We can all be scared to death / Never certain of what it is we want / All the fears we should confess / Holding our breath just dying to speak up
Maddie
The night Maddie Jaymes got engaged was a turning point. She had waited a long time for the right guy, been hurt in relationships too many times before, because she'd go all in too quickly, and then realize too late that that particular guy couldn't give her what she needed. Sometimes she blamed her parents for that. They'd had this long and storied love affair that had resulted in her very existence. She'd heard all the stories and she had often thought of herself as being so like her mom that she too would have that grand, all-consuming love affair. Except that hers wouldn't burn so hot that they couldn't stand near the flame. But that hadn't been the case.
As she got older, she realized it was just her picking wrong. She still had a tendency to fall in love quickly, to get swept off her feet by bedroom eyes and a sweet smile and charming words and actions. Inevitably she'd be disappointed.
There was Colt Wheeler, first of all, the son of her mom's second husband. At first she'd hated him, but then she couldn't stay away. The forbidden fruit aspect of it was so enticing. But once their parents had married each other, it was too weird and, even now, their relationship was cool and distant.
She met Clay Carter the summer she was seventeen, when she did an internship at a local recording studio. She saw him performing at a street fair near the studio, when she was out getting a coffee order. She stopped for a moment to watch him, something about his sound catching her ear. He had glanced over and made eye contact, giving her a shy smile. When she came back out of the coffee shop, she was so mesmerized by his voice that she dropped one of the coffees and he raced over to help her. It was one of those perfect 'meet cute' moments and it still could make her smile.
Clay was older, though. Much older. And both her parents were wary. It was one of the few times when they actually banded together as her parents, although it truthfully probably pushed her more towards Clay, which was exactly what they didn't want. But, in the end, Clay was complicated, bipolar and unmedicated, and he eventually disappeared, both from Nashville and from her life, leaving her confused and sad.
When she turned eighteen, she moved in with her dad. She had been considering it ever since her mom had remarried, but it had felt like the timing was finally right. She hadn't known he was her father until she was thirteen and it had been a journey for both of them. Music had been what became the bridge as he learned how to be a father and she learned how to be his daughter. He was a different kind of parent than her mom was and she had always felt their relationship was less parent-child and, while not equals, more defined by all the years she'd just known him as her mom's bandleader and as an adult she bonded with.
Since she was also legally an adult, their relationship felt more collegial. And while he did play the dad card at times, she felt more comfortable with talking to him about things that mattered in her life. Her hopes and dreams and her fears. He might not have started out as her father, but he'd been a port in a storm for her and had been supportive when she needed, honest when she faltered, and someone she looked up to both personally and professionally.
He'd been the one who was most present when she'd met Jonah Ford. She was just starting her career and she'd been asked to perform at a benefit in LA. Turned out he was the one who'd asked for her to participate. He was the first guy to ever truly sweep her off her feet. He was sweet and romantic and he looked deep into her eyes when he talked to her and when she talked to him. He was a huge star, with many adoring fans, and she was just starting out, so living in his world had been heady and amazing at first. She'd felt like a princess at times, walking on a cloud.
Her dad tried to keep her balanced and be the voice of reason, but she had allowed herself to get caught up in the magic of it. Which meant, that when the bottom dropped out, she'd been beyond distraught. She'd closed herself up in her room for days, not showering, not eating, just crying and writing the saddest and the angriest songs she'd ever written.
When she had finally come out of her room, he was waiting, with a hug and take-out Chinese food. And advice.
He sat down across the table from her, watching her eat. "Maddie, I'm gonna tell you two things. One is that this'll pass. Your music will be better for it – trust me, I got a whole catalog of songs from everything I been through. And you'll figure out how to move on. But second is that you'll know what you need now. I won't say you won't never do this again, but you'll know better how to deal with it."
She looked at him, hearing his truth in his words. "Was it like this for you with Mom?" she asked. "Did you feel like sometimes you just couldn't live another day? That you'd never be happy, ever again?"
He breathed in and then raised his eyebrows. "Yeah," he said, with a nod. "Sometimes it did feel just like that."
"What did you do?"
He gave her a sad smile. "I wrote songs. I gotta be honest, sometimes I thought about drinking, just so I didn't have to think about it no more. But mostly I just wrote songs. Kept just putting one foot in front of the other. Til it got easier." She nodded and then he got up from the table. "Oh, one more thing." She looked up. A smile played across his face. "Take a shower. You stink."
She had laughed, as she recalled, and then, after she ate, she'd done exactly that. And then she'd kept on writing. She'd ended up with enough songs for almost five complete albums. He had worked with her to cull the best and it had earned her a Best New Artist Grammy that year and was really the jumping off point for her career.
One of the casualties of her break up with Jonah had been his friend Twig. Twig was kind of awkward and seemed so unlike Jonah, when she'd first met him. He was sweet, though, and smart and she could tell he had a bit of a crush on her. But in the end, he was Jonah's friend first and so when Jonah left, so did Twig.
She missed him though. And through the years she'd think about him on occasion, wonder what he was doing, whether he was still part of Jonah Ford's entourage. Then she got caught up in her career and other relationships and she stopped thinking about the shy boy who kept an eye out for her.
And then one day, when she was working on her latest album, Twig came by the studio, all grown up. Only now he was going by his real name, Tyler Wysecki, and he'd disentangled himself from Jonah Ford and that whole lifestyle years before and was not even anywhere close to the music business. He had taken her out for coffee and they'd talked for hours, about her career and her life, and how he'd gone to college and gotten a business degree and then a law degree and was randomly back in Nashville, doing real estate law for a big Nashville law firm.
She'd still been a little gun shy on relationships, so they'd taken it slow, but she had fallen in love with him quickly, with his kindness and gentleness, the way he treated her, his sense of humor, his strength and his vulnerability. When he'd taken her out to a house outside of Franklin, she'd been enchanted by it. It was one of those old antebellum type homes, with a grand, sweeping staircase in the entrance and tall ceilings throughout. Lots of windows and a kitchen that rivaled the one from her mom's Belle Meade house. It was on a huge plot of land, with sweeping views from the grand patio out back and an amazing pool. Inside there was a fully tricked out music room, which she later found out Tyler had had built with her dad's guidance.
After he'd shown her the upstairs, with the grand master suite and spa-like master bathroom, they'd walked down the stairs. Just as she reached the bottom step, he'd gone down on one knee and asked her to live in the house with him as his wife and she felt as swept off her feet as she thought her mom had ever been, happily squealing yes.
The ring was magnificent, although not as ostentatious as the ring Luke had given her mother, and not as simple as the one her dad had given to his wife. It was perfect though, just right, just like Tyler.
When she was finally home and in her bed, she'd known exactly what to do to fulfill the dream she'd had for so many years – to reunite her parents, even if it was just as friends. Because she believed they'd never truly stopped caring about each other, they'd just both been too stubborn to acknowledge it.
Rayna
Rayna picked up the phone and smiled when she saw it was Maddie. "Hey there, sweet girl," she said when she answered.
"Hey, Mom. So, are you sitting down?"
"I'm not. Do I need to be?"
"Maybe. Or maybe not." She giggled. "Tyler asked me to marry him."
Rayna's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh, Maddie, I'm so excited for you!" she cried. "How did he ask you?"
"Oh, Mom, it was really so sweet. He took me to this house out in the country and showed me around. Turns out he'd bought it, but he didn't say that right away. And it has this amazing grand winding staircase in the foyer, kind of like the one at your house. And right as we came down to the bottom step, he got down on one knee and asked me."
Rayna had tears in her eyes. "Oh, sweetheart, that's so romantic. And I'm so happy for you. Tyler is so sweet. And he loves you so much."
"I love him too, Mom. More than I ever thought I could love anyone, you know?"
"So have you picked a date yet or are you still just basking in the glow of it all?"
"We haven't picked a date, but we did decide we're going to do it on a beach in California at sunset. Not a big deal kind of thing, just us and our family and closest friends. But I do have a favor to ask."
Rayna smiled. "Anything."
"We'd like for you and Dad to have a pre-wedding party for us the night before."
Rayna took a breath and her smile faded. "Oh, honey, I don't know." She bit her lip. "I mean, I'd be happy to do the party for you, but I just don't think your father would want to, you know, be involved."
"Why not? Do you mean you think he wouldn't want to do it for me or that you just don't want to do it with him?"
Rayna ran her fingers through her hair. "Neither of those things. I think he won't want to do it with me."
"I'll ask him. I bet he will." Rayna thought she sounded stubborn, a little bit like she had back when she was sixteen and didn't get her way.
"You should do that. If he wants to, well, then I'm sure we can figure it out."
After she had ended the call with Maddie, she sat down at her desk and leaned back. It had been a while since she'd even seen Deacon in person. They hadn't run in the same circles for years and, once Maddie had turned eighteen and moved in with him, they had not talked much. It had made her sad at first. He'd been her best friend for so many years, but when she had married Luke it had sort of shut the door on them. He'd been distant when they talked about Maddie, cutting conversations short and seeming to look through her instead of at her. Eventually she'd shrugged it off, figuring it really was the end of them.
Deacon
"Dad? Are you home?" Deacon was back in his music room when he heard Maddie. He got up and walked over to the door.
"Back in the music room, Maddie!" he called out. He waited until she rounded the corner and he smiled at her, pulling her into a hug. "Hey, baby girl, how you doing?" He smiled to himself.
She pulled out of his hug and held out her left hand, a huge smile on her face. "I'm engaged!" she squealed.
He hugged her again. "Congratulations, baby. Come sit and tell me all about it." They walked over to one of the couches and sat down. He turned towards her, waiting to hear her story.
After she had given him the blow-by-blow of the house tour and the actual ask, she said, "There was the most incredible music room in the house too. It was like he knew everything to get."
He raised an eyebrow. "Maybe he did."
She looked at him suspiciously, a little smile on her face. "Wait a minute. Did you help him?"
He lifted both eyebrows and nodded. "I did. He came to ask me if he could ask you to marry him and then he asked if I'd help design your music room."
She threw her arms around him. "Oh my God, Dad, I should have known. I can't believe you kept it a secret."
He laughed. "It sure wasn't easy, I can tell you that." He squeezed her hand. "You got a good one, Maddie."
"I know," she said, with a smile. "So, we haven't set a date yet, but we do know we want to do it on a beach at sunset. In California."
He made a face. "California?"
"It's where he's from, Dad. Plus I think it'll be so romantic to get married on the beach."
"I guess."
She laughed. "Says the man who's idea of getting married is at city hall."
He shook his head and frowned. "You don't need no fancy wedding with five hundred people to get married, you know."
"Well, you'll be happy to know we're doing it small. Family, close friends. That's it. But…we do have a favor to ask you."
"I gave him permission. What else do y'all need?"
She looked at him carefully. "We want to have a pre-wedding party the night before. And we'd like you and Mom to do it."
Hearing that gave him an unsettled feeling. It had been a long time since he'd even talked to Rayna. She had closed the door on them pretty firmly that night just a couple weeks before she married Luke. He'd told her he still loved her and she had shut him down, firmly and definitively. He'd finally had to get the message, that she was well and truly done with him. It had been awkward and uncomfortable when they had to deal with issues together related to Maddie, and he'd been grateful when she became an adult. They had both seemed relieved not to have to deal with each other anymore.
He shook his head. "Baby, I think your mama is better at planning that kinda thing. I ain't no party planner." He got up then and walked over to the sound board, moving the knobs back and forth, giving himself something to focus on.
Maddie huffed behind him. "I can't believe you two are so obnoxious about this." He turned around and narrowed his eyes at her. "She was the same way. 'Oh, I don't think your dad will even want to do it with me.' I'm your daughter. You two are my parents, even if you do act like the other one has fallen off the face of the earth. You can do this one thing for me, for my wedding."
"Did she say she'd do it?"
She nodded. "She said that if you agreed, she'd figure it out."
He shrugged. "Then I guess we will."
Rayna
She sat in her office and tapped her fingers on the desk. Then she got up and started pacing. "What's going on?" She turned to see Bucky standing in the doorway.
She shook her head and waved her hands. "Maddie's getting married," she said, with a sigh.
Bucky smiled. "Well, that's great news!" he said. "To that guy she's been seeing?"
She nodded. "Yeah, Tyler." She smiled. "It was so sweet. He actually bought a house and took her out there and proposed."
He looked surprised. "He bought a house? Without checking with Maddie first?"
She rolled her eyes, but was still smiling. "It's completely her style, so I think it wasn't really an issue. He really does just make her feel like a princess." She sighed. "I can remember those days. Even now. Getting swept off your feet with that big, all-encompassing love."
"So why do you seem so…agitated?"
She leaned back against the desk, her arms crossed over her waist. "She wants me to throw her a pre-wedding party. Oh, and the wedding's going to be on a beach in California. At sunset. Malibu. She's already got the place and I checked and it has a lovely outside deck area for this party."
He look puzzled. "Well, it sounds like it's mostly done. All you have to do is pick out, what, food and decorations?"
She made a face. "It isn't the party." She sighed again. "It's that she wants me to do it with Deacon."
He widened his eyes. "Ah. Well, now I get it. So have you talked to him yet?"
She shook her head. "I guess I'm avoiding it. Like he's been avoiding me for the last fifteen years."
He smiled. "I think you've been avoiding him too."
She shrugged. "I suppose you're right. I don't even think I know how to talk to him anymore, Bucky. I would never have believed the day would come when I would not have any kind of relationship with him. How did it get like this?"
"Well, I think it happens when you have two stubborn people who won't forgive each other. Or themselves." He cut her a look. "Both of you drew a line in the sand. Not something you haven't done before, but this time neither one of you would cross it. Or reach out to each other. Even when both your lives changed."
She looked out through the glass wall in her office. "It got to be habit," she said. "Just like everything else in our lives. It was a habit." She turned back to him. "I don't even know how to do this anymore."
He smiled at her. "If there's one thing I know about you, Rayna Jaymes, it's that you can talk to anyone. Whether you know them or not. And Deacon Claybourne is not someone you don't know."
"I feel like I don't though, Buck. Not now."
He shook his head. "I'm not buying it. Just pick up the phone and call."
She looked at him for a minute. "Why did you come by?" she asked.
He looked a little surprised, then grinned. "Just was in the neighborhood and couldn't resist stopping into the old stomping grounds." He laughed. "Plus I just sensed you were looking for some advice."
She walked over then and hugged him, as he hugged her back. "I've missed you, Buck. Are you sure you don't want to come out of retirement?"
He stepped back and laughed. "Oh, no. This is the life. You should think about it sometime though."
She shook her head and grinned. "I'm too young to retire. I still have new artists to nurture."
"Well, it was good seeing you, Rayna," he said as he turned to leave. Then he looked back. "Call Deacon."
She waved him off and then watched as he walked back through the reception area, chatting up everyone as he slowly made his way out of the office. She really did miss him. Then she walked back to her desk and picked up her phone. She slowly scrolled down and found his name, then wondered if he still had the same number. She rolled her eyes. Of course he has the same number. That man never changes anything. She still hesitated. Despite what Bucky had said, she had lost that rhythm with Deacon long ago. It had not happened immediately after she'd told him to move on with his life, but it had happened sometime after Maddie turned eighteen and moved in with him. Things changed. Actually, things had changed before that, but that event had seemed to seal the deal.
She sighed and looked at the phone again. Finally she pressed call and lifted the phone to her ear. "Hey," she said when he answered. "It's me."
Deacon
He'd had to bite his tongue when Maddie called to give him the details of the wedding.
"It's the Malibu Beach Inn, Dad, right on the ocean," she said. "There's not much space on the beach itself, but since we're not having a lot of people, it'll be fine."
"Are you gonna be barefoot or something?"
She laughed gaily. "Maybe. I'd probably get sand in my shoes anyway, so maybe I will. So it'll be at sunset and then we'll have a brief reception afterwards."
"Do I gotta go barefoot?" he asked.
She laughed. "No. You can wear your boots."
"So what's the deal with this party the night before?" he asked, knowing he sounded grumpy.
"There's a deck that overlooks the beach and we can have it catered and everything. You know that Tyler's parents are both gone, so it's sort of a rehearsal dinner, sort of just a gathering. It'll be so nice." She paused. "Have you and Mom talked about it yet?"
He scowled. "No."
He could hear her sigh. "Be the better man. Call her."
"I ain't calling her. She's the one pushed me away in the first place."
"Oh, for crying out loud, Dad. That was so long ago. I thought you were a grown man."
He clenched his jaw. "I am a grown man, Maddie. Don't have nothing to do with it."
"I can't believe you're going to spoil my wedding with this petty crap."
"It ain't petty crap, Maddie." But he realized it maybe it was. Petty. It had been a long time. A lot had happened to both of them. And he had loved her once. It was how Maddie came to be. But when he thought about calling her, he felt a little nauseous. "Don't worry, baby. We'll do it," he said, his voice softening. He'd do anything for his girl.
He'd picked up his phone a dozen times, trying to be that better man Maddie wanted him to be. Better man. He could remember Rayna saying that to him, countless times. Be a better man. You can be a better man. You're a better man than this, Deacon. He closed his eyes and ran his hand over his mouth. He heard that so often during the years he was a drunk. He'd never been able to do it then, back when they were together. He'd figured it out – finally – but it had been too late for them. And then when he'd finally gotten her back, he'd found out, by accident, that Maddie was his daughter, and he'd fallen off the wagon again. Ultimately that seemed to be the nail in the coffin for them. While he'd been able to claw his way out of that hole in some ways, he had lost her in the end.
He opened his eyes and looked at his phone. He stood up and walked around his living room. He should call her. He knew it. Maddie was right. He took a deep breath and then his phone buzzed. He looked down and saw her name. His heart started beating – hard – and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Finally he held the phone to his ear. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," she said. "It's me."
He smiled a little to himself. "Yeah, I saw that. Saw your name."
She laughed a little. "Oh, yeah." She paused. "So, um, seems that our daughter's getting married."
He did smile then. "Yeah, seems like it. I'm happy for her. For both of 'em."
"They're a sweet couple, that's for sure." She cleared her throat. "Anyway, apparently she wants us to throw her this party."
"Yep," he said.
"Well, I was thinking maybe we should get together and talk about it."
He sighed. "Look, Rayna, you're better at this stuff than me. You can plan it and I'll pay half and we'll call it good, okay?"
She was quiet for so long, he wondered if she'd hung up. "No," she said, her voice brittle.
"No?"
"No. Deacon, she asked us to do this together and I don't think she'd be very happy to know that you let me do all the work and you just paid for part of it."
"Half of it." He felt mulish.
"Whatever." He could see her rolling her eyes. "That's not how we're going to do this." She sighed. "Look, I know it's sort of weird. We haven't seen each other in a while. But she's our daughter, Deacon. Our child. Our only child. We need to do this for her, whatever our feelings for each other." She paused again. "Do you really hate me that much?" she asked, a note of hurt in her voice.
He felt an ache in his chest. "I don't hate you, Rayna," he said. "That ain't it at all."
"Then let's just do this. Do you want to come here? Or I could come to your house?"
He shook his head. "Nah. We could meet for coffee or something. It ain't gonna take that long to plan something, is it?"
When she answered, he thought he detected sadness in her voice. "Probably not. Okay, then, where?"
"How 'bout Barista Parlor?"
"Tomorrow? Eleven sound good?"
"Yeah. See you then." He hung up and swallowed hard. Rayna Jaymes had been the most important person in his life for the better part of three decades and then she wasn't. They'd both gone through a lot of changes since then, ups and downs, twists of fate. They were different people. That's what he told himself. It was inevitable. Maybe they were too.
Rayna
She had hardly slept the night before, which had surprised her. After all, it was just coffee. It wasn't a date or anything like that. It was planning a wedding party for their daughter. One of those mundane things parents did. Together. But it was Deacon. She had missed him, she realized. She had mostly kept herself from thinking about it, about him, the way she did things. After she got married, after he got married, she had put him in a box, tied a ribbon around it, and hid it. Never once brought it out, not like she had during the time she was married to Teddy. If she was honest with herself, in the beginning it had been tough, but she'd felt like she owed it to Luke. Eventually it became a habit, like she'd told Bucky.
She dressed carefully. Nothing too revealing or sexy, not that, at her age, she wore sexy clothes anymore, but still. She checked herself in the mirror and thought she looked age appropriate. Jeans, a white top, a leather vest and boots, her hair in a messy bun at the nape of her neck, and her glasses. Glasses. She remembered when she'd first started wearing them and eventually it became most of the time.
"Do I look like a school marm?" she asked Daphne.
Daphne screwed up her face. "What's a school marm?"
Rayna laughed. "A schoolteacher, smarty pants." She tried looking at her reflection in the fridge. "Do I look like a nerd?"
"You've always looked like a nerd, Mom." Rayna whirled around and stuck her tongue out and Daphne laughed.
She shrugged. It didn't matter. Contacts bothered her eyes if she left them in too long and glasses were just easier these days. And it wasn't like she was trying to impress Deacon. She breathed in and let it out. Except that she did have those pesky butterflies, for no good reason.
She headed out of her bedroom and down the stairs to the kitchen. She picked up her phone and saw that she had several texts from the office, none of which required her immediate attention. Then she saw one from Deacon and took a deep breath, sure he was going to bail. Running a little behind. Be there by 11:15. She breathed a sigh of relief. They didn't need to put this off.
She was sitting at a table by the window with her coffee. Every time the door opened, she looked up, but it hadn't been him. This time it was. He took off his sunglasses and looked around and she raised her hand. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she couldn't breathe. This is stupid. He looked the same – the flannel shirt, the well-worn jeans, the dusty boots. The only thing different was he had a fuller beard and both it and his hair were speckled with gray. It gave him a distinguished look. A sexy look, if she were honest.
He walked towards her slowly and she couldn't take her eyes off of him. He laid his sunglasses on the table and gave her a ghost of a smile. "Hey, Rayna," he said, in that deep, whiskey-laced voice she'd almost forgotten. "I'm, ah, I'm gonna go get coffee." He sounded almost rattled, she thought, and he pointed towards the coffee bar. She nodded mutely and he walked away.
She watched as he stood at the counter. He looked like he'd put on a little weight but was still trim, looked very much the same, which didn't surprise her. He was still playing guitar around town, still writing, she knew. Maddie had told her he was doing some producing these days, working with newer artists. She had wondered if he were avoiding her artists or if it just hadn't crossed his radar. When he turned, she was still staring, and she felt herself get red in the face, but she smiled.
He sat down across from her, his posture stiff as he took a sip from his cup. She decided she needed to start the conversation. That had often been the case with them. She was the talker, he was not. She supposed that had not really changed. "So. How've you been?" she asked.
He shrugged and glanced away before looking back at her. His crystal blue eyes were still the same, still searching, seeking, something, as he looked at her. "Good," he said finally. "Been busy."
She nodded. "I heard you've been doing some producing."
"Yep. Here and there."
She gave him a little smile. "Maybe I should have you work with some of my artists." He gave her a look that seemed to say maybe not. She cleared her throat, then pushed a sheet of paper over in front of him. "Here's some notes I made. Just ideas on food and drink and music."
He took the sheet of paper and looked it over, then looked back up at her. "I told you didn't both of us need to plan. Looks like you got it all worked out. Just tell me what I owe you."
She looked at him and anger raced through her. And then it was gone. Just like that. All she felt was a deep, soul crushing sadness. She felt a knot in her stomach and she wanted to cry. She lowered her head and took a deep, shaky breath. "I didn't realize I'd hurt you this badly," she whispered. "I really never meant to do that." She took a beat, then grabbed her purse and stood up, heading for the door.
Deacon
He hated making her cry. Or making her sad. She was halfway to the door when he bolted out of his seat and got to her before she reached the door. He put his hand on her arm and she stopped and looked at him. There were no tears on her cheeks, but her eyes were damp. He couldn't help it, his heart sank. He bit his lip. "I'm sorry," he said.
She looked like the fight was gone from her. He didn't know if it was just this or if things had changed over the years. It had taken him a lot longer to get over her than he would ever have let on. He'd felt like she'd taken what he'd said to her that night – I love you. That's it, it's easy. I always have and you're just gonna have to deal with the fact that that ain't gonna change – and thrown it back in his face. She'd walked away and two weeks later she had married Luke Wheeler.
It had felt a lot like it had when he'd come home from rehab and found out she'd married Teddy Conrad. And he knew she had the discipline and resolve to stay the course. She'd done it with Teddy and he was sure she'd do it with Luke. He'd been forced into a corner and he'd had to take a much different path than he'd ever imagined. Yes, she had hurt him badly. That much was true. But it was also true that just looking at the sadness in her eyes still could force him to his knees.
Be the better man. He could hear Maddie's voice in his ear and he knew he wasn't doing that. He breathed out. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Let's go somewhere and talk, okay?"
She took a deep breath and then finally she nodded. "Sure," she said. "We can do that."
He was kind of surprised the old stone picnic table was still there. As he stood at the edge of the road waiting for her, he looked out over the place where they used to meet, back when she was still married to Teddy. That had started more than twenty-five years earlier, back when he was just her bandleader and they were both struggling to figure out how to navigate a new normal between them. She'd held on to him then and he'd often wondered why. Of course, later he knew – it was for Maddie – but for all those years he'd waited for her, hoped something would change, believed they were soulmates, meant to be together.
When they'd finally gotten their chance, he'd blown it. He shoved his hands in his pockets and scowled, shaking his head. It ain't all my fault. I ain't the one who lied all those years. I ain't the one who would have gone on lying. She'd never really acknowledged the damage that had done. She'd never really taken the time to understand the pain he'd felt, knowing she would willingly and purposefully cover up something like that, for all those years.
It made him angry again. It had been a long time since that hurt had resurfaced. He'd mostly learned to live with it. He'd developed a loving relationship with his daughter, gotten the chance to be a real part of her life. She was the best thing he had, even if he had missed so many years and so many memories. The betrayal had lost its sharp edges over the years. He'd accepted his role in it, understood how she'd made her decisions, mostly made peace with it. But it was what had them here, at the core of it all. She'd never completely forgiven him for what had happened that night at the corner of Battlefield and Granny White Pike. It was always there – the reason she couldn't let him back in. The reason she'd, yet again, chosen someone else.
He heard her drive up and he turned to watch her as she got out of the car and walked slowly towards him. In many ways she still looked the same. The color of her hair had faded just a touch, but it was still gloriously red. She still had freckles across her nose, he'd noticed at the coffee shop. She was still slender and poised. She had a few more lines around her eyes and the corners of her mouth, same as him, but she looked younger than her age.
She smiled as she approached. "I'm not sure I can jump that wall anymore," she said, with a short laugh.
He smiled back. "I ain't sure I can neither. Good thing there's some steps down here." He pointed a little further down and then let her lead the way, following behind her.
When they were both settled on the table, she turned to look at him. "When's the last time we were here, do you think?"
He thought about it. "I think 'fore I joined the Revel Kings," he said.
She nodded. "I think you're right. Back when the worst thing was having to decide whether to support Teddy or Cole for mayor." She made a face.
He looked at her. "Don't think there was much to decide about that. For either of us."
"You're probably right about that." She leaned forward, clasping her hands between her knees. "I can't believe Maddie's getting married. She waited a really long time."
He nodded and looked out over the creek. "She did. She was waiting on some big love though, the one that was gonna sweep her off her feet, set off fireworks and all."
She looked back at him. "That what she told you?" she asked, with a grin.
"Yep. Wanted true love, she said, the kind where you know they're right. In your bones, in your blood."
She bit her lip. "I wouldn't have expected it to be Tyler, I have to admit. Although he's a sweet man and obviously loves her. But you know more about that than me."
He thought he caught a wistfulness there, both in her eye and her voice. It was true. Maddie started seeing Jonah Ford when she was living with him, so he was more aware of that relationship, one that had flamed up quick and been over with an explosion. "I was surprised too," he said. "He was all mixed up in Jonah's deception and it hurt Maddie. I think she just grew up by the time he came back in her life. She was still cautious though. Careful." He breathed out. "Like you."
Rayna
She felt little tingles all up and down her body. Sitting this close to Deacon again was so many things – familiar, strange, comforting, awkward, pleasant. The last time they'd sat together here, he didn't know about Maddie. It was many months before he would find out about their daughter, in the worst possible way, with the worst possible outcome. It was what she had feared most, over thirty years before, when she'd found out she was pregnant and made the decisions she made then. There was a lot they'd never talked about that followed the reveal. Some of it she'd swept under the rug, consciously never addressed or allowed herself to look at. And there was the day, at his cabin, after they'd had to confront Maddie's paternity publicly, when she'd told him her resentment of him was bigger than his resentment of her, that she somehow had the higher ground on it.
She looked down at her hands, then back at him. "That may be the only thing she got from me then," she said. "She tried very hard to not be like me, you know." She could feel her emotions rising to the surface. She and Maddie had a wonderful relationship these days, but for a long time after Maddie found out about Deacon, it had tested their closeness. "She probably resented me as much as you did." She looked over at him.
He lifted his shoulders and looked away. "She was hurt, Rayna, confused." He looked back at her. "She had a lotta questions, questions you didn't always answer. I get that you wanted to protect her and you did even after it all came out. But at some point, she deserved answers. Hell, I deserved answers. And you didn't give none." He shook his head and let out a sharp laugh. "I forgave you, Rayna. I let myself fall back in love with you. But you was still so damn closed off. Like you made up your mind and wasn't nothing gonna change it." He looked at her sharply. "Like you did with Teddy."
She nodded. "You're right. That's exactly what I did."
He looked at her, his face screwed up. "You ever have a plan? I mean, were you just gonna stay married to Teddy and keep lying about Maddie and we'd have gone on like that until, I don't know, Maddie went off to college or a career or whatever she was gonna do? Were you just gonna never tell us?"
She looked away from him and took a deep breath. "The only plan I ever had was when I married Teddy. When I decided that I was gonna protect my baby and give her a safe life. And protect myself. It wasn't what I wanted, Deacon, I told you that, but it was what I had to do. I put her first. So no, I didn't have a plan. I also didn't think you'd stay sober, but you did. I just didn't want to do anything that would hurt Maddie. Or you. And thinking about telling you, well, I was afraid the exact thing that did happen would happen."
"Rayna…." he started.
She held up her hand. "Look. I know what you're going to say. You're right. I had no plan, I had no idea what I was doing. And then I let myself get involved with you thinking I could keep it to myself. That was my mistake. I contributed to what happened that night. I did. Does that make you feel better?"
Deacon
He worked his lip and then turned to her. "It ain't about making me feel better, Rayna," he said. "It ain't even you apologizing to me anymore. You gotta accept for yourself what your part was." He gave her a steady look. "Without trying to justify it or nothing. Just say it and own it. Like I did. You ain't better than me, Rayna. I ain't better than you. But it's what's between us now. Maybe that's on me, but it's just there."
She stared at him and, for a second, he thought she was going to get angry, tell him yet again why her point of view was the right one, all the things she kept saying or implying during that time after he'd found out about Maddie. Then she lowered her eyes and finally looked away. "There weren't any right answers, Deacon. I realize that now," she said. "I know it's probably too little too late, but I am truly sorry." She clasped her hands together in her lap and leaned forward. "I didn't know what to do. I knew what I wanted, in my heart." She turned and looked at him then. "I wanted to do that with you. I never stopped wanting to do that with you. No matter how it came about, I was having our baby. It was something I'd dreamed of, pretty much as long as I'd known you. I wanted us to have that family you wrote about, together." She sighed. "But I stood there on the porch at the cabin and I watched you, destroying everything inside, destroying yourself, and I was scared. You scared me, Deacon. Maybe really for the first time. And you're right, I was afraid to let you be part of Maddie's life in a meaningful way because I just remembered all the times you had disappointed me."
She turned away then and looked off into the distance. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he stayed silent, just watching her. Finally she spoke again. "You surprised me, though, you know? I mean, when you did find out about Maddie" – she turned to look at him and smiled wryly – "and got past the initial shock, you did do right by her. You loved her and you supported her and you were actually the father I knew you could be. Wanted you to be. And all that did was make me regret – again – all that wasted time and I knew that was on me. But I didn't want to admit that to you. I didn't want to admit that to myself, quite honestly. Because if I did, then it meant that I'd made the wrong choice all those years ago and I thought that it wiped out all the good that choice had done." She sat up straight, looking at him intently. "Because there was good, Deacon. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, Teddy was a really good father to Maddie. It sure wasn't the ideal situation and, if I could do it over, I might make some different decisions, but he loved her like she was his own and he did right by her for all those years."
He looked down and nodded. "I know that, Rayna." He breathed in. "I accepted that a long time ago. And I knew there wasn't nothing that could change any of it. Mad as I got, what was done was done. Being pissed about it or holding it over you didn't change nothing. I forgave you so I could let it go. It was the only way I could do that." He glanced over at her. "And I had to think about Maddie. Didn't do no good to hold on to the mad and make her pay the price."
She nodded. "You're right about that."
He sat up straight and took a deep breath. "So were you happy? Did Luke make you happy?"
She put her hands on the table and leaned back. "Did Luke make me happy?" she mused. She nodded. "Yeah, he did, at least in the beginning. He was fun and kind and treated me really well. He didn't really have baggage. I mean, yeah, he had an ex-wife and their divorce wasn't amicable, but enough time had gone by that he was over the bitterness of that. He was successful and he could stand next to me." She looked at him and bit her lip. "And that's more against Teddy than you." He just looked at her, not sure if he believed that or not. "But it was a different kind of life, you know? Not always what I'd expected."
"But you stayed."
She nodded. "I did. I told myself it was all good. I mean, I had success like I'd really never had before. I realize now that a lot of that was because of being part of this super couple. But sometimes, you know, it felt so empty." She looked at him, a wistful look on her face. "Like I was trying too hard." She sighed. "Didn't it feel like that for you sometimes?"
He raised his eyebrows and breathed in, then out. "Yeah. Sometimes." He cleared his throat. "So what happened?"
She shrugged. "That empty feeling. Sometimes it was standing on a stage and wondering why I was there, what the point was." She looked over the river. "It's hard to explain, even to myself, just what it was. But I remember rehearsing before the last one of those couples' tours we would do." She turned back and looked at him. "I didn't even like the songs we were singing. I thought about how it was for us, back when we were young and in love, and we'd sing those songs we wrote and everything just kind of faded away and all there was on that stage was you and me." She shook her head. "I never felt that with Luke. And that sort of told me that I'd been fooling myself, doing the same exact thing I'd done with Teddy." He watched her wipe away a tear and wondered if it was that she had lingering feelings for Luke Wheeler or was something else. "So I walked away," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "I just packed up my bags and I walked away."
A/N: Just a little side project. There's one more chapter and it will be finished. Hope you enjoy!