And all of my obsessing to find the perfect words
Sick of second guessing, I didn't mean to make you hurt
Didn't mean to make you hurt, hurt hurt
He felt like the air was being sucked out of his lungs and someone had kicked him in the stomach. He felt the sudden urge to throw up. To cry. To scream.
No he thought, she wouldn't do something like that. Not Lucy.
She was a fighter. She wouldn't just give up like this.
Logan stood next to him, holding him, sustaining him so he wouldn't fall down.
„Logan, to the hospital. Now."
It had been two weeks. She still hadn't woken up. Still sleeping, unaware of everything around her, not knowing he was there. Still in coma. The doctors said that she was brain-dead. The machines were keeping her alive. She wasn't there anymore, that's what they told him. She isn't there anymore. Sitting at her bed. Watching her. She looked so pale. So..dead. The bandages on her wrists would remind him why she was here. How everything was his fault. He had broken her heart, she couldn't take it. He would always remember her last words.
„No, no it's okay Kendall. I understand. I mean, it's easy right. You just don't feel that way. It's okay. No big deal. You, you marked your name, just not on me." she sighed. „I can't change it. I can't ask you to want me the way I want you."
„Lucy.." he started but she cut him off
„No. Don't start to apologize, don't even try to say how this is your fault and it has nothing to do with me and I don't need your it's not you it's me crap. I've had enough of that believe me."
He shivered, he hated himself for hurting her. He could see the ache in her eyes. She looked broken. And she started crying. It wasn't the kind of crying you would expect from a teenager, no, she sounded like a woman that had just lost a child. Or a victim whose last hope had just been taken away. That kind of crying. He hugged her, and felt her tears falling on his forearm. He was the reason for them. She tried to push him away, and turned around. "Leave me alone Kendall. I don't need you."
Leave me alone Kendall, I don't need you.
The sentence was echoing through his head like a melody. A constant reminder of what he had done. He had hurt her. So bad. Her dark-browned eyes had been filled with fear and now, as he looked back on everything. It made sense. Her last hope had been taken away. She had nothing left to hold on to. She couldn't go to her family. Camille had never liked her. She had no friends, a shitty ex-boyfriend, and then, after she almost had him...he had just broken her heart. It was all his fault.
He wanted her to open her eyes. To move a finger, a toe. Or just make a noise. But she did nothing. Brain-dead. Such an awful word. Perfectly describing the terrible situation. He thought about all the things he would tell her when she would wake up. How James had adopted a dog. How Logan and Camille had been sorry for , well being not so nice to her. He would tell her about Carlos' date with one of the jennifers. And how he had left Jo. For her. He had done it for her. Before he knew what was going on. Before she tried to...
Before she had tried to kill herself.
He sat next to her bed, trying to read some book he had bought earlier that day. But he couldn't concentrate. He could see the words before his eyes, recognizing and understanding them. But they just wouldn't make sense in his head. He could read the words, yet not apprehend the sentence and what they meant. His gaze would always ramble in her direction. Somehow he couldn't stop looking at here, her pale skin, her expressionless face. She had lost so much blood. Too much blood.
Leave me alone Kendall, I don't need you.
And without wanting to he murmured, "Yes you did, and yes you do. Lucy motherfucking Stone. Don't say you don't need me. You do."
No reaction
He didn't really expect something else but still. He felt so guilty, full of remorse. Regretting everything he had said to her. Everything he had done. Everything he hadn't.
Leave me alone Kendall, I don't need you.
He could still hear her voice, full of accusations, her reproachful look. He couldn't blame her.
Why should he. Everything was entirely his fault. No one else to blame. Nobody's fault but his.
"Lucy? I don't know if you can hear me but, still, ehm." unable to find the right words he let out a sigh and shrugged. "Whatever. Lucy, if you can hear me. I Love you. I'm not just saying because, well, because of this. But, you know. The doctors..." tears were already streaming down his face. He didn't want to lose her, and as the doctors told him about their plans he felt like they had torn him apart. Stabbed him, turned him inside out. Killed him in every possible way but somehow he was still breathing. He felt like he was dead but breathing. A living corpse. His thoughts didn't make sense anymore and he was desperately waiting for the moment when his brain would shut down. Praying for an emotional stupor. Not feeling anything. He took a deep breath and tried to continue. Having trouble with recognizing the hoarse, soft voice as his own. "The doctors, oh god. The doctors want to shut them down Lucy. The machines. They want to shut them down."
He grabbed her hand, pinching it. Trying to provoke a reaction. But she didn't respond. He leaned forward. His head above hers. And without thinking he lowered his lips on her. Her lips were still so soft, it reminded him of their first kiss.
No reaction.
"Lucy, if you can hear me. I love you lucy. I love you. I fucking love you." he was uncontrollably sobbing by now. "Please. I love you. I need you Lucy. I can't go on without you. I fucking love you. Lucy. Please. Please come back."
It didn't take him long to finally realize.
She wasn't coming back.
She would never come back
And this was all his fault.
Break another mirror to keep away the stares
Of another guilty reflex, a reflection left in tears
And all of my obsessing, tell me what was it worth?
Guess I should have learned my lesson, I didn't mean to make you hurt
Didn't mean to make you hurt, hurt, hurt