Disclaimer: I don't own PoT. Now go find someone else to get your fix.

Desire

Contrary to popular belief, I didn't like Momo.

I couldn't like him. He had a girlfriend already.

Maybe if he hadn't been dating Tachibana Ann, then I'd like him. But he was already in a relationship. I wasn't gonna destroy that for my own so-called love.

And yet, I couldn't help wondering what might have been.

.::..::.

I don't like him. I don't like him. I kept repeating this mantra in my head as I watched Momo play against Kaidoh in practice. It was becoming harder and harder to believe myself.

His eyes were sparked with fury, revealing deep passion in their depths. His face was flushed with anger, and I wondered briefly if he got that worked up in bed. Then I mentally berated myself. I couldn't like Momo. He was taken already.

Besides, I shouldn't have been thinking those thoughts about anyone.

Then Kawamura's serve sped by me, and I forced myself to focus on my own game. I would not drink Inui's evil juice again.

.::..::.

Well, thanks a lot, Momo. I lost my match, due to certain distractions. After drinking Inui's dark red juice, I felt positively green. No matter how much water I gulped, it didn't help wash away the aftertaste a single bit.

Sighing, I strode into the change room, starting to pack up. As soon as I got home, I was going to challenge my dad just to give myself some confidence. I was getting better, but not during school practices.

I zipped up my bag and turned to go. Just as I was about to leave, Momo got up. "Hey, Ryoma, you look a bit green. Go home and take a good rest, kay?" He pulled me into a one-armed hug. I hesitated, but hugged him back tentatively. His cheek pressed against mine, and I could feel my face heating up. Hastily, I pulled away. "All right, whatever you say." I waved carelessly as I walked out of the change room.

As soon as I got a good distance away, I stopped, feeling hot tears pricking at the back of my eyes. "Dammit," I muttered as the first one started to fall. "Momo already has a girlfriend. What's he doing hugging me?" Another followed the first. "Fuck, stop crying already. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. Like, friends can hug each other, right? Besides, it was a one-armed hug. It probably was just because I looked a bit green or something."

I couldn't stop the tears. What was Momo thinking? He was in a relationship, he shouldn't be hugging other guys. But I couldn't place all the blame on Momo. He couldn't possibly know my feelings, so I couldn't accuse him of toying with me, of leading me on. He didn't even know that I liked him.

I started to walk again, tears still wet on my face.

I could still feel the warmth of his cheek against mine.

.::..::.

It happened today after practice.

Momo had been down all day. He didn't even rise to one of Kaidoh's insults, just stared at Kaidoh sadly.

There was something bitter in his expression. I couldn't understand it. I'd never seen him like that before.

I didn't talk to him though. I didn't want a repeat of that hug that left me in such turmoil last time.

Despite that, after practice, Momo came to find me instead. He asked me to stay behind a bit to talk. I couldn't exactly refuse him when he looked so down. I agreed, despite my misgivings.

Everyone else left the change room eventually, Oishi staring at us curiously as he did so. As soon as the door shut, Momo took a deep breath, as though steeling himself for what he was going to do.

He said quietly, "Ryoma, come here for a moment." He was on the bench; I walked so I was standing right in front of him. "Sit down?" he patted the bench space beside him. Gingerly, I sat down, uncomfortably aware of the fact that this left very little space between us.

"Ryoma…" I hadn't heard this tone from Momo before. It sounded weird. And a little scary. "Uh… Momo… are you feeling ok?" He just looked at me. There was something in his eyes that made my mouth dry, but also made my heart race in anticipation.

Softly, he said, "I would be if I hadn't seen you playing that match against Fuji. Now… I have a bit of… a problem. Since you caused it, shouldn't you take responsibility for it?"

I didn't understand quite yet what he meant. But it soon became evident. Momo leaned over and kissed me.

His lips were warm, a bit dry, and firm. My own mouth was completely relaxed in shock. I'd never expected anything like this to happen. He took advantage of that and slipped his tongue inside my mouth. Crazily, I wondered if he could taste the remnants of Inui's stupid juice in my mouth. That would be just plain embarrassing.

My mind was screaming. This shouldn't have been happening. After all, Momo was in a relationship. He was dating Ann. He was into girls. There were so many reasons this was wrong, but all of that faded in the light of the one reason it was right.

I loved him.

So all my thoughts dissipated as our kiss deepened, as our clothes managed to fall to the floor, as we became one.

.::..::.

Why. How could I let it happen. Why didn't I stop it. I didn't know. But I knew that even if it happened again, I wouldn't stop it next time either. Because some part of me, some selfish, foolish part of me, craved Momo's touch. And I wouldn't push it away, even if all my morals were against it.

Lying on my bed, staring blindly at the dark ceiling of my room, I felt a tear roll out of my eye. I whispered softly, so softly even I couldn't hear, "I'm sorry, Ann…"

I couldn't stop myself. I'm so weak. Every time this happened, I ended up crying in shame.

Despite that, I still gave in, and cried out in pleasure as Momo brought me to a swift and satisfying climax.

Once again, I participated in a clandestine relationship with Momo behind Ann's back. They were dating. Why did Momo come to me?

At that point, I didn't even care. All I had ever wanted was for Momo to notice me, and not just as friends. I'd gotten that. Who cared how it came about?

Turned out that I did care. Eventually. When I found out the truth behind the whole matter.

"Hey, Ryoma, thanks a lot for going along with me, but I won't be seeing you like this anymore." I looked up, stunned. I didn't understand. "What… what do you mean?" He blinked at me. "Well, I meant all of this sex and stuff. Thanks for going along with me, but it won't happen again." I winced at the casual way he summed up our relationship. Was that really all it was for him?

"What did you mean by going along with you?" He shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, it's not like I expected you to actually like me. So thanks for participating in the relationship anyways. And not being disgusted when I kissed you and stuff. So thanks for going along with me." I could feel my heart breaking. I didn't fully understand yet, but it was slowly becoming clear. "And why aren't you going to see me anymore?" I asked softly.

"Well, I guess I should explain why I started doing this in the first place. See, Ann was cheating on me with Kamio, the fucking bastard. Anyways, to get revenge, I decided to cheat on her. You happened to be there, so yeah. Then Ann found out, we talked, she agreed to stop cheating if I would. Since I only cheated on her to get revenge, it wasn't too hard for me to agree. So, that's the full story."

Damn him. Damn him for making me think that we actually had something there. Damn him for making me go against all my morals just for some stupid revenge plot he came up with. Damn him for stringing me along and then breaking my heart. Damn him.

My heart shattered, sharp shards ripping into the rest of my body, tearing great wounds within me. I stood abruptly. "Ok, Momo, fine. We won't see each other again." I strode purposefully towards the door.

Just as I reached the door, I couldn't help pausing. Briefly, I thought back to that first time, when Momo had given me that one-armed hug. I couldn't help wondering what might have been if, maybe, just maybe, he had meant it. And I knew that if he did the same thing now, I would forgive him just like that. I would run into his arms and hug him tightly. I wouldn't care who he was dating. All that would matter was the moment.

He didn't move. All he did was say casually, "See you around, Ryoma." I shut my eyes tightly, willing the tears not to fall.

As I left, in a quiet whisper to myself, I finally said the words that nobody would ever hear.

"I love you, Momo. I love you…"

And the tears started to fall.

A/N: Wow, angst. Uh… I actually wrote this based on something in rl, but then realized that it's also a jealous!Ryoma angst, which is something suna90 asked for a while ago. So, here you go! Oh, and please review! Tell me if maybe I should continue it… but if I do, all that's going to happen is that Ryo is gonna suicide again… so yeah. Also, any ideas for a new name…? Anyways… feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!