MY FATHER WAS SECRETLY A KILLER-MONKEY MAN FROM OUTER SPACE ABRIDGED KAI ACT 1
No one would have believed, in the latter years of the twentieth century, that human affairs were being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their affairs they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man-
"Yes, yes, EarthScorpion," said the audience, "we know you read War of the Worlds."
"Well, tough luck," EarthScorpion said. "I'mma gonna start all the chapters this arc with references to famous literature."
"Do you have to?" asked the audience wearily.
"Yes."
"Shut the hell up!" snapped Gerabanzo. "This is my story, not yours!"
"You know the name of this is-"
"Shut up!" Gerabanzo cleared his throat. "I'm a saiyan mook! I'm a bad guy! Look at that planet Earth! I'm gonna conquer it for Frieza!"
"Oh no," said the radio in his saiyan pod, "Frieza is a dick who blew up your planet!"
"What a dick! Who could have seen that coming?"
"Anyone who knows the plot of DBZ?" suggested the audience.
"Shut the hell up! I'm sad! Time to go get drunk!" He drank and also blew up some bars. "Now I'm drunk."
"Hi," said an alien woman. "I'm Yui Ikari. I'm a bad guy."
"Wow," Gerabanzo said. "I'm a bad guy too."
"That's hot. What's your name?" She paused. "I'm gonna call you Gendo. Wanna have sex?"
"Why not?"
Yui frowned. "Wait. I'm in a relationship." She turned to her boyfriend. "You're dumped. Now I'm not in a relationship. Gendo, sic 'im."
Gendo threw the guy out the window.
"Hot," Yui said. "Let's have sex."
"We had sex," said Gendo, as he woke up in her bedroom.
"You have a really big coccyx," said Yui.
"Why, thank you."
"I meant your tail. Why do you have a tail?"
"I'm a killer monkey-man from outer space," said Gendo.
"Ha ha, title drop," said EarthScorpion.
"Shut the hell up," said Yui. She sat back, an evil shadow mysteriously falling over her face. "Tell me everything, Gendo."
"Okay."
"I'm off to university," said Yui.
"I'm your tutor," said Kozo Fuyutsuki. "I'm not at all important here until Act 2. Also, I want to bone you."
"I know you do, but you don't know I know, and I shamelessly abuse it because I'm evil," said Yui. "By the way, using the lab for a personal project, kai thx bai."
"She's so pure and innocent," said Fuyutsuki dreamily.
Yui pulled out her phone and called Gendo's funny eye thing. "Wanna go on a first date, followed by second sex?" she asked Gendo.
"Yeah."
They went to a restaurant.
"I just abused a man's trust in me," Yui said.
"Hot. I just murdered lots of people because they tried to take my spaceship. It helped me repress my crippling depression because everyone I know and love is dead."
Yui's lips parted. "I am so turned on right now. Can I see your spaceship?"
"Only if you make me an evil clone army."
"Gendo, I'd make you an evil clone army for free, as long as I also get to use it. Also, as long as it doesn't count as cheating."
Gendo's scouter beeped. "Her sexual empowerment… it's over nine thousand!" he exclaimed.
"Let's go have sex in your spaceship," said Yui.
"I'm Mari," said Mari Illustrious Makinami. "I'm Yui's flatmate."
"What the hell is she doing here?" asked the audience.
"Ah ha!" said EarthScorpion smugly. "Here's a few panels from the Evangelion manga that indicates that Yui and Mari Ark Royal Makinami knew each other at university!"
"Shut the hell up," said Mari Argus Makinami. "Yui, stop having noisy sex with your boyfriend and become a lesbian with me."
"Don't wanna," Yui said.
"Damn," said Mari Queen Elizabeth Makinami.
"Stop wearing your armour and wear human clothes," said Yui.
"No," said Gendo. "Okay."
"Also we're going to find you a human family and fake your records."
"No," said Gendo. "Okay."
"Now, I'm from an evil family, so I'm fine with corruption and bribery and apparently I was taught these things by my mother," said Yui. "But first, we're going to have to steal lots of money from North Korea."
They stole lots of money from North Korea.
"We're rich," said Gendo.
"Babe, I was already stupidly rich," said Yui. "Now, let's bribe old Mr Rokubungi who's sensible and old and so probably going to die soon so he'll pretend to be your father."
"I'm rich now, son!" said old Mr Rokubungi. "I'm gonna buy an island and through financial incentives persuade young women to have sex with me."
"That was easy," said Gendo.
"Now you need to have dinner with Mari Centaur Makinami," said Yui. "She can be a little… Kuroko."
"I hate you and everything you stand for because you defiled my pure lesbian waifu," said Mari Eagle Makinami.
"... what kind of idiot would call Yui pure?" asked Gendo.
Kozo Fuyutsuki sneezed as Mari Invincible Makinami stormed out.
"Let's go home," said Gendo. "Oh no! The moon! I'm turning into a giant monkey!"
"Hot!" said Yui.
"Wait a moment, I'm not a giant monkey! It just hurts! I blame the moon!"
"Ah ha!" said EarthScorpion. "Looks like Gendo can't turn into a giant monkey and fight the Angels! Looks like they'll need the Evas!"
"Shut the hell up," said Gendo, before blacking out.
Gendo woke up. "Did I turn into a giant monkey and go on a rampage?" he asked.
"No," said Yui.
"Weird. What's up with your moon?"
"Evangelion exposition Evangelion exposition Evangelion exposition," said Yui.
"Huh. So you're basically a race of Naruto's shadow-clones who've forgotten they're shadow clones?"
"Wrong shounen series," said Yui. "I want to steal the power of basically-God."
"Ballin'," said Gendo.
"Now, back to getting my degree," said Yui. "But first to troll other scientists for my own amusement, because I'm evil."
"Ikaaaaaaaaaaaaaari!" said Naoko Akagi, very butthurt.
"I am amused," said Yui. "Naoko is an old hag."
"I will strangle her some day," said Naoko.
"Ha ha, foreshadowing," said EarthScorpion.
"Shut the hell up," said Naoko.
"I am depressed," said Gendo. "Time to call on Yui for a booty call."
Some people tried to murder him.
"I've cheered up, and to celebrate I'm going for a booty call," Gendo said. "Hi, Yui! Let's have sex because someone tried to murder me."
"Was it the goons of a sinister conspiracy?" Yui asked.
"Yes."
"Then they were Daddy's men." Her phone rang. "Daddy wants you to meet him. He also disapproves of the fact that I'm a modern sexually liberated woman." She checked the script. "Wait, I think I might be a depraved sexualised female villain. Don't care. Get those pants off, Gendo."
"I'm super rich and my parents live in a castle and have a cult army," said Yui.
"Ballin'," said Gendo.
"Hello, I'm Yui's mother," said Ohatsu. "I've murdered several of Yui's boyfriends in the past. I'm pretty evil."
"Oh, Mama!" Yui said fondly. "You're so zany and lovable."
"I'm a mook sent to murder Gendo on her father's orders," said a nameless disposable mook.
"Oh no, don't kill him," said Yui, swooning.
"I didn't kill him, merely permanently maimed him," said Gendo, dusting off his knuckles.
"That's so hot. Let's have sex," said Yui, eyes gleaming.
"Hello, I'm Yui's father," said Mitsuhide. "I've murdered several of Yui's boyfriends in the past and I'm a senior member of an apocalyptic death cult. I'm also evil. I don't like you at all."
"I think we can get along," said Gendo.
"I don't approve of you defiling my daughter," he said. "She's pure and innocent."
"... really, Daddy?" Yui said. "Are you really falling for my persona?"
"Yui, you're not as good a liar as you think," said Ohatsu. "Go talk with your father. I want to talk to Gendo."
"Okay," said Gendo. "What ab-"
Ohatsu punched him in the face.
"Ow."
"I'm actually a Dragonball villain, thematically," said Ohatsu.
"What kind of alien are you?" asked Gendo.
"No, I said Dragonball villain, not Dragonball Z. I'm a martial arts villain who murders your master and steals all your techniques. I approve of you. Defile my daughter all you want, but if you get her pregnant, marry her because she's weak and can't do martial arts."
"There is no risk of her getting pregnant," said Gendo.
"Ha ha, dramatic irony," said EarthScorpion.
"Shut the hell up," said Ohatsu.
"I'm going to Germany," Yui said. "Now I'm in Germany."
"Now I'm depressed without her," said Gendo.
"Sinister conspiring sinister conspiring," said Yui. "All according to the scenario."
"All according to the scenario," agreed Dr Hood. "I'm a member of SEELE. I'm evil."
"I think we should give our giant robots tails," said Yui.
"Hmm. Yes. But we should call them umbilical cables," said Dr Hood.
"You don't know much about babies, do you?" asked Yui.
"Oh, go give your technobabble speech," said Dr Hood.
"Technobabble technobabble technobabble," said Yui. "Phew. That was tiring."
"Hi! I am the only semi-major character in Act 1 who isn't a terrible person. That is the joke!" said Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu brightly.
"No it isn't. The joke is that you're a klutz with the emotional maturity and the common sense of a small child even if you're also a super-genius," said Yui. "Though, yes, you are not evil. And that disgusts me."
"Sorry, what did you say? I was thinking about penguins and how cute they are," Kyoko said, tripping on a banana skin and breaking several valuable things. "Oopsie!"
"That's such a crack characterisation," said the audience.
"Ah ha, actually, no, that's the characterisation used in the Shinji Ikari Raising Project Manga, and so given how little we know about her prior to the contact experiment, it's actually one of the few semi-canonical bits of evidence we have," EarthScorpion said smugly.
"Shut the hell up," said Yui.
"Don't be mean to him," Kyoko said.
"See, she really is the only nice person in this story," EarthScorpion said. "Well, okay, maybe Fuyutsuki sort of counts. But he does want to bang his student." He wobbled his hand. "Kyoko's certainly the best person!"
"That's so sweet!" Kyoko said, giving the author a big hug and accidentally smothering him.
"Hah!" said Yui. "Now that's entertainment." Her phone rang. "Hello?" she asked.
"I got in a wacky off-screen adventure," said Gendo.
"Men!" Yui said tiredly.
"I haven't had a healthy relationship in my life because I'm a terrible judge of character and I'm too trusting, so men take advantage of me," said Kyoko, letting the semi-conscious author drop to the ground. "It's actually really depressing when you think about it."
"Ah, it must be terrible to not be me," said Yui happily.
"It's now 1999, and I'm killing people for SEELE," said Gendo.
"Yui, I worry that Gendo is a bad influence on you," said Fuyutsuki.
"I promise you, he's not," said Yui.
"But he's evil, and you're not evil!"
"Hi, honey, I'm home from murdering people," said Gendo. "I feel so evil."
"Ah, it's good being evil," said Yui. "Now let me cut off your tail so we can go on a field trip."
"No," said Gendo. "Okay."
They went on a field trip.
"Welcome to the Geofront. Now, here's Lilith. She's a giant space monster and the progenitor of my race. What does the scouter say about her power level?"
"It says that power levels are bullshit and that she's so powerful that there's no way anyone will win a direct fight with her. Then it committed seppuku," said Gendo.
"The honourable thing to do," Yui agreed.
"But what about that scene in Dragonball where Master Roshi blew up the moon?" asked the audience. "And that scene in DBZ where Piccolo blew up the moon? If we take those feats, we can see that…"
"Shut the hell up," said EarthScorpion. "PS, Lilith/Broly OTP."
"I'm in Antarctica," said Gendo. "It's fucking cold here. I should grow a beard. Also, Yui made me a new scouter from local materials, but it looks like orange glasses."
"Ha ha, he's looking more and more like canon!Gendo," said EarthScorpion.
"I'm too cold to tell you to shut up," said Gendo.
"I'm a naive scientist patsy," said Dr Katsuragi.
"You're an idiot," Gendo said.
Misato Katsuragi stormed in. "I'm here too, and, like, I'm totally a stereotypical 14-year old who hates her father," she said. "I'm not important right now, but just wait for Act 2." Then she stormed out.
"Ah, random," Gendo said.
"Wanna see Adam?" Dr Katsuragi asked.
"Ballin'," Gendo agreed.
"This is Adam. Oh, no, a convenient distraction. I'm going to leave you behind with Adam while I see what happened."
"I was accidentally a convenient distraction," said Kyoko, back in Tokyo.
"Ikaaaaaaaaaaari!" screamed Naoko, strangling Kyoko's toy doll with a noose made from a mouse cable.
"I'm now going to attack a sleeping god to steal its blood because my girlfriend wants it as a present," Gendo said.
He got slammed against the wall for his trouble.
"Ow. It's sexier when Yui does that. Still, got your blood. Gendo away!"
"Did you get it?" Yui checked.
"Yep."
"Oh my god, stealing power from gods gets me so wet."
"All according to the scenario," said Keel Lorenz.
"All according to the scenario," agreed the rest of SEELE.
"All according to the scenario," concluded Keel Lorenz.
"Stick your Lance of Longinus into my First Angel!" screamed Yui. "Yes!"
"Did the earth just move for you too?" asked Gendo, rolling off.
"Yes, because Second Impact just occurred and the world's angular inclination shifted."
"Wow. That's really good sex," said Gendo in mild awe.
"Three billion people are dead and it's sort of my fault," said Yui. "I'm going to have some character development. I am now slightly less evil."
"You're still evil, though?" Gendo checked.
"Oh, very much so." Yui paused. "Also, I'm pregnant. Evil and pregnant. Pregnantly evil."
"... wait, what? This makes me angry and confused. I'm going to go set fire to Indonesia." Gendo stepped out the window, then stepped back in. "I set fire to Indonesia. You're pregnant?"
"Yes. It's yours. Or I'm literally just Mary, Mother of God."
"Ha ha, biblical symbolism in an Evangelion fanfic," said EarthScorpion.
"Shut the hell up," Gendo said. "How are you pregnant?"
Yui posed dramatically. "Sex makes babies!" she announced.
"Oh mai gawd!"
"Sinister conspiring," said Yui's father. "All according to the scenario."
"Sinister conspiring," agreed Keel Lorenz. "Also, Yui is pregnant. All according to the scenario."
"Not according to the scenario!" Mitsuhide Ikari protested.
"All according to the scenario," disagreed the rest of SEELE.
"Pregnancy sucks," Yui said, hand on her belly. "I should have used a cloning vat."
"I'm also pregnant!" Kyoko said.
"Who let you breed?" said Yui.
"I don't know! I don't even know how it happened! How make babby?"
Yui posed dramatically. "Sex makes babies!" she announced.
"Oh mai gawd!"
"Naoko? Yui and Kyoko want maternity leave."
"Ikaaaaaaari!" Naoko screamed, leaning dangerously far over the balcony in Terminal Dogma.
"What should we name the child?" Yui asked.
"Name them after a vegetable," Gendo said.
"No, their name should reference a ship in some way," Yui disagreed.
"Vegetable!"
"Ship!
"Vegetable!"
"Ship!"
"Oh come on, we all know a boy is going to be called Shinji and a girl is going to be Rei," the audience said, more than a little wearily. "Stop pretending it'll be any other way."
EarthScorpion posed dramatically. "Rei is actually Reice!" he announced.
"Oh mai gawd!"
"Bleargh, I am dying," said Ohatsu.
"No, don't die, Mama!" Yui wailed.
"Yui, I do love you, but you're such a disappointment," Ohatsu said. "I wish you'd have been a Dragonball villain like me, rather than a fancy Dragonball Z villain."
"Ha ha," said EarthScorpion. "All of you readers thinking she was going to change the canon plotline significantly and raise Shinji as a martial artist or something, got you! I just killed off all the pre-Impact martial artists who aren't Gendo."
"Shut the hell up," croaked Ohatsu.
"I'm a terrible father and husband," said Mitsuhide.
"I know, father," Yui said.
"Can't you call me Daddy?" he asked.
"No, because of character growth," Yui said.
Gendo was in space.
"I'm in space," Gendo said.
Yui called him. "The baby's coming!"
"I'm not in space," Gendo said, bursting into the hospital. "Where is she?"
"I WILL RIP OUT YOUR BALLS AND FEED THEM TO YOU BECAUSE OF THE PAIN I AM IN RIGHT NOW!" Yui screamed. She had an epidural. "I am now not in pain, but I am acting tipsy."
"I'm pretty sure that's not how epidurals work," said the members of the audience with experience of them.
"Shut the hell up," said EarthScorpion.
"Is the baby here yet?" asked Yui.
"The baby's here!" said the doctor. "It's a boy… and what a boy! Wait, no, that's the umbilical cord. Wait, no, that's a tail!"
"If you tell anyone, I will murder you," said Gendo. "I am currently the proudest I will ever be of Shinji." He checked his son's power level. "Aaaaaaaand now the downhill slope begins."
"I'm the best mother in human history!" Yui announced proudly. "I beat Precia Testarossa and Ragyo Kiryuin to get an award for my mothering skills."
"Not… exactly a challenge there, darling. Let's send him to conquer an alien planet," Gendo said.
"That'd disrupt the plot, so veto," said EarthScorpion.
"For once, I'm not going to tell him to shut the hell up," said Yui. "Gendo, marry me."
"But that'll make our son not a bastard," Gendo complained.
"Evangelion technobabble," said Naoko Akagi, showing up at the Ikari household.
Yui sighed. "Gendo, look after Shinji."
"I'm adorable and playing with blocks," said Shinji.
"Block!" shouted Gendo.
"Ow!"
"Ha ha, normal saiyan child-raising is child abuse by human standards," said Gendo.
"Still better than canon," said the audience.
"Come on, let me be important!" Fuyutsuki demanded. "Or else I'll go public with all this evidence of the things you're doing wrong!"
"... fine. You can be my henchman in Act 2," said Gendo.
"Yay!"
"You're not dead," Yui said to Fuyutsuki in mild surprise when they met up later in the park.
"Wait, what?"
"Evangelion metaphysics Evangelion metaphysics Evangelion metaphysics," said Yui.
"Ah," agreed Fuyutsuki. "Technobabble technobabble technobabble?"
"Hmm," Yui said. "Evangelion technobabble, but Evangelion metaphysics."
"I am adorable and you will pay attention to me!" shouted tiny Shinji, jumping up and down on a sand pyramid.
"Ah, adorable," said the audience.
"Ah, foreshadowing calls to canon," said EarthScorpion.
"Shut the hell up," said Fuyutsuki.
"All according to the scenario," said SEELE.
"I'mma gonna fuck the scenario harder than I do Gendo," Yui said.
"Sorry, what?"
"I mean, all according to the scenario."
"Ah. All according to the scenario."
Yui looked at Kozo Fuyutsuki over the top of her fingers.
"We're conspiring together," Yui said ominously.
"Yay, I'm important," said Fuyutsuki.
"Evangelion metaphysics Evangelion metaphysics Evangelion metaphysics and so become God!" said Dr Hood.
"He makes me look sane," said Naoko.
"I am adorable and a loving, caring klutz of a mother," said Kyoko.
"I am adorable and more mature than my mother. And I'm three," said Asuka Langley Soryu.
"My husband is an asshole who's cheating on me and doesn't care about me or my daughter," said Kyoko. "But at least I have Asuka. She's the only thing worth anything in my life."
"You're an asshole, EarthScorpion. The feels hurt," said the audience.
"Mwhahaha," said EarthScorpion.
"We're about to do a dangerous experiment with a cloned god. Yui will be in there. I will murder you all if something goes wrong," said Gendo.
"But doesn't that make us nervous and more likely that things will go wrong…" began one engineer.
"Shuddit or he'll murder us all," hissed another one.
"Now, I'm off to devastate a third world nation and brood, to show the readers I'm still evil," said Gendo.
"Small fry," Yui said. "I'm going to cut off my son's tail so I can use it for ominous purposes. I'm still more evil than you, even after character development."
"Oh, come on, mass murder is more evil!"
"But I have the personal touch," Yui argued. "World's best mother, after all, so I'm the best at being evil."
"Well… I'm going to go kill a bunch of SEELE goons!" Gendo said.
"That's technically a good thing to do, darling."
"Fuck."
"Yes, let's! Get those clothes off!"
"Time to do something ominous with Shinji's tail," said Yui, as she changed into her plug suit. "Plus, I took him along so he could watch the consequences. Today I will become God. Or possibly die agonisingly. But at least I'll fuck up the scenario either way, so it's win-win."
"What is Shinji doing in this highly secure scientific research area?" asked Fuyutsuki.
"Ominous last line that's from canon!" said Yui happily.
Depressing timeskipping intermission!
"This is probably the worst thing I've ever written," said EarthScorpion. "Not technically, but… man, it's just trash."
"Here, have praise and critical acclaim," said the audience.
"... goddamnit. All right, you fuckers. I can't believe this is nearly as popular as freakin' Overlady. In that case, watch out for Act 2, coming 2017," EarthScorpion said with a sigh.