LSOH for Dummies Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just enjoy laughing at it. Sue me if you want, but all you'll get out of it is a battered laptop, a cookie jar full of pennies, and my collection of antique crochet hooks.
Random Disembodied Voice: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...oops, can I start over? (clears throat) In a time period that I am too cryptic to name outright, but bears a suspicious resemblance to the early 1960's, the planet was invaded by terrifying space creatures!
(Zoom in on an oldies trio dressed in puffy polka-dot dresses)
Viewers: AAAAAAAGH!
Jazzy Narrator #1: Not us, idiots!
Jazzy Narrator #2: And I'll have you know these clothes were very fashionable back in the six...er, back in a decade not too long before your own
Jazzy Narrator #3: (facepalm) Let's just move the show along, already. The space invader is over there, in the flower shop.
Viewers: ...
Jazzy Narrators: Stay tuned, it's really much better than it sounds
Mushnik: (whacks Seymour over the head with a broom) You'll work a hundred and twenty hours a week in exchange for a cot in my basement and like it, ingrate! Now go sweep the floor.
Seymour: Y-yes, sir! (meekly obeys, singing softly to himself)
There is a castle on a cloud
I like to go there in my sleep
Aren't any floors for me to sweep
Not in my castle on a cloud...
Audrey: (enters) Hiya, sorry I'm late
Mushnik: (pats her on the back cheerfully) Aw, don't worry about it, kid, nobody's perfect (concerned) Say, you've got a bruise on your face, are you all right?
Seymour: (falls on his face)
Mushnik: You worthless moron, you broke my flowerpots, and you're getting your blood all over my floor! (whacks Seymour with the broom again)
Seymour: Sorry, sir (begins cleaning the floor and singing again)
It's the hard-knock life, for us
It's the hard-knock life, for us...
Audrey: (blushes and giggles) Hi, Seymour
Seymour: (blushes and giggles) Hi, Audrey, you look radiant today
Audrey: Aw, you're a sweet guy, Seymour. If I were single, I'd snatch you right up
Mushnik: Yeah, it's too bad you're tied down to that abusive, sadistic drug addict with no redeeming qualities to his name.
Jazzy Narrators: You can probably see where this subplot's headed. Time to establish the setting!
A grungy looking alley outside the flower shop:
Vocally Gifted Extras: This neighborhood is oppressive and does not facilitate self-actualization
Seymour: (abruptly drops his broom and wanders outside) Yep, I think so too
Audrey: (randomly wanders along after him) Ditto
Seymour: I'd really like to blow this Popsicle stand
Audrey: Ditto
Mushnik: (chases after them) Hey, where do you two think you're going? Quit singing and get back to work!
Back in the shop:
(Mushnik, Seymour, and Audrey sit around sleeping while they wait for a customer to show up)
Mushnik: I may as well close this dump, I'm never going to see any profits!
Seymour: Well, it's your own fault. Paying two full-time clerks to spend the day sleeping isn't a very efficient use of your available funds. You could have saved that money for advertising, or moving to a new location. Why would anybody open a flower shop in the middle of the ghetto in the first place?
Mushnik: (whacks Seymour with the broom again)When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!
Audrey: I think what Seymour means to say, is that he'd like to show you the strange and interesting new plant he's been working on.
Seymour: Huh? Oh, right (brings out something that looks like a cabbage on a stick)
Mushnik: What the hell is that?
Seymour: Beats me. I've been calling it Audrey II
Audrey: After me? (blushes and giggles) Aw, Seymour, you're so sweet! If only I wasn't tied down to that abusive, sadistic drug addict.
Mushnik: What does it do?
Seymour: I dunno
Mushnik: Where'd it come from?
Seymour: Beats me
Mushnik: How is it going to help us?
Seymour: (shrug) I thought maybe if we rubbed it, it would grant us wishes (begins to rub the plant)
Mushnik: Wrong Menken musical, kid
(Customers miraculously flood the shop)
Mushnik: Well, what do you know? It works!
Customer: Hey, what's that?
Seymour: Magic cabbage
Customer: Cool! Where'd you get it?
Seymour: Well, I--
Jazzy Narrators: DA-DOO!
Seymour: AGH! Who are you?!
Jazzy Narrators: Don't mind us, we're just the Greek chorus
Seymour: Oh. (a beat) Okay. Well, as I was saying, the plant inexplicably materialized in an otherworldly flash of green light during that freak eclipse last week. Oh, but I'm sure there's nothing sinister about it.
Customer: Um, right. Here's a hundred bucks. Maybe you can use it to pay for some therapy.
Mushnik: And the money came rolling in from every side!
The flower shop at closing time:
Audrey: Well, I'd love to stick around and celebrate, but I have a date with my abusive, sadistic, drug-addict boyfriend. Later, dudes!
Mushnik: (shakes his head) She should really dump that guy. Abusive behavior should never be tolerated.
Seymour: I agree, sir
Mushnik: Shut up, you miserable little worm! (whacks Seymour with that pesky broom again) Now go down to the basement and weed the magic cabbage!
A dreary basement apartment that appears to have no bathroom:
Seymour: Aw, Twoey, I wish I could figure out how to make you grow. I know! I'll sing you a lullaby! How do you feel about retro-60's doo-wop music?
Audrey II: (gets fed up and bites Seymour's finger)
Seymour: Ow! Okay, okay, I'll sing you some alternative rock instead.
Audrey II: (drinks Seymour's blood)
Seymour: Oh, so you're vampiric? Well, no matter. I'm still sure there's nothing sinister about you. (calmly squeezes blood into the mysterious vampire plant's maw.)
A radio station full of weirdos
John Candy: I'M SO VERY WEIRD! ! !
Seymour: Er...okay, then.
John Candy: So where'd you get the magic cabbage?
Seymour: Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun about a week ago?
Jazzy Narrators: DA-DOO!
Seymour: AGH! (jumps, startled) Why do you three keep following me around? !
Back at the flower shop:
Mushnik: (sitting by the radio) That kid and his cabbage are such great advertising!
Audrey: Hi, sorry I missed your advertising ploy, but I was busy getting smacked around by...
Mushnik: (waves her off , looking tired) ...your abusive, sadistic, drug-addict boyfriend, right, right.
Jazzy Narrator #1: Honey, it may surprise you to hear this, but that abusive, sadistic drug-addict of yours is bad news
Jazzy Narrator #2: Yeah, you need to find yourself a new man.
Jazzy Narrator #3: How about that cute little nerd who's always following you around and treating you like a queen? (hint, hint)
Audrey: You mean Seymour? (laughs uneasily) That's the craziest thing I ever heard! I can't believe you're suggesting that Seymour and I should fall in love, get married, run away to an idyllic suburban paradise, and live happily ever after with 2.3 children and a little white picket fence. Hah, hah, hah.
Jazzy Narrators: (stare quizzically)
Audrey: Um, I have to go now (runs off nervously)
Audrey's apartment:
Audrey: Okay, don't tell the narrators, but I like to daydream about Seymour and I falling in love, getting married, running away to an idyllic suburban paradise, and living happily ever after with 2.3 children and a little white picket fence.
Viewers: Aw!
A/N: Sorry to end it here, but I've got a term paper due on Friday. I'll be back with the second half soon!