Sexual tension was in the air... Among other things.
A ceramic plate flew past Vegeta's ear and shattered against the cabinet behind him, soon followed by a glass cup and a Spork. He smirked. This was just too much fun. "Is that the best you can do? You haven't even hit me yet!"
"You dirty, no-good, smelly, disgusting, mother--" Bulma ranted continuously as she ran out of dinnerware and grabbed the fruit dish off the table, chucking the contents at her adversary's head one by one, then tossing the empty bowl Frisbee-style. "If you don't start treating me with a little respect, I won't cook your food or fix the gravity room for you or anything!"
"Well, considering your mother's the one that does all the food preparation and your father makess the repairs to the gravity room, that threat really doesn't amount to that much," he spoke as his smirk deepened (if that's at all possible).
Bulma melted into a warm little puddle of goo (figuratively speaking, of course) and watched as he grinned like an idiot. He was just so handsome, in a rugged un-handsome kind of way, though his personality certainly left something to be desired, she couldn't help warming to him. Then he walked towards her, forcing her to back away from him till she hit the wall and could go no further. "You stupid murderous Frieza-loving monkey, intimidation won't work on me," she lied.
Suddenly, Vegeta started crying.
"Um, Vegeta? What're you doing? You worked for Frieza for 20 years, you're letting a little angry comment of mine get to you?"
"No," he sniffed, pouting all the while. "I'm just trying to rake up some vulnerability points while convincing you that I have emotions, however latent and distorted they may be. Is it working?"
The Puddle of Goo Formerly Known as Bulma somehow managed to melt even more; tears came to her eyes as she thought of all the horrible atrocities he'd had to live through, how that had made him into the misunderstood and misguided... Alright, that's enough.
So she put her arms around him in an attempt to ward off the demons eating at his soul, turning his heart into the cold-- I said, enough!
Moving on… Vegeta soon regained his senses enough to physically sweep Bulma off her feet and head towards the bedroom. "Wait!" she screeched, loud enough that he was forced to drop her in order to cover his ears. Standing back up and rubbing her backside, she exclaimed, "I'm still with Yamcha! I can't cheat on him! That's against the rules!"
He rolled his eyes and handed her the portable phone.
"Good idea." She hit speed dial and waited for about five rings until someone finally picked up.
"Hellooooo?" a high-pitched and giggling female voice answered – the kind of voice you hear waiting tables at Hooters or working at a strip club in Hoboken.
Nonplussed, Bulma replied, "Do I have the right number? Is Yamcha there?"
"Yamcha? Yamcha..." There was the sound of a hand covering the receiver, slightly muffling the conversation on the other end. "Ooh, so THAT's his name! Yeah, I was wondering about that."
Slightly more irritated now, "Is he there?"
"Huh, oh, yeah, here he is," the girl said, then a male voice came on.
"Hel--Britney, get off! Hello? Mandy, let go of my--"
Sick of listening to this byplay on the other end, and the images it was putting forth in her mind's eye, Bulma cut in with, "Hey there Yamcha, did I call at a bad time?"
"Oh! Bulma! Hi! I was just... Er... Yeah... Um... Why ya calling?"
"No particular reason, just wanted to break up, is all."
"Oh. Okay. Seeya later then."
"Toodles," she replied, hanging up and turning back to Vegeta with a gleam in her eye.
"Ready now?" a certain Saiyan prince asked.
Jumping back into his arms, "Let's get this show on the road!"
So they ran at the speed of light to the nearest bedroom, which happened to belong to a worker at Capsule Corp who was going to get a very special surprise when he returned from work that evening. Just as they were about to "make with the crazy monkey sex" as Bulma termed it, Vegeta stopped. "Wait. There's something you should know. If we do this, we'll be bonded and therefore will be together forever, and any other humanoid who so much as looks at you will learn a new definition of pain and suffering. Oh, and we get to like, share minds and shit. It'll be sweet!"
"Are you fucking with me?" Bulma asked aghast, then paused to rearrange her words to fit only one meaning at a time. "Are you out of your mind? Stuck with the likes of you till I kick off? What demented planet of child molesters did you come from? We don't even love each other yet, we're just about to do the nasty because we're horny and sexual promiscuity is accepted worldwide! Bonding, my ass..." With that, she jumped off the bed and stalked out the door.
Vegeta pouted for a few minutes, then yanked what looked like a pen out of his back pocket. It was apparent that the pen was really no pen at all when it unfolded into one of those Tenchi Muyo-style laptop computers that no one has seen since 1998. He clicked on an icon and a little options menu popped up, with a list of buttons labeled Verbal Sparring, Exploded GR, Love Advice from Kakkarot, etc. He went to the one that titled "That Bonding Thing" and clicked it from "on" to "off." He then hit "OK", folded the computer back up into a pen, replaced it in his pocket, and went in search of his new sheet jockey.
She was in her room muttering choice obscenities you can't say on television when he walked in, and she reacted by throwing some heavy objects at his head, yelling, "Oh no you don't, there is no way in hell I'm sharing a mind with the likes of you, so you can just forget about it, Mr. Hot Pants!"
"Screw That Bonding Thing, I was just teasing."
"Oh," she replied, dropping the sawed-off shotgun with katana attachment. "Well then. What're we waiting for?"
For many hours after that, strange thumping noises could be heard coming from the general direction of a certain Capsule Corporation compound.
XXX
It was like an extreme water slide. They zoomed through the tunnel, trying their hardest to survive long enough to get to the coveted prize.
The leader encountered a problem, and addressed the group. "Uh-oh! All right, you guys take the left tunnel, we'll take the right tunnel. Remember, one of us has to get to the prize! So don't go eating each other! And watch out for the chemical warfare, it's lethal!"
"Yes SIR!"
"Man," one sighed. "What a life we've got. Reduced from over a million of us to... just... one... Aaaugh!"
Meanwhile, that which was waiting for them at the end of the tunnel saw their approach, and cheered. "Go little fishies! Swim tiny tadpoles! Hurry it up, I'm bored over here! C'mon, I need some excitement! Oh yeah..."
Bulma woke up and reached towards the other side of the bed, expecting to encounter the Saiyan prince with whom she'd shared a passionate embrace for hours on end the previous night, but her arm encompassed only air. She swore softly. "Dammit! Well, if he's not in this room right now, then that must mean he left the planet."
She went downstairs to where her blonde mother, recipient of the very first brain transplant between a human and a canary, stood in the kitchen making breakfast. "Say Mom, have you seen Vegeta around here lately?"
"Oh! You mean that fine specimen of a man I've got the hots for? You know Bulma you really ought to get him in the sack and trap him with a kid so he'll stick around here, then I'll be able to look at his fine ass every day!"
"Um…. never mind, Mom."
I did mention that it was an exceedingly hormonal canary, right?
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. "Ooh! Maybe that's Vegeta! Why he would knock instead of just barging on in like he usual does, since he does live here after all, is beyond me, but oh well."
She opened the door and got quite the surprise. "Yamcha! What're you doing here?"
Said fornicator stared at the ground, looking nervous. "Uh, well, Britney and Mandy left me for Madonna, so I figured I might as well come crawling back."
Bulma laughed and slammed the door in his face.
"Buulmaaaa!" He whined, sounding a lot like Gohan at age five. And seven. And twelve. "I still love you! Really! I'm not lying this time! Really! I mean it! I'm totally ready for commitment in the most inaccurate sense of the word!"
"Well Yamcha, why don't you go call one of those spice people up? They must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel since they all were revealed to be skanks with no musical talent and were subsequently replaced by skankier skanks with even less vocal ability. They'll love you. You'll fit right in."
"Wow! Why didn't I think of that? Thanks a million, Bulma!" He immediately ran off to buy some Axe body spray and textured condoms. And some musical ones if he could find them. The employees at Adult World never let him down.
Bulma spoke to herself in response, gloating, "Don't need to, I already have several hundred. Millions, that is. It's great to be a rich bitch in the lap of luxury. Good thing I smashed that damned glass ceiling with the frying pan I borrowed from... Uh... Goku's wife. Does she even know what her name means?"
So then she decided to go see what, other than the usual, was up with Vegeta by contacting him on the space ship/gravity room/pressure cooker's videophone. The picture that came up wrenched her heart--he was staring out the window of the capsule, his face so anguished and forlorn, like he was waiting for something meaningful that never would arrive. He began muttering, and Bulma strained her ears to properly eavesdrop. "I can't believe it's taking the damn pizza guy that long to get here, 'We deliver everywhere!' my ass! I'm starving!"
Well, that explains it.
"Vegeta!" she yelled, snapping him out of his Pizza Hut-inspired reverie. "Why the hell did you go into outer space, literally, right after we hooked up? Are you a pansy or something?"
Shrugging, "In a nutshell, yes. I can only assume how much more obnoxious you'll become once the pregnancy symptoms hit, and I'd rather not be there to endure it.."
"Pregnancy symptoms?"
"Oops."
So, Bulma severed the connection and immediately ran down to the corner five-and-dime to get a nice 100 Accurate Easily Operated Home Pregnancy Test (TM). Oh no! Two pink lines, an x, a smiley face, and the outline of a flying squirrel! She flipped through the 500-page 100 Accurate Easily Operated Home Pregnancy Test (TM) decoder booklet and, 2 hours later, found the entry: "If your 100 Accurate Easily Operated Home Pregnancy Test (TM) displayed two pink lines, an x, a smiley face, and the outline of a flying squirrel, you had a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-the-check-is-in-the-mail affair with a Saiyan prince who has to walk sideways to fit his ego through the door, and are now cursed with carrying a kid who's gonna be stronger than you by the time he's three. Congratulations!"
Back on the videophone, "Goddammit, Vegeta! Even your damn SPERM had to be strong!"
Vegeta smirked.
"Get your ass back down here!"
He smirked. "As soon as I go Super Saiyan - with my motivation of course being something other than my purely evil heart, indomitable pride, and desire to survive - I'll be sure to get back just in time for you to go into labor, squeeze my hand into toothpicks and curse my name until the kid is born."
Sarcastically, she tossed her head, (caught it and) scoffed, "I suppose then we're going to suddenly discover we're madly in love with each other, right?"
He shrugged, smirking. "Of course. That's the way it works in these kinds of things."
"Oh. Well, see you later, then."
Nine months later, when Bulma was in the hospital screaming obscenities about men in general and Vegeta in particular, the rest of the Z-gang came to visit her… although by the time the androids came they had all totally forgotten the experience and had to ask her who's kid it was and why the hell did she have to chase after Vegeta of all people. Must be some side effect of getting punched in the cranium a few too many times. Who knows?
Back to the dramatic birthing scene. The labor was going smoothly.
"Ow, ow, ow, OW! This is all your fault! Stupid Saiyan genes!"
"You're a woman, you can handle it!"
"Jesus fucking Christ, you'd understand if you didn't have your head stuck so far up your ass!"
So Vegeta then proceeded to pull his head out of his ass, where it had been stuck for some 15-odd years.
"Go take a shower, for chrissakes! You reek!"
Several minutes and one shower later, "Goddammit, Vegeta! If I knew this was gonna happen I would never have let you seduce me!"
"Hey! You're the one that seduced me!"
"No, you seduced me!"
"You seduced me!"
"You seduced me!"
"You seduced me!"
And so on.
The nurses, fresh out of medical school, stood in the corner and giggled. Vegeta glared at them and asked, "Can I blast them?"
Mid contraction, Bulma rolled her eyes. "No."
Indignant, "Why not?"
"I'll make you sleep on the couch."
"So? You aren't that good of a lay."
"Yeah, well neither are you!"
"What? I am the Prince of all Saiyans--"
"Yeah, whatever! Even third-class Goku is a better lay than you."
Vegeta stared, aghast and a little nauseous. "What? Just how many of the Z-weaklings have you had?"
She blushed. "Umm... Well, there's you, Yamcha, Goku, Krillin, Master Roshi Vegeta proceeded to gag, Yajirobe, Tenshinhan, Chaotzu... I think that's it. Piccolo might've been fun, but he's asexual apparently so I guess I'll never know. Chaotzu was definitely the best, though. You wouldn't believe the things he can do with his--"
"For the love of— quit swooning! Now have this kid so we can get out of here!"
"Oh yeah. I forgot about that."
So, out popped Trunks… and there was much rejoicing.
Vegeta noticed something. "Funny, he looks an awful lot like that purple-haired Super Saiyan punk from the future."
Bulma concurred. "Wow. What a coincidence."
And they thought nothing more of it.
XXX
Vegeta had just gotten back from his "Psychoanalysis through Yoga" class and was in a rather bad mood, what with them talking about the Oedipal complex and whatnot, then saying all that freaking phallic stuff and here he never even knew his mother... Not that he was going to tell THEM that, they'd make him breathe deeply, put his foot behind his head, and then start that free-association shit.
Yeah, certain authors need to skip psychology class more often.
"WOMAN!!!!!"
Bulma usually controlled Veggie by blackmailing him with everything from the gravity room to food to the couch, because in reality he hates her guts and is just using her to get laid, he would never just listen to her because he likes and respects her, no never. But anyways, this time she just didn't feel like going balls on him, so she instead resorted to logic. "Y'know Veggie-chan, you almost never call me that on the show."
"MAKE ME SOME DINNER WOMA--I don't?"
"No. And you have enough freaking self-respect to not go ballistic every five minutes and make a total ass of yourself, you freaking know how to use the microwave."
He relaxed. "Oh. Well then. As you were."
Trunks cautiously poked his purple head in the room. "Wow. Dad doesn't know it, but he's so whipped."
Unfortunately for our favorite lavender-haired chibi, the Saiyan Prince was, after all, a Saiyan, and therefore quite clearly heard his son's disparaging remarks. "BRAT!!! YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!! MEET ME IN THE GRAVITY ROOM, BRAT!!!"
"What? Brat? Where did THAT come from, dad?"
"Huh?" Vegeta was confused. Why was everyone always psychoanalyzing him? WHY?
"You've never called me 'brat' before, it's always been 'Trunks' or 'son'."
"It has?"
"Yup."
"Oh. Okay. TRUNKS YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!! MEET ME IN THE GRAVITY ROOM, SON!!!"
"Thanks, that's a lot better."
"No problem."
And thus, the Briefs boys spent some more quality time together. Aaaw. Isn't that sweet?
---
Meanwhile, over at Orange Star High, Videl was in the middle of stalking Gohan, because that's what she does when she's not out busting crime. Sharpner was stalking Videl, and Erasa was stalking Sharpner, so they pretty much had a nice conga line going down the hallway. Pretty soon more people joined in, and everyone partied on, dudes!
Unfortunately, Videl was called away to bust the city's 23rd bank robbery that week (you'd think by now they would've installed tighter security to forestall such incursions and prevent the city's heroine from flunking out of school, but the police department was really too busy taking her and their salaries for granted to worry about such silly business as that) and Gohan had extreme bladder control problems. He just HAD to go, he told the teacher, Mr. Qlvjhds, he had heard that if you hold it too long it can cause a nasty infection, or it'll weaken your bladder muscles so much that you're liable to wet your pants with no warning whatsoever! But Mr. Qlvjhds was a history teacher and he knew nothing about that kind of stuff, so he let him leave, which is good for Gohan because he may or may not have been lying.
Anyways, eventually the bad guys were busted and once again, the day was saved, thanks to... The PowerPuff Girls!!!
Saiyaman helped too. A bit. Videl just stood there with her arms crossed, glaring in a manner rather reminiscent of our favorite super Saiyan under 6'.
However, before the Dork Knight (TM Bob Kane) could fly away in a blaze of glory, Videl grabbed him by the sleeve and yanked him to a nearby deserted, secluded area where she could properly bitch him out. Ready?
BONK
"Ow!" Saiyaman cried, rubbing his head where it had recently made contact with The Frying Pan From HELL! ™ (Who comes up with this stuff?) "What was that for?"
"Tell me who you are or I'll hit you again, Mr. Saiya-whatever!"
"Okay okay okay!" He cowered, for fear of said The Frying Pan From HELL! ™"I am..." Striking a pose, he prepared to give his little Ginyu-force-type repertoire when--
BONK
"I mean it! Tell me! The truth this time!" Red-faced and breathing heavily as if she'd just been doing some very strenuous activity, she brandished the deadly weapon yet again.
"Oh fine. I'm Gohan." Pressing the little button on his watch, Saiyaman became no more, and everyone's favorite nerdboy stood in his place.
Swooning, "Oh Gohan! I'm madly in love with you! Kiss me you fool!"
Gohan furrowed his brow confusedly. "Um… Are you feeling okay, Videl?"
She stared back confusedly. "I think... No, that's not right... Let me check my script... Hmm... Whoops, nope, sorry, I'm a few pages ahead of myself, hell I'm not even reading my own lines. Who's Piccolo?"
Gohan visibly paled and snatched the script out of her hands. "What the hell is going on here?"
"Whatever, let's just move on. Ahem. So Gohan, what other secrets have you been keeping from me?"
He eyed the The Frying Pan From HELL! ™ warily as he replied, "Well, your father wasn't the one to beat Cell."
"No shit, Sherlock! What kind of dolt do you take me for? I figured that out a long time ago, when there was a documentary on Capsule Corporation on TV and Dad went into a veritable epileptic fit when they showed the scary guy that's married to Bulma Briefs, and confessed the entire story to our vacuum cleaner."
Gohan considered that for a moment. "Well, technically I don't think they're married, they just screw on a regular basis."
"Oh. My mistake."
"Say... Speaking of screwing..."
Intrigued, Videl raised her eyebrows, not altogether perturbed about this particular change of subject. "Yes?"
"...Shouldn't we get back to school?"
"School? What does that have to do with screwing?" She asked in a manner that could in no way, shape, or form be considered disappointed, no less devastated.
"Well, that's where most of the city's sexaholics hang out."
Quizzical, "Don't you mean nymphomaniacs?"
"No, I think they're over at Capsule Corporation."
---
Arriving back at said Hot House of Lovin', the two future dance partners (of the horizontal mambo) were there just in time to hear their teacher, Ms. Hhsrhzlxnv, give a very important announcement. "This is a very important announcement, children! Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to..."
At his desk, Gohan fervently prayed with the entire strength of his soul. "Please don't say Capsule Corp! Please don't say Capsule Corp!"
"...Six Flags!"
---
The next day, at everyone's favorite theme park...
"Dad, can we go on the Evil Cell Roller Coaster of Tricks? Please please please please please please please?" Trunks begged his father. Vegeta had been thinking that 'the park' meant the grassy place with a few swings and some sand. His son, obviously, had a different image in mind.
"You can fly higher and faster than that thing ever could! And the gimmick is ridiculous! Why the hell would you want to waste an hour of your life to stand in line for three minutes of that abomination?" He growled, determined to have absolutely no fun whatsoever, even if it killed him, and nothing kills the Prince of all Saiyans! Nothing! Muahahahaaa! So there, Kakarott!
Trunks gave his father a disgusted look. "Duh! So I can make fun of it!"
"Oh. Okay then. Just let me clear away the people in line."
Identical smirks appeared as they headed for the 'ride'. Trunks doubted his fun with pops would be ending within the hour.
---
Videl and Gohan were sitting on a (Six Flags) park bench, making out. I mean, they were totally going at it, sucking face, snogging, playing tonsil hockey, swapping spit and frenching, when suddenly (of course) they were interrupted by someone (wonder who?) clearing his throat.
"Can't ya fucking see I'm busy here? I'm stuck on this goddamn school trip when I'd rather be bangin' her brains out but this is the best I'm gonna get right now, so just leave us the hell alone!" Gohan growled, then, looking at his interrupter, turned beet red. "Hi Vegeta."
"Hello Gohan." He rubbed his chin as he stared at the two a moment longer. "I give your overall form a 7.5; your tongue was only halfway down her throat after all, but you get extra points for effort and defensive maneuvers."
"Yeah, and my dad knows a lot about that kind of stuff, him and my mom--"
Trunks was cut off as Vegeta clamped his hand over his son's mouth and yelled, "Quiet!I don't want the entire universe to know that I'm madly and passionately in love with Bulma and make sweet, sweet love to her AT LEAST three times a night, if not more, and YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME KEEP UP MY FACADE OF EVILNESS!"
He glanced around at the hundreds of eyes staring straight at him after his little outburst.
"Ahem. Um." He passed each of the kids a twenty and muttered, "Forget I said anything."
Luckily, if you believe in that sort of luck, at that instant by a strange twist of fate, the rest of the Z-gang appeared, as usual. Just chillin'.
"Well, hello there," Yamcha, Master Roshi, and Oolong said simultaneously, observing Videl in her skank clothes and wagging their eyebrows appreciatively, lewd thoughts gallivanting through their brains.
She took them all out with one punch.
"Good one, Videl." Gohan smiled, grateful his chick hadn't brought out The Frying Pan From HELL!™
Eventually, the perverts were left piled on top of each other on the park bench, and the remaining characters, them being: Krillin, 18, Marron, Puar, Piccolo, Goten, ChiChi, Bulma, Trunks, Vegeta, and anyone else I might've missed, went to see the park's newest, most modern, amazing, interesting, stupendous, mind-boggling, electrifying attraction yet: the Funhouse of Fanfiction.
As they were walking, Bulma, ChiChi, and 18 gossiped, because they are the bestest friends in the whole wide world and 18 would never be so cold as to brush people off or do anything remotely like her original personality intended! It's an irrelevant point, though, because no one could get a word in whilst the black-haired harpy (we're all in agreement that she is a harpy, correct? We've all made that perfectly clear, right? Right.) yammered on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how now that Gohan had discovered the opposite sex, she was finally going to get grandchildren! O happy day!
But when they entered the funhouse, all became eerily quiet, as disturbing images made themselves known...
...sex scenes written by twelve-year-olds...
...grammar that makes nails on a chalkboard sound like the voice of Ewan McGregor...
...pedophilia...
...two hundred different fics all with the same plot line...
..."bonding"...
...normally stoic men crying over bitchy women...
...original characters that are perfect in every way imaginable...
...new threats to the earth that are JUST TOO STRONG, but wait! The UNDERDOG appears...
...pairings that make absolutely no sense whatsoever...
...totally unrealistic dialogue...
...stolen ideas...
...stolen plots...
...stolen stories...
...flamers that don't leave an email address...
...Plot Hole Airlines...
...AU's that make even less sense than the crazy pairings...
...copycat fics...
...age-changing...
...pointless explosions...
...pointless everything...
...same old story, but WAIT! With a TWIST!...
...fairy tales?...
...abuse causing people to fall in love...
...adult relationships written by twelve-year-olds...
...too much smirking...
...baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka...
...repetition...
...repetition...
...repetition...
...uncharacteristic sappiness...
...characters acting completely out of character...
...NC-17 content claiming to be rated PG...
And it just kept going on and on, with no conceivable end in sight, with the possible exception of what comes out of the barrel of a gun, or the bottom of a very long fall without a parachute.
The Z-gang left halfway through it. They just couldn't take it anymore. Even Vegeta seemed shaken by it all, and halfheartedly restrained Trunks from blowing up the entire building in revenge for destroying his childhood.
Krillin shook his head and, glancing down at his daughter who was crying in his arms, commented, "They should've called it the House of Horrors!"
Goten pouted, "Mommy, I don't think I'll be able to ride nimbus anymore!"
Only Gohan and Videl seemed unaffected... But that was because they were not there! Searching frantically for the two wayward teens, they all froze when that all-too-familiar thumping sound made itself known, emanating from a dark corner in the Funhouse of Fanfiction.
Chichi clapped her hands in glee.
"Grandchildren! Oh Goku, I wish you were here!
A new voice said, "Did someone call me?"
"Goku?" Cried Bulma.
"Goku!" Cried Krillin.
"Kakarot!!!" Cried gee-I-wonder.
"Oh Goku!" Cried Chichi. "You're back! I missed you!"
He perked up. "You did?"
"No, I just miss getting laid."
"La... Laid? What's that?" He scratched his head as per the Laws of DBZ decree, and grinned vacuously.
She patted his arm and led him away from the cursed Funhouse of Fanfiction. "Never mind, dear. I'll tell you when you're older."
Suddenly, that strange yet universally recognized thumping noise started up again. "Hey!" Goku, who had been looking around for Gohan and totally not noticing his other son staring up at him in awe, wondered aloud, "What's that thumping noise?"
And before anyone could do a thing to stop him, he honed in on the source of the noise (and the ki of his hormonally driven offspring, both of which was emanating from the same proximity, what a coincidence) and zoomed toward towards them, AND the Funhouse that housed them.
"Oh shit," Vegeta muttered, hoping that what Goku was about to discover wouldn't cause him to instantly go to an even higher level of Super Saiyan that he himself would take decades to reach.
"Mommy, what's shit?" Trunks asked, all wide-eyed and innocent.
"Don't even start with that, young man, you are well aware of its meaning and the fact that thanks to your father you know even more obscenities than I do!" She screeched, still pissed-off that Vegeta had managed to blow up the gravity room twelve times in one day before departing for this "park" – though if she'd just stop fixing it altogether (or start withholding sex), she wouldn't have that problem anymore.
"Well when you put it that way?" he frowned, and glanced at his father who was, in case you hadn't guessed, smirking proudly. Arrogant son of a bitch, isn't he?
Unfortunately, before the author could write any more disparaging remarks that the prince would only take as flattery, a scream ripped through the air.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
See?
"What the fuck?" exclaimed Chichi, of all people, as her hubby ran out of the Funhouse of Fanfiction, clutching his head and flickering back and forth between Super Saiyan and Regular Saiyan. The partially-clothed rubescent post-pubescent Gohan and Videl soon followed, embarrassed as all-hell that their visitor had to catch them in such a compromising position.
Still panicking and hyperventilating, "I… I saw fanfiction! Bad, bad fanfiction! And Mary Sues! And grammar, such evil grammar! And then there was this image of these two people doing something really icky! And then there they were! On the floor! With handcuffs! And leather! And whips! Whipped cream! Blindfolds! And for some Kami-forsaken reason, a bottle of Windex! And a collectible plate with Kermit the Frog on it! And they were doing bad, bad things with it! And then before I could cover my eyes, I realized!"
"Realized what?" Everyone asked, both eager for and afraid of the answer.
Goku turned and pointed at his son and future daughter-in-law, addressing them and glaring darkly. "YOU!"
A pause.
Everyone waited in apprehension.
"WERE!"
Pins and needles, man, pins and needles.
More pausing.
The air was thick with an indefinable tension.
"Playing charades without me!"
The entire group breathed a sigh of relief, then proceeded to facevault at the apparent stupidity of the Hero of the Universe.
"Goku, you are quite possibly the world's stupidest inhabitant!" Chichi yelled, starting to pull The Frying Pan From HELL! ™out of thin air.
"Why, thanks, Ch--"
BONK
He fell to the ground. To make a long story short, he stood up a few moments later, scowling and vituperating under his breath.
"What? Goku swearing?" Exclaimed Bulma. "What is the world coming to?"
"Now who the FUCK is Goku? I'm Kakarot, goddammit!" Said… um… the Earth's first UFO. From now on, think of him as a high-on-aphrodisiacs Sammy L. Jackson in a Goku-suit. "Get outta my way, I've got to blow up this motherfuckin' planet, bitchass!"
"Yes!" Vegeta exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. "His original programming has been restored! Kakarot! Bow down to your prince!"
He obliged, bending to one knee. "Yes, your highness."
Then as Vegeta started on his I-am-the-Prince-of-all-Saiyans-hear-me-roar schpiel, Gok--I mean, Kakarot, slowly stood, walked up to the other man and, slapping him upside the head, yelled, "Psyche!" He then erupted in an enormous fit of laughter. Maniacal laughter. From Goku's mouth. Mindblowing, isn't it?
Vegeta rubbed the back of his head and glared as everyone else looked at the newly-christened Kakarot in absolute horror.
"Goku! What's gotten into you?"
He glanced at Chichi in response to her clamor. "Who the hell are you?"
"What? I'm your wife!"
"My wife? Don't you mean, mate? After all, we've got to be as unconnected to reality as we possibly can with this, right?" A devilish smirk crossed his face, unnerving to say the least, as she nodded. "Well then!" He proceeded to grab her and, using his instant transmission technique, transported them to their empty house in the middle of nowhere, even though that method of travel relies on another ki to work, but we'll just ignore that minor detail for now.
Fifteen minutes later, as everyone continued to stand there in shock, the pair returned, slightly disheveled and quite satisfied with themselves. "Mmm, baby, that was the best wild animalistic monkey--"
The rest of the group covered their ears, with Gohan screaming, "I DON'T need to hear this! I'm gonna be scarred for life!"
Videl nudged him. "It's not like they did anything we haven't done. Being a macho sex machine must run in the family."
He blushed. "Not the point. Not the point at all."
Ignoring their banter, Kakarot announced. "I've changed my mind. If I'm gonna be getting THIS kind of action on a regular basis, this planet is way too valuable to blow up."
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Vegeta scowled. Surprise, surprise.
Kakarot suddenly spotted his Mini-Me. "What the--? What's with the clone?"
Chi-Chi smiled indulgently and patted her mate on the arm. "He's not a clone, dear, he's your son Goten. And don't use that language around him!"
"You didn't mind dirty talking when it was just us?"
"DAD!" Whined our favorite Z-teen.
And life went on as normal. If you call a highly belligerent foul-mouthed horndog taking the place of an oblivious nincompoop normal, then I suppose that statement would be somewhat accurate.
Several days after the Six Flags incident, Goten and Trunks were sparring just for the hell of it, when Trunks got an evil glint in his eye.
Goten was immediately on alert. "Now what evil mischievous prank are you plotting?"
"Well…" his best friend began. "I was thinking bout going on a Dragonball hunt."
"What for?"
"To get the Dragonballs and make a wish! Duh! What else would they be used for?" He paused as strange images went through his head, and he shuddered. "Don't answer that."
"Well, what do you want to wish for?"
Trunks grinned evilly, looking like an exact replica of his father, only shorter. And purple. Gotta love the purple. "You'll see."
So, to continue the shortening of this already deplorably long take, the boys swiped the dragon radar, found all the balls, and summoned the dragon together. Ahem.
"WHAT ARE YOUR WISHES, SHORT PURPLE ONE?"
Trunks took a deep breath. "I wish for all the idiot fanfiction writers on the planet to disappear!"
"THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER. I CANNOT MAKE DISAPPEAR ALL EIGHT BILLION, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE MILLION, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY-EIGHT BAD FANFICTION WRITERS! CHOOSE A NEW WISH!"
"Crap! Any takers, Goten?"
"Yeah! Eternal dragon-man or whatever! Make my daddy the way he was before Mommy hit him on the head with a frying pan! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since it happened!"
"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED." The dragon paused as, on the other side of the earth, someone was heard screaming, "NOOOOOO! My libido! Goooooooone!"
All three sweatdropped. "Er, TELL ME YOUR SECOND WISH."
The two demi-saiyans put their heads together and, upon disentangling their hair, came up with the perfect wish. "DRAGON!" Trunks announced. "Please get rid of every single Frying Pan From HELL! ™ on the planet!"
"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED! THANK YOU FOR USING DRAGONBALLS! DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM!"
Trunks and Goten did a little dance as the seven balls zoomed to all corners of their spherical planet. They assumed that nothing would ever control them ever again. Suddenly, Gohan appeared and began castigating them in a manner befitting a teenaged older brother. "You guys! What were you thinking?"
Trunks nudged Goten forward none-too-gently, singling him out to give their response. "Um… Big Brother, we only did it out of self-preservation!"
"Okay, kid, first of all this is not 1984 so you will not refer to me as "Big Brother," got it? Secondly, you got rid of the The Frying Pan From HELL! ™, but you forgot about the Rolling Pin of Death! ™ Don't you know the only way for a career housewife to escape the limitations impressed upon her by a patriarchal society is by implementing regular household items to commit gross acts of violence?"
Realizing this, they all cringed and began to run for their lives as a certain black-haired harpy appeared on the horizon, kicking up dust and brandishing said device of torture.
So eventually everything went back to normal. Goku forgot about what sex was, Bulma and Vegeta had sex every night, Trunks (and eventually, Bra) soundproofed their rooms in order to sleep at night, Gohan and Videl got married and banged (though not necessarily in that order) and had Pan, Goten and Marron just existed, and all was well in the world. Pretty soon, the boys had turned eighteen, the girls somehow sixteen, and the raging seas of hormones were, well, raging.
Meanwhile, in outer space, some bored aliens had watched all the porn videos they had available on the spaceship and were looking for something evil to do.
The first turned to his comrade and exclaimed, "There are billions upon billions of planets in the universe... Hey! I know! Let's go completely out of our way to terrorize the one way out in the galactic sticks that's half-filled with stupid, annoying creatures that will of course have a team of inconceivably strong warriors to defend them!"
"Hurray!"
Megaroo, Chibi Beji, Lady Hella, and Stef-chan suddenly popped out of an interdimensional portal and into the DBZ world!
"Okay, so now what?" Beji asked, scratching her head confusedly.
"I have abso-friggin'-lutely no idea. You honestly think I READ those lame-assed self-insertion fics?" responded their infallible leader Megaroo (that sentence was in no way mean to hurt, trample, scumble, injure, harm, damage, mar, twinge, abuse, torture or disparage the writers of said lame-assed self-insertion fics. Really. No lie).
"Hey, self insertion sounds like..."
"Shhh!" silenced Hella, causing Stef to become quiescent. "I just received a disturbingly ominous feeling with my newfound ki abilities! Something utterly pandemonious is going to befall the earth if we do not act quickly!"
"So many big words, so little time..." muttered Megaroo "I hope she didn't score higher on the SAT than I did. That would like, totally suck."
Not hearing their companion muttering, because frankly she did it all the time and they were used to it, the other three nodded, Beji suggesting, "We should most definitely check it out. At the very least we might get a tidbit of information that will spark our muses."
Nodding again in agreement, they all went Super Saiya-jin 2 and flew away.
ChiChi and Goku were standing in their bedroom, she in a black, silk and lace teddy, he in his usual bright, glaring neon orange fighting gi.
"Goku, honey... Gohan doesn't live here anymore... Goten and Pan are in school... we're all alone in the house... What do you think we should do about it?"
"I dunnoh ChiChi... What's in the fridge?"
His wife immediately face-vaulted, then, picking herself off the floor, decided to get him drunk like she always did when she was in the mood. When he took Goku's libido, the Eternal Dragon had also taken away any memories or id-caused urges that might've served to be a saving grace for Chichi's sex drive. And someday, she was going to GET him for that.
Lucky for the Eternal Dragon (and his own skin), Goten had hidden one of the Dragonballs in a safe location where his mother could never find it. He knew what it was like to be number one on her hit list, and felt bad for being the cause of the Eternal Dragon's distress. Plus he feared that if someone summoned the Dragon, it'd immediately eat him up.
Over at Orange Star High School, where the entire damn world goes to school, Trunks, Goten, Pan, and Bra were sitting around in study hall when our favorite purple-haired demi-Saiyan queried, "Hey! If Goten and I are 18 years old, shouldn't the girls be, like, four? What are they doing in high school? I mean, I know Bra's a genius and everything, but Pan? I mean, well, just look at her lineage! According to almost every DBZ fanfiction writer on the planet, neither of her grandfathers have one single brain cell between the two of them!"
A random Mary Sue walked by, responding, "This is an AU, therefore the author has taken certain liberties pertaining to things like ages, characterization, plot, personalities, believability, sanity, and the like. So no worries. Pan and Bra are 16 in this story, okay? Okay okay okay? That's what I thought you said!"
Trunks obviously was not paying attention to her words, instead drooling over her curvaceous figure, shiny blonde hair, fiery green eyes, and kind, gracious, brave, funny, beautiful, modest, witty, intelligent personality. He wondered hazily if she might have a deep, dark, depressing, violent, terrible, horrible, frightening, secret past, and was hiding her extreme pain underneath it all, hoping that some wonderful warrior genius would come along and help her. Of course, she'd screw him long and hard in gratitude, that was for certain.
Pan noticed all this and immediately slapped him. They hated each other but were secretly in love, though they didn't know it. How sweet.
Suddenly, Goku sensed four strange, unfamiliar energy levels!
"Oh no!" He exclaimed, waking up from his alcohol-induced stupor. "The Earth is in grave dan--Chichi what are you doing?"
Blushing, "Uuuh... Nothing dear."
"Oh. Okay. Well, I have to go save the planet now and martyr myself in the meantime. See you in seven years." He headed towards the window.
"Goku! Wait!"
"Yeah?"
"Uhh... Tell me a name you like!"
Hmmm... Goku thought, She's asked me this question twice before, both when I had a raging hangover like I do now. What a coinky-- a coinsa-- Oh heck, never mind. "I like... Goseven!"
"Alright! Bye dear!" Goku flew out the window, and Chichi reached into the bedside table to retrieve her little friend.
The Z-warriors of the planet, having felt the same thing as Goku -- energy-wise anyway -- were all soon congregated in a large empty desert waiting for the unfamiliar new arrivals to arrive. Five minutes later, the four kind, gracious, brave, funny, beautiful, modest, witty and intelligent new female Saiya-jins landed, and all assumed fighting stances.
After 20 minutes of staring and heavy breathing, Vegeta got bored and threw an energy blast at Hella, who batted it away without blinking an eye. The Saiya-jin prince, pissed-off as usual, powered up to Super Saiya-jin two, and was amazed as Megaroo, Beji, Stef, and Hella all raised their eyebrows and powered back up, to Super Saiya-jin level five. That really angered him, even more this time, because everyone's always surpassing him and it's just not fair!
Fifteen minutes and another good dose of glaring later, Krillin said, "What do you want?"
"Peace," said Stef.
"Love," said Hella.
"Happiness," said Beji.
"An all-expense-paid trip to the Mediterranean and all the cabana boys I can ogle," said Megaroo. Hella nudged her, and she whispered, "What? That's what I want!"
"What we mean is, why are you here?" Yamcha reiterated, wagging his eyebrows at the girls, thinking, Hey, maybe I'll get a date or four out of this, these girls don't know about those teenybopper mistakes I made!
"For one, we're NOT here just as an opportunity for you to get laid, so quit thinking about it, you icky perve." Having read his mind, Beji shot an Evil Death Look at Yamcha that would've made Frieza cower in fear. Even if she wasn't in Super Saiya-jin mode, which she was, so it was particularly terrifying to the weak-willed human quivering before her.
Hella glanced over at Gohan, Goten, Trunks, and Vegeta. "Emphasis on the YOU, as in the human. Saiya-jin and demi-Saiya-jin guys are fair game."
Two hours of appraising looks later, everyone was just about done checking each other out, which was good because another huge power level was making itself known, and then there was Mirai Trunks coming down out of the sky in his time machine!
"Hotcha," muttered Megaroo appreciatively.
Pan stood there with her jaw dropped as Mirai Trunks landed, and she glanced back and forth between him, and the Trunks standing right next to her whose arm she was clutching, totally incredulous. It would be pretty easy to guess what was going through her mind at the time.
Mirai Trunks, meanwhile, was staring confusedly at Goten, Bra, and Pan. "Hey, who are they?" he asked.
Gohan spoke up for the first time in this scene, explaining, "That's Pan, my daughter, Goten my younger brother, and Bra, Trunks'--well--your little sister. Goten and Bra are going out, and Pan and, uh, chibi you are probably going to start dating any second now." He checked his watch. "I've put fifty bucks on the noon to five time slot, so get at it, kids!"
Our favorite future fighter grimaced and looked thoroughly disgusted. "Dude! That's nasty! Your kids will be, like, double first cousins-slash-nieces and nephews! Isn't that illegal?"
Nobody ever thought of it that way, did they?
And then, on top of all this, more disturbingly elevated energy levels were sensed, and three hours later, after our heroes guzzled down some carbonated beverages and played a few rousing rounds of "never have I ever," a large spaceship landed twenty feet away. The ramp slowly opened, and out sauntered...
Radditz, Frieza, Garlic Jr, the Ginyu Force, Androids 19 and 20, Cell, Cell Jrs, Bibbiti, Babidi, Buu, Dabura, and Richard Simmons!
"What the fuck?" said take-your-pick, as everyone gasped
Bulma took charge of the situation in a way that only teenage so-called writers wishing to live vicariously through her sexcapades could write her as doing. "Alright, how the hell did all of you get out of the pits of Hell and get back to Earth? Hmm? Well! Speak up! I'm waiting!"
Radditz, Frieza, Garlic Jr, the Ginyu Force, Androids 19 and 20, Cell, Cell Jrs, Bibbiti, Babidi, Buu, Dabura, and Richard Simmons all looked at each other, then shrugged.
"You mean you don't even know?"
Suddenly, Richard Simmons raised his hand and waved it around like a kindergartner that needed to use the facilities but had to wait for the strict teacher to give him explicit permission to do so. "Oh, me! Pick me! I know! I know! There IS no logical reason for us to be here! We're just here because it seemed an interesting plot contrivance for the author to dish out in order to have something for people to review!"
"Yeah," Cell added. "I mean, no one can ever think up a good explanation for these types of things, so they usually just have some random character, usually modeled after a deranged vision of themselves, act as the underdog and defeat us before we can even toss out one of our many witty lines."
"And I always have such good ones, too!" Frieza added. "You'd think I knew every aspect of Earth culture from the way I toss around common puns and idioms the way I do!"
"Oh." The genius replied. "Well then. Would someone please hurry up and kill these jerks so I can go home and watch the Martha Stewart "Live From Prison" special?
To everyone's great astonishment, Chichi jumped in front of the group of bad guys and, in one smooth, graceful motion, slammed Richard Simmons into a mountain, exploding both him and said mountain. As the little pieces of burning rock rained down on them, Bulma gazed at the brunette in adulation, and unconsciously licked her lips, the object of her interest noticing this and blushing profusely.
Then the fight began, as fights have a habit of doing. Veggie killed Frieza; it was almost like divine retribution, seeing as how the pink little being had tortured, abused, mistreated, violated, defiled, tormented, hurt, beat, neglected, yelled at, assaulted, ass assaulted, teased, bullied, beat the shit out of, and fed sauerkraut to Vegeta every day until he was twenty-six and a half years old. Now he was finally free! He didn't have to let his past control him anymore!
If only he'd listened to his therapist! Then he would've been free decades ago! But oh well!
Goku killed Radditz, Piccolo did away with Garlic Jr, Gohan garroted the Ginyu Force, Krillin decimated Androids 19 and 20, Mirai Trunks slayed Cell, Yamcha massacred the Cell Juniors (actually, Master Roshi did, but Yamcha later took all the credit and bribed Roshi with porn magazines to keep him quiet), Chibi Trunks butchered Bibbiti and Babidi, Goten finished Buu, and Pan beat the living shit out of Dabura, making him writhe in agony as she enjoyed every minute of it whilst he laid there in extreme pain from the numerous wounds she had painstakingly caused to incur the most torment and suffering. This was unsurprising. She is her father's daughter, after all.
So then all the bad guys were gone and the good guys were flexing their muscles in an attempt to look like hot studs, to impress Megaroo, Hella, Stef, and Beji. The four kind, gracious, brave, funny, beautiful, modest, witty and intelligent new female Saiya-jins just stood there with their perfectly plucked SS5 eyebrows raised just a millimeter or twelve. They could've destroyed the invaders easily, but it was much more entertaining to see the dolts struggle and the buff guys break an ever-so-delicious sweat.
They all guzzled lemonade that they'd bought for $5 a cup from a conveniently nearby lemonade stand run by two first-graders that knew how to milk their customers for everything they were worth.
After the appreciative hormone-driven viewing was just about over twenty minutes later, Goten suggested, "The bad guys are gone. Let's go to Six Flags and celebrate!"
Which is what they did, though some people would have preferred celebrating in a more private manner, but lo, the choice was not up to them.
When they got to Six Flags, and came upon the dreaded Funhouse of Fanfiction, all the Z characters were struck with painful memories of that horrid place. So, like any sensible person would do, Megaroo did what came naturally.
She blew it up.
Everyone cheered profusely, but then some WEIRD things started happening when all those bad, bad fanfiction clichés had been incinerated. First, Pan shrank down to her correct age, that being about four years old. A policeman appeared and slapped the handcuffs on Chibi Trunks, charging him with lewd acts and endangering the welfare of a child.
Beji, faced with the prospect of being separated from her one and only love, pulled a bottle a Jack Daniels from her own personal Spandex Space, said she'd stolen it from the local Piggly-Wiggly store, and that she was underage to boot. She and her Hot Guy were immediately imprisoned, married during their incarceration, and lived happily ever after.
Bulma and Chichi glanced at each other, wagged their eyebrows, then, hand in hand, ran off towards Vermont.
Hella sidled up to Vegeta and elbowed him in the side none-too-gently. As she was still in Ultra Hella mode, this severely injured him, so she took him back to CC, nursed his injuries and his broken heart back to health, including the symptoms of his so-called "broken bond" –a weakness that any warrior race would disparage for its tendency to cause extreme vulnerability in otherwise stoic soldiers—and invoked the Florence Nightingale effect on him. They are now happily unmarried with twelve super duper strong kids that like to tag along as they travel the universe, sightseeing and destroying random planets just for the hell of it.
Stef had Goku instant transmission them to a pretty little pond they like to call Hole-With Wet-Stuff. There, she explained the intricacies of sexuality, it being on a linear scale compounded by a hyperbola-shaped distribution, which is why Bulma and Chichi decided to raise cows in the Walmart-free State. She told him that she loved him very, very much, and that she was going to teach him the fine art of feng shui.
He replied by stating that he knew what feng shui was, he'd just never had a chance to practice since his now ex-wife though it was a fighting style and hit him over the head with The Rolling Pin of Death! ™whenever he mentioned it.
Stef said that he could most definitely practice his feng shui with her, and then he said he loved her a whole lot. She said she loved him too, and that he was the only man for her. They laid down on the grass and had wild and passionate animalistic monkey feng shui, screaming out each other's names and generally having a fun time.
Later, when they went back home, Stef suggested they move to the city where they could get jobs as marriage counselors-slash-porn stars-slash-feng shui instructional videotape actors. So that's what they did. Many many years of feng shui bliss later, Stef woke up one morning and yelled, "BY GOD, I STILL ONLY HAVE ONE LINE!!!"
But you sure did say a lot, didn't you?
Krillin turned to Mirai Trunks with a question on his mind that had been plaguing him ever since I decided Krillin would be the one to ask, "So why are you here, anyhow?"
Mirai Trunks responded, "Oh, you know, the usual. In my time the earth was completely destroyed, and you know, having nothing but your right hand for a companion is only satisfying for so long. So I decided to come back to this time, when me and the other me are the same exact age so that it'll be even tougher for people to tell which of us is which, even though our completely different childhoods and experiences have made us two completely different people despite our identical genetic structure."
"Oh."
Ignoring the vertically challenged but still important to society person, Mirai Trunks approached Megaroo and kneeled down in front of her, staring into her eyes with his beautiful clear blue ones. Sigh. "I know you have sort of a thing for guys with dark pasts, which is why you love me so much, but I promise to never be an unchanging schmuck, to be accepting and understanding, to love you for as long as you'll have me, to never ever trivialize your life, and to threaten your brother with bodily harm if he doesn't quit smoking and start doing something with his life."
Megaroo seemed hesitant.
"Did I mention my 30-room country villa in Tuscany?"
"Yes!" Megaroo screamed, jumping up and down like a five-year-old on a new pogo stick, before leaping on M. Trunks so hard that they fell on the ground and rolled around on the grass in an excited manner. "Finally! The man of my dreams! Thank you, Dende!"
Somewhere up there, a young green god was having a post-coital smoke and thinking, No, thank you.