She still doesn't think it was a good idea. Or a sane idea at all.
It's a funny concept, getting pregnant when she is way past her younger, child-bearing years. She had Emily at 27 and Ricky at 31, and she's now what? Turning 56 next month with an eight-month-old infant, a white Labrador, and one person she's risked all because his love for her swallows her whole being.
Getting pregnant, for her, is simultaneously the most amazing feeling and the most dreadful thing a woman could ever experience. She would never trade anything for Ricky, Emily, or Rusty, even if Rusty didn't come from her. But this…what she has right now?
It's surreal and crazy and it makes her scared every day of her life.
So very, very scared.
"Sharon? Why are you filing a resignation letter? What's all this?"
She stood up slowly, closed the blinds in her office, and proceeded to hug Andy in the middle of the room. She's been a few inches shorter because she's been in her flats and boots lately— feeling nauseous during the past few weeks, and going about in heels didn't seem like a fantastic idea if you're about to throw up all of your breakfast or walk all over the building like you're on thin ice. She inhaled his scent greedily and instantly calmed down. She remained in her position, face half-squished on his chest, her voice muffled when she started talking,
"I'm going to tell you something really important. And I want you to not get excited and not get confused and not get—"
"So basically you're asking me to not freak out? Don't file your resignation just yet, let's talk." Andy chuckled, his hands running up and down soothingly on Sharon's back. She's been having backaches for days now. And even though she knows that she can get relief from warm compresses, she always, always calls for Andy's gentle hands to massage it away.
She sometimes feels guilty because they still work terrible hours, especially Andy, and barely has time for sleep at home. But that's the beauty of it for her-perks of living together. When they officially moved in together, they don't always see each other but they know at the end of the day, they both will go home to each other's arms. And she's spoiled rotten on Andy's massage. Actually, she's spoiled rotten from Andy in general.
She tilted her head upward, her overall demeanor betraying the fear evident in her eyes. Andy saw this through her emerald orbs and tightened his embrace around her.
"I'm pregnant."
8 months have gone by so quickly— Madison Raydor Flynn is already sitting by herself and gurgles incessantly, to the joy of his father. Her bright green eyes and pink cheeks always make Andy Flynn melt into a puddle, and he'd always admit how in love he is with his new daughter. She sometimes thinks she's been replaced as the queen of Andy's heart. She chuckles to herself at the thought; she's fine with that.
Maddie's eyes cross for a moment when a cotton fluff lands on her nose and then gets blown away by the sea wind. Nacho Jr.'s wet nose nudges her cheek suddenly and she squeals and laughs loudly, making the snow white lab huff a little before he lays his head on Maddie's side where they're sitting on the floor of their porch facing the sea. Andy is sitting right behind Maddie, watching everything happen with a goofy smile.
"Oh Nacho Maddie's still playing with you! Come on boy, get up!" Andy says animatedly, his daughter looking at him with her gummy smile. She already has the beginnings of baby teeth in her upper gums. Teething should be one problem for the little infant and essentially, for Sharon and Andy, but she doesn't fuss so much about it. Sharon fights a smile from forming on her own lips at the thought. Ricky and Emily were so irritated about their teeth when they were Maddie's age.
Sharon is lounging on the couch at the terrace, looking after her little brood. Crazy.
It's like the last three decades began to play again before her very eyes. Only this time she has someone to experience everything with her. Andy Flynn.
Insane. All of it.
8 months after giving birth and she has this new family unit all of a sudden. 8 whole months of just being a mother. She feels like she will go insane. No case to solve, no criminal to lock behind bars, no deal, no—
Stop it Sharon.
When she had Ricky and Emily, she only had a few months to spend at home and then it's back to work again, sometimes, bringing her little ones to the police station. This time, it's not like that anymore.
The first month after Madison came out to say hello to the world was spent inside the hospital. To her it has been a slow and agonizing crawl of time. Recovery needed time for her not-so-young body but after fully recovering, she had nothing to do anymore.
To say that the pregnancy was sensitive and precarious was the understatement of the decade. Her first trimester, she had to ask for a vacation leave then a maternity leave, to the surprise and delight of the squad, because, who gets a baby at this point in their lives right? Everyone was excited for the baby and worried about the complications of Sharon's pregnancy. Provenza took over, his concern hidden behind his huffy reaction to Andy's "Ready to be a godfather to my kid?". The congratulations resounded all around the LAPD but she knows there was that tinge of judgement to those who were extremely baffled at what happened.
"This is my kid, our child. Don't give a rat's ass about what they think."
"At this point in our lives, we should be retiring, not getting ready for a new child." She whispered, her voice defeated, her eyes welling up in tears. She hated pregnancy hormones, she really did.
"At this point in my life, I'm happy to start a new life with you. It just so happens that we're having a little one, too." Andy said as he paused and faced Sharon squarely. He held her chin lightly on his fingers and kissed her forehead gently. He stared into her eyes, those brown eyes that she has loved for so long.
"I told you my decision. I'm going through this, but only if you want the child. You can always stop this. It's your body, it's your decision."
Tears escaped Sharon's eyes. She was scared but she never thought the two of them would work and what more, have this human being inside of her. She's decided, and even if she has to take a break from law enforcement, or retire early, it was something she wouldn't exchange the world for. She just needs to know how Andy would support her because she cannot make it alone. She can't do it on her own—well she can, but it will be harder and extremely and impossibly uncertain.
More aches began though she continued to be physically active. Andy helping her brisk walk and do yoga, even if the sight of him bending in difficult positions were enough to make Sharon finish her cardio via laughing out loud. They ate a diet that Rusty would actively avoid. And one day, the most interesting thing happened to their household. It was when Andy brought a white Labrador pup home.
"Don't tell me." Sharon said awestruck, seated comfortable on a mountain of pillows situated at their couch in the living room, tutted at Andy after he released the dog's leash from its collar. The pup was still scared, its tail tucked between its legs, hiding behind Andy's foot.
"I won't tell you." Andy chuckled at her, picking up the little pup, around 6 months old, with a rounded belly and onyx eyes. "But his name is Nacho Jr." He grinned. She knew it was a lost cause when one Andy Flynn grins at her.
Andy ended up adopting Nacho, but the poor dog suffered a heart attack a few months after Andy took him in. He was devastated, even Sharon thought she couldn't console him.
But then he brings home a puppy when she's almost done with her second trimester.
"I figured little Maddie would need a cuddle buddy as she grows up. Rusty's a little too big for her, don't you think?"
Sharon bit her lower lip to stifle a smile. "Why do you always think that our child will be a girl? You always call her Maddie. Madison. Little Maddie. What if he's actually a boy?"
Andy put the puppy down, and it began to bound towards Sharon in tiny little steps. Sharon picked him up and placed him on her lap. The pup wasn't exactly little, but she liked him already. Nacho Jr. curled at the warmth from her belly and settled, shaking and mewling no more. Andy sat beside her, as Sharon carefully shifted herself so her back is against Andy's chest. Andy wrapped his arms around her stomach and kissed her cheek.
"I know she's a girl, I just know. And she's our little Madison."
They thought it was going to be alright. Sharon's fears dissipated and she felt like all of her worries were unfounded. Andy was there for her, has always been there for her, will always be there for her no matter what happens. She didn't have to think of anything else that is not important.
Until she got to her third trimester.
She felt her age creep at her all of a sudden. When the kicking started and the pains became more unbearable each day, she'd wake up sweating, crying, and sometimes out of breath. One particular night when that happened to her, Andy was out for a murder investigation and she was so stubborn that she ended up bringing herself to the hospital because she didn't want to impede on Andy or her division's crime scene.
When Andy found out that Sharon was in the hospital the next morning and that she brought herself there, he was simultaneously seething and at the verge of tears when he finally saw Sharon. What if he wasn't able to get there on time?
At the end of that night, the doctors told her that she had to be confined in the hospital until she delivers Madison via C-section. It was her first time since Ricky and Emily both came out via normal delivery. She was devastated and confused— they did all they can to keep herself and the baby healthy. What went wrong? Where did they go wrong? She didn't have answers to her questions but she was sure of one thing: she's determined to bring Madison in their lives.
So stay in the hospital, she did.
Madison Raydor-Flynn was clearly as stubborn as her father, as she wanted to see the world already. She was too excited making her two weeks premature when she was delivered. She was a healthy 8-pound girl with lungs that could rival the great Maria Callas. Andy was so relieved that their child was healthy, but his relief lasted all but two seconds when the monitors started bleeping like crazy. Madison's cry was the last sound Sharon heard before she crashed in the delivery room, her vital signs suddenly giving out and her blood too thin to reinstate back in her body.
It took her a long time to recover, and Andy was beyond worried about her and their child every day that went by that Sharon wasn't awake.
"She's going to be fine, Maddie. Mommy's going to be fine." Andy cooed to his three-day-old daughter, tears mightily stranded in his eyes as he looked at her in the nursery room. Sharon was still heavily medicated and unconscious. Every day Andy would visit his daughter in the nursery, and his wife in the ICU, hoping and praying to whomever was listening to him, to let him have the both of them alive and healthy when they leave the hospital.
Sharon woke up after Maddie's first week. The first image she saw was Andy sleeping in an uncomfortable chair, their little Maddie sound asleep on his chest.
The Raydor kids immediately came over when their mother gave birth to Maddie, and even though they were initially shocked by the news that their mother was pregnant, (Rusty's reaction was still the most precious thing that Sharon has ever seen from her boy), going to their mom was the right thing to do. They helped Andy go through the ministrations of day-to-day life while waiting patiently for Sharon to wake up. There were times that Andy would just leave Maddie in the nursery, and Emily took the opportunity to hold little Maddie and talk to Andy about them.
Now, they are always delighted to visit them at home because of Maddie and Nacho Jr. And it warms her heart to see all of her children in one place. She remembers when they were finally discharged from the hospital, Sharon fully recovered physically, and has been therefore, inseparable with Maddie. Upon getting home, one of the cutest things happened that very day they arrived that involved Nacho Jr. and Andy.
Nacho Jr. was waiting patiently for them by the porch when they arrived. The white lab was never a noisy pup, and unlike most of the litter he came from, he's a subdued young dog. Now more than a year old and a good few months in the Raydor-Flynn household, he's become a great companion to Sharon and Andy. He still goes by Nacho as an ode to the original Nacho Andy took in a year ago.
Andy opened the gate and Nacho Jr. walked to meet them, tail wagging happily. He saw Andy holding Maddie's carrier, the 1–month old new addition to the household busy dreaming baby dreams. Nacho Jr. raised his head to acknowledge the little human on Andy's arm as Sharon entered the abode and gave their little lab a scratch behind its ears. She wanted to sleep for three days straight in her own bed with Maddie and Andy, and Nacho Jr. snuggled at the foot of their bed.
Andy knelt down and placed Maddie's carrier on the floor so Nacho Jr. could properly see her. Maddie sighed a little as Nacho Jr. sniffed the carrier and then Maddie's head. Sharon got a bit agitated when she saw Andy letting Nacho Jr. sniff her daughter but then the lab placed its head on Maddie's carrier, just at the end of it, and stayed there.
It was then that Sharon thought that Andy made the right choice of a family pet.
Maddie grabs Nacho Jr.'s nose, who's lying down by her feet, sleepy and content with the gurgling baby beside him. The Labrador just lifts his eyelids to see what Maddie is doing to him and woofed softly at her before shutting them back again. Maddie laughs again and bumps her forehead on Nacho's. The lab huffs again and the girl smiles and taps the dog's head twice before smiling at her daddy. She's so a daddy's girl, Sharon can see it.
Sharon looks at her little bundle of joy and smiles before wincing because of her still healing post-op incision. She repeats the words crazy and insane in her head, over and over again. She doesn't know what's happening and why it's so too good to be true.
She's been hit by bullets before, but this kind of healing at her age is what makes things difficult, apart from her forced vacation from the LAPD. More than 3 decades of serving with very few breaks in between, and now, almost a year in of being a full-time mother and she's going nuts.
Then she sees Maddie, Andy, and Nacho Jr. huddled at the porch of their beach house, like she's suddenly this new woman in a new house with the people she loves so dearly and deeply.
She sees this every day for almost a year now. Suddenly, the pain lessens and everything's right in the world again. Maybe it's not so bad after all.
Her little girl's still bothering Nacho Jr., this time crawling over and getting her squeaky ball, hope and determination etched on her face that the sound would rouse the sleepy pup in front of her. Andy just looks on, amused and interested on what his daughter would do next. Sharon abandons her book and observes her little family right across where she's sitting.
Maddie throws the ball, a loud squeak sounding when it bounced, but it didn't go far. Maddie laughs at the squeak and flails her arms about, as if she's signaling Nacho Jr. to look at what she did. The white lab raised his head slowly to follow where the ball went but he slumps back on his original place when he saw that the ball just rolled to where they were seated rather than bounce away. Maddie stares at her dog for a moment before she crawls over to the ball to get it. Andy's barely concealing his chuckles.
Maddie tries again, flailing her arm several times before releasing the ball. It's effective in catching the pup's attention, as Nacho Jr. stood up and walked to follow where the ball went, albeit very unenthusiastically so. Maddie squeals and crawls towards Nacho Jr.'s direction, only to stop when Nacho Jr.'s comes back with nothing. The ball rolled somewhere and he's too tired to get it. Andy guffaws and Sharon snort-laughs at Maddie's indignant pout at her furry friend, who walked in a circle before laying back down. That's definitely my face when Andy does something inexplicably stupid with Provenza.
She crawls back to Nacho's place and started tugging his ears, babbling and gurgling and squishing the patient dog's face. Sometimes Sharon thinks of Maddie as her mini-me: green eyes, brown and thick hair (for an infant of 8 months, her head's already covered in a lot of hair), thin lips. But she definitely got her impatience on certain things from Andy. Sharon chuckles at the thought. Wait till you get into your teens, honey. Oh boy.
Maddie got a bit bored patting and squishing Nacho Jr.'s stoic face so she crawls over his belly and giggles at her own triumph for climbing the sleeping lab's form. Andy kisses Maddie's forehead sweetly before standing up to pick her,
"Okay sugar Nacho's taking a nap, so I think you better get some, too."
But Maddie isn't really ready to sleep, as she extends her baby arms and legs downwards to Nacho Jr. and babbles her complaint to her dad. Which quickly turned to high pitch irritation. Sharon stands up and goes inside with them, Maddie squeaking and almost-crying, her face all frowny, lower lip sucking and sniffles all around as they leave Nacho Jr. by the porch.
"Here we go again." Andy sighs, a little wave of alarm evident in his eyes whenever Maddie gets upset or cries. Sharon understands how panicky Andy gets around Maddie— he's been an absentee father to his own children when they were growing up. So as much as he loves to spend time with Maddie, he really doesn't know what to do with her when she gets huffy. It's a good thing their daughter isn't grumpy all the time like him, but when she does get distressed it really is hard to make her stop. She gets in a cranky mood for the whole day after a tiny temper tantrum.
Sharon walks behind Andy so her daughter could see her. Green eyes meet another set of green as Sharon coos to her softly,
"Maddie, hey Maddie…there she is, hi baby." Sharon grins at her daughter widely and Maddie's pout lessens significantly. She strokes her fluffy head of brown hair and boops her nose—making her cross-eyed again for a moment,
"You miss Nacho already? Does Miss Maddie miss Nacho already?" she asks and kisses her nose. Successfully distracted, Maddie reaches out to Sharon instead, her plump hands trying to grab Sharon's eyeglasses. Andy feels the movement and turns around to hand Maddie over to Sharon with sad eyes.
"I know it should be your turn to sleep a little longer, but...yeah, sorry." He says, as Maddie instantly settles down on Sharon's arms and yawns. Sharon laughs from her throat and shakes her head.
"Andy, it's okay. Stop apologizing every time Maddie gets upset. It's what babies do." She giggles at Andy's distraught face. He scratches his head in that boyish manner of his and sighs again,
"This is like the first time all over again. It feels crazy, all of it!"
Sharon smiles, his comment echoing her mood all afternoon. "Yes, yes it is."
Maddie lifts her head again and places her cheek on Sharon's, her eyelashes fluttering on her mom's skin. Sharon notices this and senses an unfamiliar feeling in her, she feels suddenly peaceful.
They go inside the den where a large stuffed couch centered the floor. Sharon sits on it, Maddie already sucking her thumb to comfort herself more. Sharon gently takes her thumb off of her mouth and opens her shirt to let her breastfeed from her. Andy sits next to the loves of his life and sees Nacho Jr. walking towards them too. He picks up Nacho and gives his buddy a good scratch on his ear. Sharon touches Maddie's cheek softly before she says,
"It's my first time to go through this, with someone. And it's…terrifying. It's comforting. It's…I'm at peace. All at once."
Andy lets Sharon put her head on his shoulder. He kisses her temple softly.
The companionable silence gets broken by the sound of the doorbell followed by three loud knocks. Nacho jumps up and runs to the door, tail wagging enthusiastically and barking excitedly. Doorbells only mean one thing: Ricky, Emily, Rusty, and Nicole are all behind the door.
Sharon shakes her head and laughs throatily when she hears Andy grumble,
"More kids. I don't even know why they bother coming over, isn't that the point of us moving away from the condo?"
Maddie stops sucking when she heard Nacho's loud barking and a slew of voices from the hallway. Sharon fixes her shirt and stands up, Maddie already kicking and squealing upon hearing her older brothers and sisters. Sharon walks over to her children and is about to welcome them with kisses when Maddie suddenly lets out a loud burp that stunned everyone into silence.
And then the little monster laughs so hard, every one joined her laughing.
Sharon bounces Maddie a little, her daughter flailing her arms again, laughter and squeals filling the air.