I performed in an abridged version of the play, so some bits won't be referred to at all because I never learned them. Our other tweaks used here include two jesters (Trinculo and Trincula) instead of one, and Adrian saying Francisco's lines because the Francisco-actor quit. Character names have been abbreviated, but I trust that people familiar with The Tempest will know who I mean. Horizontal lines indicate the end of a scene.
I don't own The Tempest or any of its characters, although it owns my mind and Caliban owns my soul. Enjoy the fruits of my madness :-P
The Tempest: A Parody
Boatswain and Gonzo: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!
Master: Be quiet, you fools! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Ant: Insolent sailors! How dare you make noise in my presence?
Master: We're in charge of this ship, mister! Help us or shut up!
Boatswain: Or sing along like Gonzalo! Drink up, me-
Al: YAAAAAH!
Seb: Quit jumping around like a spastic chicken, bro, it's not kingly!
Trinks: We can swim like ducks! Quack, quack!
Stef (in water): Watch where you're throwing that-oh, it's wine. Never mind.
Master: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Mira: Daddy, watch what you're doing with those storms. You just sank a ship.
Prospie: Don't worry. It was only your wicked uncle and some innocent bystanders.
Mira: Oh, OK. (Falls asleep)
Prospie: Ariel, come here.
Ariel: I gravel at your feet, master.
Prospie: Is the job done?
Ariel: Yeth, marthter.
Prospie: Stop doing impressions.
Ariel: Yes, master.
Prospie: Where are the people now?
Ariel: The lords are that way, a few unimportant minions are that way, and the King's son is over there.
Prospie: The king has a son?
Ariel: Yes, the most princely Fer-di-nand.
Prospie: Excellent. I'll see to it that he and Miranda get married.
Ariel: What if they don't want to?
Prospie: Then we'll force them.
Ariel: Isn't that a bit harsh, master?
Prospie: It's the human custom.
Ariel: If you say so, master.
Prospie: Now get back to work.
Ariel: I want to go free.
Prospie: Not yet.
Ariel: But master…
Prospie. Ungrateful wench. Are you forgetting the foul witch Sycorax, who—
Ariel: Don't talk to me about that woman. You never met her.
Prospie: Getting insubordinate, now? Want me to treat you as cruelly as she did?
Ariel: No, master.
Prospie: Get to work, then.
Ariel: Nice master. (Exits)
Prospie: Wake up. We have to talk with Caliban
Mira: You know we don't get along anymore.
Prospie: Tough. Fish-face, get over here!
Cali: I hate you.
Prospie: I'll beat you for that.
Cali: I was nice until you betrayed me.
Prospie: Same to you, varmint.
Cali: You just didn't want monstritos for grandchildren.
Prospie: Miranda's too good for the likes of you.
Cali: That's what you think.
Mira: Beast.
Cali: When you come to your senses, Belle, I'll be here.
Prospie: Scram! Come on, dear, I have something better to show you.
Ariel: Your father is dead. I shall sing famously-beautiful songs about it.
Ferd: Aw, phooey.
Prospie (leads Mira to Ferd): Voila!
Mira: What's that?
Prospie: A man.
Mira: OMG, I'm in love!
Ferd (sees Mira): OMG, I'm in love! Are you a virgin?
Mira: No, sorry, a monster raped me.
Ferd: What?! Eww!
Mira: Just kidding.
Ferd: Whew, you scared me. I so didn't want to dump you.
Mira: Dump me? We just met.
Ferd: So? Let's get married. I'm the king of Naples, so you'll be queen. Sound good?
Prospie: Not so fast, Mr. Eager. I know the king, and you're not him. Be my slave for a while, and maybe I'll consider letting you near my daughter.
Ferd: OK.
Mira: But daddy...
Prospie: Hush.
Mira: (pout)
Gonzo: Life is wonderful!
Al: (sob)
Gonzo: This island is beautiful!
Ant and Seb: (snicker)
Gonzo: And isn't it great that-
Al: Shut up, you idiot, my son is dead!
Adrian: I think he's alive. I saw him swim toward shore.
Al: I didn't hear that. (Sob)
Seb: We told you not to let your daughter marry that African king-
Adrian (sarcastically): Because Italian lords are such gentlemen, after all-
Seb: But would you listen? Nooo. This is all your fault, so quit whining.
Gonzo: That's not nice.
Ant: We're not nice.
Ariel (does magic): Nighty-night!
Gonzo: All this happiness is tiring. Let's take a nap. (Falls asleep)
Adrian: Why not. I'm thoroughly ignored anyway. (Falls asleep)
Al: I want a nap.
Ant: Then take one.
Al: OK. (Falls asleep)
Ant: Well?
Seb: Well what?
Ant: Well, you wanna be king of Naples?
Seb: What are you talking about?
Ant: Sheesh, do I have to spell it out for you? Kill Alonso, and you'll be king.
Seb: Kill my own big brother?
Ant: Why not? It worked for me.
Seb: Well, he did break my favorite toy horse when I was three...what the heck, let's do it.
Ant: Ready, set...
Ariel: Wakey wakey!
Gonzalo: Wake up, your majesty, you're about to get murdered!
Al: Huh? Wha? Why are you holding your swords over my neck?
Ant: We were defending you from...uh...
Seb: Lions! A herd of lions!
Gonzo: Yeah right.
Adrian: Lions come in prides, not herds, you zoological illiterate.
Al: Thanks for saving me. Let's go look for my son.
Cali: Oh mother, I wish you were still alive. That jerk never would've taken our island if you had been there to toss him and his stupid books back out to sea. He sets the spirits on me—even the ones who were our friends! And he insults me endlessly, and makes me do all the work, and thinks he's a higher lifeform than me. All because I—
Trinks (running in): YAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cali: Not again. (Falls flat)
Trinculo: Oooh, a fish-man!
Trincula: Let's hide under his very large garment, which will somehow keep off the rain and lightning!
(They do so)
Trinculo: Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
Trincula: I knew misery was good for something.
Stef (enters): Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for-what's this?
Cali: Ow! Stop that, you pests!
Stef: A big, talking piece of cloth with six humanoid legs sticking out underneath. It must be a monster!
Cali: Not another one! Go away, you don't notice me!
Stef: Yes, on closer examination it certainly looks like a monster. Logically, I should force its mouth open and get it drunk.
Cali: If you weren't a spirit, I'd bite your fingers off.
Stef: Sorry, didn't understand that.
Trinks: Stefano?
Stef: Oh, it's you two. What were you doing with that weird creature?
Trincula: Wouldn't you like to know.
Trinculo: Did you drown?
Stef: Do I look drowned, blockhead?
Trinks: Oooh, you have wine!
Stef: Some dumb sailor threw a butt of it overboard, don't ask me why. Luckily, I'm suddenly an expert at making bottles out of tree bark.
Cali: You must be an emissary of Setebos, sent to comfort me in my torment! Give me your wonderful wine, and I'll love you forever!
Stef: How could I refuse?
Trinks: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ferd: Carrying firewood is terribly hard work, but I can stand it because I'm in love. Also, I've never done anything so un-princely, so I like the novelty.
Mira: Stop wearing out your fragile body, I'll carry the wood!
Ferd: Oh no, you won't. It's a man's job!
Prospie: Awwwww.
Mira: I've done it before…once in a while…when Daddy's slave was off sulking…
Ferd: I wouldn't foist this work on someone so beautiful and fabulous and amazing as you, my darling—uh, what's your name?
Mira: Miranda. (Giggles) Oops, Daddy said not to tell.
Ferd: Miranda! I worship you! I can't live without you!
Mira: Do you love me?
Ferd: That's what I just said! Oh, I've fallen in love with lots of women, but none of them proved good enough for me. You, now, you're perfect.
Mira: I guess I shouldn't tell you that I'm afraid of heights, allergic to shellfish and prone to fits of hysterical laughter.
Ferd: Nope, don't want to hear it.
Mira: You'll find out soon enough after we're married, anyway.
Prospie: Aren't they cute.
Stef: Oooh, what do you do with a drunken monster, what do you do with a drunken monster…
Trinks: Par-tay!
Cali: May I make a humble request, my lord?
Trinculo: "Lord," quoth he. That a monster should be such a natural!
Cali: Thank you.
Trincula: "Natural" means 'idiot,' actually.
Cali: Look who's talking!
Stef: You were saying…?
Cali: Would you please kill my former master?
Stef: Who's he?
Cali: The evil sorcerer who stole my island! Filthy little thief! We hates him, we hates him forever!
Stef: (blank look)
Cali: Whoops, wrong universe.
Stef: So…some powerful guy came here after you and you want me to kill him.
Cali: Right. You're a god, I know can do it.
Ariel: No you can't.
Stef: (whacks Trinculo) Shut up!
Trinculo: Hey! What was that for?
Stef: You think I can't kill a stranger, just because I've never killed anything in my life?
Trinculo: Well, yes. But I didn't say so before.
Cali: Don't listen to that. Do it.
Ariel: You can't.
Stef: (whacks Trincula) Stop giving me conflicting information, both of you!
Cali: Curse you, Ariel. Don't you want to be free, too?
Ariel: When my master says so, and not before.
Cali: Lackey. What happened to the sassy spirit my mother told me stories about?
Ariel: Twelve years in a tree will change a person.
Cali: Wimp. I like being in trees.
Stef: Monster, stop talking to yourself and tell me why I should kill this dude.
Cali: Because then you'll be king of the island.
Stef: Cool. I know all about kinging. I've watched it done for years.
Cali: And he has a gorgeous daughter.
Stef: And you're not going out with her?
Cali: Her father doesn't approve of me. But you won't have that problem, will you?
Stef: You think she'll like me even if I kill her dad?
Cali: With your macho charms? She'll be helpless.
Stef: Sweet.
Cali: I'll even babysit the kids, if you're extra nice to me.
Stef: Let's go get us an island!
(Ariel makes music)
Stef & Trinks: EEEEK!
Cali: What are you scared of?
Stef: The music, duh.
Cali: Don't worry; it's a supernatural local phenomenon. I like to make famously-beautiful speeches about it.
Stef: Free concerts, eh. I like this place.
(Ariel wanders off, singing)
Stef: Who's up for some pre-murder entertainment?
Cali: Ariel, if you get us caught, I'll…uh…wish I could punish you.
Gonzo: By'r lakin, I can go no further.
Adrian: What's a lakin?
Gonzo: I have no idea. The point is, I'm exhausted.
Al: Me too. Let's sit here and be depressed.
Ant to Seb: Remember your plan.
Seb: Yeah, yeah, I'll do it later.
(Spirits appear with banquet and be sexy)
Gonzo: Wow, the natives must find our European hotness irresistible!
Al: I even forgot about my son for a moment there.
Prospie: Fun's over, kids.
(Creepy music)
Harpy: Mwahahahahahah! I have driven you crazy, and you shall kill yourselves!
Ant: What are you supposed to be?
Harpy: I'm a harpy. Now shut up, foul sinner.
Seb: You look like a human in a sarong.
Al: In fact, you look like...(gasps)
Harpy: As I was trying to say, this is Prospero's revenge. Remember him? The duke you exiled, along with his innocent little daughter?
Ant: He wasn't doing the job anyway. Nose in a book all day, making me do the work...
Harpy: Well, the Powers that Be have a problem with what you did.
Seb: Why?
Harpy: How should I know? I'm just an emanation. Now be scared, darn you!
(Vanishes)
Gonzo: Uh, guys...?
Al: Oh, it is monstrous, monstrous! I was threatened by a harpy that looked like my former roommate!
Seb & Ant: Ow! Invisible bugs are pinching us!
(All three run away)
Gonzo: Let's go stop them from doing something stupid.
Adrian: Why do you care what happens to those stinkers?
Gonzo: Because I'm a loyal sir to him I follow. Come on.
Adrian: Fine, fine. They'd better buy me a new armchair when we get home.
Prospie (consults to-do list): Scare enemies spitless—check. Next job…
Ariel: Master, master! Caliban met the king's minions and convinced them to kill you!
Prospie (sigh): Why didn't Sycorax at least have a daughter instead? I'm sure a savage girl wouldn't have been this troublesome.
Ariel: Well…maybe.
Prospie: I've decided you're fit for Miranda.
Ferd: Whoohoo!
Prospie: But keep your paws off her until the wedding, or I'll put a curse on your marriage.
Ferd: If I must.
Prospie: Ariel?
Ariel: Lights, camera, action!
(Spirits perform the wedding celebration as Roman dieties)
Ferd: Are we in "Fantasia?"
Prospie: Yes.
Ferd: Awesome. Can we live here forever?
Prospie: Not if I can help it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go punish my slave for trying to murder me.
Ferd: What did he say?
Mira: No idea. Let's cuddle.
Cali: Ssssssh. Soft and quick as shadows, we must be.
Stef: Monster, your fairy is nothing but a pain in the neck!
Cali: Don't I know it. Now be quiet!
Trinks: That was one nasty cesspool!
Cali: Shut up already! If we're caught, Prospero will sic his other spirits on us, and you do not want to meet them.
Stef: But I lost my handmade tree-bark bottle of dry Portuguese white wine!
Cali: Seriously, you really do not want to meet—
Stef: You shut up, monster!
Trinks: Oooh, clothes!
Stef: Gimme gimme gimme.
Cali: Leave it alone, it's nothing but trash!
Trincula: Now the primitive islander is an expert in Italian fashions? Mind you, these are twelve years out of date…
Cali: Why did I get such stupid gods?! Prospero will turn us into barnacles!
Stef: Well-dressed barnacles.
Cali: Or apes!
Trincula: I wouldn't mind being a bonobo.
Trinculo: Or a barnacle.
Trincula: He meant barnacle geese.
Trinculo: Really? They live around here?
Cali: Aaaaaargh! (Hits head against floor)
(Creepy sounds)
Trinks: Uh...?
(Creepy music)
Scary spirits: Be afraid, be very afraid!
Cali: Told you so.
Stef & Trinks: EEEEK!
Female scary spirit (chasing Cali): You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals...
Stef: I did not just hear that.
(All run away)
Prospie: That will teach them to mess with a magician.
Ariel: Err…
Prospie: How are the lords?
Ariel: Alonso is mumbling incomprehensibly. Antonio and Sebastian are about to tear off their clothes to get the "invisible pinching bugs" out, Adrian is twiddling his thumbs, and Gonzalo actually looks unhappy.
Prospie: That sounds like sufficient punishment for twelve years in exile. Bring them here while I make a gorgeously-sad speech.
Ariel: Yes, master. (Complies)
Prospie: Shame on all of you except Gonzalo.
Adrian: What did I do?
Gonzo: Nothing. You don't count.
Adrian: As usual.
Prospie to Ant: Give me back my dukedom.
Ant: Like I have a choice.
Prospie to Al: Give me a hug, my old enemy inveterate.
Al: Take your dukedom, please! Just don't kill me!
Prospie: Thank you.
Al: Actually, I don't mind if you kill me. I'm too depressed at having lost—(sob)-my son!
Prospie: I just lost my daughter. Do you hear me moaning about it?
Al: You had a daughter?
Prospie: You didn't know that when you had us exiled?
Al: Gee, I'm sorry. If I'd known, I would have kept you two around so she could marry my Ferdinand.
Prospie: Well, never mind. (Reveals inside of cell, where Ferd and Mira are playing chess) Ta-da!
Ferd: So, how did achessboard get shipwrecked with you, and not lose any pieces?
Mira: No idea. (Giggles)
Ferd (looks up): Dad! You're alive!
Al: Son! You're alive! Oh, I love you so much!
Ferd: Does this mean you forgive me for breaking that stained-glass window when I was ten?
Al: Yes!
Ferd: How about stealing the—
Al: Don't push it.
Mira: How beauteous mankind is!
Gonzo: Hear that, Adrian? The young lady thinks we're beauteous.
Adrian: Been a few decades since I got such praise.
Al: Who's that girl?
Ferd: My fiancé. We've been together almost three whole hours. Prospero's her dad.
Al: Er, sorry for making you grow up in the wilderness, miss.
Mira: Oh, it's your fault I've been stuck out here with comforts or social life or-
Prospie: Hush, dear. Alonso, don't worry about it.
Mira: Daddy!
Prospie: Be grateful I'm making peace with your man's family, girl.
Adrian: Yeah, Romeo and Juliet weren't so lucky.
Gonzo: Hip-hip-hooray!
(Ariel brings in Master and Boatswain)
Gonzo: Ahoy, mateys!
(Master rolls eyes)
Boatswain: We're alive! Yarr!
Master: And pissed off.
Boatswain: And our ship is shipshape! Yarr!
Master: Somehow.
Al: What happened?
Boatswain: In the middle of that delightfully dreadful storm—
Master: We somehow all fell asleep—
Boatswain: Though we could still hear the commotion—
Master: Aand then we woke up-
Boatswain: And found that everything was just fabulous, and now we've been reunited with you all! Yarr!
Master: You have some explaining to do, mister.
Prospie: No I don't. I'm a duke. You're inconsequential. Go be ignored.
Adrian: Over here; let's be ignored together.
Prospie to Ariel: Bring the other set of villains.
Ariel: Yes, master. (Complies)
Stef: Forward, comrades! All for one and one for—oh bugger.
Cali: We're doomed.
Prospie: Exhibit A: the demon-spawned brat of a wicked witch.
Cali: Stop dissing my mother.
Al: I've never seen a stranger creature.
Boatswain: Me neither.
Master: We clearly need to travel more.
Boatswain: Let's begin by visiting Algiers on our next trip.
Master: Good plan.
Al to drunkies: What have you three been up to?
Trinks: Don't ask.
Prospie: They and the monster were plotting to kill me in my sleep.
Al: Who would do such a terrible thing?
(Seb & Ant look away, whistling)
Ferd: Stop eyeing my girl, servant.
Stef: She was almost mine, your royal annoyingness.
Mira: Ew, I wouldn't marry you.
Stef to Cali: You said she'd go for me.
Cali: I didn't know her tastes ran toward arrogant tenderfeet. (Glares at Ferd)
Ferd: And I suppose you're a girl magnet, monster?
Prospie: Stop bickering. (Looks at Stef) So you want to be an island king, young man?
Stef: Not really. I'd rather go back to Naples and start a business selling handmade tree-bark bottles.
Al: You can't do that. You're my drunken butler.
Stef: Well, I resign. I'm sick of you calling me drunken this, drunken that. I'm more than my alcoholism, damn it!
Prospie: I won't punish you, since I'm leaving soon anyway. Now get out of my sight.
Cali: Thank Setebos! Caliban is freee!
(Drunkies leave)
Prospie: Tonight I'll make you all listen to the story of my life—
(Master rolls eyes)
Prospie: Then tomorrow we'll go back to Naples and get this wedding over with. And then I'll head to Milan and hope to die soon.
Ant (under breath): And I'll be stuck doing your job again, no doubt.
Prospie: I promise fair winds and calm seas.
(Master and Boatswain exchange high-fives)
Prospie: Ariel, you're free.
Ariel: It's about time.
Prospie: Now everyone clear out while I give a final gorgeously-sad speech. Don't weep too loudly in the background, please.
THE END