"This is my town. Greendale, Colorado. It ain't got anything to offer but hooligans and scoundrels. You can't even get a decent fucking can of Whiska's anymore," Cat took a drag of his cigarette, the nicotine coating his already tar blackened lungs. He glanced over at his bottom half, "DOG. My dimwitted sidekick. Driven by his emotions and his lust for food, he never woulda made it in this business if it wasn't for me."
Dog was fast asleep, drool dripping out of his mouth and onto the cold linoleum floor of their dingy, rat-infested apartment. Three loud knocks pounded the door like a cheap hooker. Dog was up and at the door in flash, his loud barks echoing through the apartment.
"Catdog detective services. Step inside quickly," Cat said, holding the door open for the tall figure. The man's long overcoat and wide brimmed fedora disguised his identity, "please sit down"
Dog gestured to the lone chair in the middle of their living room, his nose switching to full throttle snooffer.
"Nice to see you again. Mr. Jeff Winger, ex-lawyer," chortled Dog recognizing the scent of cheap cologne and daddy issues.
The man removed his fedora revealing his well sculpted b-list Ryan Seacrest face. He raised one eyebrow and pursed his lips, "I need your help."
"Yeah, you and every other godforsaken motherfucker in this town," drawled Cat flicking his cigarette butt at the broken man. Dog had already lost interest, he slipped his headphones on and grabbed a comic book.
"No! You don't understand, without those answers I'm going to fail Spanish," Jeff yelled, "this is all the fault of The Bad Guy Gang!"
Dog whipped off his headphones and threw them across the room, Cat walked them over to the bar and poured himself a double shot of whiskey, gobbling it down in one throat movement. Jeff took this moment to explain himself further, he spoke so quickly he stumbled over his words.
"I stole the answers to the Spanish exam from senior Chang. But The Bad Guy Gang stole those stolen answers from me. If I don't have those answers I'm going to fail. Then I'll never have my lawyer license reinstated,"
Jeff put back on his fedora to hide the tears rolling down his stubbly cheeks. But his sobs shook the walls of the shitty apartment.
Cat and Dog looked at each other. "Where were the notes last seen?" they asked in unison.
"Greendale college. In the study room," he replied.
Without another words catdog pulled on their custom-made trench coat and headed out to the gloomy damp streets of Greendale.
"Greendale Community college is a shitshow, filled with the rejects of the reject pile. The stench of failure permeates from every surface of this damn place. Dog loves it but I can't stand to be here for more than a few moments. It makes me sick."
The study room was empty, save for a small brunette snorting lines of Adderall off her own tits. Dog sniffed around but he knew the exam answers hadn't been there for quite some time.
Catdog approached the blue-eyed girl, not that you could tell her eyes were blue with how blown out they were from the drugs. She watched the strange creature with apprehension, her Adderall covered tits held close to her body for fear of them being stolen.
"Relax sugar tits, we're here for Jeff's study notes." Cat highlighted the words study notes with air quotes.
"Well I don't have them," sniffed the young girl. Cat rolled his eyes.
"Do I look stupid to you?" the cat asked, "No really, do I look fucking stupid?"
She quickly shook her head no.
"That's right, I'm not stupid and neither are you, so stop yanking my dick and tell me what I want to know,"
Hey eyes were glazed over, she clearly wasn't listening. So, Cat turned to Dog and gave him a nod. Dog barked, once, twice, three times. Loud enough to wake the dead. The girl jumped, pulling her plump breasts even closer to her body.
"Where is The Bad Guy Gang Headquarters?" Dog growled baring his razor-sharp teeth.
"A-at my house. In th-the spare bedroom," she said nervously eyeing the drooling mouth of Dog. Letting go of one of her flesh-melons she dug through her jacket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. It had only an address on it. Cat tucked the paper into his trench coat.
Dog's tongue slipped out of his mouth and licked at the girls exposed honker, she shivered in delight.
"Thank's doll," he said huskily.
"The hall of the apartment building smelled of smoke and betrayal. Creaks and moans came from behind locked doors. Dog loves to sit and listen, but we have bigger fish to fry tonight. Water dripped off of our coat and soaked into the carpet below, not like it matters though, water is the cleanest thing that's dripped onto that carpet in what looks like years. The creaks of rusted box springs faded into the background as we approached our destination; Apartment 303."
Dog sniffed under the door, "nobody's in that room, I say we just let ourselves in."
Cat did exactly that and pushed open the unlocked door. The apartment was lavish for Colorado, nothing like the trashcan that he and Dog lived in.
Dog sniffed even more, pulling Cat deeper into the room, and deeper into danger. Immediately he stopped, his ears perking up. Pressing a finger to Cat's nose, Dog used his other hand to point at the spare bedroom. Both animals pulled out their pistols and stealthily walked to the door.
"Three, two, one, GO!" Catdog burst into the room expecting The Bad Guy Gang to scream like a little bitch but instead the two ringleaders sat in an oversized armchair.
"Troy and Abed," Dog growled.
"In a gaaang." The two ringleaders sang. Abed took a long drag from his cigar and blew smoke rings lazily into the air above him. Troy sipped his whiskey, only grimacing slightly at the taste.
Catdog lowered their guns, now was not the time for violence. Instead they took a seat on the matching armchair across from the villains.
"I believe you have something that doesn't quite below to you," Cat drawled.
"Perhaps," replied Abed without looking at him.
"But I believe it doesn't belong to you either," continued Troy.
"It's not for us you idiots!" Screamed Dog before Cat could stop him, "Those exam answers belong to Jeff."
Troy and Abed chortled. "Those answers don't belong to Jeff either. Last, I checked they belonged to senior Chang."
"Give the package back or the cops will be plucking lead out of your lifeless bodies," Dog growled.
"Listen, this isn't about you, and it certainly isn't about us. How about you hand over the exam answers so we can be on our way," Cat said.
Abed places a black leather briefcase on the table in front of him. He opened it slowly and methodically, his cigar hanging loosely between his thin lips. The rest of the room watched in silence as Abed produces a thick manila envelope from inside the briefcase. In bright red ink, it was stamped with the word 'confidential' in bold caps.
"Is this what you're looking for?" Troy asked innocently.
"You know what we want," replied Cat, "stop fucking around."
"Whatever you want my liege," Abed said. He stretched out his hand, offering the manila envelope to Cat. Cat's paw reached out to grab it but at the last moment Abed yanked his hand back and pressed the package to his cigar. Immediately it began to burn.
Two loud bangs rocked the room and Toy and Abed's lifeless bodies slouched in their chair. Blood trickled from the bullet wounds on their foreheads.
Dog blew the smoke from the barrel of his gun, "Isn't it a pity? Gun's stop theatrics every time."
"Perhaps for them. I personally prefer not to waste my time," Cat replied, casting a quick smile to his partner, before picking up the still slightly smoldering set of exam answers. They put out the flame with their rivals blood.
"Let's get these answers back to Mr. Winger," Cat said, "Oh, and Dog."
Dog looked up to the only person he truly looked up to.
"You did good today, kid."