Am I afraid of death ?
No.
I'm afraid for those I leave behind.
The hit was hard. And unexpected. I was dumb. I thought I could make it. In my excitement, I thought that I could make it, that I was some kind of superhuman who was a tiny bit faster than that car speeding towards me. For someone who teaches mathematics and with a PhD in her back pocket, I never had been so wrong as I am now.
I'm so stupid.
My head is throbbing like crazy. My vision is a blur. I feel cold. I lay in an awkward position. I try not to move an inch. It hurts so bad.
Why did I do it ?
To be honest ?
Of course.
I was in a hurry. I was already late and I rushed to get home. To get back to her.
But haste has never done me anything good.
Three days earlier.
"Hey, what are you doing ?" Lazy arms wrap around my neck.
I smile when her sweet scent fills my nose. Her orange coloured hair falls over my shoulders and I hear her breathing softly next to my ear. "Preparing for tomorrow's presentation," I answer.
"Oh, can I know ?" She asks sweetly.
She can always know. She can't always understand. I try to repress a deep sigh, it comes out anyways. She lets out a frustrated growl.
"Gee, sorry Els. I just wanted to be interested in your work," her arms leave my neck. Cold. She stretches behind me.
"Anna, you wouldn't understand," I try to reason with her.
"I would if you explained it well enough to me !" She frowns.
Even if I did, and I did that plenty of times, she would still not understand it. I sigh again. "Not now, Anna," She pouts. "I really need to get this done, so if you'll excuse me," I bend forward to focus on my textbook again.
I hear her behind me stomping angrily around my office. She gets frustrated easily. It's both cute but also really annoying sometimes. She can't help it though. "You think you're so smart," she scoffs.
Here we go again.
I try not to respond. I can't use this negative energy right now, I'm already beyond exhausted.
Anna decides to continue her little sermon. "Just because I'm not that smart, doesn't mean you make fun of me all the time ! I have feelings too and you just waltz over them with your stupid upper class attitude !"
I bite my lip. I know she doesn't mean that. She's just angry, not at me, she knows that too.
"Stop ignoring me, Elsa !" She shouts and throws around one of my expensive books.
I turn around with a serene look on my face. "Anna, I paid a lot for them ! Please don't throw them around the room."
"Please try to understand me then, for once, Elsa goddammit !" Another book gets thrown across the room.
I calmly stand up and pick them up, fold their pages back into their original form and lay them on the shelve where Anna grabbed them from.
Anna lets out another angry growl. "Fuck you !"
"Language." I say dryly. Sometimes I'm more acting like her mother than her girlfriend. But she needs that, a mother figure, she can never really live on her own.
I walk back to my chair when I hear a strange sound. I turn around to see what it is. I feel like my heart drops eight feet below me. She is ripping out the pages of my textbook. Every single one of them !
"Anna stop it right now !" I shout while I try to pry her fingers off the book. This is one of my most priced possessions, my 'bible', and she is just ripping it apart like a madman. I'm loosing my calmness quickly.
Anna doesn't let go of it. She screams made up insults to me and continues to grab at the pages. I'm going to burst if she doesn't let go immediately, and I know I'll regret it. I need to control myself. I'll just grab the book and send her out of the room.
"Anna !" I rip the book out of her hands with all my might. She finally lets go. She looks so tired. Her hair is a mess and the mascara on her eyes rolls over her cheeks due to her tears.
"You should go," is all I say. I try to regain my breath.
She glares at me. Then she spits in my face. My jaw drops. Oh, this is low, this is so very low.
"Anna, you were not raised like that," I hiss while I try to wipe her spit off my eye and cheek.
She spits again.
"That is IT !" I shriek while lose complete control of my temper and hit her hard across her cheek. I hit her harder than I intended to.
Her hand flies to her stinging cheek. She looks at me, her eyes are wild. She looks like she could kill me any minute now. I breath heavily as my mind returns to normal again and I realise what just happened. Her hurt eyes shoot me a contemptuous glance. No... wh- what have I done ?
"I hate you ! I fucking hate you !" She turns around and runs out of my study. I hear her fall down on the couch while crying hysterically.
My stomach twists and turns. I suddenly feel dizzy and nauseous. My heart aches with guilt. I shouldn't have hit her. I really shouldn't have. This is all my fault. It started out so nice. She was interested in me and I snub her off. Stupid pig that I am. Now she's crying. Because of me.
I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
She deserves someone better.
I grab my stuff and run out the door. I can't stay here any longer.
It feels like I'm laying here forever. And I'm cold. So cold. I try to look around me while keeping my head as still as possible. The sky is grey. Dark clouds are the only things up there. No sun, nothing.
I hear faint sounds. I can't really place them. It sounds like I'm hearing through glass. Muffled. Muted. It sounds like a song or a dialogue slowed down fifty times. I can't make a thing out of it.
My thoughts wander to Anna.
Anna Warren. The sweetest, goofiest, funniest and dumbest girl ever. The moment I saw her, I knew she had to be a great person. And after spending some time with her, my assumptions only got confirmed. She is really the greatest person I've ever known. She makes me laugh, leads an exciting life full of dreams and wishes, takes nothing for granted and is crazy about dogs. And sandwiches.
But she isn't perfect. And she isnt' who she seemed she was. She is a child in a grown up body, literally. Her parents told me that she had an accident that impacted her brains badly, when she was eight. She had a full recovery, but her brains didn't get older. She didn't get older. She didn't get older than that eight years old kid.
I said I understood. I said I would help her, love her and accept her.
But I haven't.
If I had, I wouldn't have slapped her the other night.
You never deserved me. You made yourself believe that you did, but you never did.
Anna always tries to understand me. To understand what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, where I'm coming from with my thoughts. She tries to learn, even though she never really does. I try to explain it to her, how things work, why they work the way they do, but we still end up at the same place we started.
She won't learn anything new. And I have to stop trying to get her learn something new. She already knows a lot. I should have accepted that instead of hoping differently.
She has a job. A fairly nice one too. She works at a toy shop. Selling toys to kids makes her happy, she once said. She adores kids, always wants to work with them, see them happy, smiling. It probably reminds her of her own inner child. The one she'll always stay, even though she doesn't want to. Maybe that's why she connects to kids better than to people her biological age.
I let her down.
As always.
They said you would never learn, but I feel like it applies to me more than to you.
Anna. The sweetest, goofiest, funniest and dumbest girl ever. I grin slightly at the thought of her cute, dorky smile.
Do you realise how much I love you ?
A spat of water hits my face and brings my back to the present. I jerk my head up, at least, I try to. A sharp hint of pain shoots through the back of my neck. I hiss.
Someone pries my eye open. White enters my iris, I try to shut the lid. It's so bright, it hurts my brains at until the back of my skull. The white goes away.
"Sweetie lay still, we're gonna get this thing off of you and we're gonna get you out of here," a voice, what I recognise as female, says.
Only then I realise that half of the car is crushing my body awkwardly.
Two days earlier.
I sit at my desk, staring at a pile of papers in front of me. They are all marked. Most of my students got B's or A's. I should feel proud of them, I should feel happy !
But I don't feel anything. I feel numb.
I stare blankly at the papers. Her hysterical cries keep repeating in my head. She has never cried like that before. And I was the cause of it. A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it off angrily. The last thing I should feel is pity, pity for myself. I don't deserve that.
The sound of moving chairs and shoes making contact with the floor, wakes me from my trance. The lecture is over. I stand up and try to end it properly. They can't see what's bothering me. They're my students, they don't need my problems.
"T-t- thanks," I say hoarse, my throat betraying that I've cried all night. "You all got good grades. I'm proud of you guys. See you tomorrow."
I am left alone in the room. The silence hangs over me like a big wet, leather coat that is slowly suffocating me. I grab my phone and stare at the black screen for a long time. Should I ?
"Well hello there awesome human being, you're speaking with the wonderful and amazing Anna Warren, proud girlfriend of my gorgeous Elsa, the best person in the world. Oh and she is like a professor or something so she's super duper smart and probably smarterer than all you dumb asses haha ! ...what did I have to next ? ... Oh right. Please leave a message after this fabulous beep. BOOOOOOPP !"
I hit the red button. Voice mails aren't my thing. Could have expected it though. I wouldn't want to talk to myself either. 'proud girlfriend of my gorgeous Elsa, the best person in the world.' She speaks so highly of me. And I... I didn't do anything to make her feel better. To make her feel appreciated.
I hate myself.
The screen is black again. I see my reflection in it. My face looks downright horrible. Dark, black bags under my eyes. My hair looks like a bird's nest. My eyelids are drooping of exhaustion. And my skin looks kind of greyish... ew.
I'm pathetic.
She's has every right to ignore me. I've done it to her so many times.
I stare at the clock. Five pm. I can't go home now. I can't face her like this.
Slowly I grab my stuff, dump my paperwork in my inbox at the front desk and head to my car.
A night in the car then...
I've thought multiple times about how I would die. Doesn't everybody ? I hoped I would have kids, grandchildren, maybe grand grandchildren and then die peacefully in my sleep with my old girlfriend by my side. That would be the perfect death. You aren't fully aware of it as you're already asleep.
I didn't want to get murdered, or shot, or stabbed. I didn't want to become ill and then slowly die. Drowning seemed horrible, as for suffocating. Killing myself was even worse. I have thought about it. Of course, there were many times when I just wanted to end it myself. But then I would be running away from my responsibilities. Also, I didn't want to die so sudden that you never got the chance to say goodbye.
Yet here I am.
I never talked with Anna about our death, or death in general. She doesn't like the subject. She is more like the pro life type of girl. Always optimistic, happy, careless and bright. I, on the other hand, am more like the emo type of girl. Always thinking about dark themes and what the purpose of this all is. Completely opposite of her.
I have no idea what she saw in me.
The last couple of months have not been going well. I was busy with work a lot, she had also things to stress about. She always asked how my day was, I never returned the favour. What kind of girlfriend am I ?
One who only thinks about her own problems, misery and sorrows. I deserved it when she spit at me. That was low, but then again, I am low too.
I try to take a breath. It's difficult for me. The car is crushing me from my ribs until my toes. A sharp object is stuck in my stomach. I can feel it. My breaths are shallow. Everything hurts. In the distance, I can hear faint noises. They sound distressed. Are they coming to help me ? Am I being rescued ?
Anna's face appears in front of my eyes again. Her cold glare pierces right through my soul.
No one cares about saving me. I'm not worth it.
One day earlier.
She hasn't returned all of my calls. Nor my texts. What do I expect ?
I hoped she would at least have called me once. To say she misses me, that she's sorry ?
No.
She has nothing to apologise for. I am to blame for everything.
The lecture is dull, the students are bored, and I am empty. So empty. I need to hear her voice, even though it's for short. I need to see her face, her cute freckles and her gorgeous eyes. I need to see her smile at me. Letting me know that she still loves me.
Do you still love me, Anna ?
I spend my lunch break by myself. Whenever I felt lonely, Anna would always take me to fun places she knew of. And boy, she knew a lot of fun places ! We went bowling, climbing, fishing, golfing and many more things. She always knew how to cheer me up. And afterwards, we would always get chocolate ice cream, even though it was in the midst of winter. Chocolate was always welcome !
Anna always tries to cheer me up. 'Being in dark places with your mind for too long is never good, one day, you'll get stuck there and you won't be able to come out and I don't want that for you,' she always said to me. Even though she is simple of mind, she still knows more than me.
I stand up. I have to do something. I have to listen to her advice for once. I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna make it up to her. That's what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna be more understanding, and be the best girlfriend there is for her ! Then maybe, she will love me again.
And for the first time in two days, I smile.
The pain is unbearable. I feel so tired. I want to close my eyes and sleep for a long time. I can't breath normally anymore. Every movement hurts, even the tiniest.
"Stay with me, honey !" The woman near my head says while shouting vague instructions in the air. "I know you're tired, but you can't go to sleep. Come on, open your eyes, you can do it !"
That's something Anna always says. 'You can do it.' For her, I open my eyes. The woman smiles.
"That's it," she says softly. "Now, shall we play a little game ?"
I haven't played games in a while. I was too busy with work. Anna likes playing games. She likes playing all sorts of games. Whenever we play, she always gets so excited that she doesn't know how to behave anymore. She would bounce up and down on her chair of thrill, she would squeal and giggle uncontrollably. It was beyond cute.
Did I ever tell you how perfect you were ?
"Can you tell me your favourite colour ?" The woman asks, snapping me out of my trance.
"Blue," I answer softly. It hurts to speak. Anna bought me lots of blue presents. Cushions for on our couch, pencils, clothes, and even blue cupcakes to celebrate my twenty-second birthday.
And how much I love you.
"Very good, now, can you tell me your age ?"
I have to think harder. Why is it so difficult to tell me my age ? This shouldn't be this hard. "... twenty... twenty six," I manage to choke out. It hurts so much.
We've been together for over four years.
"You're doing great !" She encourages me. "Can you tell me your name ?"
Our anniversary is to be in a few months.
"It's e-.. Elsa."
I had already taken Anna's finger measurements, in secret.
A weight gets lifted off my body. The car is being lifted in the air and suddenly my body is free from its trap.
I had already bought a ring, a delicate one. It is pure gold, but she deserved nothing less. It resembles a sunbeam. She is my sun, my light.
I look down. And I freak out.
Blood. A lot of blood.
The box is now resting at the very back of my night stand. A piece of paper is laying next to it.
And my legs are in a weird angle. This is not what legs are supposed to do.
One day, Anna will wear a ring.
I let out a moan of pain.
And I'll be happy for her. Even though it isn't mine.
I can't breath.
She will never wear MY ring.
I can't breath ! I start to panic. I turn my head to see if the nice lady has noticed. She has. She places a mouth piece over my nose and mouth. Oxygen flows into my nose and I welcome it with gratitude. I'm never gonna take free oxygen for granted again !
My thoughts drift back to Anna. I can see her standing right in front of me. She waves at me.
So this is goodbye then.
I feel so tired. So tired.
The pain is gone. Only exhaustion is present.
Anna's image fades away.
No ! Come back ! Come back... please.
There are so many things I want to tell you, to do with you. This isn't how it was supposed to end. I was going to die with you by my side, when we're old and have lived life to its fullest. I won't die. Not like this. I can't die on you right now...
"Elsa ? Stay with me !" I barely hear it."You're gonna be ok ! Just stay with me, sweetie ?
I close my eyes again.
"No honey, you can't do that. Open your eyes. Elsa ?!... .El ..s...UUUUuuuuuuuuu-"
Please, just let me sleep.
I feel myself flying away. Desperately, I try to recall Anna's face. The last thing I want to see is her face. That beautifully freckled, smiling face. Her happy twin braids, her lively blue eyes. The last thing I want to see is Anna. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remember what she looks like...
Anna, can you forgive me ?
I feel myself becoming lighter and lighter and I feel all those negative feelings slipping off my shoulders like a heavy wet coat. I haven't felt like this for a long time.
Anna.
One day, I will see you again. And I will hold you and tell you how much I love you.
For the last time, I open my eyes to take a final look at the world.
I recognise the vague contours of a bouquet with red roses next to me. My bouquet roses. For her.
I'm going home.
The petals are spread out over the road.
But not with you.
The wind blows them away. Gone. Gone are the red petals that make up the rose. Only the bare green sticks are left, spread out and broken. Ripped apart.
It's quiet. Totally and utterly quiet.
I close my eyes and fly away.
I'm sorry.
Am I afraid of death ?
No.
I'm afraid for those I leave behind.
Ok, maybe I should clear things up. Anna's character is really OOC in this story. I needed a reason why Elsa would feel the need to desperately see Anna again, this was the only realistic one I could come up with.
Why.
Because I have a really good friend who is basically Anna's character. A little different but the most parts are alike. She has the mind of an eight year old child, her brains stopped growing, developing when she was eight years old. So she is an eight year old in the body of a nineteen year old. And that is tough sometimes. And she is doing so great and I am so proud of her.
So I drew a lot of inspiration for Anna's character from her.
Secondly, Elsa also feels a little OOC. This is because I needed her to be human. And human make mistakes. And she isn't perfect, as she is in many fanfics (including my own). And she might sound a little emo, but how can you feel otherwise when you're in that situation ? So maybe I didn't do her justice, at least she has feelings.
The reason I wrote this one shot is that I wanted to explore what it would feel like when you never get the opportunity to tell someone you're sorry. How would you feel, what would you think.. Would you fight for it ? Elsa doesn't fight for her life, she's tired, she gives in. That's one way to go.
So emo, I know, I was just in the mood to write this... Life isn't all about happy, jolly and awesome things. That's not realistic.
Anyways, thanks for reading, I hope I did not make you bawl your eyes out.