This is my first ever Mass Effect fanfic. Anything in italics are thoughts! Joker and Shepard
All Joking Aside
Chapter1:
Smooth Beginnings
"Better watch out sir, I think Nihlus us coming your way."
"He's already here Joker, tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the conference room."
Joker put his face in his hands, "Ah crap. I assume you heard that Commander?"
Laura Shepard laughed and flipped her shoulder-length hair from her stunning brown eyes, "Smooth Joker. I'll go now."
Real smooth, thought Joker as he turned to the copilot's seat. "Hey Alenko, what do you think of the Commander?"
Kaidan raised an eyebrow, "She was a hero during the Blitz, Earth-born. From what I've heard, she'll save practically anybody she can. She seems nice, and of course, she's very easy on the eyes."
"My thoughts exactly replied Joker as his panel pinged. Joker flipped the switch, and a HUD camera angle came up on the screen. Some sort of battle was taking place, but since the guy and his female partner were running for their lives, the attackers could not be seen. The camera jerked, and fell to the ground. Dead. The woman began screaming into the feed above the din. Then, what looked like a large claw came from the sky. What the hell is that?
"Alenko, you might want to suit up," he told the Lieutenant and then connected to the conference room. "Captain Anderson? You might want to see this."
Joker waited as the three watched the feed, and prepared for his next order. "Joker, take us in quick nod quiet."
"Aye, sir," he said, and activated the Normandy's stealth systems. Nihlus was the first to be dropped off, followed by the commander, Alenko, and Jenkins.
Now comes the boring part. Stay out of sight, orbit the planet, keep in contact, blah, blah, blah. Joker set the autopilot, and prepared for the event that was taking a leak. Gathering his crutches from under the console, Joker hauled himself out of his chair. Humans can now travel throughout the galaxy to hundreds of systems and even build a stealth cruiser. But can they cure Vrolik disease? No, absolutely ridiculous. After relieving himself, Joker eased back into his chair just in time to see Alenko's HUD camera depict several robots fall to gunfire.
"Geth? Beyond the Perseus Veil?"
"Where have you been Joker? We're almost done here, we just saved the colony," replied Laura.
"My apologies Commander, I didn't think that there would be a test."
"There's the beacon," said the woman that Joker recognized from the video distress call. Alenko's HUD identified her as Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. Attractive, but she's got nothing on the commander. As Joker thought these thoughts, Commander Shepard removed her helmet, showing her sweat drenched hair and brow. Sexy, even under duress.
Joker watched as the beacon steadily got bigger because Alenko was cautiously stepping forward. The picture began to distort, and it was not until Alenko jerked forward, that Joker realized that it was an energy field. The pilot could only watch as the camera suddenly jerked away and smack into Williams. It then turned to show that now the Commander was trapped and being lifted into the air. From Alenko's point of view, Shepard appeared to be having some sort of violent spasm until the beacon exploded knocking Laura unconscious. Ah crap. Before he received any orders, Joker began locking onto the Commander's signal, and began bringing the Normandy out of autopilot in order to land.
Joker could only sit and watch as they brought Shepard onboard, and into the medical bay with Dr. Chakwas. Almost everybody onboard went to see Laura, everybody except Joker. He was stuck charting the course to the Citadel. Hours later, as the pilot was busy with his console, two hands covered his eyes.
"Guess who."
"Now let me think. Feminine hands, and there are only three women onboard. Strong, nice voice, and that oh so sexy scent of sweat mixed with strawberry perfume. It has to be Miss Laura Shepard."
Joker could see again, but received a flick to the back of the head. "That's Commander Laura Shepard to you. Captain Anderson wants me to see that you get us onto the Citadel alive."
"You're in luck, I was just about to bring us in," remarked the pilot, as Kaidan and Ashley came up behind the Commander. As the Normandy exited the relay, the crew gasped at the sight before them. The Council's flagship, the Destiny Ascension, drifted into view, and caught the Gunnery Chief's eyes.
"Look at the size of that ship, its huge!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah well, size isn't everything," shot Joker, causing the Commander to chuckle.
"That main gun could tear the Normandy in two."
"Doesn't mean a thing if you don't have a good pilot," Joker retorted, feeling unappreciated. That thing couldn't catch me in years.
Once they were assigned a docking bay, Joker sat back and put his arms behind his head. Nothing to do now except refuel, relax, and wait for our next orders that will get us off this station. He waited for the Normandy to be refueled, and then took the elevator to the C-Sec headquarters. Ah, the beauty of the fast transport system, mused Joker as he accessed the terminal. Minimizes the walking. It helps fat people and cripples of all species. As he arrived at Flux, the bar, casino, and dance club, Joker hobble to a seat and watched the various patrons.
About an hour later, Joker was surprised to see Commander Shepard walk into Flux with a quarian. As shocking as this was, Joker was much more frightened by the very large krogan that was behind her. He's got the jump on them, he thought desperately. The pilot drew his pistol sidearm, "Commander, behind you." And then Joker stood. At the sudden speed, his left shinbone cracked, and gave way, but not before the pilot was able to let a shot go towards the krogan. Joker never saw what happened next, as his head hit the table next to him, causing him to blackout.
Smooth.