom could've even said yes.
I lost you before you were truly mine, right? Or did you lose me? I guess both.
Rose also told me you were not going to use some cheap jewellery; she told me you probably used most of your inheritance on this one ring. That didn't help with my mood either. Nobody could help with my mood, that much is true, but still. Well, you could probably help. But you're not here. If you were, I wouldn't be writing this letter now. But it's okay; it's becoming normal for me. Writing you every week… at least it gives me something constant in my life, something constant, like once you were to me as well.
Look, the intent to propose was very brave of you. Brave like the Gryffindor you never were, because you were sorted into Ravenclaw. And it was absolutely fitting for you. I'm pretty sure if it was you in my place, you'd know what to do; you always do.
I just wish you were still here, because I still feel empty without you. Maybe that's a side effect of mourning, but I don't really know how much longer I can bear with it. I just want to feel at peace again, I want to feel comfortable with my place in the world when I wake up, but it's so hard to find myself without you.
See you,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
It seems like my memory is slipping. Or maybe I just got too much going on in my head, and the past is kind of resurfacing while I try to deal with my present. And I'm sorry for not writing in two months. I don't know why I stopped so suddenly.
Sometimes images and feelings flash into my mind; you and me, holding a bottle of firewhiskey each on your seventeenth birthday, then me holding the same kind of bottle from two days ago; you with your first – and last – girlfriend – whose name I can't remember to save my life - at Hogwarts, holding hands, then you doing the same with me, after curfew, out on the sixth floor corridor – why the sixth floor, when the Room of Requirement is on the seventh, I'll never know; one minute I'm remembering you reading a terrible poem out to me, and we laugh at it like idiots, then me reading the same book with tears in my eyes, hugging a pillow instead of you. They come and go with every minute, and I don't know what to make of it.
Although, now that I mention it, your seventeenth birthday is one heck of a memory. We snuck down to Hogsmeade with my dad's Invisibility Cloak I borrowed from James, I took you to Three Broomsticks in the middle of the night, and then we started drinking firewhiskey after 2 AM. I wonder how we didn't get kicked out of the pub though, as we were clearly still students, out after curfew, drinking alcohol. Even though both of us were of age at that time already. I remember the two of us laughing a bit louder than appropriate about some silly joke you made, and then there's a big black hole in my memory. I think we went a little overboard that time. I don't even remember how we got back into the castle, and how I ended up with severe burn marks on my arm and seven of my fingernails painted a bright green colour, half-naked, but tucked in safely in my bunk bed. I think that was the strangest morning I've ever had. But not even the Headmistress managed to catch us. Now that's what I call blind luck.
You told me you found yourself in a similar situation in the morning, except you were on the floor instead of your bed, and with a pair of bunny ears. Strange things happen to wizards.
It's really weird. this memory is making me happy, while usually, it should leave me feeling saddened, it should make me sink deeper into the depression I've had since your accident. Well, I still don't talk about that with anyone, so I guess it's not gone yet. But maybe Rose was right; maybe I just needed someone to talk with. That girl… She's a good person.
It's still difficult though, because I'm afraid I'll lose your memory if I don't keep on remembering, and if I don't keep on updating you about what happens to me here. But deep down I know that maybe letting go is the best I could do. I don't want to let go of you, because I still love you, Scor. You'll always remain within me as the most important person in my whole life. But I may have to let go. And when it does happen, I hope you will understand.
Love,
Albus
~oOo~
Hey Scorpius,
I'd like to think you've been waiting for this letter somewhere, watching my desk silently, waiting for me to plop down onto my chair, to pick up my old quill and start scribbling down letters that don't mean much, but they still somehow do.
It's been plenty of years. I still haven't forgotten about you though, no matter how you look at it though. I still think we were once the perfect couple, and you were the best partner I could ever have hoped for. And I still do love you, no matter what. I don't plan on dragging this for too long, but I wanted a proper goodbye.
The days when we were holding hands while walking in the pair, sitting on a bench, feeding the ducks, doing things like any other normal couple would do are over. It all came to an end on that fateful night. And no matter how much time passes, it still hurts, because I know that if I hadn't lost you, we could've led a good life, we would've been happy together, and it still pains me, because I never got to experience it. You never got to experience it either.
But I realized that if I want to move on, then I will have to try to let go of you, and let go of the hope that one day you'll barge into my little apartment and say it was all just a life-long joke and that we could still get married, we could still adopt kids and we could still be happy. And I know, I've always known it won't happen, but there's this stupid hope in my heart, even after all these years.
And I still remember all time we hid in the broom closet at Hogwarts when the Room of Requirement wasn't available, I still remember the days we spent lying in the grass by the Black Lake because we were both too lazy to get up and do some studying before the exams, I still remember the dull weekdays when we would wake up at dawn to head into the ministry because we had to work to make a living. and I still remember our anniversaries. You always gave me something special. It was also special.
And I still remember them. I'll remember them forever. But I have to let go. Rose was right when she said I have to focus on other things instead of sulking. And I still love you, I'll always do, but this is the final goodbye. It's been a ride Scor. And we may meet in the afterlife, and we have the life we had wanted there.
Love,
Albus