Chapter 1 - Better Stop This Chapter Before It Gets Any Longer
A shameless parody by Taffy. It's you all I'm making fun of. You hear me? YOU!!! MUAHAHA!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fanfic used to be on , but it was removed very rudely. I'm putting it back up now. The reviews from its first run can be found in the website link from my userpage. They greatly enrich the chapters, especially chapter 2, which doesn't make any sense without them. And now on to the original text of the story.
It was a dark and stormy night. Wasn't stormy though. I just wanted to start this out that way. But it was pretty dark, considering that I started typing at 10:35 PM, Friday night, on a whim. I doubted this mood would be the same when I mocked Shaman King in the morning. I felt like mocking Yu-Gi-Oh fanfics right now. That doesn't happen often.
(This piece of crap is based on all the other pieces of crap in the Yu-Gi-Oh section of I do very little research to protect my already limited sanity. I'm not saying your story sucks. However, nine-tenths of them seem to. Yours might well. Exclusions: Chibizoo and several others whose names I forget. It's 10:38 PM.}
Starting over. It was a dark and unstormy night that Lisa decided to do a self-inclusion work. But this would not be just ANY self-inclusion work. It would be better than most, and thus no one would ever read it.
She looked over her research materials again. Evidently she would need to kidnap characters to do her disclaimer for her. They would not necessarily be Yu-Gi-Oh characters. She glanced at her arsenal.
"Something obscure that relatively few people have ever heard of much less care about," she muttered.
Eventually she pulled out Yugi, Yoh, and Luffy without telling anyone what series any of them were from. "Ohoho. Yoh and Luffy are relatively new arrivals to the States, so no one will question them. Why? Because Yugi is there too, and that makes everything better."
"Can I go home now?" said Yoh.
"Shut up," said Lisa. "You three need to do my disclaimer for me."
"Why?" said Luffy.
Lisa looked at her research fodder again. "Becauuuuuse... I'll hurt you otherwise."
"What for?!"
"That's what all the fangirl authors do."
"Don't you mean authorESSes?" said Yugi cautiously.
Lisa checked a dictionary. "Hm. Contrary to my belief, it is a word. However, Webster says 'the word is not very much used, author being commonly applied to a female writer as well as to a male.' Plus, 'authoresses' is too clunky a word, and I wish it to be banished from proper English. But rules are rules, I suppose."
"There are rules for this?" said Luffy incredulously.
"Of course there are. And one of them is that I have to kidnap anime characters and force them against their wills to do disclaimers, which I think are redundant and unnecessary, but rules are rules."
Yugi raised his hand. "I don't really want to do a disclaimer."
Lisa pulled out a shiny meat tenderizer. "And I don't want to hurt you, but rules are rules."
"What's a disclaimer?" said Luffy innocently.
"A disclaimer is a reduntant proclamation that the material about which you write does not belong to you, despite the fact that it is being posted on ," Lisa explained. "You are to say that Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi, who I am not."
"But you just said it."
"That's why it's redundant. Say it anyway or I'll hit you."
"But I'm made of rubber."
"Then I'll hit Yoh. I'm sure he won't mind."
Luffy sighed. "Fine... Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi and not Lisa, as Lisa is not Kazuki Takahashi."
Lisa applauded. "Very good. But something seems wrong here..."
At that time Yugi decided to be helpful. "Shouldn't the long, rambling author's notes at the beginning all be in Crappy Script Style #2?"
Lisa checked her notes. "By Jove, he's got it! And by law, I am to snuggle you now." And she did.
Yugi: Rules are rules?
Lisa: Yeah, but you're also squishy.
Yugi: In real life that face isn't physically possible.
Lisa: ignores him Luffy, repeat the disclaimer! Now!
Luffy: sighs again Why me?
Lisa: Because I have a meat tenderizer and a Yoh.
Yoh: Leave me out of this.
Luffy: Fine... Yu-Gi-Oh and everything about it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi and not Lisa, as Lisa is not Kazuki Takahashi.
Lisa: clap clap clap
Yugi: Oo I can feel the intellectual level of this story going downhill every second! It feels like a chat room!
Lisa: I know people who punctuate in chat rooms.
Yugi: --in an online RPG!
Lisa: BY GOD, HES RITE!!!!1
Yo: wakes up have wedegraded in to crappy scriptstyle #1.
L: the diference between 1&2 is profeading, we must plul out of it before itis to late!!!1
Yu: lisa use you're authoress powers
Lisa: It's AUTHOR powers, porcupine head!
Yugi: OO You just insulted me!
Lisa: pats Yugi on the back I'm sorry. Poor conventions make me woozy. And Crappy Script Style #2 still frightens me. We should leave it behind as soon as possible.
She glanced down at her notes again. "That does it for the author's notes," she added. "Next, we need a dumb and unlikely premise. Unfortunately, I am notoriously bad at coming up with those."
"Then what'll you do?" said Yoh.
Lisa flung aside a curtain, revealing one thousand monkeys wreaking havoc on one thousand typewriters. A banana peel flew from the chaos and landed on Luffy's face.
"They said," said Lisa, "that if one thousand monkeys were given one thousand typewriters, they would eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. I have found this to be totally false." She pulled a leaf of paper from the nearest typewriter. "However, I have discovered that if one thousand monkeys are given one thousand typewriters, they can eventually reproduce much of the fanfiction on the internet today. Case in point, a word-for-almost-indecipherable-word copy of 'A Disaster Play.' Now my friends and I suspect that the original was also written by monkeys, only the original monkeys were not native English-speakers."
"Monkeys can't talk," said Yugi.
"Yes I can," said Luffy, whose first name was Monkey, for some reason.
"But they can type," said Lisa. "That's the whole point of this sad excuse for a story. All we have done so far is prove that 1) disclaimers are irrelevant, 2) author's notes are too long, and 3) monkeys can type."
"I imagine you'll get flamed for this," Yoh sighed.
To everyone's surprise, Lisa broke out in hysterical laughter. "Of course I won't get flamed!" she exclaimed when she could breathe again. "No one reads or reviews my stories except sometimes Zoo or a random person of whom I've never heard. And I certainly have never gotten flamed for anything I wouldn't flame myself."
"You've written that kind of crap?" Luffy asked incredulously.
"Much as I hate to admit it," said Lisa, hanging her head.
"She's killed me at least three times," Yugi pointed out.
"That's irrelevant," said Lisa, "everybody kills you. Even Takahashi kills you. Or at least beats you. You should quit and start working for CLAMP or something."
Yugi shuddered. "Please, I get enough dirty things written about me in fanfiction..."
"Which leads us to the next point," said Lisa, continuing to the next nearest typewriter and pulling out the paper in it. "Let's see... from what I can make out, this idea is a karaoke party at Kaiba's house, which Kaiba has thrown to entice Jounouchi so he can get him in bed."
Yoh sat up straight. "WHAT?"
"Well, that's what it says. And I've heard of it happening, too, so that one's no good." She tossed the paper over her shoulder and picked up another one.
"But they're worst enemies," said Yoh. "Why would they want to sleep with each other?"
"Ask the monkeys," said Lisa with an indifferent shrug. "Like I said, I can't come up with anything this awful. Let's see... this next one calls for YxY, RxB, YMxM, and KxJ. But that's it. Typical..."
Luffy and Yoh blinked simultaneously. Yugi could be heard moaning softly in the background. Finally Luffy spoke up. "Um, what do all those letters mean? I thought we were doing satire, not calculus..."
"RxB stands for a Ryou and Bakura pairing," Yugi explained wearily. "YMxM means Yami Malik and Malik. KxJ is Kaiba and Jounouchi."
"Meaning, of course, YxY is Yugi and Yami," Lisa finished, saving Yugi the torture of saying it. "I read somewhere that if you use a plus sign, the relationship is just boyfriend-boyfriend. But the 'x' implies a sexual relationship."
Silence reigned.
Finally Yoh asked, "But except for Kaiba and Jounouchi, all of them are sharing bodies, right? And that would imply--"
"I don't get it either, Yoh," said Lisa.
"And the Kaiba and Jounouchi thing still doesn't make sense," Yoh continued. "That'd be like... like... someone pairing up me and Ren!"
"Apparently that doesn't strike anyone but us as unusual," Lisa replied, grabbing another sheet of paper and fending off a monkey with her meat tenderizers.
"But Ren tried to kill me!"
"If you were to look, I'm sure that you could find Yoh x Ren stories out there, too. It's inevitable, if there's more than one character of either sex in a show, there will inevitably be inconceivable gay pairings, even if it's quite clear in the show AND manga that the characters are straight. I think the safest way around that would be to write a manga where the only two people in the universe are one boy and one girl." She calmly bricked a monkey. "I bet the fangirls would find a way around that too, though."
"Now I'm confused, too," said Luffy.
"Welcome to the world of fanfiction," Lisa sighed. "Now this next one says nothing but 'sugar,' 'Mountain Dew,' 'Karma Jolt,' 'Skittles,' and 'party.'"
"You wrote something like that once," said Yugi.
"No, I had Mountain Dew, Skittles, pizza, Jewish clerks, beer, and party," said Lisa. "You gotta start keeping track of which fic is which."
"Sorry."
"No harm done. Still, I've done this already, so it won't be any fun to mock." She took yet another piece of paper from yet another typewriter.
"How long is this gonna take?" said Yoh tiredly.
A grin slowly spread across Lisa's face. "Ohohohoho... we've hit rock-bottom gold."
"What's it say?" said Luffy.
"'A new duelist comes to Domino High School. She is very pretty but turns out to be evil and wants to kill Yami and trap all his friends' souls in Duel Monster cards because she has a grudge against Yami,'" Lisa read. "It's gold parody shit. The only thing worse than a Mary Sue is an Evil Mary Sue, especially one with a grudge against Yami for a very stupid reason which is never explored. I almost wrote one of these, but I came to my senses before the story exceeded two pages, fortunately. I drew her, though. And it wasn't a half-bad drawing, considering it was two years ago..."
"Are we gonna get on with it?" said Yoh.
"I don't wanna get on with it," said Yugi, "I always get beaten in these..."
"Quit whining. She's coming back," said Lisa determinedly, digging like a mole through her old files. "Aha - her name was Keiei Yamamoto. She looks like a Mary Sue, Yugi reacts to her like she's a Mary Sue, Jounouchi has a crush on her like she's a Mary Sue, and she can do ninja shit, Pegasus shit, and ice magic, which is not shit except in her hands. She is a perfect example of an Evil Mary Sue. I can't believe her story was seven pages long when I gave myself the boot-to-the-head." Lisa passed out from the trauma of her old writing, woke up, and pulled herself to her feet.
"Keiei the sexy brunette, then," she said. "Luffy! Yoh! Kindly bind and gag yourselves and sit quietly in the corner. We're going to have a little chat with Miss Keiei."
Yugi whimpered.
It was 12:37 AM, Saturday morning.
Yoh poked Lisa. "You almost forgot the pathetic plea for reviews," he said.
"Oh yeah," said Lisa. "Thank you."
"What's that?" said the still-oblivious Luffy, who was busily tying himself up.
"If you don't plead for reviews as if your life depends on them, you won't get them, and you'll never have any proof that anyone has ever taken the time to read your work," Lisa explained. "So, Yugi, which plea do you think I should use? The death-threat, the suicide note, or the Traditional?"
"I've never heard any of them," said Yugi.
Lisa stared at him like he was simple for a moment, then elaborated. "The death-threat: 'REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I SHALL EAT YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOUL!' The suicide note: 'If you don't review, I won't have anything to live for and I'll jump off a bridge! You can't stop me except by reviewing!' And the traditional: 'Read and Review Please!' Which one should I do?"
"I'd go with the death-threat," said Yugi. "It worked for your art thread."
"You know Lisa," said Yoh, "this chapter is full of jokes that only you understand. Is there a reason for that?"
"Yes," said Lisa, "why pander to my reviewers' desires when no one will review this anyway? Unless, of course, I let them know that I know where they live and that IF THEY DON'T REVIEW I SHALL EAT THEIR PATHETIC MORTAL SOULS!!!"