Seeds of Doubt

It was a rainy and unusually cold day in Malibu that greeted the guys when they got up that morning. Yesterday, they had said goodbye to Davy's grandfather and had wished him a safe trip home before gleefully helping Davy take his things back to the pad. They had spent the rest of the evening unpacking before grabbing a quick meal of sandwiches and potato chips and going to bed. They had hoped to go have some fun on the beach the next day as a way to relax from all the tension they had just gone through.

However, the dismal weather that showed up overnight put an abrupt end to those plans. With no gig lined up for the next two days and not much else to do, the guys decided to spend the day inside.

Currently, Micky and Peter were engaged in yet another round of checkers while Davy laid on the couch and read a book. Up near the entrance to the balcony, Mike sat on the floor and quietly strummed away on his guitar as he continued to work on a song he had gotten an idea for earlier that week.

"Aw, no way!" Micky suddenly exclaimed. "How did you beat me again? I had half of your checkers in the first couple of minutes of this game."

"Yeah, but those were just the losing ones," Peter grinned. "And a complete set of winners will always beat a half set of losers."

"Pete…that doesn't make any sense at all," Micky said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Sure it does," Peter insisted. "That's why I won. Want to play again?"

"Oh, all right, sure," Micky huffed. "I gotta win at least one game at some point, right?"

"You just keep telling yourself that, mate," Davy snickered from behind his book.

Micky tossed a small pillow at Davy before studying the checkerboard in front of him intently. The corners of Mike's mouth turned up and he let out a low chuckle before returning his attention to the song he was working on.

However, it wasn't long until Mike found himself distracted by thoughts that had bothered him since yesterday. He stared down the neck of his guitar as the memory of a conversation he had had with Davy's grandfather replayed in his head.

"Davy needs a family….He can't go on frittering his life away…."

Mike absent-mindedly plucked the strings with no more thoughts of making a coherent tune. At the time, he had thought that Davy's grandfather was wrong to offhandedly dismiss the life Davy had chosen for himself and to act as if the four of them were no substitute for an actual family. However, now that the specter of Davy being forced to leave had passed, Mike could see why someone on the outside might think that way.

In fact, the more he dwelled on it, the more Mike could see the legitimacy of the idea that Davy could be wasting his time. After all, it wasn't as if they had made a success out of their music careers. They continued to struggle to find gigs and make enough money to cover necessities like food and rent. True, they had garnered a following within the local music scene and had the respect of many of their peers, but so far that did not translate into record deals or radio airplay. If that wasn't enough of a letdown there was also all the weird situations and trouble they seemed to land in over and over again. True, they were able to consistently find solutions to these wacky problems, but Mike often worried that their luck might run out at some point.

Mike's fingers stopped moving as he slumped forward against his guitar. Despite the fact that they had to struggle, despite the fact that they sometimes went hungry, and despite the fact that they had had to deal with everything from crooked managers to foreign spies, Mike realized that he would not change a thing in his life. Sure, he still strived toward success and would continue to do so, but he was also content with what he had and was confident that he had never been as happy as he was now.

The Texan glanced up to see Davy staring over Micky's shoulder while the drummer and Peter played their latest round of checkers. Unlike the rest of them, Mike was well acquainted with what it was like to live in a household that faced financial hardship. Thus, he had had to learn to do without for most of his childhood. Plus, when he was growing up, he had seen other families manage to be happy even without a lot of money. As a result, he figured that it was easy for him to not see a lack of funds and all the problems that came with that as a determining factor for happiness. Granted, he knew that money was important and would make life easier, but he also knew that love and family and friends meant a whole lot too.

Unfortunately, this was something else he had lacked as a child. His mother certainly did the best she could after his father left, but Mike was aware that there was only so much she could do. Many of their relatives treated them with a mix of scorn and pity and made it clear that their assistance was mostly due to the obligations that came with blood ties. Mike worked hard to make sure that he was not a burden to family members who took him and his mother in or gave them any other sort of help. Still, there was also only so much he could do as a kid and it was often regarded as not enough anyway. His childhood had not been horrible, but it was lonely and difficult.

Not long after he had moved to Malibu, Mike thought that his life in California would be more of the same, if not worse. Failure after failure to find work as a singer and the desperate living situation he soon found himself in made him wonder if he had made a mistake in coming here. It wasn't until he met the guys that he started to believe that it could be better. Things did not change overnight, but at least now he wasn't alone. He had band mates who shared the same ambitions he did and who were willing to work diligently to fulfill their dreams.

After working and living together for a few months, Mike eventually realized that he had actually gained far more than band mates who could help him find a viable career in music. He had found friends, true friends who cared for him, who would stick by him, and who believed in him no matter how many mistakes he made and in spite of all his personal flaws. It wasn't long before he came to see them as family and to his relief; the rest of them seemed to have a similar feeling about each other and about him. It was when he reached that epiphany, when he finally understood how much they meant to each other that Mike became aware of the happiness that had been building inside him. Life wasn't perfect, but now it had zest and a joy to it that he had never experienced before.

"Unbelievable!" Micky gasped. "How did I lose that time? I had you cornered."

"Give it up, Mick," Davy laughed. "You're not going to win with him winding you up like that."

"No!" Micky said, slapping his hand against the table. "I'm going to win at least one game before I quit. Come on, Peter. Set the board up again."

Mike looked up and watched his friends as they huddled around the table. He had known what family was his entire life, but it wasn't until now that he truly understood why it meant everything to many of his neighbors back home. He knew that he would do anything for the three people he saw grouped around that table and sometimes that idea actually scared him a little. It frightened him that he was so attached and that they meant so much to him.

Mainly because it also meant that he was aware of how afraid he was of losing any of them.

The Texan hunched back over his guitar. Davy's grandfather showing up had reminded Mike that Davy had left behind a cushy lifestyle to have his freedom. But he wondered how long Davy would value his freedom if he had to keep worrying about where his next meal would come from. And even if he chose not to go back to England, Mike was aware that there were other things that Davy could pursue. Davy had been approached more than once by people who were interested in having him work in stage plays and musicals. So far, Davy had turned down all but a couple short-term jobs in this area when they needed a little extra money. However, it wasn't hard to think that the allure of steady work and fame could continue to tempt Davy away from the group.

Then there was Peter, sweet, carefree Peter. Peter also had parents with vast financial means although their staid lifestyle was definitely not for him. However, that did not change the fact that Peter was an exceptionally talented musician who could play multiple instruments and styles of music. Mike had suggested to Peter that he pick up some additional work as a studio musician, but so far, Peter had refused due to his absolute loyalty to the group and the possibility that he might be needed for a gig at any moment. Mike had to question though if Peter's unwavering loyalty could last if they continued to not make it as a group.

Lastly there was Micky, his first real friend and the person who was closer to him than anyone else in the world. Micky did not come from as affluent of a background as the other two, but his family was far from destitute. Micky also had a talent for building things and for electronics that continued to surprise Mike even after all this time. These days, the drummer mainly used these abilities to craft goofy gadgets in his spare time as a hobby, but Mike knew that he could make a living out of it if he wanted to.

Not that Micky needed to have a career to fall back on. While Micky was a solid drummer, it was his singing that that truly set him apart. Mike remembered how impressed he had been the very first time he heard Micky sing and how surprised he was that Micky had chosen to shuffle himself to the back of the stage by being a drummer. In Mike's mind, Micky was one of the best singers he had ever heard. The guys had recently convinced Mike to sing more of his own songs on stage, but there were many times when the Texan thought that Micky did a better job and thought that the drummer should be the one singing them instead. With all of this came the awareness that many of the other bands who worked the same local scene as them were more than a little eager to acquire Micky and his vocal talents for their own groups. It didn't take much for Mike to imagine a time when an offer might come along that was so good; Micky would find it impossible to turn it down.

Laughter erupted from the table across the room while Mike gripped the edges of his Gretch. He thought again about his conversation with Davy's grandfather and of how he had chastised the old man for being selfish and thinking of himself rather than Davy. However, now Mike was confronted with the growing realization that, while he was trying to help Davy hold onto the life the English boy had chosen, he had also been thinking of himself to some extent and of what he could lose if Davy left the group and it unsettled him severely.

'I say I'd do anything for them, but do I mean it?' he asked himself. 'How far am I really willing to go for them? Am I willing to do what's best for them even if it's not what's best for me?'

'Would I be willing to let them go?'

Mike ground his jaw. Deep down, he knew that he would if that was what they really wanted, even though he was also certain that it would break his heart to do so. For better or worse, he had put everything he had into this group and could not see an alternate plan for himself if this fell through. He had willfully chosen to do the one thing he had always thought he could never do: he had given up a measure of control over his own life. He had let go of the complete autonomy he had when he was alone and did not let anyone get too close to him so the bonds between him and the guys could be allowed to grow. It was a decision he did not regret, but not regretting it did not mean that he could avoid the consequences of that decision.

The Texan sat his guitar down and took a deep breath. Even though these thoughts sometimes haunted him and kept him awake at night, Mike knew that it was no good to dwell on them. He might be faced with the possibility that the guys could leave out of frustration and dissatisfaction, but that did not mean that there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. He still had the one option that was always on his mind: to make the Monkees a success. If he could make that happen, the guys would be glad to stay. They would be able to live out their dream of being rich, successful rock musicians, and Mike could hold onto his own happiness over being part of this little created family for a while longer.

Mike got up and went over to a nearby stand to look at the newspaper and at the locally published music magazines. He was determined to find at least a couple leads for jobs before going back to work on his song because more work always opened the door for more opportunities down the line. Just because they had nothing urgent to do today did not mean that he couldn't plan for the future.

"I give up," Micky sighed, throwing up his hands in mock despair. "I don't want to play this stupid game anymore. Let's do something else."

"There should be a pretty good movie coming on the TV in a few minutes," Davy said, looking at his watch. "I read about it in the paper this morning."

"Hey yeah," Peter said. "And we've still got some popcorn and some Cokes in the fridge. It could be like going to the movie theater, but having it here at home."

"Sounds good to me," Micky said, jumping up from his chair. "Hey Mike, you wanna join us?"

"Yeah, Mike, let's watch the movie together," Davy chimed in.

Mike looked up from the paper and over at his friends' happy, eager faces. A part of him yearned to forget about work and spend the rest of the day with his friends while soaking in the simple joy of their company. However, another part was reminding him that as much as he might hate giving up some time with them now, possibly losing those precious friendships for good was far, far worse.

"That's ok, y'all go ahead while I finish up what I'm doin' here," he replied. "I'll join you later if the movie's still goin' when I get through."

"Aw come on, Mike," Micky whined. "You can do that stuff later. Let's have some fun, babe."

"It won't be so much fun here soon if we don't get some work lined up," Mike said. "Or maybe you haven't noticed how bare the cupboard's gettin'."

"I know, I know," Micky said, shuffling his feet. "But sheesh, it's not like you couldn't look for jobs after the movie's over. You don't have to work on it all the time, ya know."

Mike gave him a wan smile. Micky was always trying to get him to lighten up, to play around more. The Texan knew that he did that because Micky wanted him to be happy and get more enjoyment out of life. It touched Mike to know that someone cared so much for his wellbeing and was willing to work so hard to help him laugh and smile more. He knew that he could never express to Micky just how much this meant to him with words, so Mike went with the only other thing he could think of to do. And that was to continue to work to make life better and easier for Micky. For all of them.

"It'd be better if I did this now while I'm still focused on it," Mike said. "Go ahead and have fun with your movie. I'll probably join you in a bit anyway. Then y'all can fill me in on anything I might have missed."

Micky frowned and Mike thought that the drummer would continue to argue with him until a sigh and shrug of his shoulders let the Texan know that he had changed his mind.

"Ok Mike," Micky said. "But try not to take too long with it, all right? We don't want to have to fill you in on practically the whole movie."

"I'll try," Mike said with another slight smile. "Now, y'all go on and make sure to save me some popcorn."

The other three nodded and shuffled off to the kitchen to gather some snacks to eat while watching the movie. Meanwhile, Mike went back to studying the want ads and event announcements, looking for anything that could lead to a job. He knew that he had to be thorough, even though he would also try to finish in enough time to catch at least some of the movie with the guys. Still, even if he managed to miss the whole thing, he knew that they wouldn't be upset with him or hold it against him. They would understand and would only be sorry that he couldn't enjoy it with them.

And that in itself was more than enough reason for Mike Nesmith to spend however long it would take to find something that could maybe move them a little closer to their dream of success.