A new story! Sorta dedicated to...loveisagiftuseitwisely...
Mysterious.
A loner.
Strong.
Fierce.
Conceited.
An enigma.
Proud.
Rich.
Pitiable.
This stuff may be some of the things conjured up in your mind when you hear my name.
Kai.
Kai Hiwatari.
Someone many despise yet love at the same time.
I don't even know who I am sometimes.
I'm very confused.
Many of you may think it is easy to behave like how I do.
But no, you're totally wrong.
When I want to laugh, express anger or any other feeling, I just can't.
I do actually feel; I'm not a robot.
When they tell jokes, I want to laugh.
When Tyson does something stupid, I want to laugh.
When I lose out to someone, I want to show that I'm sad.
When they say I'm emotionless and don't care for anyone, I get angry and feel like punching them.
There are many other situations that I want to react to.
But that just wouldn't be like me.
My pride will be hurt.
All these feelings cooped up inside me, make me breakdown sometimes.
Many times, I try to cry in the shower.
But my tears are just stuck, unable to come out.
It's a sickening feeling, when you're not able to cry, even when you're sad.
Very sad.
Probably because of the training at the abbey or probably just because I can't let my guard down, in fear of my pride being hurt.
I wish to remain a mystery to all, for if they knew the real me, I would never be able to face anyone again.
I always feel like showing and telling others that I do have a heart and I care for them but I can't bring myself to do that.
It would make me seem weak and I hate to be that.
My eyes may seem like bottomless pits of fire when you look into them, showing no emotions whatsoever.
Only if you search deeper will you find that they are full of feelings, hopes, thoughts.
Nobody has ever been able to find it.
Speech is silver, silence is golden.
This is something I learnt in the abbey.
I prefer to remain silent most of the time for I do not wish to say wrong things.
To be humiliated.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I've never believed that because there was only the worst at the abbey.
It made me the pessimist I am now.
I don't trust anyone.
Why?
The people I trusted left me and the only one that didn't has hurt me.
I never was able to trust anyone since then.
People are just too evil.
You never know what's on their minds.
They are very good actors and seldom say what really is on their minds.
I do not want to be a laughing stock when they were just actually pretending to be my friends and did not mean it.
My pride will be lowered.
I've always been ahead of my years, both mentally and physically.
It's definitely sucks and I hate being over mature.
I have problems that people older than me have and thinking like them may be a cause of it.
Coming to think of it, I'm just like a helpless child or a demanding one.
Helpless for I've nobody to turn to.
Demanding for I always want my pride, being the cause of all this.
It's a childish fear to be afraid of my pride being hurt.
Until I've over come the latter, I'll forever be like this.
It'll be great if I were like Max...
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