It was the first night of October, I could feel the chill in the air settling in for what promised to be a long winter. I ran my hands up and down my arms, struggling to soothe the goose bumps that were pricking to the surface. I sighed as I looked at my open window before walking over and closing it. Edward was gone hunting for the weekend and while I felt a familiar ache at the loss of him, it was merely an echo of the tormented, lost feeling I had felt before we returned from Italy. I closed the window securely, grateful for once to not have my icebox lying next to me on a night like tonight. What I need tonight is a space heater, I thought absent-mindedly to myself. I hurried into my closet, grabbing an old, well-worn shirt, and of course, my flannel pajama bottoms, slipping them on quickly before throwing back my comforter and quickly slipping into bed. I nestled down into my covers, stretching my toes and trying to warm up my still-too-cool sheets. I sighed contentedly as I lay there, too cold to sleep. Well, I mused to myself, with Edward gone, this chill in the air, and time on my hands, I could think of a way to warm myself up…I sighed as I felt my heartbeat begin to quicken in anticipation of my musings. I gently and slowly eased my hand down to rub my chest through my soft shirt. I felt my eyes flutter shut as my other hand went down to gently stroke myself through my bottoms. I searched my mind for the right moment to get my imagination as engaged in this as my body was. It settled on a brief moment in our meadow, Edward hovering over me, his lips gently massaging mine; cool velvet over my delicate skin, my breath increasing and becoming ragged. I slipped my fingers under my shirt and began to play with my breast as I remembered the way Edward's cool fingers ran up and down my side, his thumb pausing to gently graze back and forth across the small strip of skin that peeked out between my shirt and jeans. I remembered the way his icy fingers splayed across my lower stomach under my shirt before I felt a chill interrupt my memories. "That won't do" I thought, "I need a warmer memory." I searched my mind until it came upon our last night in Italy. After Alice and I rescued Edward, we stayed the night at a private hotel. I remembered Edward taking me for a sunset walk through the city when we came upon a piazza. He led me to the side of the fountain, a smirk on his face as we leaned against the copper railing surrounding it. Edward looked at me with his burning gaze, and I felt my knees tremble. He leaned down towards me ever so slowly, his eyes on my lips, as he passionately kissed me. I felt his hips press me up against the bronze rail, still warm from the day's intense sunshine and I sighed into his mouth. I moaned quietly in my bed as I felt the heat from that day surround me and my fingers quickly resumed their tasks. My mind vividly recalled the moment as Edward cupped my face with his hand, bringing me ever closer to him, and I felt the chill return to my body. I sighed, exasperated, as my hands were forced to stop again. My eyes flew open angrily. "Ok, not that one either…" I forced myself to breathe deeply as I searched for another memory. Yes Bella, a WARM memory of the vampire boyfriend…? I knew the one I wanted to use, how many weeks had I been replaying it in my head now? I knew who had the warmth my body so desperately needed, had needed so often lately. The heat that, once experienced, seemed as though my every molecule needed it to live. I found myself craving it more with each passing day despite my conscious insistence that the cold was enough, will be enough, HAS to be enough…"No." I told myself, "Absolutely not." I could not think that name. I would not. I had not for a week now, and every day without it felt like an eternity. I bit my lip, "He doesn't have to know, no one has to know, maybe just this once…" I whispered quietly. JACOB. I allowed my mind to think it, and it practically screamed it at me. "Jacob…" I allowed it to drop from my lips, "My Jacob…" I allowed myself the pleasure of replaying that memory, one last time. Who was I kidding? There wouldn't be a last time with Jacob, there couldn't be. I had begun to feel the inexplicable tie between us that he had mentioned ever since our kiss on the mountain. Our kiss on the mountain…I sighed and allowed my eyes to close gently once again. I remembered the way he felt in the tent, I involuntarily shivered at the cold that night brought to mind, all smooth skin and lean muscle, pressed snugly against me. Feeling so supernaturally strong, yet so…human. I felt his breath, hot against the nape of my neck as his warmth went straight to my core, warming me from the inside out. I moaned contentedly, THIS was the heat I needed. My fingers danced lightly over my nipples as my other hand slipped quickly under my underwear to play with my warm folds that were growing slicker by the minute. I thought of Jacob's large, warm arm, wrapped so protectively around me, yet so innocently, like a small child gripping his favorite toy. I remembered the feeling of his obvious arousal as he drifted off to sleep, and, though Edward was in the tent, I was too warm, content, and elated to get that reaction out of someone (although startled that it was Jacob, My Jacob) to even contemplate caring. At the thought of Jacob's arousal, my fingers worked quicker, pinching my nipples and quickly rubbing my bud. I gasped quietly, Charlie was home after all and waking him would be more than mortifying. Desperate for another fantasy to help me find release, my mind quickly jumped to the memory of our kiss. My mind took me back as though it was yesterday, the shimmering white of the freshly fallen snow, the cool crispness in the air, the warm sun shining down on my pale skin, but most clearly, the heat I felt when his lips met mine. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like my entire body was on fire and I could not get enough of it. The way his hands ran down my sides until they reached that spot on my lower back, rubbing up and under my shirt and pulling me as close as I could get, but still not close enough, never close enough. The feeling of his hands, big, but rough and strong, not cool and smooth like the ones I was used to feeling, these hands felt used, weathered, lived-in. My thoughts traveled back to the feeling of his lips on mine, a feeling that was at first so foreign but quickly became so…easy. In place of smooth velvet, I felt supple warmth, at first harsh and unyielding, burning liquid fire through my veins, but quickly becoming graceful and rhythmic, the scorching in my veins giving way to a smoldering desire that left me breathless. As I remembered our kiss, all the feelings came rushing back, I felt the liquid fire, the roughness of his hands, but most importantly, the smoldering desire that I had felt every day since, the desire I felt now as my muscles clenched, my face flushed and mouth dropped open as I uttered one last, breathy "Jacob…"
I heard a crash from across the room, and sat bolt upright in bed, terrified of finding a confused Charlie in my doorway. I whipped my head to the door and found, to my relief, that it was still firmly shut and locked. I turned forward when I felt a cold gust of wind blow my hair back. The window. Oh no, Edward? I jumped out of bed and quickly plodded over to the window, smoothing my clothes nervously as I went. If Edward had heard me, I would be as mortified as had it been Charlie and, oh God, had I said Jacob? No, I couldn't have, that was a fantasy…My head was buzzing as I cautiously poked my head out of the window and peered out. A shift in the tree in front of me made me jump as I saw a glint of copper. "Ja-Jake?" I choked out. "What are you doing here?" I whispered viciously. "Bells!" he breathed, "Hi, sorry, I, uh, I was just running patrol, and I heard you…uh…being…awake," He landed lightly on my windowsill, "And I figured I would say hi seeing as I haven't talked to you in…a while…" he finished lamely, his hand behind his head, his eyes focused on my toes. "Oh, uh…come in," I muttered, stepping back and crossing my hands over my chest, all too aware of my bra-less state and the chill in the air. He smirked, his eyes glittering. "What?" I asked, looking up at him defensively. "Nothing," he replied quickly, hands raised, eyes still glittering. I shook my head to get my bearings and realized something that had-almost-escaped my notice. "Hey," I began, "did you…Did you fall out of my window?" I asked incredulously. "What?" he half-gasped, "No, no I just uh…no, I did not." I couldn't help but giggle at him, "Yes you did. Jacob Black, the amazing wolf-boy fell out of a window?" I smirked at him, "That's well…wow." I replied, shaking my head sarcastically. "Well," he started, his cocky smile firmly in place, "I wouldn't have fallen, if you hadn't distracted me…" he raised his eyebrows, anticipating my response. CRAP. I thought to myself, How much did he hear? Was I loud? Oh God he can probably smell me, stupid werewolves, that is so gross…And oh no what did I say? DID I say his name? Holy Crow, that would be TERRIBLE. No, there's no way, look at that smile, he's probably bluffing, just keep cool Bella, its fine… "I, wha-I don't know what you mean." I spluttered. Smooth Bella, great. His smile got bigger, "You don't, huh? Well, I mean, I know, but then again I'm a guy, a TEENAGE guy, that is stuck inside the heads of other-much more immature-teenage guys, so I have a PUH-retty good idea of what the distraction was. Whether you want to ADMIT that's what it was is another story, I personally find the activity to be a very relieving and telling bit of-" "JAKE, STOP!" I hissed through clenched teeth. "Enough, ok?" I seethed, breathing deeply, feeling my eyes begin to water. God Bella, are you kidding me? No, you're not going to cry, this is stupid, there is NOTHING to cry about, Bella stop, this is humiliating enough. I mean it, stop! I clenched my eyes shut, willing myself to listen to my own inner monologue and heard Jake suck in his breath quickly. "Bells? Bella? Are you crying?" "No, Jake, no I'm not." My eyes flew open to glare up at him from under my lashes, "I'm NOT." I saw his eyes change immediately from joking to protective and his features flew from cocky to contrite, "Bells, I'm so sorry…" He murmured, grabbing me and pulling me against his too-hard, yet so, so beautiful chest. "I'm a jackass." He muttered, his chin resting on my head. "Yes you are." I muttered, but it came out quite muffled as my mouth was having a hard time talking around his muscular –to put it lightly-chest. He chucked and pulled me closer-was that even possible? And I sighed into his warmth. After a minute he pulled me out to arms length and reached out to cup my chin so I would look up at him. His eyes stared deep into mine and I could see worry and love reflected in them. "Bells," he murmured, "I really am, truly, deeply, completely sorry. That was uncalled for, I don't even know what went on up here," his arms flailing about, "I was kidding and clearly I've been hanging out with the guys too much because I mean, let's be real here, what girl would find that funny? Not that I'm saying I know what you were doing, I just mean that girls and boys have different types of humor and I'm not much of a stand up comedian with the guys-don't get me wrong, I do crack Seth up occasionally, but sometimes I wonder if he's just humoring me because I'm-" "AHEM." I cleared my throat loudly, looking at him pointedly. His eyes jerked up from the floor where they had been wandering and his hands fell limply to his slides ceasing their incessant gesticulations. "Wha-OH, right." He looked at me sheepishly and I had to try my hardest to suppress the giggle bubbling up in my chest. "What I'm TRYING to say here is Bells, if you could find it in your heart to forgive my stupid ass, I promise you I'll do anything. And I promise, I will NEVER mention this again, EVER." He looked at me with hope and nervousness. "Never?" I prompted. "Never." He repeated proudly, with a huge grin on his face. My face slowly broke into a smile, "Well, then I guess I can find it in my heart to forgive you, there must be a little more space for the forgiveness of the utter stupidity of Jacob Black still in there somewhere." He smiled even wider before grabbing me up into one of his bone-crushing hugs. "Air, Jake…" I gasped. "Right!" he whispered, dropping me quickly. "Sorry." He grinned nervously, shoving his hands into his pockets.
A couple hours later, I was in bed once again, but this time with a very large, very shirtless, very warm, very happy Jacob lying next to me. "Jake?" I murmured, already half-asleep. "Yeah?" he yawned back. "You think-You think you could…stay here? Tonight? With me? If you want to that is…" I determinately looked down at my hands playing with the covers. There was no Edward here, just Jake and Bells, the way it had been. I felt the warmth of his grin. He lifted my face so our eyes would meet. "I would love that Bells." He said seriously, eyes twinkling again, but not with humor this time, instead they were filled with something that looked curiously like hope but in this dim light and with my sleepy mind I found it too confusing to identify. I smiled a big smile up at him and whispered "Thanks." Before laying my head on his chest and snuggling into his side. I felt myself begin to drift off as I let the rise and fall of his chest rock me to sleep. The cadence of his breath felt so innate. Like a mother rocking her newborn to sleep in her arms, floating in the swaying ocean waves, or spinning in fast circles, hand in hand with your best friend on a fall day. It felt so easy, familiar, natural, and alive. It made me feel like I was finally home, and no matter where I went, this place, Jacob's chest with his arm around me and his head on mine, would always be my home. I sighed contentedly as I heard Jacob whisper a shaky "Bella?" "Mmmm" was all I could manage. I felt his jaw pull into a smile, "About what happened earlier…" I could feel my brain getting foggier by the second and, had I even responded? "Someday…" He whispered, before taking a deep breath and saying with confidence, "Someday you'll admit it's me." He pressed his lips to my head and kissed my hair just as my last bit of consciousness fell away.
That night Bella dreamt of Renee's arms, the waves of La Push, and spinning in fast circles with a dark-haired little boy until they fell down laughing. When she glanced over at him, a russet wolf with a goofy gin was staring back at her with Jake's same twinkling eyes. Meanwhile a marble statue smiled a bitter smile, his eyes accepting, and retreated into the shadow of the trees.
Jake's dreams were less prophetic and went something like "ShesaidmynameShesaidmyname. She. Said. My. Name…"