Title: [ Welcome to Ohio ]
Author: Firefly Lantern
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Author Note: LOL. No, contrary to what my stories say, I'm not from Ohio. But it is such a great state! This is actually a reverse Mary-Sue in which the Fellowship gets taken to present-day Ohio. Yeah, it's a stupid story, but I just wrote it because I love writing and with college midterms rearing their head, I need something to keep myself sane with! Yeah, I have a test tomorrow, but I'm writing because if I study any more, I'll flip out! Lol.
Disclaimer: JRR owns the LOTR characters. Any other modern things mentioned here belongto the makers, etc.
Oh, and P.S. MOVIE SPOLIERS AHEAD!!!! Avert thine eyes, Never-Ringers! This story is meant to be funny and not taken too seriously. Enjoy!
"Oh my God. I can't believe I still cry when Boromir dies, I've only seen the movie three times." Lily sniffled, mournfully throwing another handful of junior mints into her mouth.
"I know! It's so sad, even though he was a big, creepy Hobbit molester..." Jen whispered, her eyes fixed on the reeling movie screen of the darkened auditorium. The three girls giggled quietly amongst themselves as a loud snore called from the row behind like the bellow of a moose in heat. A chorus of laughter followed from the same row. Lily grit her teeth in annoyance. It was no time to play "What can we do to the sleeping man so he's mortally embarrassed when he wakes up?" when there was a movie to be watched.
"Cripes now! That is the third time so far that guy's let out a snore! First, when the gang was battling the ogre creature-thing, then when Gandalf fell down to shadow... and now THIS!" Sarah snorted. "Those people are ruining the movie!" Jen and Lily nodded in agreement.
"One more snore and he'll be wishing he was pitted against The Balrog instead of facing the fury of krazed fan girls." Jen muttered under her breath. She meant what she said, too.
"H'mmm.... Legolas! He's about to speak!" Lily whimpered, clapped her hands, and held her breath as the lithe elf came on the screen. "There--"
~SNOOOORT-SNFFF-SNORE! SNORT!~
"Be silent, incestuous wretch of a man! Thine manner offends me!!!!" Lily's eye twitched as she leapt from her seat to shout shrilly at the swine. "Everyone here paid good money to see this movie, not to have you yowl in our ears for 3 hours! Show some respect!" She lectured wildly, oblivious to the other forty people in the theatre that applauded loudly and whistled.
"You go, girl!"
"Thank you!"
"Tell that pig to go home!"
"Ow! Hot mamma!"
. . . And some phrase which sounded suspiciouly Elfin rang out. . .
Probably just some lonely JRR geeks.
The man's body twisted in the sudden shock of awakening. His large tub of butter-swimming popcorn tumbled sideways, spilling golden fluffs down the front of his shirt and onto the floor.
"Geez, s-sorry! I-I-I...." He stammered in humiliation. "I just really don't like this movie, it's pretty boring."
"Down, girl!" Sarah and Jen tugged Lily down into her seat before she had the chance to jump into the row behind and throttle the man with her trendy little purse. Suddenly, the atmosphere of the theatre became frigidly hostile toward a certain man covered in Jiffy-puffs. Quickly, he grabbed his coat and waddled his escape as quickly as his legs could carry him. Once more, the audience burst into applause and shouts of joy. The evil foe was vanquished!
"I can't believe you did that!" Jen gaped at Lily, who blushed.
"I know, but he ticked me off so much... This is Sarah's first time seeing the movie, remember."
"Oooooo, her first time!!!" The girls laughed softly so they would not be a disruption.
The remainder of the movie went smoothly, even when Sarah yoinked the last of the junior mints when Jen and Lily were engrossed in the final scene.
"Hey! I don't see how you can be so skinny, considering how much you eat." Jen shook her head in disbelief. Sarah cackled evily.
"Well, I don't see how you can fall asleep during this movie, but it happens!" She retorted.
"Yeah yeah..."
"Oh, my mom's gonna be here in a few minutes to pick us up, guys. Ready to rock out?"
"Yes yes. This movie gets better every time I see it. I never knew Legolas could walk on snow! I mean damn! How could I have missed that?" Jen berated herself as the trio filed through the narrow row of seats and began walking to the theatre exit.
"No worries, I missed it the first time." Lily chuckled. Sarah laughed. The group was so involved in their conversation that they did not notice the clump of shadows lagging behind in the very last row of the room.
"Them..." One melodic voice whispered softly to the others.
"I'm out of Skittles! And Ree-cee's Pee-cees!" A piercing voice whined sorrowfully. Instantly a harsh, hissing SHHHH!!! resounded.
"Quiet, little one. *You have my Milkduds*."
"Come, they leave."
***
"My fave. part? When Legolas does the tightrope act on the troll... Walking up the chain...? Of *course* he is going to be able to walk on snow!" Jen took a deep, needed breath of air and brought her 5 minute rant to a close.
"Yes! I liked Gandalf, I want one of my own!" Sarah and her two best friends walked into the ladies' restroom. "Or at least a big, pointy hat. That was sweet!". Studying her reflection, she smoothed down a stray strand of errant pixie-length bown hair.
"Cack though. What was up with the dirty guy? I mean he was trying to be all rough and manly, but he was just scruffy! Pleck. He needed to shave, or take a bath... *something*, ya know? He seemed like he could have been handsome if you could actually see his face..." Lily smirked. "I guess I am bias because I think Legolas is drool-a-licious. . . But Merry and Pippin were adorable, too. Though I would have left them to the Wraiths..." Lily laughed. Her teasing sense of humour was never to be taken too seriously. A cry escaped from the 3rd stall. It caught Lily's attention.
"Agreed!" Jen trumpeted. "I'm sure they didn't mean it, though."
"Yeah..." Lily replied, not paying full attention to the conversation as she ducked her head down and sideways to look at the pair of feet of the person in the stall. . . They were a pair of large, hairy, Hobbit feet. Her blue eyes widened and she laughed in disbelief. Blinking her eyes, she ducked her head once more.... This time, there were no feet visible. "Jen, see if that stall is locked, I think there is something in there." She whispered, unable to move from her spot.
"Okay, Hugo." Jen replied, using Lily's last name as her nickname. The curly redhead knocked on the door. There was no reply, so she pushed gently on the door. It did not budge. She pushed harder, this time the door swung fully open to reveal nothing but an ordinary stall. An empty stall. "Okaaaay, what was that about?"
"I saw Hobbit feets!" Lily exclaimed. Sarah and Jen chuckled, they knew of the creative follies of their friend. All three girls enjoyed reading books, watching movies, and telling jokes. This was not the first time Lily had joked around about seeing celebrities. Like the time when talking on the AIM, she pretended to have Ridley from the Dungeons and Dragons movie caged in her basement. . .
"Ooo, I bet Frodo is using the One Ring to make himself invisible, so we can't see him! HA HA!" Jen mocked, smiling brightly. "Quick, everyone into trippy Hobbit-weed mode!" She pretended to stumble as if drugged.
"Ah! Silly!" Sarah accused. "Now the 'Wraiths are going to find you!"
"Nah, it's only my mom. She makes the 'Wraiths look like old-school ghoulies." Lily laughed. They exited the restroom. A long piece of toilet paper resting on the floor slithered to life. Like a supernatural, possessed being, it floated and trailed behind them and sped through the jaws of the closing door. The friends sat at one of the benches in the quiet lobby. Only a few people were walking about, besides the vendors and ticket sellers. Jen played with the waxy leaf of a potted plant as Sarah chatted about the latest funny stories from physics class.
"Stay with Mommie, dears." A gentle voice chimed. Lily looked from the corner of her eye to see a very tall, thin woman with a luxuriously long blond braid and an obscuring, ruffled velvet hat who stewarded four toddlers away from the snack bar. She was very elegant in a long, sleek emerald green coat that allowed the tips of her coal black boots to show. Behind her, two men stood dressed in long, black coats. They were probably in their 30's, Lily blinked. The older man of the group had a long wintry. beard the colour of the snow which was falling outside. They must be warm in their long coats, hats, and large boots! Lily bemused.
"But I want candy!" One of the children chimed.
"Shhhh." She soothed. "Be still."
"Gan-pap?" One asked, the epitome of trapping innocence.
"Young sir, do not attempt to fool me with that sort of talk. I am a bitter old man, not a loving grandfather!" He hmphed then sighed in defeat. "Here, you can each have a mint if you behave and don't ask for another thing to eat."
"YES!" Lily heard the children chorus. The old man was lucky to still have any fingers attached, considering how eagerly the little bloodsuckers made a grab for their treat. She shook her head as the group moved from earshot.
"There she is! It's slumber party time!" Sarah cried happily. A small red car screeched to a halt outside the theatre. Home again, home again! Lily and Jen bumped hips in an impromptu dance groove as they stood up. Lily reached to her side for her purse, but it was gone! Panic hit her heart like a hammer. Though the only items in the peasant-stlye hobo bag were a pack of gum, some peanut M&M's, pens and pencils, a day planner, Dr. Pepper lip balm... and her cell phone! She winced. She always seemed to lose that expensive excuse for a walkie-talkie.
"My purse!" She panted, stricken.
"Is this your bag, Miss?" One of the tall men in a long coat and baseball cap offered, holding her bag as if it had wandered into his arms. How the...?
"Y-yes... where?" Lily stuttered, scared of the stranger yet oddly at ease in his presence.
"You left it in the theatre. Such a brave warrioress should not forget her weapon." He smiled. Only the lower half of his face could be seen. Dark crinkly hair which seemed to be trying to masquerade as a beard covered his square chin. It was vaguely familiar....
"Thankies! I hafta run, take care!" She waved quickly.
"Byes!" Sarah called.
"Thanks again!" Jen called happily. "Quick, Hugo. Check to make sure you still have your wallet!" Her tone changed to one of skepticism as the girls went to the car.
"Thanks again!" Jen called happily. "Quick, Hugo. Check to make sure you still have your wallet!" Her tone changed to one of skepticism as the girls went to the car.
"Wow, it's all here... Except for my bag of M&M's... and the crayons I ordered that Wendy's kid's meal last week..." Lily laughed in embarrassment.
"You're 18 years old? I don't see how anyone can be so mature yet such a giggle-head at the same time!" Sarah whistled.
"I just like to have fun. Responsibly!" Lily laughed in defense.
"You dream too much, Lily." Her mother jibbed from the driver's seat. Mrs. Hugo could not drive well even when she WASN'T nagging her daughter. The car switched gears with a jarring jerk and the girls were thrown back against their seats. The happy joy dissolved from Lily's face for a moment.
"I know, at least I'm happy and don't need to spoil other people's good moods!" She sniffed somewhat indignantly, though not cruelly.
"Don't worry about it, Legolas still loves you!" Jen whispered conspiringly. The girls giggled merrily.
***
The navy blue Ford Explorer pulled out from the bright neon-lit parking lot of the movie theatre. Keen ice-blue eyes waited for the opportunity to merge into traffic as if he were watching for a moment to attack.
"Get down, Merry! We don't have child seats in this car!" Boromir shook his fist half-heartedly at one of the four Hobbits seated in the back of the vehicle. Boromir's eyebrow quirked, "What are you drawing on? Toilet paper? Where did you get those crayons?!" Four sets of large, innocent eyes blinked in unison as Frodo tugged at the piece of toilet paper still stuck to his foot. Merry drew a green apple, Pippin drew blue ocean waves, and Sam drew a large yellow sun. "I don't want to know..."
"Good thing this is an SUV. Perhaps there should be commercials about Hobbit-storage space in the back? Why, we could fit at least 5 more of us comfortably here. My precious!" Sam purred, petting the soft tan carpeting.
"The fiery-tempered girl saw me in the restroom, Aragon. I was not quick enough with the ring, and even after I put it on, they joked of my presence! I do not understand..." Frodo's youthful brow furrowed in thought as he called to one of the men up front, "I was invisible."
"Don't under-estimate womanly intuition, my boy." The old man interjected hoarsely. "Or teenage young ladies, for that matter. They will get you every time! The very devil they are!" He chuckled, lost in memories of his own youth.
"Merry, where did you get those M&M's? Why aren't you sharing, my friendly Brandybuck!"
"I...found these. Mine!" Merry giggled and Pippin pounced. As they wrestled, the bag of coloured candies flew from Merry's greedy hands. The littluns watched in gleeful fascination as the yellow bag arced through the air--spilling candies as it spun directly for the driver's head. Legolas' shoulders tensed as the blow he was expecting smacked his velveteen hat. The bag clung upside down to the soft material and spilled candies down the driver's hunched back. His white-knuckled hands did not leave the steering wheel.
"Aragorn, surely this woman is mad! She drives as if the Balrog were chasing her." Legolas commented to Aragorn's ears only. The red car in front of them erratically swerved to the left, then to the right. "Gods, I itch." His beautiful Elfin face wrinkled into a grimace as he reached to scratch the peaked point of one of his ears. "Cursed hat." He muttered a few choice words in Elvish [yeah, I know they speak Quenya or whatever, but that's okay!].
"Are you sure these... girls can help us get back to our world?" Boromir questioned, slightly skeptical. "There doesn't appear to be anything obviously magical about them..."
"We can only hope." Gandalf replied, lighting his pipe.
"Roll down your window if you are going to smoke in my SUV." Legolas chided. "There are Hobbits present and I wish the air to be as clean as possible without any more pollution choking our lungs."
"Yes, mother."
*** "GO BABY, GO!" Sarah screamed at the television. She was in first place in the racing game. Lily bit her lip and Jen wildly mashed her fingers against the controller in an attempt to control her skidding racecar.
"Arggggh!" Jen groaned, throwing her hands into the air in a gesture of frustration. "I give up! I need more snackage. Any suggestions?"
"H'mmm... something tall, blonde, and Elfy..." Lily replied, her attention was focused on attempting to ram Sarah's car off the racetrack.
"Yummy!" Jen cooed. "Be back in a minute, with some lovin' from the oven!"
"Girls, don't stay up to late. You know how Lily is susceptible to sniffles..." Mrs. Hugo called from the top of the stairwell. "Lily, your father and your brother are asleep, try not to make too much noise! Goodnight."
"Night, Mom!"
"Night, Mrs. Hugo!" The two girls giggled.
"Oh...My...God. Guys, there's something in the kitchen I want you to see. . . " Jen's face was pale as she walked quietly into the living room.
"What is it?" Sarah questioned.
"HUGGLES!!!" A lilting voice chirped. Before anyone knew what was happening, some sort of small creature ran from behind Jen... straight for Lily!
"What the h--" She gasped as the creature tackled, knocking her to the floor. All breath left her lungs. Choking for air, Lily nearly died of shock. Sprawled smugly on her stomach and smiling all too wide was the disheveled and sparkling face of Peregrin Took.
"Hey there, pretty lady!" Was all he said before pouncing forward to steal a quick kiss from her lips.
"Ga..ba..miji..ba..bu!" Lily stammered nonsense syllables, unable to speak. "He..sha..boo.." Taking advantage of her still-shocked state, Pippin leaned forward once more...
"Get off me! Ack!" Lily shrieked, pushing him firmly but not roughly while she clambered to her feet. Pippin latched on to her jean-clad leg.
"A gift, for you!" He pleaded, placing a braided leather necklace with a dangling red-stoned pendant into her hand.
"Jen... What..." Sarah, Lily, and Jen could only stare blankly at one another.
"Young Hobbit! Behave yourself!" Gandalf gruffed, walking his slow and sauntering gait into the living room. He fell tiredly onto the loveseat.
"Come." Legolas motioned his hand as he walked gracefully into the room. Sam, Merry, Frodo, Boromir, and Aragorn followed.
"Oh my..." Sarah ogled.
"Pretty ladies!!!" Merry cried ecstatically, setting his sights on the petite Sarah. Her green eyes widened like a doe caught in oncoming headlights. As he scurried toward her, she reached onto the endtable, grabbed a magazine, rolled it up, and waved it in warning.
"Oh no you DON'T, little man!" As if dueling, she poked at him with the makeshift rapier.
"... I see Hobbits... ..." Lily whispered in a low, breathy voice. "Okay, someone put crack in the cookies... Oh goodness. I knew I was insane. I just didn't know how much." Lily murmured; Pippin squeezed her knee. "Stop that! "Wait, isn't Billy Boyd taller in real life? You're... really a Hobbit. Or are you just very...short?"
"Yeah, Elijah Wood isn't a midg-er-Hobbit, either.." Jen corrected herself in time.
"We aren't actors, Mistress. We aren't from your world." Aragorn explained as Lily and Jen sat on the couch.
"So... These are actual HOBBITS?!" Lily squeaked.
"Yes." Boromir replied, aghast.
"You are SO CUUUUUTE!" A squeal erupted from Lily as she gathered Pippin into her arms and hugged him tightly. She petted and fluffed his mass of soft, curling hair affectionately. He blushed.
"But, how is this possible? You are fictional characters from a book which was converted into a movie with *human* actors." Sarah thwapped Merry across the head with the rolled-up magazine. He whimpered and slumped away.
"Yes... about that ... We are real flesh-and-blood, we are alive! Though in your world we exist only in a movie. . ." Aragorn explained.
"Well, you sure seem to know a heck of a lot about this world, buddy." Jen said accusingly. "How did you get here?"
"It's the little ones' faults." Boromir snorted. His face softened. "They tried to use Gandalf's staff to cast a spell, and somehow they opened a portal into this world." Boromir coughed. [Ouch, sorry, I'm being unoriginal today ^__^]
"Oh... that's all?" Sarah chuckled nervously. "How long have you been here, and why were you raiding the kitchen???"
"We've been in the state of Ohio for three weeks searching for you. Your world is a strange, strange place. Luckily for us, after we fell through the portal and wandered the woods for several days, we were taken into the home of the Sisters and Brothers of the Celestial Silver Moon. They mistook Legolas as the second coming of some man named Jesus, so they gave us all kinds of nice things... Money, jewels, a car... ... Such hospitality!!!" Gandalf chuckled to himself. Sarah paled. Lily coughed. Jen whimpered.
"You mean a CULT?!" Jen squeaked. "You were CULT leaders? Those aren't nice people at all, they're crazy mofos!"
"Aye." Boromir nodded. "Quite trifling indeed."
"But why were you searching for us?" Lily questioned. Pippin rested his head in her lap and cooed.
"Pippin's amulet led us to you. It spoke to me." Legolas said in his dreamy, soft, accented voice. Sarah and Jen giggled.
"This?" Lily held up the necklace.
"It said you were our only hope of returning to our own world."
"OOooooooOOOooOooo!" The girls ooohed in unison.
"Sorry. That doesn't say much if WE are your only hope." Sarah snipped. "Er... not that there is anything wrong with us... it's just that we don't know how to help you."
"Marry me!" Pippin exclaimed, jumping from Lily's lap and standing on bended knee.
"YOUNG HOBBIT! FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf thundered.
"SHHHHHH!" The hiss was deafening. But the thump thump of footsteps on the second floor above them was heard clearly.
"Gandalf! You fool of a wizard!" Pippin hissed.
"Everybody... hide! Or something!" Jen shouted, throwing a blanket over Merry and Frodo. Pippin dove beneath the computer desk.
"Great, just what my mom needs to see... Four grown men waltzing around the living room. Well, at least everyone is in nomal clothes and Legolas isn't wearing his tights... Quick! Do something!" Lily pleaded. Frodo nodded and put on the One Ring. Gandalf murmured magical words to himself and tapped his staff lightly on the floor three times. The wizard, Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn instantly became invisible.
"Girls! What was that? Did I hear a man's voice?" Mrs. Hugo yodeled from the top of the stairs.
"Um... Sarah just sat on the tv remote. Sorry!" Lily whispered quickly.
"Okay! Just keep the noise down, ladies. Goodnight." Mrs. Hugo shook her head and walked back upstairs. Several minutes passed before anyone spoke again.
"Marry me!" Pippin squeaked, launching himself at Lily. "You'll feed me and love me, won't you?"
"Peregrin Took! Behave yourself!" Frodo scolded, taking off the ring.
"Honey, is it safe to put that thing on in this world?" Sarah asked and pointed to the ring. "Nobody needs to go power-happy here."
"Wait... can the evil guy still sense the Ring's presence? Is anything after you? Oh, say 9 big scary undead yet living kings?" Lily kept pushing Pippin away she spoke.
"Leave the lady alone, Merry." Legolas stalked across the room and placed a hand lightly on the Hobbit's shoulder. Was that a warning glint in his blue, Elfin eyes? Lily's heart fluttered.
"Aye... " Pippin nodded like a small child.
"The only way we would be in danger is if the Wraiths followed us through the portal." Aragorn added. "In this world, the Ring's power is very weak. It is a wonder it can even turn Frodo invisible."
"Well, yes, but still... If you can come here, so can the baddies." Lily rationalized. "Are we in danger?"
Author Note: LOL. No, contrary to what my stories say, I'm not from Ohio. But it is such a great state! This is actually a reverse Mary-Sue in which the Fellowship gets taken to present-day Ohio. Yeah, it's a stupid story, but I just wrote it because I love writing and with college midterms rearing their head, I need something to keep myself sane with! Yeah, I have a test tomorrow, but I'm writing because if I study any more, I'll flip out! Lol.
Disclaimer: JRR owns the LOTR characters. Any other modern things mentioned here belongto the makers, etc.
Oh, and P.S. MOVIE SPOLIERS AHEAD!!!! Avert thine eyes, Never-Ringers! This story is meant to be funny and not taken too seriously. Enjoy!
"Oh my God. I can't believe I still cry when Boromir dies, I've only seen the movie three times." Lily sniffled, mournfully throwing another handful of junior mints into her mouth.
"I know! It's so sad, even though he was a big, creepy Hobbit molester..." Jen whispered, her eyes fixed on the reeling movie screen of the darkened auditorium. The three girls giggled quietly amongst themselves as a loud snore called from the row behind like the bellow of a moose in heat. A chorus of laughter followed from the same row. Lily grit her teeth in annoyance. It was no time to play "What can we do to the sleeping man so he's mortally embarrassed when he wakes up?" when there was a movie to be watched.
"Cripes now! That is the third time so far that guy's let out a snore! First, when the gang was battling the ogre creature-thing, then when Gandalf fell down to shadow... and now THIS!" Sarah snorted. "Those people are ruining the movie!" Jen and Lily nodded in agreement.
"One more snore and he'll be wishing he was pitted against The Balrog instead of facing the fury of krazed fan girls." Jen muttered under her breath. She meant what she said, too.
"H'mmm.... Legolas! He's about to speak!" Lily whimpered, clapped her hands, and held her breath as the lithe elf came on the screen. "There--"
~SNOOOORT-SNFFF-SNORE! SNORT!~
"Be silent, incestuous wretch of a man! Thine manner offends me!!!!" Lily's eye twitched as she leapt from her seat to shout shrilly at the swine. "Everyone here paid good money to see this movie, not to have you yowl in our ears for 3 hours! Show some respect!" She lectured wildly, oblivious to the other forty people in the theatre that applauded loudly and whistled.
"You go, girl!"
"Thank you!"
"Tell that pig to go home!"
"Ow! Hot mamma!"
. . . And some phrase which sounded suspiciouly Elfin rang out. . .
Probably just some lonely JRR geeks.
The man's body twisted in the sudden shock of awakening. His large tub of butter-swimming popcorn tumbled sideways, spilling golden fluffs down the front of his shirt and onto the floor.
"Geez, s-sorry! I-I-I...." He stammered in humiliation. "I just really don't like this movie, it's pretty boring."
"Down, girl!" Sarah and Jen tugged Lily down into her seat before she had the chance to jump into the row behind and throttle the man with her trendy little purse. Suddenly, the atmosphere of the theatre became frigidly hostile toward a certain man covered in Jiffy-puffs. Quickly, he grabbed his coat and waddled his escape as quickly as his legs could carry him. Once more, the audience burst into applause and shouts of joy. The evil foe was vanquished!
"I can't believe you did that!" Jen gaped at Lily, who blushed.
"I know, but he ticked me off so much... This is Sarah's first time seeing the movie, remember."
"Oooooo, her first time!!!" The girls laughed softly so they would not be a disruption.
The remainder of the movie went smoothly, even when Sarah yoinked the last of the junior mints when Jen and Lily were engrossed in the final scene.
"Hey! I don't see how you can be so skinny, considering how much you eat." Jen shook her head in disbelief. Sarah cackled evily.
"Well, I don't see how you can fall asleep during this movie, but it happens!" She retorted.
"Yeah yeah..."
"Oh, my mom's gonna be here in a few minutes to pick us up, guys. Ready to rock out?"
"Yes yes. This movie gets better every time I see it. I never knew Legolas could walk on snow! I mean damn! How could I have missed that?" Jen berated herself as the trio filed through the narrow row of seats and began walking to the theatre exit.
"No worries, I missed it the first time." Lily chuckled. Sarah laughed. The group was so involved in their conversation that they did not notice the clump of shadows lagging behind in the very last row of the room.
"Them..." One melodic voice whispered softly to the others.
"I'm out of Skittles! And Ree-cee's Pee-cees!" A piercing voice whined sorrowfully. Instantly a harsh, hissing SHHHH!!! resounded.
"Quiet, little one. *You have my Milkduds*."
"Come, they leave."
***
"My fave. part? When Legolas does the tightrope act on the troll... Walking up the chain...? Of *course* he is going to be able to walk on snow!" Jen took a deep, needed breath of air and brought her 5 minute rant to a close.
"Yes! I liked Gandalf, I want one of my own!" Sarah and her two best friends walked into the ladies' restroom. "Or at least a big, pointy hat. That was sweet!". Studying her reflection, she smoothed down a stray strand of errant pixie-length bown hair.
"Cack though. What was up with the dirty guy? I mean he was trying to be all rough and manly, but he was just scruffy! Pleck. He needed to shave, or take a bath... *something*, ya know? He seemed like he could have been handsome if you could actually see his face..." Lily smirked. "I guess I am bias because I think Legolas is drool-a-licious. . . But Merry and Pippin were adorable, too. Though I would have left them to the Wraiths..." Lily laughed. Her teasing sense of humour was never to be taken too seriously. A cry escaped from the 3rd stall. It caught Lily's attention.
"Agreed!" Jen trumpeted. "I'm sure they didn't mean it, though."
"Yeah..." Lily replied, not paying full attention to the conversation as she ducked her head down and sideways to look at the pair of feet of the person in the stall. . . They were a pair of large, hairy, Hobbit feet. Her blue eyes widened and she laughed in disbelief. Blinking her eyes, she ducked her head once more.... This time, there were no feet visible. "Jen, see if that stall is locked, I think there is something in there." She whispered, unable to move from her spot.
"Okay, Hugo." Jen replied, using Lily's last name as her nickname. The curly redhead knocked on the door. There was no reply, so she pushed gently on the door. It did not budge. She pushed harder, this time the door swung fully open to reveal nothing but an ordinary stall. An empty stall. "Okaaaay, what was that about?"
"I saw Hobbit feets!" Lily exclaimed. Sarah and Jen chuckled, they knew of the creative follies of their friend. All three girls enjoyed reading books, watching movies, and telling jokes. This was not the first time Lily had joked around about seeing celebrities. Like the time when talking on the AIM, she pretended to have Ridley from the Dungeons and Dragons movie caged in her basement. . .
"Ooo, I bet Frodo is using the One Ring to make himself invisible, so we can't see him! HA HA!" Jen mocked, smiling brightly. "Quick, everyone into trippy Hobbit-weed mode!" She pretended to stumble as if drugged.
"Ah! Silly!" Sarah accused. "Now the 'Wraiths are going to find you!"
"Nah, it's only my mom. She makes the 'Wraiths look like old-school ghoulies." Lily laughed. They exited the restroom. A long piece of toilet paper resting on the floor slithered to life. Like a supernatural, possessed being, it floated and trailed behind them and sped through the jaws of the closing door. The friends sat at one of the benches in the quiet lobby. Only a few people were walking about, besides the vendors and ticket sellers. Jen played with the waxy leaf of a potted plant as Sarah chatted about the latest funny stories from physics class.
"Stay with Mommie, dears." A gentle voice chimed. Lily looked from the corner of her eye to see a very tall, thin woman with a luxuriously long blond braid and an obscuring, ruffled velvet hat who stewarded four toddlers away from the snack bar. She was very elegant in a long, sleek emerald green coat that allowed the tips of her coal black boots to show. Behind her, two men stood dressed in long, black coats. They were probably in their 30's, Lily blinked. The older man of the group had a long wintry. beard the colour of the snow which was falling outside. They must be warm in their long coats, hats, and large boots! Lily bemused.
"But I want candy!" One of the children chimed.
"Shhhh." She soothed. "Be still."
"Gan-pap?" One asked, the epitome of trapping innocence.
"Young sir, do not attempt to fool me with that sort of talk. I am a bitter old man, not a loving grandfather!" He hmphed then sighed in defeat. "Here, you can each have a mint if you behave and don't ask for another thing to eat."
"YES!" Lily heard the children chorus. The old man was lucky to still have any fingers attached, considering how eagerly the little bloodsuckers made a grab for their treat. She shook her head as the group moved from earshot.
"There she is! It's slumber party time!" Sarah cried happily. A small red car screeched to a halt outside the theatre. Home again, home again! Lily and Jen bumped hips in an impromptu dance groove as they stood up. Lily reached to her side for her purse, but it was gone! Panic hit her heart like a hammer. Though the only items in the peasant-stlye hobo bag were a pack of gum, some peanut M&M's, pens and pencils, a day planner, Dr. Pepper lip balm... and her cell phone! She winced. She always seemed to lose that expensive excuse for a walkie-talkie.
"My purse!" She panted, stricken.
"Is this your bag, Miss?" One of the tall men in a long coat and baseball cap offered, holding her bag as if it had wandered into his arms. How the...?
"Y-yes... where?" Lily stuttered, scared of the stranger yet oddly at ease in his presence.
"You left it in the theatre. Such a brave warrioress should not forget her weapon." He smiled. Only the lower half of his face could be seen. Dark crinkly hair which seemed to be trying to masquerade as a beard covered his square chin. It was vaguely familiar....
"Thankies! I hafta run, take care!" She waved quickly.
"Byes!" Sarah called.
"Thanks again!" Jen called happily. "Quick, Hugo. Check to make sure you still have your wallet!" Her tone changed to one of skepticism as the girls went to the car.
"Thanks again!" Jen called happily. "Quick, Hugo. Check to make sure you still have your wallet!" Her tone changed to one of skepticism as the girls went to the car.
"Wow, it's all here... Except for my bag of M&M's... and the crayons I ordered that Wendy's kid's meal last week..." Lily laughed in embarrassment.
"You're 18 years old? I don't see how anyone can be so mature yet such a giggle-head at the same time!" Sarah whistled.
"I just like to have fun. Responsibly!" Lily laughed in defense.
"You dream too much, Lily." Her mother jibbed from the driver's seat. Mrs. Hugo could not drive well even when she WASN'T nagging her daughter. The car switched gears with a jarring jerk and the girls were thrown back against their seats. The happy joy dissolved from Lily's face for a moment.
"I know, at least I'm happy and don't need to spoil other people's good moods!" She sniffed somewhat indignantly, though not cruelly.
"Don't worry about it, Legolas still loves you!" Jen whispered conspiringly. The girls giggled merrily.
***
The navy blue Ford Explorer pulled out from the bright neon-lit parking lot of the movie theatre. Keen ice-blue eyes waited for the opportunity to merge into traffic as if he were watching for a moment to attack.
"Get down, Merry! We don't have child seats in this car!" Boromir shook his fist half-heartedly at one of the four Hobbits seated in the back of the vehicle. Boromir's eyebrow quirked, "What are you drawing on? Toilet paper? Where did you get those crayons?!" Four sets of large, innocent eyes blinked in unison as Frodo tugged at the piece of toilet paper still stuck to his foot. Merry drew a green apple, Pippin drew blue ocean waves, and Sam drew a large yellow sun. "I don't want to know..."
"Good thing this is an SUV. Perhaps there should be commercials about Hobbit-storage space in the back? Why, we could fit at least 5 more of us comfortably here. My precious!" Sam purred, petting the soft tan carpeting.
"The fiery-tempered girl saw me in the restroom, Aragon. I was not quick enough with the ring, and even after I put it on, they joked of my presence! I do not understand..." Frodo's youthful brow furrowed in thought as he called to one of the men up front, "I was invisible."
"Don't under-estimate womanly intuition, my boy." The old man interjected hoarsely. "Or teenage young ladies, for that matter. They will get you every time! The very devil they are!" He chuckled, lost in memories of his own youth.
"Merry, where did you get those M&M's? Why aren't you sharing, my friendly Brandybuck!"
"I...found these. Mine!" Merry giggled and Pippin pounced. As they wrestled, the bag of coloured candies flew from Merry's greedy hands. The littluns watched in gleeful fascination as the yellow bag arced through the air--spilling candies as it spun directly for the driver's head. Legolas' shoulders tensed as the blow he was expecting smacked his velveteen hat. The bag clung upside down to the soft material and spilled candies down the driver's hunched back. His white-knuckled hands did not leave the steering wheel.
"Aragorn, surely this woman is mad! She drives as if the Balrog were chasing her." Legolas commented to Aragorn's ears only. The red car in front of them erratically swerved to the left, then to the right. "Gods, I itch." His beautiful Elfin face wrinkled into a grimace as he reached to scratch the peaked point of one of his ears. "Cursed hat." He muttered a few choice words in Elvish [yeah, I know they speak Quenya or whatever, but that's okay!].
"Are you sure these... girls can help us get back to our world?" Boromir questioned, slightly skeptical. "There doesn't appear to be anything obviously magical about them..."
"We can only hope." Gandalf replied, lighting his pipe.
"Roll down your window if you are going to smoke in my SUV." Legolas chided. "There are Hobbits present and I wish the air to be as clean as possible without any more pollution choking our lungs."
"Yes, mother."
*** "GO BABY, GO!" Sarah screamed at the television. She was in first place in the racing game. Lily bit her lip and Jen wildly mashed her fingers against the controller in an attempt to control her skidding racecar.
"Arggggh!" Jen groaned, throwing her hands into the air in a gesture of frustration. "I give up! I need more snackage. Any suggestions?"
"H'mmm... something tall, blonde, and Elfy..." Lily replied, her attention was focused on attempting to ram Sarah's car off the racetrack.
"Yummy!" Jen cooed. "Be back in a minute, with some lovin' from the oven!"
"Girls, don't stay up to late. You know how Lily is susceptible to sniffles..." Mrs. Hugo called from the top of the stairwell. "Lily, your father and your brother are asleep, try not to make too much noise! Goodnight."
"Night, Mom!"
"Night, Mrs. Hugo!" The two girls giggled.
"Oh...My...God. Guys, there's something in the kitchen I want you to see. . . " Jen's face was pale as she walked quietly into the living room.
"What is it?" Sarah questioned.
"HUGGLES!!!" A lilting voice chirped. Before anyone knew what was happening, some sort of small creature ran from behind Jen... straight for Lily!
"What the h--" She gasped as the creature tackled, knocking her to the floor. All breath left her lungs. Choking for air, Lily nearly died of shock. Sprawled smugly on her stomach and smiling all too wide was the disheveled and sparkling face of Peregrin Took.
"Hey there, pretty lady!" Was all he said before pouncing forward to steal a quick kiss from her lips.
"Ga..ba..miji..ba..bu!" Lily stammered nonsense syllables, unable to speak. "He..sha..boo.." Taking advantage of her still-shocked state, Pippin leaned forward once more...
"Get off me! Ack!" Lily shrieked, pushing him firmly but not roughly while she clambered to her feet. Pippin latched on to her jean-clad leg.
"A gift, for you!" He pleaded, placing a braided leather necklace with a dangling red-stoned pendant into her hand.
"Jen... What..." Sarah, Lily, and Jen could only stare blankly at one another.
"Young Hobbit! Behave yourself!" Gandalf gruffed, walking his slow and sauntering gait into the living room. He fell tiredly onto the loveseat.
"Come." Legolas motioned his hand as he walked gracefully into the room. Sam, Merry, Frodo, Boromir, and Aragorn followed.
"Oh my..." Sarah ogled.
"Pretty ladies!!!" Merry cried ecstatically, setting his sights on the petite Sarah. Her green eyes widened like a doe caught in oncoming headlights. As he scurried toward her, she reached onto the endtable, grabbed a magazine, rolled it up, and waved it in warning.
"Oh no you DON'T, little man!" As if dueling, she poked at him with the makeshift rapier.
"... I see Hobbits... ..." Lily whispered in a low, breathy voice. "Okay, someone put crack in the cookies... Oh goodness. I knew I was insane. I just didn't know how much." Lily murmured; Pippin squeezed her knee. "Stop that! "Wait, isn't Billy Boyd taller in real life? You're... really a Hobbit. Or are you just very...short?"
"Yeah, Elijah Wood isn't a midg-er-Hobbit, either.." Jen corrected herself in time.
"We aren't actors, Mistress. We aren't from your world." Aragorn explained as Lily and Jen sat on the couch.
"So... These are actual HOBBITS?!" Lily squeaked.
"Yes." Boromir replied, aghast.
"You are SO CUUUUUTE!" A squeal erupted from Lily as she gathered Pippin into her arms and hugged him tightly. She petted and fluffed his mass of soft, curling hair affectionately. He blushed.
"But, how is this possible? You are fictional characters from a book which was converted into a movie with *human* actors." Sarah thwapped Merry across the head with the rolled-up magazine. He whimpered and slumped away.
"Yes... about that ... We are real flesh-and-blood, we are alive! Though in your world we exist only in a movie. . ." Aragorn explained.
"Well, you sure seem to know a heck of a lot about this world, buddy." Jen said accusingly. "How did you get here?"
"It's the little ones' faults." Boromir snorted. His face softened. "They tried to use Gandalf's staff to cast a spell, and somehow they opened a portal into this world." Boromir coughed. [Ouch, sorry, I'm being unoriginal today ^__^]
"Oh... that's all?" Sarah chuckled nervously. "How long have you been here, and why were you raiding the kitchen???"
"We've been in the state of Ohio for three weeks searching for you. Your world is a strange, strange place. Luckily for us, after we fell through the portal and wandered the woods for several days, we were taken into the home of the Sisters and Brothers of the Celestial Silver Moon. They mistook Legolas as the second coming of some man named Jesus, so they gave us all kinds of nice things... Money, jewels, a car... ... Such hospitality!!!" Gandalf chuckled to himself. Sarah paled. Lily coughed. Jen whimpered.
"You mean a CULT?!" Jen squeaked. "You were CULT leaders? Those aren't nice people at all, they're crazy mofos!"
"Aye." Boromir nodded. "Quite trifling indeed."
"But why were you searching for us?" Lily questioned. Pippin rested his head in her lap and cooed.
"Pippin's amulet led us to you. It spoke to me." Legolas said in his dreamy, soft, accented voice. Sarah and Jen giggled.
"This?" Lily held up the necklace.
"It said you were our only hope of returning to our own world."
"OOooooooOOOooOooo!" The girls ooohed in unison.
"Sorry. That doesn't say much if WE are your only hope." Sarah snipped. "Er... not that there is anything wrong with us... it's just that we don't know how to help you."
"Marry me!" Pippin exclaimed, jumping from Lily's lap and standing on bended knee.
"YOUNG HOBBIT! FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf thundered.
"SHHHHHH!" The hiss was deafening. But the thump thump of footsteps on the second floor above them was heard clearly.
"Gandalf! You fool of a wizard!" Pippin hissed.
"Everybody... hide! Or something!" Jen shouted, throwing a blanket over Merry and Frodo. Pippin dove beneath the computer desk.
"Great, just what my mom needs to see... Four grown men waltzing around the living room. Well, at least everyone is in nomal clothes and Legolas isn't wearing his tights... Quick! Do something!" Lily pleaded. Frodo nodded and put on the One Ring. Gandalf murmured magical words to himself and tapped his staff lightly on the floor three times. The wizard, Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn instantly became invisible.
"Girls! What was that? Did I hear a man's voice?" Mrs. Hugo yodeled from the top of the stairs.
"Um... Sarah just sat on the tv remote. Sorry!" Lily whispered quickly.
"Okay! Just keep the noise down, ladies. Goodnight." Mrs. Hugo shook her head and walked back upstairs. Several minutes passed before anyone spoke again.
"Marry me!" Pippin squeaked, launching himself at Lily. "You'll feed me and love me, won't you?"
"Peregrin Took! Behave yourself!" Frodo scolded, taking off the ring.
"Honey, is it safe to put that thing on in this world?" Sarah asked and pointed to the ring. "Nobody needs to go power-happy here."
"Wait... can the evil guy still sense the Ring's presence? Is anything after you? Oh, say 9 big scary undead yet living kings?" Lily kept pushing Pippin away she spoke.
"Leave the lady alone, Merry." Legolas stalked across the room and placed a hand lightly on the Hobbit's shoulder. Was that a warning glint in his blue, Elfin eyes? Lily's heart fluttered.
"Aye... " Pippin nodded like a small child.
"The only way we would be in danger is if the Wraiths followed us through the portal." Aragorn added. "In this world, the Ring's power is very weak. It is a wonder it can even turn Frodo invisible."
"Well, yes, but still... If you can come here, so can the baddies." Lily rationalized. "Are we in danger?"