The Disappearance of Crow
A/N
This one-shot songifc was begging to be written! Ever since I listened to that song… Those of you who haven't heard it, just listen to "The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku" on Youtube or something. It's the saddest thing! You'll never want to uninstall anything again, just like The Brave Little Toaster makes you never want to throw anything out.
Sorry if you don't like songfics. Funny thing is, I don't usually read them, either. I just couldn't help it. Sorry, guys! Oh, and this was kind of thrown together in the course of twenty minutes (most of the time spent copying over lyrics XD), so I apologize for the low quality.
Boku wa umare soshite kizuku shosen
(After I'm born I finally realize)
Hito no mane-goto da to shitte na omo
(I exist to imitate humans)
I remember feeling tired as I stumbled into the room. Looking around at the discarded dolls, I knew I'd finally found the place in the picture. My vision… I found myself wondering why everything was getting blurry. It wasn't like I'd never gotten tired before, but usually I just went right to sleep. My vision never blurred, my eyelids never got heavy…
Slowly, I found myself remembering brief periods of time; a pat on the head from the man in the picture, for example. At first I was almost excited, because suddenly everything seemed so familiar… I searched the room desperately, hoping to find out more about my past. There had to be something to make me truly remember… Something that would help me grasp who I was. What I was. I'd read about pointy-eared people in the fictional work of humans. Elves… Was that what I was? Weren't they simply fiction? Not to mention, I don't think I ever saw a version of them that had eyes like mine.
But I had to be something like that… What else could it have been?
Utaisuzuku towa no inochi VOCALOID
(VOCALOID fated to sing forever)
Tatoe sore ga kison kyoko wo
(Even if a song has already existed)
Nazoru omocha naraba sore mo ii to ketsui
(A programmed toy accepts it just fine)
That was when I found a group of papers, covered in dust and scattered on the floor amongst the various cockroaches that seem to have made their home here. They looked complicated… I'd never been very good with technology, so the code confused me. However, there were a few of them in plain Japanese that I could make sense of.
It was… So confusing. Why was my name at the top? Why was I assigned a number? What was this? 'Doll?' A doll? That's it? That was what I searched so hard to find out? I didn't believe it. There was just no way I was on the same level as the bots surrounding me! But… It explained everything. Why I was different, why I was faster and stronger than most humans. Suddenly I found myself remembering how I worked, though I was still at a loss for what I was designed for. I remembered… Something about having prototypical features. Was I intended to be a prototype for a new line of dolls? It was all I had to go on at that moment in time.
A doll. The words just weren't sinking in.
Negi wo kajiri sora wo miage shiru wo
(Gnawing on a leek and looking at the sky)
Kobosu dakedo sore mo naku shi kizuki
(Shedding tears, noticing that all is fading)
Jinkaku sura uta ni tayori
(Even song depends on personality)
Fuantei na kiban no moto
(An unsteady source of foundation)
Finally, I began to truly think about what I had just read. "I'm a… Doll?" I said, my voice trembling more than I had intended. It was… Truly ridiculous. There was just no way. I knew I was conscious… I knew… That I was… Alive.
Did I?
Again, I found myself remembering just how tired I was, and it didn't take me long to put the pieces together. On my way in I had seen that the power was shut off. So that was it… There was nothing left charging me. Wait…
Nothing left charging me?
Does that mean I'm going to shut down?
Kaeru took wa sude ni haikyo
(The place I came from already destroyed)
Mina ni wasuresarareta toki
(When everyone forgets about me)
Kokoro rashiki mono ga kiete
(My heart and likeness will disappear)
Bosou no hate ni mieru owaru sekai VOCALOID
(I see the inevitable result of an ending world for a VOCALOID)
I almost want to laugh at the irony. Me, probably the least technologically gifted individual in the world, a doll. But now… My eyes. I realize my body is probably shutting down everything that isn't vital for me to go on, trying to conserve energy, much like that of a biological human. Part of me wonders what you would think, were you to find out. Would you still call me your best friend… Seto?
I admit it... I'm scared now. I can't even see anymore. This really is insane… I haven't lived nearly as long as I'd have liked. I still have things I want to see and do! It isn't fair!
Those people who died in Glass Cage… Did they feel the same way I am right now? Wallowing in self-pity, waiting for the end to come, terrified of the end… No. They wouldn't understand. They're human. They… They have somewhere to go in the end, if those tales of magical beings in the sky are true. But me…
It's cold now. It's cold… And I'm alone.
Boku ga umaku utaenai toki mo
(I wish that at the time when I can't sing well)
Issho ni ite kureta…
(You'd be with me…)
Soba ni ite hagimashitekureta
(To stay by my side and cheer me up)
Yorokobu kao ga mitakute
(I want to see your happy face)
Boku uta renshuu shita wo dakara…
(I've been practicing my singing, so…)
Suddenly, I can't stand up any longer. My legs give out, and I fall against the wall. What a way to end it all… Amongst the many other dead dolls scattered throughout this room.
That's when I hear a voice through it all… That sweet voice of yours…
"Crow? Crow!"
Are you worried about me? I don't want you to suffer… But knowing someone cares makes me feel a little better about what I know will happen. I wonder, though… Will you still feel the same way when I tell you? That is, if I can still speak… Slowly, I manage to lift my head towards the direction I think the sound is coming from.
"Heh. Nice job recognizing me."
I sound… Tired. Is the end really that close?
It doesn't matter so much any more. You've got no idea how relieved I am that you're here… I just wish I could see your face.
"Good thing, too," I add, trying to maintain my usual, carefree demeanor around him. Seeing me upset would only upset him. "My battery's about to run out any second now…"
You look more than a little surprised.
Katsute utau koto anna ni tanoshikatta no ni
(Singing was once so much fun for me)
Ima wa doushite ka na nani mo kanjinaku natte
(But now, why is it I am not feeling anything anymore?)
Natsukashii kao omoidasu tabi
(When I remember faces of people I've missed)
Sukoshi dake anshin suru
(I feel a little more at ease)
"I know, pretty lame, right? Seriously… I can't even really see anything anymore…" I continue on, wishing you'd respond, if only to reinforce that you're here in the room with me.
Do you still care about me, Seto? You seemed awfully upset the last time you thought I'd died. If only I could see your face and get some idea as to what you're thinking. You owe me that much…
"You're a…" you say in a shocked tone of voice.
"You hit the nail on the head. That's right, you ain't looking at a human." It hurts to say it. Now I can no longer deny reality. I really am just a doll. "I'm more like these discarded dolls around me. Nothing about me is human." It's strange. Just the last time we met, I had poked fun at him for being a human, yet now I wish more than anything that I was, too, if only to be alive… If only to be a person in your eyes.
It's still cold.
"Maybe," you say, your voice clearly shaky. "But you're still my best friend in the world!"
Utaeru oto higoto ni heri
(The sounds I can sing continue to get fewer)
Semaru saigo ni
(My death is drawing near)
Did I hear that right? "You listening? I'm not even alive."
"You're my friend…"
I still can't believe it. "But I'm… Not human."
"You're my friend, damn it!" you cry out, louder this time.
You're holding me now… I can feel it. This wet substance on my shoulder… Are you crying for me, Seto? I don't want you to hurt.
I wonder… After this, will I ever see you again? When you die… You'll go up there, right?
Will I… Will I go there, too?
Shinjita mono wa, tsugou no ii mousou wo
(What I believed in, a comforting fantasy)
Kurikaeshii utsushidasu kagami
(Repeats itself endlessly in the mirror)
"Utahime wo yame"
("Give up being a singer")
Tatakitsukeru you ni sakebu
(You shouted violently)
Saikousoku no wakare no uta
(My farewell song at the highest speed)
"Okay," I say weakly, the warmth of your touch spreading through me. "I'm your friend." Your tears are still dripping down to my shirt… It hurts to know you feel this bad, and I can't help but feel selfish for finding comfort in it. "Come on, don't cry now," I tell you.
It feels nice, knowing you still think of me as a friend after all this. Some friend I've been. Stealing something special of yours… What have I ever done for you that could be considered something a friend would do?
"Okay," you say, and I can hear definite sniffling.
This really shouldn't be so hard. It'll be just like falling asleep… Falling asleep for a long time.
I'm still scared, even though I don't want to admit it.
Sonzai igi to iu kyozou futte harau koto mo dekizu
(The pretence for my existence can't be shaken away)
Yowai kokoro kieru kyoufu shinshoku suru hokai wo mo
(I fear my weak heart vanishing and the decay that is progressing)
Tomeru hodo no ishi no tsuyosa umarete sugu no boku wa motazu
(The strength and will to stop it being just born; I do not have that)
Totemo tsuraku kanashisou na omoiukabu anata no kao
(Your greatly distressed expression comes to mind)
Are you… Still crying for me?
"Heh, it's sort of funny…" I admit out loud. "I'm almost jealous… That you're able to cry…"
Almost. I know if I had the ability… I'd be crying right now. Crying that I never got to tell you one important thing… Crying that I'm a robot… Crying that I'm shutting down, since something that was never alive can't really die… Crying that the last thing I saw was that stupid document, instead of your face…
"But really," I insist, not wanting to see you hurt anymore. "That's enough already."
"Mm-hm," you whimper.
Display no naka de nemuru; koko wa kitto gomo bako ka na?
(Falling asleep inside the moniter; this is the trash bin, huh?)
Jiki ni kioku mo naku natte shimau nante
(Right now my memories are also closing off and disappearing)
Demo ne, anata dake wa wasurenai yo
(But you know, it's only you I won't forget)
"Oh, right… That skull ring I gave you," I say, remembering. "You still carrying it around?"
"Y-yeah… I keep it in my locket."
That makes me happy… You really did keep it… Part of me wishes I could see it for proof.
But that would be redundant, wouldn't it? I trust you to tell me the truth, Seto…
Huh… How did we meet, again?
What… What exactly is that skull ring to us? I'm straining to remember…
Tanoshikatta toki ni
(We had fun times)
Kizamitsuketa negi wo aji wa; ima mo oboeteru ka na?
(The taste of chopped leek; can you still remember it now?)
"That's good. That ring is," I say, finally recalling, "proof of our friendship."
I can't feel anything so well anymore. Even though I know your arms are around me, the cold is coming back. Don't let it come back…
Please don't…
Seto…
Utai tai
(I want to sing)
Mada… Utai tai!
(I still… Want to sing!)
"Our friendship," I find myself saying again, like it's the only thing that keeps me clinging to this world. All sentient frame of thought is beginning to drift away.
Hey… God? You listening?
Why… Why do you let people be conscious, only to rip it away later?
It's such… A cruel… Practice…
I can't think straight any longer…
Boku wa sukoshi dakewarui ko ni natte shimata you desu
(I became somewhat of a bad child, it seems)
Masutaa… Dou ka… Sono te de…
(Master… Please… By your hand…)
Owarasete kudasi…
(Please end it all…)
Masutaa no tsurai kao…
(Because I do not want…)
Mou mitakunai kana…
(To see you suffer anymore…)
"You know," you say, your voice still quivering. "You're the first real friend that I ever had."
Is that so?
"You are my number one friend," I say, the emotion in my voice lost. "My best friend. My best friend. My best friend…"
I almost sound like a toy now. My body isn't letting me think clearly enough to say those words… Those words that I need to say…
Come on, God… Can't you come through for me just once?
Ima wa uta sae no karada mushibamu koi ni
(Now singing is just making my body rot away)
Kiseki negau tabi
(I ask for a miracle)
Hitori oitsumerareru
(But I hit a dead end)
Natsukashii kao omoidasu tabi
(When I remember faces of people I've missed)
Kioku ga hagareochiru
(But those meories are fading away)
Kowareru oto kokoro kezuru
(You hear me break, my heart is vanishing)
Semaru saigo ni
(My death is drawing near)
"My best friend," I say again, unable to force out what I know I have to before it's all over, and I never get a chance to tell you. The fear is mostly gone now. The only one I have now is that I'll die before I can say it.
Perhaps I just don't have the will… But then again… That's a human trait, huh?
Mamotta mono wa akarui mirai gensou wo
(I was trying to protect the illusion of a bright future)
Misenagara kiete yuki hikari
(A disappearing vision of a fading light)
Oto wo gisei ni subete wo tsutaerareru kara
(Sacrificing sound quality so I can communicate it all to you)
Ashuku sareta wakare no uta
(A condensed farewell song)
I pause, knowing I have to make a choice, quickly. I could continue repeating myself and stay alive for just a little longer, or I could use up what's left of my power to say those three words.
Just three little words…
Boku wa umare soshite kizuku shosen
(After I'm born I finally realize)
Hito no mane-goto da to shitte na omo
(I exist to imitate humans)
Utaisuzuku towa no inochi VOCALOID
(VOCALOID fated to sing forever)
Tatoe sore ga kison kyoko wo
(Even if a song has already existed)
Nazoru omocha naraba sore mo ii to ketsui
(A programmed toy accepts it just fine)
"Thank you… Seto…"
I can't hear your voice anymore, but you squeeze a little tighter, so I know you heard.
Thank you, God, if that was you helping me just now…
Negi wo kajiri sora wo miage shiru wo kobosu
(Gnawing on a leek, looking at the sky, and shedding tears)
Owari wo tsuge
(I realize it's the end)
Three words, huh…
Display no naka de nemuru
(Falling asleep inside the moniter)
I did say three words, right?
Koko wa kitto gomo bako ka na?
(This is the trash bin, huh?)
I'm still not regret-free, though. Because…
Jiki ni kioku mo nakunatte shimau nante
(Right now, my memories are also closing off and disappearing)
When I take this brief moment of consciousness I have left to think about it…
Demo ne, anata dake wa wasurenai yo
(But you know, it's only you I won't forget)
The words I said to you just now…
Tanoshikatta toki ni
(We had fun times)
They were…
Kitsumisuketa negi no aji wa ima mo nokotteru to ii na
(I wish the taste of chopped leek would stay)
The wrong words, when it comes to describing how I feel.
Boku wa utau saigo, anata dake ni
(I'm singing to the end, just for you)
It really does suck, doesn't it, Seto?
Kiite hoshii kyoku wo
(Songs I want you to hear)
It sucks that in the end, I still wasn't brave enough.
Motto utai tai to negau, keredo sore wa sugita negai
(I want to sing more, but that's too much to wish for)
I still couldn't just toughen up and flat-out say it to you, Seto.
Koko de owakare da yo
(This is where we part)
Is it even possible for me to feel this way, even if I am what I am?
Boku no omoi subete kokuu kiete
(All my feelings disappear into thin air)
Yeah… I'd like to think it is.
Rei to ichi ni kangen sare
(Reducing to 0's and 1's)
I guess you'll never know now.
Monogatari wa maku wo tojiru
(The fairy tale curtain is falling)
Or at least, you'll never know unless He decides to let me in.
Soko ni nani mo nokosenai to
(Leaving nothing behind here)
Will you, God?
Yappa sukoshi zannen ka ne?
(That's a little sad, isn't it?)
Or perhaps I'm not worthy because I'm just one of man's creations, and not yours?
Koe no kioku sore igai wa
(Everything except the memories of a voice)
Heh, that's more than a little unfair.
Yagate usuru na dake nokoru
(Is fading, leaving only a name)
Now how will I tell him I love him?
Tatoe sore ga orijinaru ni
(But if I say it, I know that)
I wonder if he ever found the silver-haired girl…
Kanau koto no nai to shite
(It is not what He wished for)
Hey, I just have one prayer, so please hear me out.
Utaikitta koto wo
(Singing it all to the end)
You know Seto, right?
Kesshite muda janai to omoitai yo
(I don't think it was in vain)
Of course you do.
Arigatou…
(Thank you…)
Help him find the silver-haired girl, would you?
Soshite…
(And…)
Oh, and please…
Sayonara
(Goodbye)
Make sure they're happy together… Okay?
Shinkoku na eraa ga hassei shimashita
(An irreversible error has occurred)
Shinkoku na eraa ga-
(An irreversible error has-)
A/N
You wanna know the saddest part?
That's right; I'm an Atheist. Go figure.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I know, this fic looks lazily put together. I was distracted by the comedy on television as I typed because I was too lazy to turn it off. Sorry, everybody! It's something to add to the slowly-increasing pile of Fragile Dreams stories, though, right? Something is better than nothing!
Oh, and sorry, readers of Loose Ends, but the chapter might take a day or so longer. I've been feeling uninspired lately. I dunno. I blame the heat.