Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, then I would have no trouble paying for college. And I don't own Little Shop of Horrors either.
Dentist
By LupineMoon
Ron cursed the fact that he'd eaten so many sweets over the last few days. Now his tooth hurt. He groaned, Merlin he hated toothaches. But there was nothing to be done now. It'd have to wait 'til morning. So, Ron went to bed.
Continuing with their musical marathon, the Pride had watched Little Shop of Horrors that afternoon. Even though Hermione, Harry, Meghan and Draco had repeatedly assured him that no dentist was like this in real life, Ron was still terrified of them now. And this toothache didn't help.
He was lying in a dentist's chair, staring up at Voldemort who was peering into Ron's open mouth. As he did so, Voldemort began to sing.
When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
My mama noticed funny things I did,
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
That's when my mama said
The rest of the Pack and Pride took the part of the backup.
What did she say?
Here, Voldemort attempted a falsetto, which nearly caused Ron to swallow whatever implement Voldemort was sticking into his mouth.
She said, "My boy, I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success
Sirius, in his best announcer voice, cried
Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my God!
He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?
Ron let out a strangled yell, at the sight of Voldemort holding a drill.
"Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!"
Voldemort gave a sadistic grin.
"Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come! I am your dentist!"
Ron too adopted his best falsetto and wailed
"Goodness gracious!"
Voldemort smiled, satisfyingly down at him.
And I enjoy the career that I picked
The chorus gave a sarcastic reply.
Really love it
Voldemort puffed out his chest.
I am your dentist
Ron looked up into those ugly red eyes, anything was better than that drill.
Fitting braces
He shivered as Voldemort's fingers caressed his cheek. Everyone else gagged at the next line. Ron was too horrified to do anything but stare.
And I get off on the pain I inflict
Ron could hear the shudders of revulsion from the other occupants of the room.
"Yeah, I bet," Harry heard Draco's voice in his head, "You and Lucius must have lots of fun," Ron nearly cried with disgust.
Really love it
Voldemort picked up the drill again.
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid
The girls crooned out the next word.
Bicuspid
Voldemort grew more animated as the song progressed, making Ron glad that this was only a dream. This was too revolting to see in real life. Though it would definitely have made it easier for Harry to kill Voldemort as he would have been quite distracted.
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my patients distress,
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me
Oh, mama
'Cause I'm a dentist and a success
"Say ah!"
Ron opened his mouth to scream.
"Ah!"
Which soon turned into a laugh.
"Say ah!"
He wasn't sure if his mouth could open any wider.
"Ah!"
Ron was now somewhere between laughing, gagging and coughing.
"Say ah!"
Merlin, this was uncomfortable.
"Ah!"
He was tempted to stick out his tongue.
"Now spit!"
Ron dutifully obeyed, covering Voldemort's face with spit. The entire Pack dissolved into laughter amid Voldemort's howls of indignation.
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