Written for the Dialogue Competition ("What are you doing? Get off me!") and the Ultimate Patronus Quest (geese: Write a Romione story)
"Do you hear that, Hermione?" Ron asks, a satisfied smile on his lips as he joins his wife in her home office.
Hermione frowns and tilts her head. "Hear what? I don't hear anything."
Ron nods and sits in the chair across from her, propping his feet on her desk. He ignores the dark look that she shoots him. "Exactly!" he says gleefully. "Rose and Hugo are actually playing quietly! Isn't it the most beautiful sound you've ever heard?"
Before Hermione can respond, a shriek rings out. Ron deflates with a heavy sigh.
"Three… Two… One," Hermione says, holding up three fingers and lowering each one as she counts down.
"What are you doing?" Rose cries. "Get off me! Mum! Dad! Make Hugo stop."
Ron and Hermione stare at one another, each waiting for the other to move. Neither budge.
"I've had a long day, and I still have files to review," Hermione says.
"Yes, but I had to test George's new Chipmunk Chocolate. Do you know how exhausting it is speaking in squeaks all day?"
Hermione purses her lips in thought. "I had to referee whenever Rose tried to kill Albus after losing Exploding Snap last week," she says.
"Fair enough, but I had to dig a bishop out of Hugo's nose this morning," Ron says with a firm nod to show that he's won.
"I had to bury Rose's Pygmy Puff last night," she says.
Ron frowns. That had been a particularly nasty affair. Rose had cried for hours on end. Still, he isn't ready to just give up.
"Dad!" Rose calls again.
"See? She called for you," Hermione says.
"Yeah, but she called your name first the first time," Ron counters. "Besides, I've just sat down, Hermione. You've been sitting here for an hour, working. You're supposed to get up and move to reduce the risk of blood clots, you know."
"Hugo! Stop! Mum! Dad!"
"Rosie! Play!" Hugo squeals.
Ron wonders how much longer they can put this off. So far, it's only yelling. He gives it another ten minutes before they hear a scuffle or things breaking.
"You jinxed it," Hermione reasons. "You just had to point out how quiet it was. Therefore, you should break it up."
"Hermione, our kids might be killing each other, and you're wasting time by telling me that I should go."
"So are you," she says simply.
Ron sighs. He just had to fall in love with a woman whose stubbornness rivals his own. "Yes, well-"
"Yes, well, I will make you sleep on the couch tonight if you don't go, Ronald," she says with such a strong tone of finality that Ron wonders if his mother has been giving her lessons on how to end a disagreement.
"I've just sat down, Hermione."
Hermione's lips quirk into a triumphant smile. "And now you're repeating points you've already made," she laughs. "I win. It's your turn."
Ron groans and climbs to his feet. Really, it isn't fair, but he knows that he's out of excuses. Hermione, on the other hand, could probably compose a fifty page essay on why he should have to check in instead of her. "Fine. But I'm not sleeping on the couch, right?"
"Ronald…"
With a shrug, Ron leaves the office. "Rosie! Don't kill your brother!" he calls as he walks down the hall.