"The Banana, the Boyfriend, and Mrs. Standish"
A/N: My response to Mari's 'Sex Ed' challenge! Enjoy and review me!
Summary: Claire's mother, a part-time substitute teacher, finds herself employed for a day in her daughter's health class…on the one day a year substitute teachers fear more than any other…
"Mom, before we get there, I have a few things we need to talk about," warned Claire as she and her mom drove thought the late November snow to Shermer High. Donna Standish, while technically a small-term heiress, felt she still needed to contribute to society (hell, it was better than sitting around bickering with her lame-ass husband all day) and she DID have that teaching degree. Therefore, Donna took up substitute teaching. Lucky for Claire, Donna had managed to stay away from Shermer High School…until today. Claire was willing to tolerate her mother, but she needed to set down some 'safety rules' first. She drew pictures on the window with her fingers in the frost as she spoke.
"First, it's one thing if you were teaching French or math…but Health is a very delicate subject!"
"Claire, stop being melodramatic, you sound like your father!" said Donna, stopping at a red light and pulling out a hand-mirror to check her mascara. Donna, despite being 42, always insisted on making her look like the numbers needed to be switched and she was 24. It annoyed Claire. Claire would rather be honorable enough to admit she wasn't a spring chicken anymore rather than shell out nearly half a million dollars a year for face lifts and liposuction.
"Mom, my friends and boyfriend are in class with me!" Claire said. "It's an extremely awkward situation!"
"Boyfriend? Oh yes…what was his name?"
"John Bender, Mom. I didn't want you guys to meet so soon. I've only known him since March," Claire said.
Donna pulled through the intersection and pulled into the school's driveway. "Claire Hortense Standish, you won't have to worry about a thing. I'm only going to be here for one day. I'm sure this John Bender of yours is a charming young fellow!"
"Um…" Claire mumbled.
"Darling, don't worry! It's bad for your complexion!" Donna snapped. "It's Health class! I pop in a video about the circulatory system and all's right with the world!"
Claire sulked in her seat. The body systems had all been covered already…that is, except for one…or rather…two.
But she didn't give it a second thought. It wasn't like her Health teacher, Mr. Jones, to cover such a…sensitive topic, without warning. Because there was going to be a substitute, it probably meant a filmstrip about drugs and alcohol ruining your life in the class' future.
Or so she thought.
Health class was right after lunch, and Donna was running late to class, so the group sat down and started chatting.
"So, you're mom's our sub?" asked Allison, wearing a black t-shirt and baggy black denim pants.
Claire nodded. "Yes," was what she said. Bender snorted.
"If we're lucky, she'll bring us all a sack full of money if we shut up while she files her nails!" Bender scuffed.
"That's not funny!" Claire warned. "I'm nervous about her meeting you."
"What's there not to like about me?" Bender said. "I'm hot, sexy, charming—"
"—a royal pain in the ass!" Claire turned around to see Andy walking in the room with Brian.
"Eh, who asked Jockstrap anyways?" Claire smiled as Allison stood up from her desk to kiss Andy. They were so lucky! Andy and Allison were wide open about their affairs, it was like watching Ilsa and Ricky kissing in Paris during that old movie she watched in a cinematography course she took. Of course…Humphrey Bogart didn't wear a letterman jacket…and Ingrid Bergmann didn't wear her hair in front of her face.
"So, did Mumsie tell you what I have to sleep through today?" asked Bender.
"No. She told me this morning Mr. Jones didn't leave a lesson plan. We're her first health class, so let hope someone remembered where we were," Claire said. Everyone looked at Brian.
"Not me," said Brian. "I was absent last class, remember? I had an orthodontist appointment to get my braces tightened."
"John, just please don't give my mom a hard time. I want everything to go smoothly between the two of you!"
"I will if you lemme see what's under the skirt!"
Claire growled disapprovingly. "You're nasty," she scolded. Bender pouted his lip.
"Sowwy," he said in sarcastic baby-talk.
"I'm here!" Everyone looked up to see Donna walk into the room hurriedly. "I'm Mrs. Standish," she briefly introduced herself. Bender studied her for a second. Not a lot of resemblance between her and her daughter. Maybe she took after her father…or maybe Donna Standish had one too many nose jobs. Claire looked down at her desk.
"I wasn't left a lesson plan, so I'm going to need someone to tell me where you guys were last time," she began. Donna looked around. No one said a word. Suddenly, a boy with long dark hair and black fingerless gloves rose his hands. Donna pointed to the grungy boy. "Yes?"
Bender smiled widely. This was gonna be good. "I remember!" he said.
"Oh? Can you please tell me?"
"Today, I believe, is Sex Ed Day!" he said. Claire gasped and turned red. Andy buried his head in his hands. Allison licked her lips and squeaked. Brian shrugged. It was a good possibility, actually. Donna turned red too. No…it couldn't be!
"One moment, please," Donna muttered, turning her back to the class. Sex day? SEX DAY? Donna slowly gathered her thoughts and breathed as calmly as she could. Donna barely made it through her OWN sex ed class! She recalled the disgusting movie with the oh-too-realistic visuals, the fun-tastic worksheets, and, the crème-de-la-crème…the banana. THE banana. The devilish piece of fruit that her teacher had used to demonstrate the proper use of condoms. And Donna had been selected by her teacher to demonstrate…THAT was a fun story. Donna, instead of successfully applying the condom to said banana, she squeezed it to tight…and it exploded in her hand. Ever since, Donna had never eaten a banana. Nor had she ever enjoyed publicly talking about sex. Her son, William, was born pre-martially because she refused to even touch a condom. Now she was expected to TALK to these kids about it? How….wonderful….ah, hell, who was she kidding? She'd rather be getting a root canal right now in front of these kids than taking about…s-e-x.
Donna turned back around, staring into 28 pairs of beady, anticipating eyes. Bender smiled. He was king of the world…and this was just the beginning! Claire gave him to look of absolute destruction. Bender was sure if he looked her in the eye, he'd turn into stone.
"Well, I'm only a substitute, maybe she left a video—"
"—ma'am, will you deprive us the education our parents pay taxes for?" Bender said with a pseudo-serious tone.
Donna blushed and felt her underarms being to moisten as she looked into the punk kid's eyes. "What is your name, young man?"
Lie, John! Lie, lie! Claire prayed.
"Jonathan T. Bender, but feel free to call me John, ma'am!" bender said with mock politeness. Claire looked for a millisecond into the eyes of her mother and wanted to dissolve into thin air at that very instant.
Meanwhile, Donna was also ready to explode. John Bender? CLAIRE'S John Bender? Oh, grrrrrrrrrreat! Why didn't she just string herself up right now?
"Ma'am, may we start the lesson?" asked Bender. Claire reached her foot across the aisle and stomped on Bender's foot. "Argh!" he yelped. Donna swallowed and nodded. She needed to save face.
"Alright...um, okay. Where should we start?" Donna asked cautiously.
The classroom, which was 75 percent female, chimed in near unison, "The man parts!" Allison, who hadn't said anything, laughed out loud and looked at Andy and Brian, who were beet red. Bender, not at all fazed by the decision, sat back and put his hands behind his head. How could he fuck this up…?
Donna sifted through Mr. Jones' desk and found an overhead projector sheet with the male reproductive system. She gulped, staring at it as if it carried a disease. She set up the overhead projector and regretfully slid the diagram into the class' view. She turned the lights off and rubbed her hands together. Donna looked around the room. Girl and guy alike were giggling madly at the board. Donna closed her eyes and wished she was dreaming. She hadn't even spoken yet! Bender raised his hand. Great, she had to talk to the little wise-ass who was tainting her daughter's virgin mind!
"Yes, John?" she asked cautiously.
"Is that a diagram of some rare STD?" he asked, pointing at the board. More laughter ensued as Donna turned around. She'd put the diagram upside down. Donna felt her face light on fire as she quickly switched the diagram around.
"You are NOT 6th graders! You are young adults! Stop laughing!"
"But it's a PENIS!" Bender said, emphasizing the last word. This was almost TOO easy!
"Fine! No diagrams!" Donna quickly switched the lights back on. She was beginning to sweat, and they still had 52 minutes left in the class! Donna sifted around for a minute. "You'll just get to watch it on tape instead—"
"—is this the Sundance Porno Festival now?" asked Bender. Donna slapped her forehead.
She finally caught sight of the pile of videos sitting in the corner. She found a sex video quickly and breathed a sigh of relief. It was 30 minutes long. 22 minutes was more tolerable than 52. She popped the movie in a VCR.
"Watch. Learn. Don't talk!" Donna said, turning off the light.
"Hello, friends! Welcome to Maple Street USA! It's an average town, just like yours! It's filled with young people, just like yours!"
A peppy young blonde girl in ringlets and a 'dashing' young man skipped up to the screen.
"Meet Patty and Joey! Two young people just like you!" 'Patty' and 'Joey' waved high to the screen. "Patty and Joey are 14 years of age, and that means they're teenagers! They love to do many of the same activities you like to do!" The next shot showed Joey shooting a basketball in a hoop and making the shot.
"That's a physically impossible shot," scoffed Andy. "The boy was standing on the left sideline at an impossible angle!"
The shot after that portrayed Patty sitting on a comfy-looking couch with two knitting needles in hand, just like a 'good girl'. "That's not fair!" Allison snorted. "Patty has more biceps than Joey does!"
"Patty and Joey are slowly going through changes within their bodies. These changes are called 'puberty'! Puberty is a necessary part of life. Puberty paves the way for Patty and Joey's futures!"
"Patty the Prostitute and Joey the Jackass!" Bender declared.
"You see, once puberty occurs in these two young people, they will be able to fulfill their future roles in society! Joey will grow a deeper voice, gain muscle mass, and grow in height. This will give him the right sized body to go out into the workforce and provide for his family!" The screen showed an 'older Joey' wearing a business suit and earning wads of cash lifting heavy crap around. The next shot showed an 'older Patty' holding two babies, one in each hand, and four others sitting like dopes at her feet as she sat in a rocking chair. "Once Patty goes through puberty, she will be able to have lots and lots of babies to fill the world with sunshine!"
Allison grew red in the face. "BOO! NO FAIR!" she yelled.
Bender chimed in. "Yeah! Who says I gotta fucking WORK for money when I can STEAL it twice as easily?"
The class began laughing.
The video continued. Patty and Joey (young again) were running in an open field. "These changes not only occur physically, but mentally! Patty and Joey have been friends for years. But now, Joey is starting to experience feelings for Patty that he's never felt before…"
"Too bad, Joey! The narrator already nailed her!" Bender said. The class rang out in laughter again.
"…and, in turn, Patty realizes that Joey is growing up. They decide it's time to take their relationship to a new level! They begin dating!"
"Yeah, because THAT'S how it works!" Allison snapped, leaning in to Brian, who sat across from her. "If I got a guy every time I got my period, I'd be a busy lady!" Brian remained silent and squinted his eyes shut, wishing the class could end as soon as possible.
He wasn't alone. Donna knew it was only a matter of time before her Botox injections began to melt.
Once the movie ended, Donna turned on the lights to a group of nearly asleep students. "Any…um…questions?"
Allison stood up. Claire looked behind her as Allison stood. Everyone turned to face her. "When was that film made?"
Donna looked at the box. "1955!" she said.
"Why didn't they just call it a boner?" she asked bluntly. Bender had to hide his face so no one could she his urge to explode into a laughing fit (although he quickly regained composure). "Was the word not…invented yet or something?"
Donna bit her bottom lip and began twiddling her fingers. "Well…."
"…because after about the 50th time they called it 'The Wonder of Manhood' I was ready to spew!" Allison finished. Everyone in the room other than Donna and Claire was ready to piss their pants. Allison slowly sat back in her seat, squealing.
"Any REAL questions?" asked Donna, glancing at the clock literally every 5 seconds.
"I have a question!" piped up Bender. Donna rolled her eyes.
"John?"
"I wanna know how to put on a condom!" Bender said. "For once, I'd like to NOT knock up a girl after doing it!" Claire slammed her head onto her desk. Allison dug into her purse and got out a large black shawl, and handed it to Claire, who thankfully placed it over her head.
"You've had unprotected sex, young man?" asked Donna, seriously.
"I got so many kids with so many chicks; people think I'm a Mormon!" Bender said. Donna grew from red to purple in seconds. That WASN'T a true fact…but it sure as hell was a funny one!
Donna pursed her lips. "Fine! We'll learn the proper usage of Donna spat out. Luckily, Mr. Jones DID have one stowed away in the drawer (why? she didn't want to ask). She got it out and played with it between her fingers. "You, John! You asked for it, you demonstrate it!" Donna pointed to the spot next to her. Bender got up and pretended to feel bad.
"Want me to whip it out? You need a model!" Bender unzipped his fly. All the girls in the room leaned forward.
"No! John! We need…um…" Donna looked around the room. She saw a boy in a letterman sweater reach into a hollow lunch sack.
"I have a leftover banana!" he chimed up. Donna froze. Banana? The jock boy tossed it at Bender, who held it like a disease. Donna wished she could move time forward about…11 minutes. But, no short-time time travel occurred, so Donna tossed the condom at Bender, who pretended to giggle like a girl.
Instead of applying the condom to the banana, Bender threw the package aside and peeled the banana, putting the end in his mouth and leaving it there. Claire wanted to melt.
"Spit it out, John!" Donna snapped, having quite enough of this. Bender took the banana out of his mouth and grinned.
"What? My momma always told me the best way to protect myself was to suck it!" Bender says, cocking his head to one side and over-pouting his lips. Donna was beginning to shake. Claire was worried she was going to have a panic attack. She shot up and shooed Bender back to his seat.
"Mom, go relax. GO to the office and have them call in another sub, ok? You just need a minute…" Claire advised.
"I can't believe you're dating him! Scum! Beneath you! What were you THINKING?" Donna whispered. Claire looked at Bender a second, who winked at her.
"You know, sometimes I wonder…" Claire muttered. "Go on ahead," she insisted. Donna looked at the classroom full of pricks and walked out of the room, utterly humiliated and totally exhausted.
Claire went back to her desk. She sat down, silent. The class immediately began laughing and talking all at once, waiting for the bell. Bender leaned over.
"She's your mommy?" he asked.
"Shut up," Claire snapped back. Bender sat back.
"She takes after you…REALLY cherry-minded!" he said.
"You know, you guys meeting was really important to me and you didn't exactly make a good impression!" Claire wiped a tear from her eye.
"Actually, compared to some, that was a GREAT impression! She left the room without a straitjacket, didn't she?" Bender pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Claire looked up at him. Just the way he looked at her made her laugh. She couldn't stay mad at Bender for more than a few minutes now.
Bender smiled, knowing all was right again. "Now Patty, what say you wait for Joey after school? He might let her treat him to a Slurpee if she's lucky!"
Claire came into the house around 6 that evening to find her mother Donna lying on the chaise with an ice pack on her forehead. Claire sighed, looking at the pathetic image before her.
"You know, once you open your eyes, he's not so bad," Claire said.
"That ghastly boy who tormented me?" Donna whined. "He shaved five years off my life in one afternoon! Hand me my tequila glass, darling?"
Claire rolled her eyes and handed Donna the glass. She took a sip.
"He's funny. Believe it or not, I like him, and you're just going to have to put up with it…I know Dad would!" Claire said. She then turned away from her lazy mother and went upstairs. Donna groaned. She just needed to let herself melt away for the night.
And she would have, had the phone not rang. Donna picked it up (it was on the table beside her). "Donna Standish?"
"Hello, this is William Jones, the teacher you subbed for today. I got your number from the office. I always call to make sure things went okay today…they DID Ngo okay, did they?" said a deep, masculine voice from over the phone. Donna began shaking again as visions of the day that were forever burned into her retinas ran past her line of view.
"Are you kidding? I QUIT TEACHING! THOSE LITTLE PRICKS YOU CALL STUDENTS DROVE ME INSANE! I HAD TO CALL IN ANOTHER TEACHER! HONESTLY, HOW YOU SAVED YOUR SANITY FOR THE YEARS YOU'VE BEEN TEACHING, I'LL NEVER KNOW! BUT I AM NEVER SUBBING FOR YOU AGAIN!!!"
"Mrs. Standish? Was it that bad?" The voice almost sounded amused.
"Was it THAT BAD? You didn't tell me it was Sex Day in your class!!"
"Sex Day?"
Donna felt a migraine coming on, so she leaned her head back and le tit sink into the goose feather-stuffed cushions.
"YES! SEX DAY! Are you deaf?!?!"
"Mrs. Standish, I have no idea what you're talking about. Sex Day isn't until next term…"