DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach.

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"Kisuke, what in God's name are you DOING?" Sapphire observed her blonde friend as he walked into the room wearing a grey t-shirt with a black long-sleeved shirt underneath, baggy shorts, and an oversized chain necklace with a diamond studded K dangling from the end. "Are you feeling ok?! Did you hit your head?! Where on EARTH is your hat?" She pulled the sideways baseball cap off his head to inspect for any bumps or bruises. The fact that he was able to depart with his striped bucket hat was beyond her comprehension, but as usual, his eyes were barely visible behind his long, blonde hair.

Urahara took the hat back and fixed it to its original position. "Chill-ax, Sapphire! Just woke up feelin' like P Diddy," he said cheerfully.

Sapphire's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Say that again?"

"I woke up feelin' like P Diddy." She snickered as the shopkeeper proceeded to ramble off slang words and phrases that he probably had no idea what they meant. "I mean, that guy Kurosaki was all up in my shiz an' I took him down forizzle!" He made sure to enunciate every syllable correctly, thinking it made him sound cool.

Sapphire sighed and smiled a little. "Do you have any idea what you just said, Kisuke?"

"'Course I do, yo! It's great, ain't it? Just like Kee-dollar-sha says," he said with a grin.

"WHO?"

"Kee-dollar-sha! You know, 'Tick tock on the clock, but the party don't stop, no, oh, oh, oh, oh'!" he sang off key.

"Kesha, Kisuke. Her name is Kesha."

"Whatever, man. Don't be bringin' me down." Sapphire looked around to find some clue as to what she should do about Kisuke's "transformation." She grabbed Ururu by the arm and pulled her aside.

"What happened to him?" she whispered harshly. Ururu peeked around the tall brunette to see her boss in his new look.

"I think he's been brainwashed, Miss Sapphire," she said.

"Do ya like my new look, Ururu? I'm gangster!"

"It's 'gangsta', sir," the small girl said before bidding them adieu and going back to her chores.

Sapphire mused to herself for a few moments. I guess there's only one thing to do, she thought. Take him to Kurosaki Ichigo.

She grabbed Urahara by the wrist and dragged him, literally, out of the shop and down the street. "Where we goin'?"

"Kurosaki's. As much as I hate to ask that idiot-"

"Foshizzle my nizzle!" he interrupted.

"Yes, Kisuke, now shut up. I was saying, I hate to ask him for help, but we need to change you back."

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The Kurosaki household stood tall in the peaceful neighborhood with a garden brightening up the front door. The two found Ichigo around back digging a rather large hole in the ground. Sapphire dropped the shopkeeper and zeroed in on the unsuspecting Kurosaki.

She give him a good whack on top of the head and said, "There's something wrong with Kisuke. He's very, well..." She pointed to the spot on the ground where she left him, but Kisuke had moved and was attempting to climb a flimsy lattice on the side of the house.

"I'm gonna break in, yo! Just wait till these suckers see what I can do," he said to himself.

Ichigo burst into laughter. He was barely able to speak, let alone breathe.

"He's- hahaha- a complete- hahahaha- moron!" he forced out, rolling on the ground.

Sapphire stopped the strawberry in his place by stomping on his chest. "What's going on? He doesn't even realize what half the stuff he says means!"

"What did he say?" he straightened himself up.

"First of all, he 'woke up feeling like P Diddy.' Second off, he's talking like he thinks he's from the ghetto," she said with a worried look on her face. The lattice made a rattling sound, and The two whipped their heads around to see Kisuke back on the ground, saying something about the "douche bag lattice gettin' up in his grill." He then proceeded to sing Patron Tequila while swinging his hips to and fro like he was twirling a hula-hoop.

"I'm on Patron tequila, I'm drunk on margarita! That Patron tequila, me and my mamacita!" he sang.

"Maybe he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis?" Ichigo whispered.

"Or he's drunk. Really, really drunk."

Sapphire thanked Ichigo and dragged Urahara back to the shop. He went on singing numerous bits and pieces of various songs. She winced at the sound of the dying cat -err, Kisuke's voice. Oh well, she thought. If he doesn't shut up, I'll just lock him in the closet.

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First Urahara fic. I made it as a giftfic for UraharaSteph on quizilla. I'd originally planned it as an Aizen/Gin oneshot, but I think this fit better for the time being. =) There's going to be one more chapter, then it's done.

Happy reading,

~Kai