Need
1. If I Could….
I knock- I don't want to startle her by just walking in like before. I called to say I was coming, but I've been known to be delayed by work for a few hours…or days. It's best to knock. She opens the door. This time, she doesn't even say "Welcome home."
Caroline hesitates when she sees me. Not much, but the hesitation is there. I'm kidding myself to say it is only because of my face, but I'll say it anyway and maybe a part of me will believe it. I want to believe it.
I need to.
My face does look a mess. Better now than after the cockpit of my Viper shattered, but, still, it's a mess. Most of the scars are small and have healed over in the past four weeks, but the larger ones along the right side of my face and left cheek and forehead are still red. The doc said when I am older the scars will simply look like wrinkles, hardly noticeable at all. He didn't look at me when he said it.
Everyone tells me I was lucky. The oxygen mask and vid goggles protected my eyes, nose, and mouth while the outer casing of my suit deflected shards from my throat and chest. Just the face torn up, that's all. I was lucky.
She asks if it hurts. I say no, not really, not anymore. And it doesn't… just sometimes, when I smile or laugh, my face will feel tight, odd. I don't have to worry about that often, though.
The boys come running when they hear me. They've grown. They always seem bigger. Zak's nearly nine, but he still wants me to pick him up so I do and swing him around the way he begged me to when he was younger, and we laugh. Lee hangs back, but, he's nearly thirteen, so that's to be expected. I can't expect him to be the little boy he once was. I ruffle his hair. Both boys grin and they look just like they do in the photo I keep by my bed.
Then they stare.
I make a joke about not needing a mask for Tricks Day parties, but it doesn't stop Zak's tears or Lee's anger. They don't understand that the good guys get hurt too. They've never seen me wounded- I stay away when that happens. I won't bring that to our home- they don't need to see it and I'm not sure how Caroline would take it. I want to shield them, to shield myself, if I'm honest, so I've always spent my recuperation time on the Galactica. It's better that way.
The boys are becoming more upset. It was a mistake to come home. I should have waited another couple of months for the cuts to heal. It is a mistake I won't make again. Caroline steps in and tells them to clean up for dinner and they go, reluctantly.
After dinner, I give the boys the presents I've brought- for each of them I have new flight jackets like Viper pilots wear, a music disc for Lee that Caroline said he wanted, a model Viper II kit for Zak. By now, the boys are ignoring my scars, for the most part. They ask about what I did during the months I was gone and I start to tell them about a skirmish we had with the Cylons but stop at the look that comes over Caroline's face. Instead, I tell them about the training I oversee, the rumors of a new Viper design, about my roommate, Saul.
I ask them about what they've been doing, then listen to the past thirteen months of my children's lives.
Thirteen months reduced to two and a half minutes.
Lee wants me to come to his championship Knockball tournament and Zak wants me to see his drawings on display at the school art show next week. I tell them I want to but can't because I'll be gone. Again.
I want to give them more time but can't. I need to, I know, but the Cylons are finally weakening and we have to stay strong and not let up or they'll return in strength. Nearly everyone, including the brass, says the Cylons are defeated, that once we clear the outpost on Vetla, we'll have won.
We are still at war, but the celebrations have already started. I don't believe it, not for a moment. We have not defeated them.
In my nightmares, the Cylons can't be killed.
Zak starts to cry and Lee protests that I haven't seen any of his games, but Caroline intervenes and sends them upstairs saying it is time to go to bed. She doesn't look at me- no secret smile, no promising glance. After turning out the lights and checking the doors, I follow them.
I take a quick shower while she oversees the boys brushing their teeth and saying prayers to the gods. She still makes them say the prayers. I say good night to the boys and close their doors. In our room, Caroline is sitting on the bed. I sit down beside her. I don't know what to say.
"It's been a long time. Longer than usual."
She nods. I put my arm around her and pull her close and Caroline sighs, her head on my chest.
"I'll try to get home sooner next time, I promise. This new assignment is closer and-"
She shakes her head. "No more promises, Bill. I'd rather not know."
I don't blame her. She needs more from me than what I give…what I can give. I wish I could give her the universe. As it is, I just try to make our part of it safe. It's all I can do. Maybe there'll be a future for us when the conflict is over. I hope so. I think if we could just have another start...
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. If I could…" I'm at a loss for words. Issuing orders in the midst of battle is easy; this is beyond me.
"I understand." She looks across the room to where my uniform hangs on the back of the door. "You'll be home when you can."
I try again. "If I could, I'd be home more. I miss you, the boys…being with you. I do love you…"
"Yes, I know." We sit, quiet. I wait. There is nothing more. She smiles sadly then kisses me. "Turn out the light, Bill."
An hour later, with her lying against me, her skin warm against mine and still flushed, I ponder whether I should ask if she still loves me. Sometimes we forget…we take it for granted that the other knows.
Perhaps she simply forgot to tell me.
The words are on my lips, but then I leave the question unasked.
I already know the answer.