Note: I was talking to some friends about what it would be like to meet the characters of LOTR when this came about. It's my first attempt at humor, and a one shot, so hopefully...enjoy!
Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn were walking through Wal*Mart, clad in full battle regalia to take on the evil that never sleeps. Gimli waddled down the candy aisle, eyes wide, mouth forming a perfect "O" at the sight of all the brightly colored sweets lining the shelves. But there was one problem: his favorite candy, Runts, was on the top shelf and he couldn't quite get to it. As he stretched, standing on tip toe, reaching for all he was worth, a screech split the air. A young blonde girl, perhaps fourteen, dressed in black skinny jeans, a black shirt with the words "I heart Gimli" scrawled in big white letters down her torso, rushed up. She clasped her hands in giddy excitement.
"Are you Gimli son of Gloin?" She asked, her words bubbling out in one long continuous mass.
"Uhh..." Gimli scrambled, glancing at Legolas and Aragorn. They only grinned at him, Legolas shrugged. Gimli grumbled under his breath but turned back to the girl. "That is my name, yes."
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!" The girl clapped her hands and bounced on her toes.
Gimli squeezed his eyes closed. "Please let me put it out of my misery."
The girl continued chattering away. "I have like waited soooooo long to, like, meet you in person. Gosh, you're even shorter than I thought, but that's okay."
"Well m'lady, such is the fate of the dwarves. If we had the power to change it, I am sure we could but seeing as we do not, we make the best of it."
"Well, I think it's ADORABLE," she said, swaying from side to side.
Gimli spluttered in shock. "Dwarves are never considered adorable m'lady, 'tis not seemly nor honorable. We are warriors. We fight the evil that never sleeps with our axes and our superior fighting skills. Fierce, brave, courageous you may consider us, but NEVER adorable!"
The girl nearly collapsed in a fit of giggles and before Gimli could react, she reached out and pinched his ruddy cheek. "Oh, you are just so CUTE!"
Gimli turned to Aragorn and Legolas with a pleading look but they paid no attention to him. Legolas was doubled over, his normally perfect pale complexion flushed with joy at Gimli's discomfort. Aragorn had his back to the whole thing, his shoulders shaking in silent fits of laughter.
"Madam," Gimli said, drawing himself up to his full height, "I am NOT cute. If you continue in such a manner, insulting me as you are, then I shall have to reprimand you and that is something I greatly do not wish to do." He brandished his axe, punctuating his words. Legolas and Aragorn sprang forward, preparing to interfer but the girl brandished her own weapon. She whipped out her camera and pressed the button with a CLICK. Gimli blinked, momentarily blinded by the flash, both hands still on the upraised axe.
"Oh my gosh, that is like, SO perfect! I got all three of you! How cute!" She bounced from foot to foot then suddenly turned serious. "Oh my gosh, I have GOT to tell Brittany and Kelly. They won't believe it! Stay here, don't move, 'kay?"
She disappeared around the corner. There was one brief moment of stunned silence as all three men stood there, blinking.
"I do believe it is time we made our escape," Legolas said.
"Indeed, I am with you," Gimli agreed. "The evil that never sleeps can wait I suppose." He turned abruptly and started waddling away as fast as possible.
Giggles wafted through the air, only a few aisles over. Gimli's eyes grew wide and he hurried faster.
"Run!" Aragorn whispered.
"I am trying! Do you not think I am trying!" Gimli grumbled.
Legolas darted ahead then returned. "Wasn't the portal to the outside world just over there?" He motioned to a wall of pink t-shirts that said "Beiber Fever".
"I have never seen those hideous things before," Gimli said. "Perhaps we made a wrong turn?"
"Perhaps..." Legolas mused. "Wait here."
"NO!" Gimli yelled. "No, no, we will accompany you. 'Tis no problem. If the evil that never sleeps should attack, it is best to stay together."
Legolas made no protests but darted forward again. Gimli broke into a jog, panting, to keep up. As they rounded a corner, a squeal sent shivers down each of the men's spines.
"There he is!"
Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli turned in unison and hurried the other way, getting more and more confused.
"How could you lose an exit?" Gimli mumbled.
"There!" Aragorn cried. "I see the way out!"
Only a few more steps and it would be sweet freedom. Gimli glanced back over his shoulder. Three girls, all clad in black, each with the "I heart Gimli" t-shirts on, were running down the main aisle, scanning, searching. One of the girls stopped mid-stride, and pointed at the dwarf.
"I found him! I found him!"
Gimli skipped just a little faster. The portal was in sight. Aragorn slipped out, then Legolas, then, to his horror, the doors began to close and shut right at his nose. He jumped about and waved his arms wildly but the doors would not open. He shot a look over his shoulder again and his stomach dropped. The three girls were closing in fast. He pounded on the doors, hoping, praying they would open. Why would they not open for him?
A little old lady, a full foot taller than he, pushed her cart up. "Excuse me sweetie," she said. Gimli stepped aside, and watched, eyes wide in wonder as the woman walked right up to the door and it opened. Gimli took the chance and hustled out just as the doors were beginning to close again. He breathed a sigh of relief, stopped then leaned over onto his knees to catch his breath.
"For a moment, I thought we would be captured," he wheezed.
"Only because you're just so cute," Legolas teased.
Gimli chased Legolas through the Wal*Mart parking lot, waving his axe.