AN:

I wrote it when I had w very big fight with my best friend, which was my fault. We are fine now, it was more than a year ago, but we will never be the same. and it still hurts me, because she and I are no longer best friends. she has new best friend, and that just hurts.

You have no idea how it feels, to know that you had the most amazing thing in the world, and you lost it. That's how I feel right now.

And why? Because of something so stupid, this stupid mistake. I wasn't thinking, I acted by my messed instincts. I acted out of rage and anger I should've known I couldn't control.

I had the best friend I could ever ask for. He was always there for me when I needed him, to talk, to laugh, to hug.

I never thought someone with a past and a problem like he has can be so sensitive and considerate. And he was mine, my best friend. And now it's all gone.

I never meant to hurt him. I was an idiot, I didn't think what he would think, what he would feel, what will happen when he'll realize what I've done and what could have been.

I made the worst mistake of my life, and now I'm getting exactly what I deserve.

He's ignoring me. He has every right to. I would ignore me too, if I could.

I didn't even try to explain, because I know no matter what I'll say, it will never be good enough.

I walked in a corridor two days after, and saw him in front of me, holding a book and reading while walking.

I called him, as loud as I could, and he stopped. My heart skipped a beat when he turned around and raised his gaze from the book. That was the first time he looked at me since what had happened.

When he realized it was me who had called him, he did the one thing I had thought he will never do; he turned around and kept walking, ignoring me completely.

I wasn't like him; he was usually a forgiving person. At least, I thought, he would give me a chance to explain, but he didn't, so I didn't explain.

He's probably really mad at me, because it's been a month already. In this month the only words between us was during classes, when we forced to sit next to each other.

"Can you pass me that quill, Sirius?" he asked me two weeks after, at Transfiguration, but he wasn't looking at me.

"Sure," I said and passed him the quill.

And then there was silence.

"Did you write what he said?" he asked me three weeks after, when I sat next to him at Potions. He was looking at the board.

"No." I said.

And then there was silence again.

We didn't speak since then.

He's ignoring me, and I have to ignore him back, because I don't know what else I can do.

I think about all the things we've been through together, and all the things he did for me, all the times he's been there for me.

I don't get it, how could I be so stupid and ruin it, lose him?

I think I'm the most fucked up person alive. I lost the most precious strong thing, real friendship.

I miss him. He's so close, sleeping in the same room, sitting next to me in class, eating at the same table as me. But he's farther from me now than he'd ever been.

I want to tell him that I'm sorry, that I know I've been wrong, and that I want us to be friends again. But it was my fault, and I know he won't forgive me that easily.

I know that except for being sorry, I can't do anything to make things better. He's mad at me, and it will take him a very long time to forgive, if he will at all.

I don't know what I'm going to do if he won't forgive me. I don't even want to think about it. So far this has been the worst month of my life, and I'm dying from guilt, regret and pain.

I want to know there's still hope, that there's still a little chance we'll get back to what we've been before. I want him to be my best friend again, and to be able to laugh with him again.

But that will never happen. Even if he'll forgive me, what happened will always stay there, between us, like an invisible wall that will keep up from being the same as before. This wall will keep me from talking to him when I need someone to talk to, from hugging him when I'm in pain and from laughing with him when I'm happy.

I wish I could go back and change what I did, but I can't. I ruined everything, and now I have to pay the consequences. And that is the worst feeling in the world.